by Sofia Grey
Chapter 18
18.1 Kate
The summer faded into autumn. I’d lived at Rhosneigr for two months. In some ways, it felt like a couple of weeks. In others, as though I’d been there forever. It was easy to lose track of time.
I sat on the rickety garden bench and gazed up at the darkening sky, watching the starlings swoop together as they prepared to go to roost.
And there was another painful reminder of Jordan.
That first night in the hotel, I’d thought the delegates leaving the conference to be like a flock of starlings. I allowed myself to remember that night. Dancing with him. Talking and laughing over dinner. How kind he was when I cried all over him. And the sex… God. I squirmed, thinking about it.
Right. That was my lot for today. A self-help book I read recently suggested I think of him twice every day, and that was all. If he crossed my mind at any other time, I had to push past it. The theory was sound, but it was hard in practice.
Harder though, was to forget what could have been our baby. I cupped my flat stomach and imagined how it would look now. Slightly rounded. Not really showing yet. I should be worried about looking fat. I should have a husband and a career.
Instead, I had a huge, empty house. It mirrored my life.
What a bloody mess.
The first weeks here, I’d hardly left the house. I was scared of seeing pregnant women, worried I’d start crying in a public place and be unable to stop. I didn’t pretend to understand myself. I hadn’t even wanted a child, and my first reaction to being pregnant was horror. Funny how that changed. Now I felt like a failure. My doctor assured me could try for another baby when I was ready , but that was never going to happen. Not with Jordan. And I couldn’t imagine ever loving someone else as much.
At least I wasn’t living alone. Billy was good company. The brush of soft fur against my leg alerted me to his arrival, and I reached down to stroke him. The day I moved in, weary and tearful and utterly broken, I found a small black cat in the kitchen. Painfully thin, he hissed at me and ran off, but came back later, to steal the sandwich I didn’t eat. In exchange for food, he now kept the mice at bay. He liked to cuddle, too, and had started curling up next to me in bed. His loud purr soothed me to sleep most nights.
I examined my hands in the twilight. Grubby and calloused, they were in need of soaking in hand cream tonight, but I should feel proud of myself. I’d finishing retiling the bathroom. By myself. I’d made a pretty, if haphazard, mosaic with tiny azure-blue tiles on a white background. I loved it. And I’d worked myself into a state of exhaustion.
Sophie sent me a long and chatty email today, saying how she missed me and asking if I’d like to go to London to stay with them. That was an immediate no. I’d rather they came here, but I only had one usable bedroom at the moment. The house had been in a worse state of repair than I expected, and I was renovating one room at a time. I could strip and redecorate the second bedroom in time. It wasn’t as though I had anything else to do.
I was grateful for Gran’s inheritance. Not only the house, but a small lump sum that would keep me going another six months or so if I was frugal. It meant I didn’t have to go back to work yet. Any kind of work. Would I go back to IT sales? A few months ago, it was my sole focus, but now I didn’t know.
How was Jenny these days? The only person to have my new phone number was Sophie, and she promised not to share it. Not with my old friends, and especially not with Jordan. If I spoke to him, I’d probably say something stupid. Something along the lines of I miss you.
Sophie had taken great pains to defend him. He wouldn’t have known the details of the Micro-Tel-Inc restructure, let alone be a party to it. TM-Tech was a huge company, and he couldn’t be across every deal that went through. It was plausible. I preferred to be mad at him, though, otherwise I really did miss him. If it was impossible to maintain a relationship with three hundred miles between us, the gulf now was worse.
How did he deal with my miscarriage? Had it come as a relief? He only married me out of a sense of obligation. If I hadn’t been pregnant, we might not be together now anyway.
I fussed over Billy some more. It was going to be another sleepless night.
18.2 Jenny
My first reaction to Marella’s invitation, was no. A party at Adam’s house? With colleagues from both SDC and ComCo? Hell, no. Cade would be there. And Adam. Which freaked me the most? Cade, definitely. We were painfully polite to each other at work, only speaking when we had to—which was at least once a day. The work on the Ynos account was going well, and I led weekly meetings with the larger project team as well as daily standups with the key team members.
