‘I hope that statement has cleared your mind for you,’ said Kenneth ironically.
‘No, it hasn’t, I didn’t expect it would.’ But now Julia was fighting hard against that no-man’s-land of feeling in which she had been living for so long, that under-sea territory where one thing confuses with another, where it is so easy to drift at ease, according to the pull of the tides.
‘I should have had children,’ she said at last, quietly. ‘That’s where we went wrong, Tom. It was children we needed.’
‘Ah,’ said Kenneth from his chair, suddenly deeply sincere, ‘now you are talking sense.’
‘Well,’ said Tom, ‘there’s nothing to stop us.’
‘I’m too old.’
‘Other women of forty have children.’
‘I’m too – tired. It seems to me, to have children, one needs …’ She stopped.
‘What does one need?’ asked Tom.
Julia’s eyes met Kenneth’s; they exchanged deep, ironic, patient understanding.
‘Thank God you didn’t marry me,’ he said suddenly. ‘You are quite right. Tom’s the man for you. In a marriage it’s necessary for one side to be strong enough to create the illusion.’
‘What illusion?’ asked Tom petulantly.
‘Necessity,’ said Kenneth simply.
‘Is that the office this girl is going to perform for you?’ asked Tom.
‘Precisely. She loves me, God help her. She really does, you know …’ Kenneth looked at them in a manner of inviting them to share his surprise at this fact. ‘And she wants children. She knows why she wants them. She’ll make me know it too, bless her. Most of the time,’ he could not prevent himself adding.
Now it seemed impossible to go on. They remained silent, each face expressing tired and bewildered unhappiness. Julia stood against the mantelpiece, feeling the warmth of the fire running over her body, but not reaching the chill within.
Kenneth recovered first. He got up and said: ‘Bed, bed for all of us. This doesn’t help. We mustn’t talk. We must get on, dealing with the next thing.’ He said good night, and went to the door. There he turned, looked clear and full at Julia with his black, alert, shrewd eyes, and remarked: ‘You must be nice to that girl, Julia.’
‘You know very well I can be “nice” to her, but I won’t be “nice” for her. You are deliberately submitting her to it. You won’t even move two miles away on to the next farm. You won’t even take that much trouble to make her happy. Remember that.’
Kenneth flushed, said hastily: ‘Well, I didn’t say I wouldn’t go to the other farm,’ and went out. Julia knew that it would take a lot of unhappiness for the four of them before he would consent to move himself. He thought of this house as his home; and he could not bear to leave Tom, even now.
‘Come here,’ said Tom gently, when Kenneth had left the room. She went to him, and slipped down beside him into his chair. ‘Do you find me stupid?’ he asked.
‘Not stupid.’
‘What then?’
She held him close. ‘Put your arms round me.’
He held her; but she did not feel supported: the arms were as light as wind about her, and as unsure.
In the middle of the night she rose from her bed, slipped on her gown and went along the winding passages to Kenneth’s bedroom, which was at the other end of the house.
It was filled with the brightness of moonlight. Kenneth was sitting up against his pillows; he was awake; she could see the light glinting on his eyes.
She sat herself down on the foot of his bed.
‘Well, Julia? It’s no good coming to me, you know.’
She did not reply. The confusing dimness of the moon, which hung immediately outside the window, troubled her. She held a match to the candle, and watched a warm yellow glow fill the room, so that the moon retreated and became a small hard bright coin high among the stars.
She saw on the dressing-table a new framed photograph.
‘If one acquires a wife,’ she said sarcastically, ‘one of course acquires a photo to put on one’s dressing-table.’ She went over and picked it up and returned to the bed with it. Kenneth watched her, alertly.
Slowly Julia’s face spread into a compassionate smile.
‘What’s the matter?’ asked Kenneth quickly.
She was not twenty-three, Julia could see that. She was well over thirty. It was a pretty enough face, very English, with flat broad planes and small features. Fair neatly-waved hair fell away regularly from the forehead.
