Dedication
For Pip, and Harry
also make a mess in:
The Clumsies Make a Mess
The Clumsies Make a Mess of the Seaside
The Clumsies Make a Mess of the Big Show
The Clumsies Make a Mess of the Zoo
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
St. Apricot’s
Glue, and the wall of lunch
Grand Sports Day Part 1
Grand Sports Day Part 2
Copyright
About the Publisher
was a Tuesday morning and the Clumsies were hiding under the desk while Mr Bullerton - Howard’s boss - was looming over it, shouting at Howard.
‘I wonder what Howard’s done now?’ whispered Purvis, to Mickey Thompson.
‘I don’t know,’ whispered Mickey Thompson, back, ‘but whatever it is I wish they’d hurry up. I want my breakfast.’
agreed
Ortrud,
loudly
‘Shhh,’ whispered Purvis. ‘Listen: he’s saying something about a…’
‘School?’ said Howard. confirmed Mr Bullerton.
‘But I don’t want to go to ,’ said Howard. ‘I’ve already done all that; I’m an adult now.’
Mr Bullerton .
‘You will go to that up the road,’ he said, gesturing, ‘and you’ll give them a message from me.’
‘You don’t mean St Apricot’s?’ asked Howard.
‘I do mean St Apricot’s,’ said Mr Bullerton. ‘They’re having a this afternoon, so I’ve decided to attend as Guest of Honour. The people there will notice me and be impressed. That’s the first part of the message.’
‘But…’ began Howard.
‘And you may tell them,’ continued Mr Bullerton, puffing out his chest, ‘that even though I am a busy and important person with a busy and important schedule, I shall kindly make time to give them a speech and hand out the prizes. My name will be famous! That’s the second part of the message.’
‘But have they invited you?’ asked Howard. ‘Surely you’d need to be invited?’
‘Nonsense,’ said Mr Bullerton. ‘They’re lucky to have me, and you can tell them that too, as part three.’
‘I see,’ said Howard.
‘And then,’ continued Mr Bullerton, again, ‘you must put in place the appropriate arrangements.’
‘How do you mean?’ said Howard.
Mr Bullerton tutted. ‘The usual things for a Guest of Honour, of course,’ he said. ‘Plinths, cordials, etc.’
‘Eh?’ said Howard.
‘I SAID PLINTHS,
CORDIALS, ETC,’
shouted Mr Bullerton. ‘Make sure they’re ready. Go on, then; off you go.’
‘Can’t it wait a little while?’ asked Howard. ‘Only there are one or two things I need to…’
shouted Mr Bullerton, and Howard leapt up and dived under the desk.
‘Howard!’ the mice.
roared Mr Bullerton.
‘Help,’ gulped Howard.
‘Of course,’ said the mice. ‘We’ll come with you.’
‘No you won’t,’ said Howard. ‘Not this time.’
‘WHAT?’ shouted Mr Bullerton. ‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING UNDER THERE?’
‘I’m err... err…’
‘Finding your bag,’ whispered Purvis, handing Howard an bag, and climbing into it. Mickey Thompson and Ortrud climbed in too.
‘I SAID NO,’ shouted Howard.
‘DON’T YOU “NO” ME!’ shouted Mr Bullerton. ‘COME OUT AT ONCE!’
Howard sighed, defeatedly, grasped the bag , and stood up.
‘Sorry about that,’ he said, sidling towards the door. ‘I was just finding my bag.’
Mr Bullerton stared at it.
‘It’s ,’ he said.
‘Is it?’ said Howard, sidling faster. ‘I hadn’t noticed.’
‘What’s in it?’ said Mr Bullerton.
‘Err, nothing,’ said Howard, whisking out of the room and racing down the corridor towards the lift.
‘WHAT?’ shouted Mr Bullerton. ‘WAIT! I DON’T WANT YOU MUCKING
ANYTHING UP THIS TIME, HOWARD ARMITAGE!’
‘No, bye,’ waved Howard, as the lift arrived with a ‘PING!’ and he hurried inside.
‘DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?’ yelled Mr Bullerton, as the doors clunked shut.‘Where to?’ said the lift.
