by Emma Darcy
Kelly was shaking inside. 'Tell me!' she hurled after him. He couldn't withdraw now. Not having gone so far. She wouldn't let him, even though she felt dreadfully threatened by what had been left unsaid.
Justin's gaze swung back to her, and a terrible violence of feeling simmered in his eyes. His face was harsher than she had ever seen it, carved in angry bitterness.
'You shattered my life once, Kelly Hanrahan. I won't let you do it again. As much as you were unknowing and innocent then… you did it. And as much as you are unknowing and innocent now, I will not let you do it again.'
Kelly swallowed hard to fight down a wave of nausea. It couldn't be true…what he said. She wouldn't accept it. Couldn't. 'Please…explain!'
A grimness settled around his mouth. 'Sixteen years ago, you forced a choice on me that altered my existence. Why I did it I'll never know. And that's the bond we have-you and I-tied by destiny to a moment in time when I had to make a choice. And I didn't choose the woman I loved. I chose you.'
Kelly shook her head, stunned and bewildered by the hammering accusation. 'I don't understand!'
'Do you remember Noni Lloyd's accident?'
'Vaguely. Only vaguely. It was a long time afterwards before I realised she was dead. I saw her fall. And she didn't get up the way she always did. I ran to help her. There was a stranger and he…'
Her voice faltered. She looked fearfully into Justin St John's burning grey eyes.
'You were running… running on your little childish legs to help Noni,' he mocked savagely. 'The black stallion fell after it crashed into the wall. Noni was thrown and knocked unconscious. The horse had broken a leg. It was trying to struggle up. I didn't even see you until the last moment. You ran out from behind the fence-jump, not looking at the horse, crying out to Noni.'
The blood drained from Kelly's face. 'You were the man who pushed me away…' she whispered, her mind pummelled by a whole sequence of memories. The hands gripping her arms hard…being swept off her feet… falling… and the soft caress on her cheek as she cried… Grandpa picking her up, cuddling her, taking her home.
'You didn't see the danger,' Justin continued in a hard, driven voice. 'You were only a child. You would have been crushed…'
'As you picked me up, Noni's horse rolled on you,' Kelly realised with horror. 'Your hip and leg…'
'I was trying to protect Noni… until you got in the way.'
'And one of its hooves lashed out and killed her while you were pinned… rescuing me.'
'Yes,' he said, and his voice was drained of all expression as he added, 'Indirectly, you were responsible for her death.'
Kelly felt sick. Sick and faint and totally shattered by the dreadful revelation. Sheer anguish strangled any further words as the inexorable line of logic savaged her mind and heart. Justin had been unable to save Noni's life because he had chosen to save hers, crippling himself as he did so.
Too stricken to remain standing, Kelly stumbled to an armchair and dropped into it. She shook with nervous reaction as other memories cut into her consciousness.
Justin hadn't wanted to see her again after he'd realised who she was. The child…the child who had cost him too much already. That was what he had said just before she had asked him for the horses, before his vehement rejection of her riding them for show-jumping.
And she had blindly and stubbornly persisted; taking the black Hanoverian stallion that was so like the horse that had caused the tragedy. Justin had driven himself through pain in a desperate attempt to stop her, the child he had saved, who was wilfully taking the same path that had killed the woman he had loved. And lost, because of her.
All those afternoons he had watched her practising the jumps with the horses, how it must have tortured him! And today on Rasputin…the mistake in timing for the wall, and only the black stallion's great ability carrying them clear.
She lifted agonised eyes to the man who had paid so dearly for the choice he had made. 'I'm sorry, Justin. I never realised. You should have told me before. I won't jump again. Not when you've been so hurt by it.' He exploded out of the haunted thrall that was woven around his face, twisting with violent rejection at her offer, his eyes stabbing her with furious frustration. 'You think that's what I want? Why I tell you this?' Kelly flinched at the lash of his words. He turned away with a gesture of contempt, hurling more words at her with passionate intensity. 'You're free, Kelly. Free of me. You don't owe me anything. Your life is your own to lead. To risk. To do as you please. As is your right.'
