by Doe, Anna B.
Although I try hard not to let it, her words make me hopeful. Maybe, just maybe…
I wanted her for so long, I’m not even sure what I’d actually do if Marissa did start to see me. For years, I’ve imagined being the center of her attention. Having those ocean-like eyes meet mine across the room. Having her sweet smile turned my way. Having her in my arms…
My heart starts beating faster.
I want it.
I want it so badly.
“Yeah, maybe…” I whisper, but it’s hard to keep doubt out of my voice.
I want to believe her, but I can’t let myself believe in fantasy. There’s too much at stake now. Including my own damn heart.
Marissa
“Where did all these people come from?” I look around in awe. I don’t even get to do a full circle because there are people everywhere.
Does our town really have this many kids, or maybe it just seems like it because the house isn’t that big?
Caleb chuckles. I can feel his chest shake behind me, pressed against my back.
Somebody walks past us, shouldering against Caleb and making us both stumble forward. Caleb’s grip tightens around me, pulling me closer.
“What a douche,” Caleb mutters angrily. His eyes throw daggers at the retreating back of said douche.
“Just ignore him. It’s not a big deal.”
“You could have fallen and broken something.”
I elbow him in the gut. “Thanks for the vote of confidence!”
Caleb growls loudly as I try to get out of his arms, only he doesn’t let me go.
The thing about Caleb is, he’s a thoughtful person. You’d never think so just by looking at him. He looks like a perfect bad boy, but once you actually spend time with him, you realize there is much more hiding beneath the surface. Yes, he is a bad boy. All those mischievous smiles, wicked grins, the pierced lip and hot body. But he’s also protective, caring and generally nice. If he wants to be, that is.
“Don’t get all fussy now. I’m just saying that the guy could have hurt you.”
Since the moment he picked me up from my house, he took my hand in his and only let go if it was truly necessary. And once we got to the party, he pulled me close to his side, his hand curling around me, pulling me to his warm chest.
I should have probably resisted more, but how can I resist logic? I couldn’t just suddenly, out of nowhere, grab his hand once Ty appeared. That would be too weird and a plain-as-day giveaway that something’s not right. So I let Caleb do his thing.
“Because you think I’m a klutz.”
“You’re no such thing.” His hand cups my cheek. “But even if you were a klutz, which you aren’t, I’d be there to catch you from falling.”
The way his eyes look at me. The way he says those words…
I’d be there to catch you from falling.
I want to believe him.
He makes me believe him.
Makes me want it.
For so long, I wanted Taylor to look at me. To see me, but he never did. The way Caleb looks at me makes me believe what he said not so long ago is true.
I can see you.
Is it wrong for me to want it? To want somebody to look at me and actually see me? To have somebody to laugh at my jokes and tease me? Somebody who’ll find me pretty and want to spend time with me?
And even though the way Caleb looks at me makes me believe it’s all true, I can’t let my guard down. I can’t believe him, because what we have is just a pretense.
Just a lie.
He’s doing this to help me make Taylor jealous. I’m still not one hundred percent sure what he gets out of it; he and Ty are friends, after all. But the bottom line is, Caleb doesn’t want me. He only pretends he does.
I can’t let myself forget that.
I can’t let myself forget my goal. And that is to make Ty fall in love with me. Confess his love for me so I can get rid of this curse and get my life back. Only improved, since Taylor will be in it.
“Dance with me?” His voice is low, husky, and if I didn’t know better, I’d say, almost vulnerable.
I stop in my tracks, and he uses that moment to spin me around and back into his arms.
“What?” I look at his face, searching for… something.
“Dance with me, Marissa.”
His fingers brush against my cheek. I barely nod my head, and he’s walking backward, pulling me into the crowd.
My throat is suddenly dry. I swallow the lump, and wet my lips.
Once he’s happy where we are, Caleb’s hands slide up my arms and down my back, settling on my hips.
I take a step forward, my hands curling around his neck just as light pressure at my lower back makes me stumble into his chest.
When we stand so close it’s not hard to see the differences between us. He’s so big and muscular. The top of my head barely reaches the middle of his chest. It would be awkward if his pecks weren’t the perfect pillow to lay my head on.
As he starts moving us in time with the music I try to resist it. I really do. But the pull is too strong to resist, so I give in. My cheek presses against the soft cotton of his dark shirt. I inhale deeply, enjoying his clean scent.
Just Caleb and the ocean.
His hand starts rubbing my back softly, and I hum in content. His fingers get lost in my loose curls, and I lose the frame of time and space.
The music and the murmur around us are just background noise. Nothing and nobody else exists in this moment.
Just Caleb and me.
Just us.
For a minute.
Just for a minute, I close my eyes and let myself fully enjoy this moment. The way our bodies press together, swaying slowly to the music. The way his scent and body heat surround me. The way my head fits almost too perfectly on his chest. Like it was made only for me.
Caleb’s fingers spread at the nape of my neck, digging into the soft strands of my hair. I open my eyes and tilt my head backward so I can look at his face.