‘Come along, come along,’ said Howard, jabbing the buttons.
‘Ask nicely, now,’ giggled the lift, not budging. ‘Say the magic word.’
‘Delighted to oblige,’ said the lift, setting off.
‘At last,’ muttered Howard.
‘He’s agitated,’ observed the lift, as they trundled down. ‘What’s afoot?’
‘We’re taking a complicated message to the up the road,’ said Purvis.
‘They’re having a
‘Ooh!’ said the lift. ‘I’ve heard about those: there’ll be people running and leaping about and all sorts. Some of them get into sacks and bounce around.’
There was another scrabbling noise from inside the bag and Mickey Thompson peeped out, looking surprised.
‘It’s true!’ said the lift, warming to its theme. ‘There’s even a race where one person gets tied onto another person and they charge
more like. It wouldn’t be my cup of tea but they enjoy it.’
‘Mr Bullerton’s decided to be the Guest of Honour,’ said Purvis.
‘Has he, now?’ said the lift. ‘Got him in that great bag, have you?’
‘No,’ said Purvis. ‘He’s following on later once we’ve put in place the appropriate arrangements.’
‘At last,’ said Howard, hurrying out. ‘It gives me the when you talk to that thing. Lifts aren’t supposed to talk.’
‘Neither are mice,’ pointed out Mickey Thompson, , ‘but that doesn’t stop you talking to us.’
‘That’s different,’ said Howard.
‘Why?’ said Mickey Thompson.
‘It just is,’ said Howard.
‘But…’ began Mickey Thompson.
‘There isn’t time to discuss it now,’ said Howard, quickly. ‘We need to get going.’
‘But…’ began Mickey Thompson, again.
‘We can collect my dog on the way,’ said Howard. ‘The road to the passes right by my house.’
‘Allen!’ cheered the mice.
‘Allen,’ agreed Howard. ‘He’ll enjoy the walk, and Mr Bullerton need never know.’
So the Clumsies nestled back down in the bag, Howard hoisted it over his shoulder and, collecting Allen on the way, they set off up the road past offices and shops and a fence and a park and a wall and some houses and trees, and eventually they arrived at the .
Howard stopped.
‘Now listen,’ he said. ‘Best behaviour, understand?’
There was no reply.
‘Do you understand me?’ he said.
There was still no reply so Howard put the bag down and peered inside. Mickey Thompson and Purvis
‘Well?’ said Howard.
‘What?’ they said.
‘Did you hear what I said?’ said Howard.
‘No,’ they said.
‘There’s a lot of traffic and birds and things,’ said Purvis.
‘I was saying,’ said Howard, ‘you’re to be on your best behaviour.’
‘PARDON?’
shouted Mickey Thompson.
Howard ignored him. ‘I don’t want any… you know… incidents.’
‘Of course not, Howard,’ said the mice.
‘And no mess,’ said Howard. ‘Absolutely none.’
‘No, Howa
rd,’ said the mice.
‘And I’m including Ortrud in this,’ said Howard, firmly. ‘Does she understand?’ There was a loud snore from inside the bag.
‘She’s sleeping, Howard,’ said Purvis. ‘We’ll explain it to her later.’
‘Make sure you do,’ said Howard. ‘Now, Allen had better wait out here,’ he said, settling Allen in a comfortable spot. ‘We won’t be long.’
He hoisted the bag up again, trudged into the and backwards as a woman past on a small silver scooter, narrowly missing him.
‘Oof,’ he said.
shouted the woman. ‘WATCH YOURSELF, LADDIE!’ She skidded to a halt and dismounted. ‘They’re not allowed to ride them in the corridors so I’ve confiscated it, temporarily,’ she said, tapping the scooter. ‘But I couldn’t resist a little go; they are my corridors, after all.’
‘Are they?’ said Howard, sounding surprised.
‘In a manner of speaking,’ said the woman. ‘I am the
Headmistress of this establishment: JB Undercracker, at your service.’ She clicked her heels and thrust out a hand, so Howard shook it.
‘Right,’ said JB Undercracker, briskly. ‘Who are you and what do you want?’