'No!' Kelly pushed herself to her feet and caught his arm to make him stand and face her. 'I want you, Justin. More than anything else I want you. Even that afternoon when we first met, I felt it. You felt it too.' Conflicting emotions warred across his face. The grey eyes were shifting seas of terrible turbulence. His hand lifted and curled around her chin, clutching hard. 'Kelly, don't tempt me,' he commanded grimly. 'It's too easy for me to take what you offer. Believe me, we'd both pay far too much for it in the end.'
'You want me,' she argued, fighting for the future they could have together. 'You wanted me to marry you this afternoon,' she reminded him in desperate entreaty.
'I was mad to propose it,' he said vehemently. 'That first day…when I realised who you were… that you were the child I saved… I was drawn to you. There was an affinity. A sense of reparation being made for what had happened before. A woman to share my bed… give me the children I didn't have.' His mouth twisted with self-contempt. 'What a mockery of love! You saved me much embarrassment by refusing my proposal point-blank this afternoon. I don't want to go into it any further, Kelly. It's finished. I no longer care for you.'
'I don't believe that. You do care about me,' she said with passionate conviction. 'Why else would you have come to watch me ride? Why else give me everything I want? You indulge me all the time.'
He shook his head, his eyes bleak and tired now. 'It's all mixed up with the past. Let go, Kelly. Cut free. Be happy in your own way. On your own.'
'And what if my happiness lies with you, Justin?'
Something flickered in his eyes- hope?… desire?-but he ruthlessly closed it off. He forced a smile of dry irony. 'A passing fancy. You'll get over it. The young always do.'
'I'm the same age now as you were when you lost Noni. Look how long it's taken you to find someone else whom you want.'
'Enough!' he snapped at her, his control visibly slipping. 'Go home! Be grateful you've made a lucky escape.'
He wheeled away from her and strode towards the music-room.
'You're running away again!' Kelly threw after him, too pumped up to accept defeat.
He paused and sliced her a venomous look. 'Anyone who doesn't run from disaster is a fool! I won't take any more from you, Kelly Hanrahan. You've given me enough grief to last me a lifetime. Go and jump your horses. Kill yourself. Do whatever you like. I don't care. I won't care!'
He slammed the door behind him as he stalked out of the room.
But he did care. Kelly was in no doubt about that. And the freedom he flung at her was a false thing. She would never be free of him. Nor he of her.
Kelly shook herself out of any acceptance of his rejection and ran after him. She couldn't let him go. Not when he needed her so badly.
He wasn't in the music-room. But Kelly knew this house like the back of her hand. And she belonged here. This house, this place, Justin… they all needed her. She was certain of it.
She swept on through the banquet-room, past the office, and turned into the corridor which serviced the guest wing. He was there… almost at the door of the room where she had given him physiotherapy that first day.
'Justin…'
He turned a ravaged face as she flew towards him. 'No!' he cried, anguished by her persistence. He caught her and almost threw her against the wall, pinning her there away from him. 'Why must you torture me? Haven't I said it all?'
Tears welled up in Kelly's eyes, filling them with luminous appeal. 'I love you. I love you, Justin.'
&nb
sp; He bent his head, shaking it as if trying to shake himself free of the burden those powerful words inflicted on him. 'Kelly…' Her name was an agonised rasp.
'Please…' she begged, too distraught to find any more words.
He dragged his head up, his face working with uncontrollable emotion. His eyes burned with the torment of hell. With a rapid violence of movement, he scooped her away from the wall, crushing her against him with one arm as he opened the bedroom door with the other. He whirled her inside, shut the door, and leaned back against it, breathing hard.
'This is madness!' he groaned.
'No,' Kelly breathed, careless of the consequences, knowing only that she had to take the crest of his temptation and ride it through all his defences to the heart of the man. She reached up ant wound her arms around his neck. 'It's what you want… what I want,' she whispered.
