by KB Winters
I took a drink from my own coffee. Maybe Miles was right. Maybe it was obvious and right in front of me, but I still couldn’t see it through the fog.
****
After putting in a long day at the garage, I went home and took Peanut out for a walk around the block. He wasn’t fully up to speed, so we kept things slow and leisurely. I’d never had pets growing up. Most of the time my mom could barely afford to put food on the table for us, let alone a dog. I’d always been envious of my friends who had a dog to play with and chase after them. It was nice having company on the walk, but if I was really honest, it was more than that. Peanut made me feel closer to Alyssa. Like the connection was still there through the puppy.
When we got back home, I went to the mailbox and grabbed the handful of envelopes before heading inside. I flipped through them on my way back inside the house and stopped in my tracks at a yellow envelope with my name and address handwritten on the front. No return address.
My stomach sank. I knew what was inside without even opening it. I also knew I should throw the damn thing away. But I couldn’t make myself send it through the shredder. I bent over and unclipped Peanut’s leash and then tore open the envelope. A green and gold card fell out and I drew in a breath as I opened it.
Finn,
Sorry this is so late. I didn’t want you to think I forgot you this year. I hope you had a happy Christmas and that the New Year is finding you well.
Dad
Hot waves of anger washed over me. It was the same thing twice a year. Christmas and my birthday. A card would arrive in the mail, no return address, with a simple message and a phone number at the bottom. He didn’t want me to know where he lived—maybe he was afraid of me coming to kick his ass, I wasn’t sure—but always included his current phone number. Not that I’d ever once used it.
I stormed to the trash can and ripped the card into pieces and chucked them to the bottom of the bin. “Fuck off,” I told the discarded pieces.
Peanut barked from the living room, startled by my angry curse. I softened and went out to scoop him up. “Sorry, little guy. You’ve probably had enough of that, huh?” I stroked his head and felt my pulse slowly return to normal. I carried Peanut into the kitchen and went about getting him a bowl of food. When he was happily stuffing his face with kibble, I took my cell to the living room and dialed Kait’s number.
To my surprise, she answered on the first ring. “Hey, baby brother!”
I smiled. “Hey, sis. You got a few?”
“For you? Of course!”
I sighed and sat on the couch.
“What’s up?” she asked, a hint of concern in her tone.
“I got my Christmas card today.”
“Oh, for goodness sake…he’s still doing that?”
“Apparently.”
“I haven’t been home for the last week. Mine’s probably there waiting for me. I wish he’d put his address on it so I could write back and tell him to stop. It’s like he purposely wants us to only have one option to get a hold of him. Like he is somehow demented enough to think if he got one of us on the phone that he could talk his way out of twenty-plus years of neglect.”
I scoffed and shook my head. The man—and that was a lightly used term—was a mystery to me. “I don’t know what his deal is.”
“You okay? You sound tired.”
“I’m all right.” I scrubbed a hand over my face.
“Finn…”
I chuckled. There really was no point in trying to pull one over on Kait. She knew me too well to buy into my bullshit.
“You know what we were talking about the last time we had lunch?”
“You mean about Alyssa?”
I could picture her getting curled up in a comfy chair, ready for a good story.
“Yes and no. More the part about settling down and having a family. All that.”
“Sure. What about it?”
I tapped my fingers against my knee. “Do you really think that I’d be a good dad? Not now…but someday.”
“Finn, how could you even ask that? Of course, I think you’ll be a good dad someday. Just because ours is a piece of shit doesn’t mean you’re destined to repeat that same cycle. If anything, I think you’ll be a stronger role model because you know how it feels to miss out on that.”
I sat silent, soaking in her words. Kait had a way of talking that commanded attention, as if the words she spoke were unarguable certainties.
“Baby brother, tell me what’s going on,” she pleaded.
So I did.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Alyssa
“I gotta say, breakup chic looks good on you.”
I gave a half-smile at Sasha’s compliment. If only she knew that the man I was mourning losing wasn’t Rafe… Then again, it was Sasha. She’d probably be thrilled for the tidbit of juicy gossip.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been able to get together the past few weeks,” I said, digging through my salad. We’d met up for lunch at one of our usual spots. I’d dodged her invitations for a few weeks, preferring to spend all of my waking hours absorbed in work. It was the only thing that could somewhat ease the ache in my chest.
“Don’t worry about it. I get it.” Sasha waved a hand. “How have you been? Really?”
I bobbed my head as I swallowed my bite. “I’m good.”
She arched an eyebrow.
I smiled and reached for my iced tea. “I’m mostly good. It’s been a lot of change. I rented a condo in that new building, the Rivercrest. It’s a really nice place but moving is always a bitch. I had to buy all new furniture and kitchen shit.”
“That sounds horrific. You should have called me!” Sasha reprimanded. “I could have had someone do all that for you.”
I laughed. “I appreciate that but it was actually kind of therapeutic. Exhausting, yes. But I don’t know…there was something refreshing about starting over. New home, new furniture and decor, even the linens and towels. It’s like I’m overhauling my life from the ground up.”
Sasha didn’t look convinced.
