by Nina Mason
“Good,” she said. “Because I do not intend to change…for you or any other man.”
He smiled at her. “I do not want you to change, you lusty wench. But I would very much like to know what you read.”
She dug Memoirs out of its hiding place in her corset and set it atop his waistcoat. “There. You can see for yourself what I’ve been reading.”
Taking up the book, he perused the blank red cover before opening to the frontispiece. As he read the title to himself, his lips compressed and his jaw muscles tensed.
“God in Heaven,” he said after perusing a few pages. “This book is banned in this country.”
“Is it? Why?”
He looked stupefied. “Because it is pornography, dearest.”
“Well I thought it rather amusing…as well as instructive.” She sat up and looked off toward the river. “Tell me something, Theo. Do you believe women feel the same passions as men?”
“I do,” he quickly replied. “Not as savagely perhaps, but certainly no less fervidly.”
“Why do men’s passions make savages of them when women’s do not?”
He released a small sigh. “Because women are more civilized creatures on the whole.”
Still gazing at the river, she asked, “Are you a man of savage passions?”
“I have passions, certainly…but I do not know how savage they are anymore.”
Pricked by jealousy, she turned to look at him. “Did you feel that kind of passion for the girl who broke your heart?”
He looked very grim as he said, “What I felt for her was more akin to blind worship than passion.”
Turning back to the river, she worried her lip as she gathered the courage to ask the question pressing upon her heart. When she felt brave enough to weather whichever answer he might give her, she asked, “And how do you feel about me?”
There was a frightfully long silence before he said, “More passionately than I’ve allowed myself to feel for some time.”
Fourteen
“Is it not a perfect day for a picnic?” Theo asked Louisa as the landau juddered along toward the secluded glen where they planned to spend the afternoon together. His window was down and he could smell the sweet scents of apple blossoms and wildflowers on the breeze.
Happily, it was a perfect day for his other plan as well.
She lifted her head from his shoulder and looked out at the weather. “It is indeed.”
They had been courting above a month now and, with each subsequent rendezvous, he grew more attached to her. But last night’s assembly ball had been the clincher. Feigning indifference to her had been nothing short of torture. He could not have borne it but for the knowledge he would have her all to himself today, to kiss and caress and fondle as openly and passionately as he desired—and perhaps to make love to her at long last.
“I hope you know how fond I am of you, Theo. To me, you are perfect, just as you are.”
He was unsure what brought that on, but he was glad of her feelings. “I feel the same way about you, Louisa.”
Silence fell between them—a silence filled with the sounds of the landau rolling along the road. For carriages made such a noise one had to nearly shout to be heard over the cacophony.
At length, she said, “There is something I have been wondering about…”
Uh-oh. “Is there?”
“Yes, but I fear bringing it up will upset you.”
His shields shot up as he tried to work out what she might be referencing. Coming up blank, he decided to take his chances. “I give you leave to ask me any manner of question, darling.”
She took a deep breath and docked her head on his shoulder. “It is nothing too terrible, I promise you. I simply want to know more about the thoughtless creature who broke your heart—so that I might better understand why her rebuff had such a devastating effect on you.”
Theo chewed on his lower lip as he gathered his thoughts. He did not mind telling her. In fact, he thought doing so just might prove cathartic. For, as the saying went, a burden shared was a burden halved—and he’d carried this particular burden all alone for much too long already.
“Her name was Edwina Carter. We met at an officers’s ball when I was a Lieutenant of two-and-twenty. With her pretty face, refined bearing, and proper diction, she had more class than any other young lady I’d met to that point. Little did I know at the time, it was all window dressing designed to attract a man who would support her in style.”
“And you, being young and gullible, were completely taken in, I suppose.”
“I confess that I was,” he said. “And so, from the moment we met, I treated her as if she were made of porcelain instead of flesh and blood. When the war came, I went off to fight, leaving her behind, though not before asking her to marry me—if and when I returned from Trafalgar.”
Louisa tilted her head back and searched his eyes. What did she seek in them? Reassurance? Regret? Love? Did she perhaps fear he still carried a torch for Edwina?—and would never love again as he had before?
“She accepted my offer with assurances of her attachment to me.” His mouth was dry, his throat tight, and his heart heavy. “All the time I was away, I kept her up on a pedestal—but now as a lantern of hope—a shining beacon to help me endure the danger, the gore, and the…amputation.” He cleared his throat and raked his fingers through his hair. He was sweating, but could not say why. “Needless to say, her betrayal crushed my hopes and shattered my confidence. Little by little, I have glued the pieces back together, but the cracks, I fear, will never mend completely.”
“You poor man,” Louisa said, kissing his cheek. “She must have said something horrid to you. You do not have to tell me what it was, if you are not of a mind to do so. But, if you wish to tell me, I am ready to listen.”
All at once, Theo was back in Portsmouth, reliving that terrible moment when Edwina broke his heart. He’d been shocked by her cold greeting—and astounded all the more by the coldness of her words. But far more painful was the look of disdain in her eyes as she regarded him as if he were a leper.
He drew a deep, shuddering breath and let it out. “She said, ‘Never could I marry a man with one leg. The mere thought of sharing a bed with such a hideous creature makes me physically ill.’”
“Oh, Theo,” Louisa cried, throwing her arms around him. “It was all a lie—to hide her infidelity.”
Astonishment lanced Theo’s heart. “How do you know this?”
“Your sister told me.”
