by Lesley Jones
My first thoughts are jealous ones, Nina got to spend all night with Gabe, then I hate myself, they are at the bedside of their sick child and here’s me feeling sorry for myself. Nice Lauren, nice.
“Right we’re just pulling into the hospital car park now, we will call as soon as we have news.”
We make our way up to the ICU where Ava is being cared for, I feel weak, dizzy and nauseous, my legs feel like lead as I focus on moving one in front of the other, I will crawl if I have to, I just need to get there, to see her, to see them both.
We are buzzed onto the ward and I follow Sam; Ava’s bed is closest to the nurses’ station, which I know isn’t good; Gabe is sitting in a chair next to her bed, holding her hand.
“You go, there’s only two to a bed allowed” Sam whispers to me.
My heart is pounding in my ears and I stop for a split second as I think I might pass out, I have this strange pins and needles sensation pass through my body and I feel myself sway. Deep breaths Lauren, he needs you, you can do this. I reach his side and put one hand on his shoulder, the other over his and his little girls and squeeze them both, his eyes fly up to mine, he looks, broken and my legs give way.
Gabe catches me under my arms and pulls me to him on the chair, I don’t feel faint, I just can’t get my legs to hold me up and I can feel him shake as he cries into my neck and all I can say is, “I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry, I should have been here, I wanted to be here. I wanted to come today and be here for you and be brave and tell you it’s all going to be okay and I am so fucking useless.”
“Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.” He repeats over and over as he strokes my hair.
I wrap my arms around his neck and look up at him, his eyes are still on his daughter, I kiss his face, his eyes, his tears and it calms me, calms me enough to be able to stand, I go over to Ava and give her a kiss on her forehead and hold her hand and stroke her hair.
“Belated happy birthday darling, I’m so sorry I missed it; did Daddy give you your present? I hope you liked it, sorry we lied, we just wanted it to be a surprise, I bet you knew we were lying really didn’t you? Your Dad would have done anything to get you those tickets, anything.”
I swallow back a sob, “You are going to have the best night, we will stay in the city and you and your mates can have a room to yourselves and have room service and order what you like, anything, just get better for us Ava, please just get better.”
I can’t talk anymore without crying, so I shut up and look back to Gabe, he’s looking at me, “Are you okay? Shouldn’t you be at home resting?”
I walk back around the bed to where he’s sitting in the chair looking up at me; I brush the hair back off his face, “I don’t want to go home, I don’t want to sit in an empty house and not know what’s going on, I want to be here with you and Ava, I’ve hated being in that hospital on my own, I just wanted to be here, with my family.”
He looks at me blankly, I’m not sure he’s listened to or taken in anything I have just said, “You need to eat and you need to sleep, then you need to shower and change your clothes, Sam will take you to the hotel and I will stay with Ava, or if you want, Sam will stay with Ava and I will come back to the hotel with you.”
He’s shaking his head before I have even finished speaking, “I’m not leaving her.”
“Gabe, please, you are going to make yourself sick, and then who will look after Ava once she’s awake?”
He shakes his head the whole time I’m talking…
“I will look after her when she wakes up, me, because she’s my daughter, I’m her Dad, it’s my job to look after her”
“Okay, well just go and have a shower and change your clothes, you’ll be back within the hour, I will call you if there’s any change, or what if.”
“Why are you even here?”
“What?”
“Why are you even here? She’s my daughter Lauren, not yours, mine, we don’t need you so just fuck off back to your ex, the one you like to kiss, fuck off and leave us alone.”
I’m stunned into silence; I don’t have any idea what to say to that. I can only put his words down to shock, grief and a lack of sleep. There are a million and one different things I think I should say but I am standing at the bedside of a very sick little girl, his little girl, not mine and I really don’t want to cause a scene. My heart hurts, I love him so much and just want to be there for him and he’s just rejected me, excluded me, like Ava means nothing, is nothing to me and it hurts, it fucking hurts. I swallow back my tears and keep my eyes closed for a few seconds while I try to regain my composure.