“I’ll have you over sometime soon.”
“Good! I don’t want us to stop being friends just because you’re not with Rafe anymore.”
“I know. I don’t want that either. I really have just been busy.”
She nodded and sipped her lemon water. “So, new apartment, new stuff, work. Have you heard from Rafe?”
I shook my head. “No and I don’t want to. We talked when I went to pick up my stuff—”
“With a beefcake bodyguard if rumor is to be trusted,” she interjected, a gleam in her eyes.
My own eyes flew open. “What? How did you—”
Sasha laughed, the sound light and twinkling. “Your doorman plays racquetball with mine. They chat. And you know I like to be kept in the loop.”
I groaned. “God…”
Sasha grinned. “Who is the mystery man?”
“No one.”
The words came out too sharp and made my heart twist into a knot.
Sasha quirked her lips. “All right, keep your secret. For now. I’ll get the truth out of you eventually. I’m nothing if not persistent.”
Sadly, I knew she was right. I probably should have just coughed up the details, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to spend the rest of lunch talking about Finn. He was taking up way too much room in my head as it was.
Sasha picked through her own salad, her eyes downcast. “Actually, I saw Rafe the other day.”
“Oh?”
“Mmhmm. He looked like hell.”
The kernel of information made my petty, vindictive side do a little happy dance.
“I was at the office, visiting Jameson, and he was all ragged looking. Unshaved and his shirt was buttoned wrong. He’s falling apart without you, babe.”
I knew I should care, that the proper thing to do would be to offer some sympathetic expression of noise, but I couldn’t muster one up. Rafe had made his bed and I was more tha
n content to let him lie in it. The weeks of distance had only served to make that clearer in my mind. I didn’t hold one ounce of regret over leaving him. Only that I hadn’t seen the light sooner.
****
I left lunch with Sasha and returned to Hearts & Paws. Two staff members and one volunteer were all out with the flu, leaving the shelter in a bit of a pickle. Chelsea, the perky blonde who managed the animal care told me my help would go the farthest if I could bathe all the dogs. A recent rain storm had left the yard a giant mud puddle and all of the four-legged residents had been a little over zealous during their afternoon playtime. I rolled up my sleeves, put on a pair of rubber boots, and started scrubbing pups down in the back area where we had two large, walk-in wash tubs.
Within an hour, I was soaked to the skin from dogs shaking dry and one unfortunate set of events where the soaker hose slipped from my hand, landed on the trigger, and shot a spray of water right at my face.
“Geeze, boss lady, I told you to wash the dogs,” Chelsea teased, coming into the room with my next unwilling participant. For whatever reason, most of the pooches preferred their mud caked paws to going in the bath.
“Yeah. I had a little bit of technical difficulties,” I replied, swiping at my face with the back of my hand to push away the wet strands that had escaped my ponytail.
“You wanna take a break and dry off? I can take over?”
I shook my head. “No, I’m good. What do we have left? Two more after this guy?” I asked, bending to scratch Lars the Labradoodle behind the ears.
Chelsea nodded. “Yeah. And you’re in luck. Luca and Piper actually like bath time. I saved you the best for last.”
“Bless you.” I laughed and stood up to start coaxing Lars into the tub.
I turned on the water, letting it warm up against my hand. Chelsea turned and pushed the door open between the kennels and the grooming area. I started hosing Lars down but turned when Chelsea made a surprised yelp sound. A small puppy wandered in as she held the door open. “Peanut?” she said, stooping over to pick up the tiny dog. “What are you doing here?”
I stopped the water and Lars shook off the droplets from his fur coat. I hardly even noticed the spray. “Peanut?”
Chelsea nodded. “He’s got something on his collar.” She tugged free a note and came over. “It’s—well, it’s for you, Alyssa.”
I swiped my hands over the closest towel and reached out with trembling fingers to take the note. The handwriting was unmistakable. Finn.
“What does it say?” Chelsea asked.
I peeled it open and smiled through brimming tears. “It says ‘My dad wants you to know that he’s sorry for being an idiot.’”
Chelsea frowned down at Peanut. “Your dad?”
I nodded and opened my mouth to explain, but the door opened again and Finn appeared in the doorway. His eyes locked on mine.
“Chels, can you give us a few?”
“Um, sure.” Chelsea, still confused, nodded and carried Peanut out of the room, slipping past Finn as he entered the room.
I blinked quickly to keep from crying. “What are you doing here?”
Finn crossed the room, stopping just a few feet from me. If possible, he looked even better than usual. His scruff-coated jaw was dark and made him even more ruggedly handsome. “I had to come see you. I thought about calling but didn’t want to give you the chance to talk me out of making the trip.”
As he stared at me, I suddenly became aware of my disheveled state. My blue Hearts & Paws t-shirt was soaked through and clinging to me and my hair was a tangled, wet mess. “You have impeccable timing,” I teased gently.
A trace of a smile crossed his lips and I got lost in the dark look in his eyes. “You look beautiful as always.”
“You’re such a liar,” I countered, laughing. “I’m a complete disaster.”