‘I’ve come with a message,’ said Howard.
‘Oh yes?’ said JB Undercracker.
‘Actually, several,’ said Howard.
‘Oh yes?’ said JB Undercracker.
‘Actually one, but it’s got several parts,’ said Howard.
JB Undercracker narrowed her eyes.
‘Spill,’ she said.
‘Sorry?’ said Howard.
‘The beans, sonny,’ said JB Undercracker. ‘Spill ’em.’
‘Right,’ said Howard. ‘Well, it’s Mr Bullerton…’
‘Delighted to meet you, Mr
Bullerton,’ said JB Undercracker.
‘No, no,’ said Howard. ‘I…’
‘We are making good progress, aren’t we?’ she said. ‘And now we’ve established the who you are part of the equation, let’s tackle the what do you want. To what do we owe the pleasure?’
Howard mopped his brow.
‘It’s about your he said.
‘AAGGH!’ she , and Howard jumped. ‘We’re so excited. The children have been preparing for WEEKS.’
‘That’s good,’ said Howard, ‘because he, Mr Bullerton I mean, the real one, not me, is going to be St Apricot’s Guest of Honour.’
‘Super. Now look at this,’ said JB Undercracker, fiddling with the scooter. ‘It’s got a very interesting mechanism.’
‘Err, yes,’ said Howard. ‘So as I was saying, he’s importantly making some time for a speech and, and prizes and… busy schedule…’
‘I’ve always wondered how these things worked,’ said JB Undercracker, spinning the wheel.
‘That was parts one and two of the message,’ said Howard, pressing on, ‘and part three was to tell you you’re lucky.’
‘Aren’t we just,’ said JB Undercracker, beaming. ‘Is that everything?’
‘I think so,’ said Howard.
‘No, it isn’t,’ hissed Purvis, from inside the bag. ‘You’ve forgotten the plinths, cordials etc.’
‘OH, YES!’
shouted Howard, ‘I nearly forgot. We’ll be needing some plinths and cordials.’
‘Plinths?’ said JB Undercracker.
‘And cordials,’ nodded Howard.
‘Etc,’ hissed Purvis.
hissed Howard, hurriedly stuffing the bag behind his back. JB Undercracker gave him a funny look.
‘There might be a bottle of orange squash in the kitchen,’ she said. ‘Would that be of any use?’
‘It’s a start,’ said Howard.
‘Or I’ll tell you what, how about a nice cup of tea instead? You look as though you could do with one.’
‘Yes please,’ croaked Howard.
‘Good man,’ said JB Undercracker, slapping him on the back. ‘Leave the bag in my office and come with me.’
‘I’d prefer to keep hold of it, thank you,’ said Howard.
‘Nonsense,’ said JB Undercracker. ‘It’s far too big. What’s in it?’
‘NOTHING,’
shouted Howard. ‘Nothing at all.’
‘Well in that case you won’t be needing it, will you?’ she said, wrestling it from him, and flinging it into a nearby room. ‘Come along, Mr Bullerton.’ She climbed onto the scooter and shot off up the corridor, with Howard trotting worriedly behind.
said the mice, and went Ortrud, as the big bag landed with a bump on the floor of JB Undercracker’s office.
Mickey Thompson heaved a disappointed-sounding sigh.
‘What’s the matter?’ asked Purvis.
‘Well, if they’ve gone for a cup of tea they’ll probably be having a biscuit or something, won’t they?’ he said.
‘Possibly,’ said Purvis.
‘Or a slice of cake.’
‘You never know,’ said Purvis.
‘Or a little sandwich, even.’
‘Your point being?’ said Purvis.
‘We won’t get any,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘And we didn’t have any breakfast. And I’m hungry.’
went Ortrud.
‘Me too, now you mention it,’ said Purvis. ‘Let’s have a look around: maybe JB Undercracker’s got a biscuit tin.’
So they all climbed out of the bag and had a look around. They searched through the cupboards, rummaged amongst the bookshelves, explored under the desk and checked behind each and every one of JB Undercracker’s nick-knacks, photographs and certificates, but there was no biscuit tin.
‘Bother,’ said Mickey Thompson.