“I suppose I deserve that, the comment about Jay I mean, but don’t, do not ever question my feelings for your daughter, I love her like she’s my own and you fucking know that.”
He totally ignores me and just looks at Ava and goes back to holding her hand. I kiss both of them and say, “I will go and get you some clothes and toiletries, I’m sure there’s somewhere here for parents to take a shower, I will bring you something back to eat as well, I won’t be long.”
Once again he blanks me and I fight back the tears. All the way to the hotel and back I tell myself that he’s not himself, he doesn’t mean what he’s saying, this isn’t about me, I need to stop with the pity party and just be there for him, I need to step up, take the shit that he is going to throw at me and be the person he deserves, he’s just lost his Dad, he thought he was going to lose me and his daughter is in a fight for her life right now.
“Lauren?”
“Sorry, what?”
“I won’t come back up, I have to get the kids from school, Stella will be there later, go to the pizza shop around the corner, he likes the Spicy Mexicana from there and just take what he says with a pinch of salt, he loves you, that’s why he’s lashing out at you.”
I smile and nod and grab the holdall with Gabe’s clean clothes in and go and buy him a pizza before making my way back to the hospital. My heart quite literally stops when I walk onto the ward and it’s not Ava in the bed next to the nurses’ station, luckily one of the nurses sees my face and tells me she has been moved into a side room. I don’t think I can take much more, my heart, my head, I just can’t take any more. She shows me to the room and it’s much better than being out on the ward. Gabe is as he was and still holding Ava’s hand, I watch from the doorway for a few seconds and then breeze in, my fake smile plastered to my face.
I put down the bag and slide the pizza box on the tray table; I walk over and give Ava a kiss and then around to Gabe and give him a kiss on the top of his head, “I’ve got clean clothes, toiletries and a Spicy Mexicana pizza, what would you like first?”
“You came back?”
“It would appear so, why wouldn’t I have, like I told you earlier, this is where I want to be, with my family.”
He stands from the chair and pulls me to him, pressing his lips into my hair; I know he’s sorry, I know he didn’t mean any of it and I actually don’t want him feeling bad for it, he’s hurting, I want to be the one he lashes out at, I want and need to be the one, if the roles were reversed, I can only imagine what he would do for me, what sort of shit he would take from me, he’s already proved that on more than one occasion, now it’s my turn, it’s what couples do, they are there for each other and I am suddenly overwhelmed by the fact that, I really do want to be his wife, I want him in every way and for him to be mine in every way and I trust him implicitly to never break whatever vows we choose to make to each other. I actually feel a sense of calm and peace wash over me as I come to this conclusion, this decision; I just hope he still bloody wants me now.
Gabe eats his pizza, I wave it under Ava’s nose, asking her to guess what it is, he doesn’t laugh, he barely smiles, he doesn’t make any kind of conversation with me but as long as he knows I’m there for him, with him, that’s all that matters. I finally convince him to go and take a shower, promising to fetch him if there is any change; while he’s in the bathroom I sit and chat to Ava as if she wer
e laying on our bed at home, waiting for me to get ready, something she likes to do, she usually tells me about her week and she gives me her opinion on whatever outfit I pull out of my wardrobe. So today, I tell her about the Palmers house and the colour scheme and I make fun of Karen Palmers terrible taste, I am in the middle of telling her about my first run in with Dave the Site Manager, when somebody says behind me, “Who the fuck are you?”
I turn to see a woman of around forty standing just inside the door; she’s tall, slim and she has long straight brown hair and a pretty face, she reminds me a little bit of Calista Flockhart or is it Ally McBeal, I’m never sure? She has a large bag with her and I can only assume this is Nina, Ava looks nothing like her and for some reason my inner bitch is glad of that fact.
I stand from my chair. “I’m Lauren, Lauren Day, I’m Gabe’s partner.”
I hate that word ‘partner’ but I don’t know what else to call myself, I’m far too old to be any one’s girlfriend, I don’t offer my hand and she doesn’t offer her name, instead she looks me up and down and then gives a little snorty kind of laugh. Friend or enemy darling? Your call, I’m still undecided.