There was anxiety in those too-serious eyes; the mouth smiled carefully in a prepared sweetness for the photographer; the cheeks were thin. Turning the photograph to the light Julia could see how the neck was creased and furrowed. No, she was by no means a girl. She glanced at Kenneth, and was filled slowly by a sweet irrational tenderness for him, a delicious irresponsible gaiety.
‘Why,’ she said, ‘you’re in love, after all, Kenneth.’
‘Whoever said I wasn’t?’ he grinned at her, lying watchfully back in his bed and puffing at his cigarette.
She grinned back affectionately, still lifted on a wave of delight; then she turned, and felt it ebb as she looked down at the photograph, mentally greeting this other tired woman, coming to the great rich farm, like the poor girl in the fairy story.
‘What are you amused at?’ asked Kenneth cautiously.
‘I was thinking of you as a refuge,’ she explained dryly.
‘I’m quite prepared to be.’
‘You’d never be a refuge for anyone.’
‘Not for you. But you forget she’s younger.’ He laughed: ‘She’ll be less critical.’
She smiled without replying, looking at the pictured face. It was such a humourless, earnest, sincere face, the eyes so serious, so searching.
Julia sighed. ‘I’m terribly tired,’ she said to Kenneth, turning back to him.
‘I know you are. So am I. That’s why I’m marrying.’
Julia had a clear mental picture of this Englishwoman, who was soon coming to the farm. For a moment she allowed herself to picture her in various situations, arriving with nervous tact, hiding her longing for a home of her own, hoping not to find Julia an enemy. She would find not strife, or hostility, or scenes – none of the situations which she might be prepared to face. She would find three people who knew each other so well that for the most part they found it hardly necessary to speak. She would find indifference to everything she really was, a prepared, deliberate kindness. She would be like a latecomer to a party, entering a room where everyone is already cemented by hours of warmth and intimacy. She would be helpless against Kenneth’s need for her to be something she could not be: a young woman, with the spiritual vitality to heal him.
Looking at the pretty girl in the frame which she held between her palms, the girl under whose surface prettiness Julia could see the anxious, haunted woman, the knowledge came to her of what word it was she sought: it was as though those carefully smiling lips formed themselves into that word.
‘Do you know what we are?’ she asked Kenneth.
‘Not a notion,’ he replied jauntily.
Julia accepted the word evil from that humourless, homeless girl. Twice in her life it had confronted her; this time she took it gratefully. After all, none other had been offered.
‘I know what evil is,’ she said to Kenneth.
‘How nice for you,’ he returned impatiently. Then he added: ‘I suppose, like most women who have lived their own lives, whatever that might mean, you are now beginning to develop an exaggerated conscience. If so, we shall both find you very tedious.’
‘Is that what I’m doing?’ she asked, considering it. ‘I don’t think so.’
He looked at her soberly. ‘Go to bed, my dear. Do stop fussing. Are you prepared to do anything about it? You aren’t, are you? Then stop making us all miserable over impossibilities. We have a pleasant enough life, taking it for what it is. It’s not much fun being the fag-end of something but even that has its
compensations.’
Julia listened, smiling, to her own voice speaking. ‘You put it admirably,’ she said, as she went out of the room.
A Home for the Highland Cattle
These days when people emigrate, it is not so much in search of sunshine or food, or even servants. It is fairly safe to say that the family bound for Australia, or wherever it may be, has in its mind a vision of a nice house, or a flat, with maybe a bit of garden. I don’t know how things were a hundred or fifty years ago. It seems, from books, that the colonizers and adventurers went sailing off to a new life, a new country, opportunities, and so forth. Now all they want is a roof over their heads.
An interesting thing, this: how is it that otherwise reasonable people come to believe that this same roof, that practically vanishing commodity, is freely obtainable just by packing up and going to another country? After all, headlines like World Housing Shortage are common to the point of tedium; and there is not a brochure or pamphlet issued by immigration departments that does not say (though probably in small print, throwing it away, as it were) that it is undesirable to leave home, without first making sure of a place to live.
Marina Giles left England with her husband in just this frame of mind. They had been living where they could, sharing flats and baths, and kitchens, for some years. If someone remarked enviously: ‘They say that in Africa the sky is always blue,’ she was likely to reply absentmindedly: ‘Yes, and won’t it be nice to have a proper house after all these years.’