‘Oh well, I don’t suppose Howard will be much longer,’ said Purvis. ‘We can ask him to take us all for a café lunch before we go back to the office.’
‘But I need something now,’ groaned Mickey Thompson, clutching his tummy. ‘I’m feeling dreadfully faint.’ He staggered dramatically and collapsed against a nearby vase.
‘CAREFUL!’ shouted Purvis, as it toppled.
trumpeted Ortrud in alarm as it loudly onto the floor.
‘Oh dear,’ said Purvis.
‘I didn’t mean to,’ said Mickey Thompson, unhappily. ‘Do you think JB Underthingy’ll be very upset?’
‘I expect that depends on how fond she was of the vase,’ said Purvis, as they examined the broken pieces.
‘The pattern was pretty,’ said Mickey Thompson, even more unhappily. ‘I’d have been fond of it, if it had been mine.’
‘Don’t worry,’ said Purvis. ‘The bits are quite big. We could probably glue them together…’
‘Ooh!’ said Mickey Thompson, brightening.
‘If we had some glue.’
‘Ah,’ said Mickey Thompson, deflating. ‘I don’t remember seeing any when we were going through everything just now.’
‘It’s easy to miss glue if you’re looking for biscuits,’ said Purvis. ‘Let’s double check, quick.’ So they frantically scrabbled back through the photos and nick-knacks and cupboards and books and everything under the desk, but there was no glue.
‘Oh, oh,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘Oh.’
‘Don’t panic,’ said Purvis.
‘Help! Help!’ said Mickey Thompson, starting to.
‘Come on,’ said Purvis. ‘This is a great big building; there’s bound to be some glue in it somewhere. Let’s hurry and find it before they get back.’ He climbed onto Ortrud, yanked Mickey Thompson up after him, and they
went Ortrud, excitedly, as they careered down the corridors.
‘Faster!’ puffed Purvis.
‘STOP!’ yelled Mickey Thompson.
Ortrud skidded to a halt and the mice fell off.
said Purvis. ‘What did you do that for?’
‘DINOSAURS!’ said Mickey Thompson, pointing into the distance. ‘I can hear them!’
‘It can’t be,’ said Purvis.
‘Well there’s definitely something there,’ said Mickey Thompson, ‘an
d it’s coming this way. LISTEN.’
ickey Thompson was right: there was a in the like drums or thunder, and it was… getting… LOUDER.
‘EEK!’ squeaked the mice and went Ortrud.They all bundled into a nearby room and flattened themselves against the floor just in time as what seemed like hundreds and hundreds of shoes past. Attached to the shoes were hundreds and hundreds of socks and attached to the socks were hundreds and hundreds of children.
‘Wow,’ said Mickey Thompson, once they’d into the distance. ‘Those must have been the children.’
‘I wasn’t expecting so many,’ said Purvis.
‘Nor that they’d go so fast,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘I wonder what made them like that.’
‘I suppose something startled them,’ said Purvis, and Mickey Thompson made a noise.
‘You’re right,’ he said. ‘It was the crashing vase. Oh, what have I done? What have I done?’
‘Eh?’said Purvis.
‘It’s all my fault,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘I broke the vase that caused the crash that started the .’
‘Well, I don’t think…’ began Purvis.
‘And what if they can’t stop running and running and eventually someone trips up and falls down and gets hurt? It’ll all be because of me.’
‘No, no,’ said Purvis. ‘I really don’t…’
‘No, I really don’t either,’ said a voice from somewhere above. The mice jumped and gazed around but there was no one to be seen.
‘Did you hear it?’ mouthed Mickey Thompson, at Purvis.
‘Yes,’ mouthed Purvis, back.
‘Who said it?’ mouthed Mickey Thompson, at Purvis.
‘I don’t know,’ mouthed Purvis, back.
‘Greetings, mice, and elephant,’ said the voice. ‘I can see you.’
‘A ghost, an invisible ghost!’ Mickey Thompson, grabbing onto Purvis.
‘I am neither a ghost nor invisible,’ said the voice, calmly. ‘I am Russell.’
The Clumsies Make a Mess of the School Page 1