His pupils are dilated, eyes hooded. Those full lips of his are parted just slightly. Enough for his tongue to dart out and wet his lower lip.
I can feel the need rise. The heat between us is so strong it’s almost unbearable.
Slowly, his head starts to lower.
He’ll kiss me. I can see it in his eyes.
Green the color of the darkest forest, with brown dots playing on his irises. So dark. Filled with passion and need.
My heart starts beating faster.
Fear?
No, it’s something else.
Anticipation.
I want him to kiss me.
The realization hits me hard in the chest, but I don’t resist it. My lips part on their own, and I can feel my tongue dart out to wet my lips, too.
His eyes stare into mine as his head comes closer and closer.
I can feel his hot breath touch my mouth.
So close I can feel it.
A shiver runs through my body.
Excitement.
Like a little bolt of electricity spreading through my body, making me feel alive.
Alive and irritated.
I want to scream in frustration. Beg Caleb to kiss me already and be done with it, but no words come out.
His lips brush mine.
Just a second more…
Just a tad closer…
“You guys are here!”
The voice breaks the bubble around us. Our noses bump together in surprise, and I can feel the pain spread over my face. I take a step back, rubbing my nose in distress. “Ouch.”
“What the…”
We both turn to the newcomer. Narrowed blue eyes, suspicious and stubborn, meet mine.
I feel my cheeks heat in the embarrassment of being caught almost kissing Caleb.
What is wrong with me?
“Taylor.” I breathe nervously, feeling guilty.
“Risa, I didn’t know you were coming to the party.” His eyes move behind
me. I can feel Caleb move closer. His fingers intertwine with mine, and his chin rests on top of my head.
Yes, I’m that small he can do it.
“Caleb invited me.”
Ty nods his head, his eyes still wandering between the two of us.
“You two are really together now?”
His question leaves me with my mouth hanging open. Did he finally start paying attention? Is our plan working?
“Yup,” Caleb says cheerily. “We’re together.”
His grip on my hand tightens. From the rigid stance of his body behind me, I know he’s not nearly as chipper as he appears to be.
Once again, Ty nods his head. “I’m happy for you.”
What’s with that? Did I enter some parallel universe or something?
“Hey, did you invite her to our practice tomorrow?” Ty turns his attention solely on me. “Next week is the competition, so we’re trying to catch as many waves as possible before.”
I turn around and give Caleb one hard stare. “No, he didn’t invite me.”
Caleb opens his mouth to say something, but Ty is faster. “You should come and join us. Maybe even catch some waves?”
The look he gives me is so hopeful and sweet that I hate to disappoint him. “I’ll try to stop by, but since you all are practicing for the competition, I think it’s better for me to stay away from the ocean.”
“Oh, come on, Risa!”
“I’m rusty…”
“You’re no such thing.”
“Taylor, I haven’t surfed in so long, I probably wouldn’t be able to stand on the board without falling on my butt.”
Ty shakes his head. “You’re such a party pooper, Risa.”
“At least I’m a party pooper in one piece!”
We both laugh, but when I look over my shoulder, I find a completely still and serious Caleb. He’s looking at us with narrowed eyes, a dark shadow looming over him.
My heart squeezes painfully in my chest, but I try to cover it up with a smile.
Only, this time, Caleb doesn’t return it.
Marissa
A soft breeze is playing with my hair as I sit on the beach watching Ty and Caleb surf. Some people are around, but nobody I know, so I enjoy the solitude while it lasts.
The sand underneath my toes.
The warm sun touching my skin.
I can see some of their friends with them, but I’m only here for Ty and Caleb.
They look so good out there. Both of them. You can see how talented they are. Riding the waves, they look perfect, beautiful and composed.
Caleb didn’t seem too happy when Ty invited me, but he didn’t say not to come. Even if he had, I couldn’t let myself lose this opportunity.
I still couldn’t believe our plan was working. Ty stopped me from kissing Caleb last night. Maybe it was a coincidence and I’m giving it too much thought, but maybe I’m right and he really is noticing me and Caleb. And, hopefully, he doesn’t like what he sees. Either way, it got me here.
I’ve been watching them for the last half an hour, with sunglasses on my nose (I finally went to get a new pair, thank you, Jesus) and headphones in my ears. I even decided to risk it and wear a bikini underneath my clothes. My shirt is currently laying on the towel next to me, but I’m still wearing my shorts. It’s not really a protective barrier, but it’s something.
“Risa!”
My eyes find the blond boy slowly returning to the beach, waving at me. I turn off the music, pulling out the headphones and leaving them on the towel.
With one hand, I shield my eyes, because although I’m wearing sunglasses the sun is so strong I can hardly see, and wave back at him.
His hair is wet and sticking up in different directions since he ran his fingers through it. Today he’s not wearing a wetsuit, just dark blue swimming trunks that are hanging low on his hips. His tanned chest is covered in droplets of water.
He looks adorable, all messy like that.