Finn grinned down at me and took another step forward. “Then that makes two of us.”
Heat and electricity built between us. That magnetic pulse snapped back to life and it was all I could do to hold myself back and not race into his arms.
“Lyss, I fucked this whole thing up.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Yes. I did.”
I sighed. “There’s nothing you did wrong, Finn. I didn’t send you away because of something you did wrong.”
“My mistake wasn’t recent. My mistake was saying goodbye to you three years ago.”
“Finn…” I looked up at him, my eyes full and pleading. “Please—”
“I owe you an explanation. Regardless of whether or not we walk out these doors together, I need to tell you the whole story. You deserve to know the truth about why I left. It wasn’t fair of me to never give you something solid or make it seem like we’d simply grown apart when that wasn’t the truth. I was just as in love with you on that final day as I was the moment I first saw you dancing at that party.”
A sad smile crossed my lips at the memory.
Finn took a tiny hint of a step forward. “I was scared out of my mind that I wasn’t good enough for you, Lyss. The harder I fell, the sharper my own inadequacies became and eventually I couldn’t deal with the voices in my own head anymore. I was leaving for war, I didn’t know if I’d even come back—or if I did—what state I’d be in. I’d seen more than enough collateral damage to know that even the strongest relationships can break under the pressure of deployment—and the aftermath. I didn’t want that for you. I didn’t want to come home even more broken and fucked up and make you feel like it was your job to clean up the mess.”
“But why couldn’t you let me take care of you, Finn? I don’t know why you think—or—thought, I couldn’t handle it.”
He dropped his eyes to the floor between us for a long moment. His jaw tensed like he was struggling to regain control. When he finally brought his eyes back to mine, there was a soft shimmer. I’d never seen Finn cry before and seeing him on the cusp was enough to tear my heart into shreds.
His voice trembled as he started to explain, “You know, I never really learned how to let other people take care of me. Since I was a kid, I had to learn to be the man of the house. My dad was gone, my mom was a fucking drunk, and my sister was always getting the wrong kind of attention from any guy that looked at her. I had to take care of them first. I had to take care of myself. I’ve never relied on anyone else. Even in the army, I struggled with trusting my battle buddies to have my back and rely on other people handling shit.”
Tears slipped down my cheeks and I didn’t bother brushing them away. “Finn…you don’t—”
“I want to. I knew you were too good for me, from day one. But I couldn’t help falling in love with you. But in those final weeks before I shipped out…everything came to a point and I took the coward’s way out. I told you I wasn’t in love, that it wouldn’t work, that I needed a clear slate. All this bullshit. They were lies, Alyssa. Every single one of them. And I’ve regretted it every day since.”
A flood broke free in my heart, all the pain and haunted memories spilled out and laid bare in the new light of Finn’s confession. He hadn’t fallen out of love. He was scared. Terrified.
“I love you, Lyss. I never stopped. I know I broke your heart and I wish, more than anything, that I could go back in time and be man enough to tell you the truth. I don’t expect you to trust me or even forgive me. Hell, I wouldn’t blame you if you hate me for the rest of your life. But I’ve spent the past few weeks turning myself inside out, trying to figure out what the hell my problem is, and when I figured it all out, I knew that you deserved to hear it straight from me.”
“You’re an idiot.”
Finn’s eyebrows shot up. “Okay…probably well-deserved, but—”
I smiled and took a step closer to him, so our bodies were mere inches away. “You said you don’t expect me to forgive you, but you’re wrong, Finn. And I definitely don’t hate you. How could I? I’ve been in love with you just as long as you’ve been in love with me
and if there’s anything I’ve realized in the past few weeks since we were together, is that I never stopped loving you, either.” Finn’s grey eyes gleamed with surprise, and I reached up and placed my hand on the side of his face. “You’re the only man I’ve ever loved.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Alyssa
“I must say, you get bonus points for sending Peanut in with the apology.”
Finn chuckled, his chest vibrating under my cheek. “I figured that would work. He really is pretty damn hard to resist. You should see how many treats he suckers out of Miles whenever I take him to work with me.”
I laughed and ran my fingertips over his bare arm. “I can imagine.”
The small pup was off somewhere, likely wreaking havoc in the living room, as we lounged in bed, basking for a few more minutes in the afterglow. After making out in the back room of the shelter, we peeled apart long enough for me to take Finn back to my place and we took our sweet time showering off the dog bath residue before tumbling into my bed.
He looked around the bedroom—obviously having been too distracted to pay much attention to the details on the way in—and smiled down at me. “This place is much more you.”
“Agreed.” I smiled at the compliment. I doubted Sasha would be terribly impressed whenever she got around to visiting, but that didn’t matter. It felt like home. Even more so with Finn beside me in my bed. “Although, I gotta say, I don’t love that it’s an hour and a half away from you.”
“An hour and ten if you try hard enough,” Finn corrected with a sly smile.
I rolled my eyes.
He grabbed my hand and raised it to his lips. “I know what you mean though. But we’ll figure it out. I don’t work weekends.”
I frowned. “I’m usually at the shelter on the weekends helping out with adoptions.”