They arrived in Southern Rhodesia, and there was a choice of an immigrants’ camp, consisting of mud huts with a communal water supply, or a hotel, and they chose the hotel, being what are known as people of means. That is to say, they had a few hundred pounds, with which they had intended to buy a house as soon as they arrived. It was quite possible to buy a house, just as it is in England, provided one gives up all idea of buying a home one likes, and at a reasonable price. For years Marina had been inspecting houses. They fell into two groups, those she liked, and those she could afford. Now Marina was a romantic, she had not yet fallen into that passive state of mind which accepts (as nine-tenths of the population do) that one should find a corner to live, anywhere, and then arrange one’s whole life around it, schooling for one’s children, one’s place of work, and so on. And since she refused to accept it, she had been living in extreme discomfort, exclaiming: ‘Why should we spend all the capital we are ever likely to have tying ourselves down to a place we detest!’ Nothing could be more reasonable, on the face of it.
But she had not expected to cross an ocean, enter a new and indubitably romantic-sounding country, and find herself in exactly the same position.
The city, seen from the air, is half-buried in trees. Sixty years ago, this was all bare veld; and even now it appears not as if the veld encloses an area of buildings and streets, but rather as if the houses have forced themselves up, under and among the trees. Flying low over it, one sees greenness, growth, then the white flash of a high building, the fragment of a street that has no beginning or end, for it emerges from trees, and is at once reabsorbed by them. And yet it is a large town, spreading wide and scattered, for here there is no problem of space: pressure scatters people outwards, it does not force them perpendicularly. Driving through it from suburb to suburb, is perhaps fifteen miles – some of the important cities of the world are not much less; but if one asks a person who lives there what the population is, he will say ten thousand, which is very little. Why do so small a number of people need so large a space? The inhabitant will probably shrug, for he has never wondered. The truth is that there are not ten thousand, but more likely 150,000, but the others are black, which means that they are not considered. The blacks do not so much live here, as squeeze themselves in as they can – all this is very confusing for the newcomer, and it takes quite a time to adjust oneself.
Perhaps every city has one particular thing by which it is known, something which sums it up, both for the people who live in it, and those who have never known it, save in books or legend. Three hundred miles south, for instance, old Lobengula’s kraal had the Big Tree. Under its branches sat the betrayed, sorrowful, magnificent King in his rolls of black fat and beads and gauds, watching his doom approach in the white people’s advance from the south, and dispensing life and death according to known and honoured customs. That was only sixty years ago …
This town has The Kopje. When the Pioneers were sent north, they were told to trek on till they reached a large and noble mountain they could not possibly mistake; and there they must stop and build their city. Twenty miles too soon, due to some confusion of mind, or perhaps to understandable exhaustion, they stopped near a small and less shapely hill. This has rankled ever since. Each year, when the ceremonies are held to honour those pioneers, and the vision of Rhodes who sent them forth, the thought creeps in that this is not really what the Founder intended … Standing there, at the foot of that kopje, the speech-makers say: Sixty years, look what we have accomplished in sixty years. And in the minds of the listeners springs a vision of that city we all dream of, that planned and shapely city without stain or slum – the city that could in fact have been created in those sixty years.
The town spread from the foot of this hill. Around it are the slums, the narrow and crooked streets where the coloured people eke out their short swarming lives among decaying brick and tin. Five minutes’ walk to one side, and the street peters out in long, soiled grass, above which a power chimney pours black smoke, and where an old petrol tin lies in a gulley, so that a diving hawk swerves away and up, squawking, scared out of his nature by a flash of sunlight. Ten minutes the other way is the business centre, the dazzling white blocks of concrete, modern buildings like modern buildings the world over. Here are the imported clothes, the glass windows full of cars from America, the neon lights, the counters full of pamphlets advertising flights Home – wherever one’s home might be. A few blocks farther on, and the business part of the town is left behind. This was once the smart area. People who have grown with the city will drive through here on a Sunday afternoon, and, looking at the bungalows raised on their foundations and ornamented with iron scrollwork, will say: In 1910 there was nothing beyond this house but bare veld.