“So you’re the famous Lauren and you’re no longer Gabe’s girlfriend but his partner now, partner in what may I ask?”
Enemy it is then – bring it on biatch.
“Oh you know this and that, life, love, the odd crime and lots and lots of hot kinky sex.”
I smile at her sweetly. Why? Why did I say that?
“And where is the man who can’t keep it in his pants? Fucking one of the nurses in a store room most likely.”
“Actually, he’s in the shower and I think that sex is the furthest thing from his mind right now, all things considered.”
That wipes the smile off her face, cheeky bitch, although give her her due, she won that round. Gabe emerges from the bathroom right on cue; his hair is wet and combed back off his face, he’s wearing a grey hoodie and jeans, with just thongs on his feet, he looks so much better than he did just half an hour ago and he must feel better too because he gives me just a little smile as his eyes meet mine.
“So here’s the man of the moment, why did you leave my daughter with the woman that helped put her in a coma?”
What. The. Fuck? I open my mouth to defend myself but nothing comes out. I know that my mouth is hanging open but I can’t close it, did she really just say that? I look across to Gabe, he looks down at the floor. The ground, the earth, the world begins to fall away from underneath me; I feel myself sway, I want to cry, I want to be sick, I want Gabe to defend me but he just keeps staring down at the floor.
SHE, She, makes that snorty laugh sound again; she has a smile on her nasty thin lips as she shakes her head at me, like I’m shit on her shoe. I fight so hard not to cry, I don’t dare speak because I know the tears will come, my bottom lip is trembling and he still just stands there, not defending me, not looking at me, not saying anything. Does he think that too, do they all think I am to blame for Ava being here? I have this horrible, overwhelming sense of injustice, the feeling takes me back to being a small child, when you’re blamed for something you didn’t do, but nobody wants to listen to you, everybody thinks you’re guilty. I need to go, I need to get out of here, away from them, away from all of this. I go over to Ava and kiss her cheek and whisper
“I love you baby girl, I would never, ever do anything to hurt you, please get well and come back to us.”
I turn and walk towards the door.
“Lauren, wait, she didn’t mean…”
I keep walking; I’ve never felt so alone in all my life.
CHAPTER 16
I make my way out to the lifts. I’m going to have to go back to the hotel room and calm myself down, and then I will have a ring around and see if someone can come and pick me up and take me home, home? Do I still have a home, does he still want me? Does he blame me? The doors to the lift open and I wait for the people to get out before I step in, the doors close and I’m on my own and for three floors I fight with everything I have not to cry. I manage to make it all the way back to the hotel without shedding a single tear, how I hold down the overwhelming sense of panic I’m feeling though, I will never know!
I spend the next two days in a state of total devastation, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I call Gabe but he doesn’t answer, I text instead, asking how Ava is, he doesn’t reply. I just don’t know what to do for the best; I don’t want to go back to the hospital in case Nina is there, but I want to be with Gabe. I have no idea if he wants me there, if he wants me anywhere, that’s why I haven’t been back home, I don’t know if it is my home anymore, I don’t know anything, except that I am hurt, angry, humiliated and so, so lonely. My friends and family have called and I have told them that I am fine and staying up in the city to be with Gabe and to visit Ava. Added to all of this, I have had the most excruciating stomach cramps and I am spotting again and in all honesty, that is now actually starting to worry me, these past couple of months I have been putting the pain and blood down to too much sex, but I haven’t had sex since last Saturday and today is Thursday. My head and my heart feel heavy as I climb into the shower, at least this morning I have pulled myself together enough to get out of bed, I have had the Do Not Disturb sign on the door since I got here and have not left the bed, all I have done is cry but after two days of tears and not feeling any better and getting no interaction from Gabe, I need to decide what I am actually going to do.