What I didn’t expect was for Marella to speak to Rob, when he came to pick me up one evening. She charmed my grumpy husband and soothed a smile from him, along with the agreement to attend her party with me this weekend.
“Your boss is nice,” he announced, as he drove us home. “Why didn’t you say we’d go?”
“It’s a work thing,” I mumbled. “I didn’t think you’d want to. You won’t know anyone.”
“Will that fucker be going?”
He meant Cade. “I’ve no idea. Would you like me to ask him?”
Rob clenched his hands around the wheel.
“Joking. That was a joke. I hardly ever see him,” I said.
“Just as well.”
With Kate’s departure from Manchester, I’d invented a new girlfriend for Cade. Every time Isobel suggested we catch up, I made up an excuse. I couldn’t look at her without thinking of her with Adam, while Marella remained ignorant. The lies I had to maintain were exhausting.
The prospect of going to a social function with Rob, when Cade, Marella, Adam, Isobel, and Greg would be there, made me nauseous. I could pretend to be sick? No. The answer was simple. We’d go quite early, stay for one drink, and then I’d suggest we leave before Rob got bored.
* * * *
We were late, leaving for the party. Rob pointed out my dress showed too much cleavage, and I had to get changed. Then he needed to stop for wine and beer to take with us, and then he couldn’t find a nearby parking space. We had to park two streets away and walk to Marella’s in the rain. Not the best start to the evening.
If that wasn’t bad enough, Rob knew Adam from football. They played on opposing teams, but drank together after matches, and they greeted each other with gusto. Jesus. Was this my worst nightmare, before my eyes?
I made small talk with a couple of my colleagues and tried to avoid eye contact with Cade, who was on the other side of the room. Rob and Adam were deep in football-talk, slapping each other on the back and adopting macho poses, when Cade took the opportunity to approach me. He stood next to me and touched my hand. “You okay? You look terrified,” he said in a low voice.
Did I? Exhausted, more like. “I’m fine. Thanks. Just hope Rob doesn’t get hammered tonight.”
Cade’s face tightened. “Jenny—”
“Not now. Please.” I felt a hand at my waist and turned to give Rob a smile. He flicked his gaze between me and Cade, and I felt my cheeks heating. He shouldn’t think Cade meant anything to me.
I tried to distract him. “I didn’t know you knew Adam. Small world, huh?”
Rob was suspicious. He reminded me of a hunting dog, the way he sniffed out even the faintest hint of anything untoward.
“Darling”—I placed a hand on his arm—”would you like me to get you another drink? I was just going to the kitchen.”
“Yeah. Thanks.” He glared at Cade as I moved, but to my relief Cade turned away and started chatting with a tall and very attractive brunette from J&J.
Several drinks later, Adam turned off the music and rattled a knife against a wine bottle. “First of all, thanks to everyone for coming tonight. As some of you know, I have an announcement to make.”
I glanced at Marella. She looked excited and pleased with herself.
Adam continued. “I’ve persuaded the gorgeous Marella to
marry me. I propose a toast to my fiancée.”
My gaze was drawn to Isobel and the smile painted onto her face. Maybe now she’d finish things with Adam? My nerves were stretched to breaking point, and I didn’t know how much longer I could stay. I went looking for Rob and found him in the kitchen, playing a drinking game with two guys. My heart plummeted.
“Hey. I was wondering if you wanted to go home soon.” I said.
“What?” He dragged his attention away from the alcohol being measured out. “Not yet. I’ve got a bet going.” He was betting? For money? I had a bad feeling about how this would work out.
Dancing had resumed in the living room, and I searched the room until I found Cade, still with the brunette. Who could I talk to? Marella was chatting with Isobel. I’d go offer my congratulations and try to sound pleased for her.