“No board again?” he asks as he nears.
I pull my legs closer to my chest to avoid drops of water from falling on me.
“I told you, I’m so out of shape. It would be embarrassing.”
“Oh, come on.” Ty rolls his baby blues at me, the silliness of the action making me smile. “You can’t be that bad. And even if you were, I could show you the ropes. Get you back on the board.”
I could totally see him helping me, his hands running over my bikini-covered body as he showed me the basics of surfing.
Butterflies start jumping in my stomach excitedly, but then, in my mind, I see the face of my pretend guy.
Messy dark hair. The frown between his brows. Tight set of his jaw. His sexy smirk and a flash of a piercing under the sun.
Caleb’s face.
I swallow the lump in my throat.
Ty.
Ty’s hands on my body. Not Caleb’s.
“I’m not sure that’s the best idea.”
“Why?” Ty frowns slightly, his smile falling.
“Caleb…”
I watch Ty carefully, waiting to see his reaction.
The frown deepens, his smile nowhere to be found, and I can see his hand clenching by his side. His face is dark and something flashes in his blue eyes. It’s short, but I see it. I know I do.
Ty… he’s jealous.
He really is jealous.
“Forget I said…”
“Ty…”
My fingers extend forward. I want to cup his cheek. Reassure him everything will be alright, but will it really?
I stop myself in time, because he’s still wet and I can’t have even a drop of ocean water on me.
“No.” He stops me, shaking his head with a sad smile. “You’re right. You and Caleb are together. He should be the one to show you the ropes.”
“Me and Caleb being together…” I lean forward. “It doesn’t mean the two of us can’t be… f-friends.”
Stuttering out the last word, I barely manage to get it past my lips.
For all this time, for years, I’ve wanted Taylor Reed to notice me as more than a friend. And now I’m telling him we can be friends?
What the hell is wrong with me?
His blue eyes soften, and I feel my heart squeeze in my chest.
“Of course we’re…” he starts, but his words get cut short.
“Caleb!” I can hear one of the guys calling out his name. “Watch out!”
My head snaps up, eyes already scanning the horizon. I don’t have to look far because I feel him. I always feel him.
I don’t know what changed in the past few weeks or how or when.
But I feel him.
Every time he enters the room.
Every time he smiles.
Every time his eyes land on me.
I feel him.
I can see him clearly. Sliding though the pipeline. The pipeline catching up to him. Falling over him. Pulling him under.
I don’t remember calling out his name. I only remember the feelings.
Fear.
Powerlessness.
Anguish.
They squeeze around my heart so hard and so fast, I don’t know how to breathe.
At that moment, I don’t care about anything else. I don’t care about myself. About keeping my secret. I don’t fear what will happen to me if somebody sees me because the only thing on my mind is him.
Caleb.
Get to him.
Hold him.
Pull him out.
So I run.
CALEB
He’s next to her.
Again.
He’s making her smile.
Again.
Why is he doing it?
How is he doing it?
When I suggested this little charade, the last thing I had on my mind was that it would actually work, but it is working.
Ty started noticing her as more than just his friend. He sees her. Maybe not exactly the way I do, but close enough.
He’s noticing how
pretty she is. How beautiful. He’s noticing the sound of her laugh and he craves it, just like I do, only she never laughs with me. Not the way she does when she’s with him. I can never get her to laugh so carefree like he can.
I get hushed laughs hidden behind her hand. Side glances and eye rolls. Nervous giggles.
I get bits and pieces of her that I have to work so hard to collect, while he gets everything and he doesn’t even realize it. He doesn’t see how special she is.
Even when she’s pissing me off, I still crave her. I think I always will.
Marissa is carved into my skin. Into my bones. Into my soul. And even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t know how to get her out. But the thing is, I don’t want to. What she means to me, what she is to me, means too much to give up.
But it hurts, dammit.
It hurts watching her next to him and knowing that he’s the one she wants.
Not me.
Him.
Shutting down all these feelings raging inside of me, I turn on my board and look at the ocean. Wait. Listen. Feel.
“This one is mine,” I say to no one in particular.
When the moment is right, I start paddling toward the wave.
Away from Marissa.
Away from Taylor.
Away from every ugly feeling that’s awoken in me.
I know the exact moment something goes wrong. There is a reason why one should leave all the worries aside and concentrate on surfing if they’re on the board. Getting crushed by a wave is never fun, especially not this kind of wave.
I lose my balance and feel myself fall. The wave crashes over me, pushing all the air out of my lungs and dunking me underwater. Salty ocean water fills my mouth and nose.
The impact of the wave stings. My whole body hurts, and I can’t breathe.
Black spots start appearing in front of my eyes. I fight to inhale, get control over my body and push through it, but it’s no help.
I could maybe fight through one thing at a time, but not all of them together.
Lack of oxygen.
The impact of the wave.
Soreness of my whole body.
Drowning.
Marissa.
I can’t fight much longer for Marissa if she doesn’t let me.
My body starts falling deeper.