I turn Adele up as loud as my phone will play, I turn the water to slightly hotter than I can actually bear and stand in the shower letting it sting my skin as I cry some more. I’m choking on the words of ‘make you feel my love’ as I stand with my head leaning against my arms on the back wall of the shower, trying to keep my cast out of the water, when I just sense him there; I keep my eyes closed and try to catch my breath when I feel his arms slide around me and his bare chest press against my back, I tilt my head to the side as I feel his whiskers scratch against my shoulder and the side of my neck. I feel dizzy for a few seconds, I think it’s the sudden rush of adrenalin caused by his presence, his touch, him. He kisses my ear and I let out a sound that’s somewhere between a moan and a sob. He bites my left shoulder and drags his teeth across the back of my neck to my right, he brushes his fingertips lightly up and down my arms and despite the scalding water I shudder; he plants feather light kisses all the way down my spine and then on each of my bum cheeks as his fingers tips stroke up and down the outside of my legs. He turns me around to face him as he remains on his knees; he kisses down the middle of my belly and across to each of my hips, then down to between my legs as he brings his hand up and strokes me; he nudges my legs apart with his shoulder and I willingly oblige as he pushes his fingers inside me and flicks his tongue over my clit.
My heart and my head pound as I grab his hair, I want him to fuck me harder than I’ve ever been fucked before but I also want to rip handfuls of his hair out of his head, claw lumps of skin from his face and spit and stamp on him as he lays on the floor and bleeds for the way he has left me feeling these past few days; I pull his head back so he has to look up at me and I let out a heaving sob as his eyes meet mine, “You left me.”
He slides up my body and slams his mouth on mine, both his hands holding my face so I can’t move my face.
“Never, I would not, I will never leave you” he sobs into my mouth.
He lifts me up as I wrap my legs around him and slides into me as I am pressed into the corner of the shower but it’s not enough, I want him harder, faster, I want it to hurt so that I know for sure that he is really here. Gabe slides to the floor and sits back on his knees as he fills me completely; I keep my legs wrapped around him but my feet on the floor as he holds onto my hips, helping me move up and down; I dig my nails into his shoulders as I lean away from him and look right into tired, bloodshot, beautiful, blue eyes.
“You left me,” I sob again.
“I love you, I will never leave you, never
, do you hear me, I fucking love you Lauren, always, forever and always.”
He’s crying as hard as I am, I take his face in my hands and he does the same to me and without breaking eye contact and without barely moving, we come, together, he almost kisses me to death, my mouth, my cheeks, my eyes, nose, I can hardly get a breath in as his mouth smothers me again. He puts one hand on the wall for balance and carries me out of the shower and the bathroom, into the bedroom and lays me on the bed. He’s grabbed two towels on the way and wraps one around his hips as he stands and one around me as he pulls me into his lap and begins to dry me. I look up into his handsome face and run my hand over his jaw, enjoying the feel of his whiskers; I push my thumb into the dimple of his chin and up to brush over his bottom lip, he drags his teeth over it and flicks his tongue over the pad and I let out a slight moan at his actions and within a split second I am on my back and he is in me…
An hour later, I am on top of him, straddling his hips, his finally softening cock still inside me; my knees are bent up either side of him, my head resting on his chest, both his arms are around me as he strokes over my back and my arse cheeks, he kisses my head and my hair continuously. “She said it was my fault, she said I helped put her there.”
He goes completely still, then pulls me so tightly to him I can hardly breathe, I struggle till I free myself from his grip and sit up, I need to see his face; he sits up with me so we are face to face.
“You said nothing, she, she said that it was my fault and you said nothing, I called you, I called and I text and nothing, you just left me.” I manage not to cry, he grips the back of my hair and pulls me to him and kisses my forehead.
“We have done nothing but argue, nonstop, she has threatened all sorts, she said that she would stop Ava coming to stay with us, she…she’s jealous of you Lauren, even before the accident, she hates how well you and Ava get along and she’s made a few snide comments these last few months and then a couple of weeks ago, just after she had the new baby, her and Ava blued and Ava told her she wanted to come and live with us, she called me at work and said that we were brainwashing her daughter, trying to turn her against her and saying that she would go to court and stop me seeing her, I spoke to Dean, her husband, he said he thinks she’s suffering from post natal depression and she’s been behaving erratically for a while, he said he would talk to her. Then this all happened and she just hasn’t let up. If I had said anything, if I had defended you in front of her, I don’t know how it might have ended up.”