Now, however, there are more houses, small and ugly houses, until all at once we are in the ’thirties, with tall houses eight to a block, like very big soldiers standing to attention in a small space. The verandas have gone. Tiny balconies project like eyelids, the roofs are like bowler hats, rimless. Exposed to the blistering sun, these houses crowd together without invitation to shade or coolness, for they were not planned for this climate, and until the trees grow, and the creepers spread, they are extremely uncomfortable. (Though, of course, very smart.) Beyond these? The veld again, wastes of grass clotted with the dung of humans and animals, a vlei that is crossed and crisscrossed by innumerable footpaths where the Africans walk in the afternoon from suburb to suburb, stopping to snatch a mouthful of water in cupped palms from potholes filmed with iridescent oil, for safety against mosquitoes.
Over the vlei (which is rapidly being invaded by building, so that soon there will be no open spaces left) is a new suburb. Now, this is something quite different. Where the houses, only twenty minutes’ walk away, stood eight to a block, now there are twenty tiny, flimsy little houses, and the men who planned them had in mind the cheap houses along the ribbon roads of England. Small patches of roofed cement, with room, perhaps, for a couple of chairs, call themselves verandas. There is a hall a couple of yards square – for otherwise where should one hang one’s hat? Each little house is divided into rooms so small that there is no space to move from one wall to the other without circling a table or stumbling over a chair. And white walls, glaring white walls, so that one’s eyes turn in relief to the trees.
The trees – these houses are intolerable unless foliage softens and hides them. Any new owner, moving in, says wistfully: It won’t be so bad when the shrubs grow up. And they g
row very quickly. It is an extraordinary thing that this town, which must be one of the most graceless and inconvenient in existence, considered simply as an association of streets and buildings, is so beautiful that no one fails to fall in love with it at first sight. Every street is lined and double-lined with trees, every house screened with brilliant growth. It is a city of gardens.
Marina was at first enchanted. Then her mood changed. For the only houses they could afford were in those mass-produced suburbs, that were spreading like measles as fast as materials could be imported to build them. She said to Philip: ‘In England, we did not buy a house because we did not want to live in a suburb. We uproot ourselves, come to a reputedly exotic and wild country, and the only place we can afford to live is another suburb. I’d rather be dead.’
Philip listened. He was not as upset as she was. They were rather different. Marina was that liberally-minded person produced so plentifully in England during the ’thirties, while Philip was a scientist, and put his faith in techniques, rather than in the inherent decency of human beings. He was, it is true, in his own way an idealist, for he had come to this continent in a mood of fine optimism. England, it seemed to him, did not offer opportunities to young men equipped, as he was, with enthusiasm and so much training. Things would be different overseas. All that was necessary was a go-ahead Government prepared to vote sufficient money to Science – this was just common sense. (Clearly, a new country was likely to have more common sense than an old one.) He was prepared to make gardens flourish where deserts had been. Africa appeared to him eminently suitable for this treatment; and the more he saw of it, those first few weeks, the more enthusiastic he became.
But he soon came to understand that in the evenings when he propounded these ideas to Marina, her mind was elsewhere. It seemed to him bad luck that they should be in this hotel, which was uncomfortable, with bad food, and packed by fellow-immigrants all desperately searching for that legendary roof. But a house would turn up sooner or later – he had been convinced of this for years. He would not have objected to buying one of those suburban houses. He did not like them, certainly, but he knew quite well that it was not the house, as such, that Marina revolted against. Ah, this feeling we all have about the suburbs! How we dislike the thought of being just like the fellow next door! Bad luck, when the whole world rapidly fills with suburbs, for what is a British Colony but a sort of highly-flavoured suburb to England itself? Somewhere in the back of Marina’s mind had been a vision of herself and Philip living in a group of amiable people, pleasantly interested in the arts, who read the New Statesman week by week, and held that discreditable phenomena like the colour bar and the black-white struggle could be solved by sufficient goodwill … a delightful picture.
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