Before I moved, somebody else entered the room. Cherise. She walked straight up to Marella, and even over the music, I could tell they were arguing. I reached them just as Marella staggered to a chair.
“I don’t believe you,” Marella cried. “Why are you doing this?” She grabbed Isobel’s hand. “Cherise is saying she’s Adam’s mistress.”
Next to join us was Adam. “What the fuck is going on?”
Cherise scowled at him. “You said you were going to break up with Marella, not get engaged to her. I thought she ought to know the truth about you.”
“You stupid cow. What do you think you’re playing at?” His voice boomed out.
The music had stopped. There was now a crowd watching the drama. Adam looked more dangerous than ever. His eyes flashed, and he sneered at Cherise. “You’re delusional. Fuck off, before I call the police.” He shoved her away, the force of it making her stumble into someone. Tears flowed down her face, and I didn’t know whom I felt most sorry for. I wished I was anywhere but there.
“Get the fuck out of my home.” Adam grabbed Cherise’s arm and yanked her toward the door. She yelped, and two men stepped forward. Cade and Greg.
“Get the stupid little cunt out of my sight.” Adam snapped, but Cade shook his head and slipped his arm around the girl’s shoulders, holding her while she sobbed on him.
Greg stepped up to Adam. “Watch your language, mate. That’s no way to talk to a lady.”
Adam snorted, and my blood ran cold. “That’s no lady,” he said with a sneer. “She’s a manipulative little slut, trying to rake up dirt.”
“I’m not the only one. Am I?” Cherise stared at Isobel. “How many other women have you cheated with, Adam?”
Isobel froze. Greg looked puzzled, and then angry. “Leave Bella out of this. She has nothing to do with you.”
“Maybe not. But everyone knows she was having an affair with Adam this summer. Ask her if you don’t believe me.”
Isobel’s mouth moved, but no sound came out. Suddenly she was the center of attention.
“Bella, tell me she’s lying.” Greg was calm.
Her cheeks flushed, a red glow that spread down her throat. “It was ages ago.” Her voice came out a squeak.
“Liar,” hissed Cherise, safe in Cade’s arms. “All those lunchtime meetings I set up for Adam. With you. He got bored with you, and that was when he turned to me.”
Chaos descended. Marella, Adam, Greg and Isobel formed a tableau on center stage, while Cade led the weeping Cherise to the door.
“Greg, please listen to me.” Isobel clung to his shirt.
“Did you have an affair with him? While you were seeing me?”
“Yes, but—”
Greg’s face went blank. He turned to Adam and raised his hands in a conciliatory gesture. “I guess I should be thanking you, for stopping me from making the biggest mistake of my life.” He looked back at Isobel. “I’ll call by for my things, but then I never want to see you again.”
In the midst of it all, Rob appeared. “What the fuck is going on?”
“Can we please go home?” There was too much angst in this room, and I couldn’t wait to escape.
“In a minute. Let me see if Adam’s okay.”
Who gave a fuck about Adam? My husband. Next to leave were Marella, then Greg, followed by Isobel, who looked as though the bottom just fell out of her world. I found it difficult to feel sorry for her. She had to know what she was doing, unlike Marella, who’d had no idea.
18.3 Jordan
“Sorry I’m late, guys. I couldn’t remember which restaurant we were meeting in.” I slipped into the seat opposite Marcus and Louisa and noticed their beaming faces. “Hey, what’s the joke? Do I have a smudge on my nose?”
They laughed, and Louisa touched my arm. “You look as adorable as ever. We just have something wonderful to tell you.”
“Well?”
“We’re having a baby.” Marcus picked up Louisa’s hand and kissed her fingers.
The breath jammed in my lungs. These were the people I was closest to. I had to reassure them I was happy for them. I plastered a smile on my face. “That’s great news. Let’s get champagne, to celebrate.”
“Orange juice for me.” Louisa blushed. “Are you sure you don’t mind?”