'It's wrong…it's wrong. I've got to let you go…' The words panted from him in sharp bursts, but his hands were running over the curves of her hips, her waist, up to the underswell of her breasts ant back again in a restless yearning to touch an‹ possess.
Kelly kissed the frantic pulse at the base of his throat.
An inarticulate cry burst from his lips. His hands clawed through her hair, pulled her head back, and he gave in, his mouth taking hers with a feverish passion that could no longer be denied.
And with the exultation of this triumph Kelly responded with a wild fervour, wanting Justin to forget everything but her and here and now. She wanted to wipe out the memory of Noni, the pain of the past, the differences between them. She wanted this to be the best, the most satisfying, most fulfilling experience in Justin's life…her life…their life together.
She kissed him with all the hunger of her mind and heart and soul, and Justin was irrevocably lost in his need for her, drawn beyond all vestige of control to taste all she offered, to savour it, plunder it, take, know, feel, immerse himself in the wonder of her.
So many times when Kelly had given him physiotherapy, she had wanted to touch him, not in the limited way she had, but to run her hands over the fine muscular tone of his body with sensual pleasure, to explore the firm texture of his flesh, to feel its warmth, its power, its raw masculinity.
She wouldn't let him stop her now. Wouldn't let him stop anything. She slid her hand down to pluck open the buttons of his shirt, felt his chest heave under her touch, thrilled to the rise of his excitement.
He tore his mouth from hers, pulled off his shirt, then slowly, gently peeled her camisole top upwards, his hands capturing her breasts, cupping their tender fullness, softly fondling for several breathtaking moments before he finished removing the flimsy garment.
He pulled her back against him, cried something unintelligible at the first brush of her flesh against his, then crushed her to him in a fierce embrace, showering hot kisses across her hair, rubbing his cheek over their path.
Kelly raked her fingers down his back, tasted the warm skin of his shoulder, rubbed her breasts sensuously against his chest, gloried in their semi- nakedness… man and woman.
Justin lifted her off her feet, carried her to the bed, dragged away her slacks and briefs, tossed her sandals aside. He looked down at her, touched her, his hand quivering across her flesh in hungry desire before he snatched it away to remove the rest of his clothes.
He came to her with all the tense urgency of his need, yet delayed the moment of ultimate intimacy, plunging both of them into a wild exploration of sensation, the heightening of every sensitivity of skin against skin, texture, taste, touch, smell, sliding from one exquisite pleasure into another until stimulation and response peaked at the screaming demand for the total merging of one with the other.
Kelly's whole body convulsed in spasms of melting ecstasy as Justin finally pushed inside her. In that moment she wondered why it was always referred to as a man's act of possession. She knew she possessed him. He was hers. And every full, warm thrust of him was a glorious confirmation that he belonged with her, in her, and the union, could never be sundered now.
She felt the jerking spill of his climax, hugged him tightly as the last tension eased away, and held him inside her, melting around him, bonding forever.
He brushed his lips over the soft, ecstatic curve of hers. Their breaths mingled. Their mouths mingled. A sealing of utter oneness… peace… contentment… fulfilment of every promise there ever was in the mating of a man and a woman.
It was complete. They would always be together from this time onwards.
CHAPTER TWELVE
It began as a small wisp of uncertainty, the nagging knowledge that something had been forgotten. Kelly lay in Justin's arms, reluctant to admit anything that might intrude on their wonderful intimacy.
All the barriers Justin had tried to erect between them had disintegrated in the heat of their passion for each other. He seemed to delight in holding her close to him, caressing her softly with his fingertips. It gave her the feeling that she was infinitely precious to him, a possession he would cherish forever. As she would cherish him.
She basked in that thought for many long, satisfying moments. The memory of what had initially prompted her visit to Marian Park filtered into her consciousness. It jolted Kelly out of her delicious languor.
Octavian Augustus the Fourth! That had been the real reason for her coming to Justin. Kelly was swamped by a terrible wave of confusion.
'When do you want to be married?'
Justin's voice was a murmur of deep satisfaction, thrilling Kelly on one level, but raising panic on another. She had to tell him about the ram, but if he misunderstood…
Her arms convulsively tightened around him. Her mind darted in all directions, driven by the need to hold Justin's confidence in her love. She had fought so hard. He had surrendered. Nothing must shake their understanding now.
'Justin…' Her mouth had gone so dry, she had to work some moisture into it. 'I want…I want you to come down and meet Grandpa,' she said, frantically postponing the moment of truth.
He kissed her hair. 'Is it so necessary to tell him straight away that we're getting married?' he murmured, no more inclined to interrupt the magic of their togetherness than she was.
Kelly's brain skimmed over the responses. She could say that they had found Octavian Augustus the Fourth wandering around Grandpa's property, that they had picked him up and were keeping him safe in the kitchen. That…
But she couldn't and wouldn't start her marriage to Justin by telling a lie! That was no foundation for trust and understanding.
Kelly braced herself with all the courage she could muster. 'Grandpa… Judge Moffat… they have a confession they want to make to you,' she said, desperately trying to slide into the sensitive subject as tactfully as possible.
It was not only her and Justin's relationship at stake, but also the future relationship between him and Grandpa and the judge and probably the whole community of Crooked Creek.
Justin lifted his head to look into her eyes with a softly quizzical expression. 'A confession? I don't understand. Does it have something to do with us?'
The hands running over her hips ceased their movement as he waited for her answer. Kelly's heart seemed to thump right up to her mouth. She held him a bit tighter.
'Justin, you're not going to believe this…' There was no good way of putting it. 'I think they will have to tell you themselves,' she said weakly.
His eyes sharpened with a flash of enlightenment. 'They wouldn't have--' The incredulous words clipped off with a dark frown. His chest heaved and fell. 'No! They couldn't! Kelly…' It was clear that he had leapt to the truth and didn't like the taste of it one bit.
'They didn't really steal him,' she rushed out. 'You mustn't think that, Justin.'
'But they've got him. Octavian Augustus the Fourth!' he stated grimly. 'Why?'
'It wasn't really stealing,' Kelly pleaded. 'Grandpa and Judge Moffat took him because of your deal with the Russians. They were going to ransom him back to you…well,
not exactly ransom him… but kind of like Rasputin. Make you see reason…'
Justin's mouth thinned and Kelly plunged further into explanation, frantic to appease his wrath. 'Grandpa and the judge have been in the sheep business all their lives. They thought you were being very unpatriotic to sell our best bloodline to the Russians through the ewes. They're old men, Justin. They didn't think straight. And when all the fuss started, they didn't know what to do. Their pride wouldn't let them back down. And they couldn't get Octavian Augustus away with the search going on…'
'So they sent you up here.'
The words were a stinging indictment and a murderous rage suffused his face. He wrenched himself away from her and was off the bed before Kelly could utter a protest. He towered over her, emanating all the ruthless power that Kelly had sensed in him on their first meeting. And it paralysed her, strangling any word she might have said, thwarting any move she might have made.
'Get your clothes on, Kelly,' he commanded with icy, blistering authority.
'No,' she croaked, driven out of her shock by the dire necessity to fight his judgement. 'You don't understand…'
He dragged her out of his bed and set her on her feet. 'I was right when I said I was a fool this afternoon,' he grated, his eyes mincing her into contemptible little pieces. 'Let's not labour the point.'
'But that's not how it is!' Kelly cried in desperate denial.
His face tightened against any plea. 'Don't waste your breath. Or any more time. Get dressed.'
He turned away from her, snatched up the telephone, and punched out some buttons. His curt order for his car to be brought up to the house forced Kelly into action. She gathered up her clothes and took them into the bathroom, momentarily defeated by his pointed admonition not to waste any more time.
Guilt weighed heavily upon her. She should have told him about Octavian Augustus the Fourth sooner… had the search called off…disposed of the problem that was costing so much time and effort and anxiety. It had been crowded out of her mind by other more urgent, more important matters. She had to make Justin understand that. But it was painfully obvious that he was not prepared to listen.