“Why should I mind?” I tried to sound jovial, as though it was the best thing I’d heard all day. “What happened with Kate is water under the bridge.” I waved to the nearest waiter with the desperation of a drowning man spying a lifeboat. “Champagne please. Best in the cellar. And freshly squeezed orange juice for the lady.”
Marcus and Louisa chattered over the menu options, while I stared blankly at the card in front of me. It could have been upside down, for all I noticed. If Kate hadn’t miscarried, if I hadn’t bullied her, we’d be having our own child. Most days, I pushed it out of my mind, but when my best friends told me they were starting a family, the pain was impossible to ignore. God, this was hard.
I took a swig of champagne, and then another. Fuck it. I’d have a liquid dinner. It might go some way toward filling the void inside of me.
If I still ached over our loss, how was Kate coping? Maybe I should try to contact her again? Or maybe not. She hated me.
Fixing Marcus and Louisa with a determined grin, I asked what they were eating. I had to get through this meal, ask the right questions, and show the interest expected of me. It’d be hours before I could escape to my own thoughts.
Marcus had been in Europe a lot recently, and I hadn’t seen much of him. Lou insisted we eat together most nights, but I’d failed to notice anything different about her. How much longer were they going to live with me?
I toyed with my food, unable to eat. “I had a late lunch,” I lied, and poured more champagne.
“There’s something else.” Marcus seemed hesitant, and I tried to look interested. “We’d like you to be the baby’s godfather.”
Was there no end to this purgatory? Was this my punishment for the loss of my child? “I don’t know.” I tried to let them down gently. “I’m not really a great influence for a kid. Don’t you have anyone else in mind?”
Louisa had a determined look on her face, one I knew only too well. “Jordan, we want you for the godfather, and I am not gonna compromise.”
I couldn’t tell her the truth—that since Kate’s miscarriage, I couldn’t stand to see or hear babies anywhere. That holding someone else’s child and being asked to love it was more than I could cope with.
I clamped down on my feelings again, and fixed the smile back on my face. My cheeks started to ache. “Then, how can I refuse?”
18.4 Jenny
Rob sat hunched in his seat on the way home. My mind was like a kaleidoscope, filled with images from the party. Marella’s tears. Isobel’s horror. Adam’s cruelty. I wished again we’d stayed at home tonight. It only occurred to me as I unlocked our front door that Rob hadn’t spoken a word on the half-hour journey.
“Are you okay? God, I need a drink too,” I said.
He followed me silently into the kitchen, watched me pour a glass of wine, and then stepped up next to me, boxing me against
the fridge. I tried to smile, but it was touch and go. He usually got horny after drinking, but sex was the last thing I felt like right now.
“Do you want some too?” I handed him my glass, meaning to pour another for myself.
He took the half-empty bottle from me and placed it on top of the fridge. “What I want,” he said softly, “is the truth. For once.”
My heart lurched with a violence that made me gasp. If he’d punched me in the stomach, it couldn’t have shocked me more. “What do you mean?” It came out a frightened whisper.
Rob cocked his head on one side. “You’ve forgotten how to tell me the truth, dumpling? Let me remind you.”
He lifted the drink I gave him, and then smashed the top against the side of the fridge. Glass and ice-cold wine splashed over me. I squeaked, and Rob pressed closer, pinning my lower half with his body.
I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t breathe. What was he going to do? I couldn’t take my eyes off the remains of the glass in his hand. Jagged and sharp, it was a brutal weapon. I trembled. “Rob. Please don’t.”
He shoved a hand into my hair and pressed my head against the fridge door. I tried to tug his hand away, but he was too strong. “Please don’t what?” he asked.
“Don’t hurt me.”
“You hurt me, Jenny. Every time you talk to that fucker. You know how I feel about him.”
“I have to work with him.” Tears sprang from my eyes. “I can’t help that.”
“What about his girlfriend?”
“Which girlfriend? I don’t know if she was there tonight.”