Winnie’s betrayal cut him as deeply as Edwina’s had. “My own sister knew of this all this time…and never thought to tell me?”
“She did not think knowing would help.”
As ice pumped through his veins, he withdrew and stared out the window. “I promise you, it would have made all the difference in the world.”
Another silence fell, but this time it was as cold as winter. He could not believe the two women he cared for most in the world would keep something so important from him. Had he known Edwina had been cheating on him, he might not have taken her criticisms to heart.
But he did, believing her objections to him as a husband sincerely meant—as well as universal among women. For if she found him too repulsive to marry, it stood to reason that others would feel the same way. And based on that belief, he’d closed his heart to the possibility of ever finding what he wanted most in this world.
The unconditional love of a worthy partner.
“Please, do not be cross with me—or your sister.” Louisa sounded small and afraid, which only brought him lower. “It was never our intention to hurt you.”
“I am not angry with you—or with her, for that matter,” he said, still agitated. “I’m angry with myself—for believing that two-timing bitch’s cruel lies.”
As the carriage rumbled on, his thoughts drifted back to that profound moment when Louisa had kissed his scars. He had been so touched by the unanticipated gesture, so deeply moved, he nearly wept. E
ven in recollection, his eyes were misty.
“Promise me you will tell me everything from now on,” he said. “If we are to trust each other, there must be no secrets between us hereafter.”
“I promise…and beg your forgiveness for my error in judgment.”
“The error was mine, dearest, and nobody else’s.”
The landau drew to a stop beside a small stone church on the edge of the wilderness where they planned to picnic. After disembarking, they took up the provisions and set off in search of a spot both level and secluded. Finding one within a cluster of trees, Louisa laid out the blanket while Theo investigated the contents of the hamper his cook had packed for their luncheon.
When they were settled, he took out the still-warm partridges, sliced the bread, and pared the fruit. She, meanwhile, uncorked the wine and filled two pewter cups. He took one from her, drank it down, and handed her back his cup for more. With luck, the alcohol might give him the courage he needed to state his intentions.
They talked a little as they ate and drank and, eventually, his head found its way into her lap. She plucked a blade of grass and used it to draw lazy circles upon his brow. He gazed up at her, struck by her beauty. He always thought her handsome, of course, but for some reason, she looked even lovelier than usual today.
Whether it was the wine or his affection for her that made the ground tilt beneath him, he could not say. He only knew, in that instant, she was his life-boat and, if he did not climb aboard, he would drown alone in the murky depths of loneliness, despair, and self-loathing.
Raising himself to a sitting position, he waited until she looked at him. “There is something I would say to you,” he began, his throat and chest constricted, “but first, please allow me to say how ashamed I am of my earlier behavior. Had I not been so insecure…or given so much credence to Edwina’s rebuff, I would have seen your interest in me as the great blessing it was. But now that I have recovered my senses—and see what a rare and wonderful woman you are—I must ask, with a hopeful heart, if you would do me the great honor of becoming my wife.”
* * * *
“Before I give you my answer,” Louisa said, her heart beating hard, “I must be sure you do not feel I have pressured you into something you do not desire…or that you have made your offer out of gallantry instead of genuine affection.”
“Have no fear on that score,” he assured her. “I promise you, I am acting only to please myself. For never in my life have I wanted anything more than to have you for my wife.”
Stroking his hair, she said, “Then, yes. Yes! I will marry you—of course I shall—and to the devil with my father and anyone else who would have it otherwise.”
“I concur wholeheartedly. To the devil with anyone who does not wish us joy. For we shall make each other happier than any of them ever will. Is that not right, my darling?”
“Oh, Theo,” she cried joyfully, “you have made me so happy. So very, very happy.”
He gazed into her eyes for a few blissful moments before saying, “I thought we might go to Gretna Green tomorrow—before first light. That way, you will not be missed until we are well on our way to Scotland.” He paused before adding, “Unless you think tomorrow is too soon to run away together.”
“If it were possible, I would run away with you today—to the ends of the earth, if necessary.”
“Good.” His smile was as bright as the sun overhead. “Then it’s settled. We shall meet tomorrow before sunup and be on our way to our new life together.”
Though the prospect of marrying the man she loved—and so soon—filled her with joy, Louisa still feared her father’s reaction. When he discovered her deceit, he would be furious—more furious, she was certain, than he’d ever been with her before. Would he try to retrieve her?—or simply write her off as a lost cause?
Her worries fled when Theo reared up and kissed her softly on the mouth. “Now that we are engaged, will you grant me leave to make love to you? Or would you rather wait until our wedding night?”
Louisa saw no reason to delay. Giving herself to him felt right, despite what society and the Church might say. Besides, she would be his wife in a few days, so giving herself to him now could not be too great a sin against God…could it?
“Will you be gentle with me?”
He kissed her forehead, the tip of her nose, the swell of her lips, and the point of her chin. “I give you my word.”
“In that case”—she smiled at him—“I grant you leave to proceed.”
She was nervous, but tried to talk her fear away. He promised to be gentle. He knew what he was doing. He loved her and would not hurt her.
Theo moved down her body and pushed her skirts up to her navel, startling her a little. In her sexual fantasies, she had imagined many things, some sweet and some wicked. In none of them, though, did she imagine him falling upon her sex with his lips and tongue. But the heavenly tinglings his oral oblations produced in her soon warmed her to the idea. When her body convulsed in response to an onrush of extreme, almost painful, pleasure, she dug her fingers into the tall, cool grass beneath her.
What she’d done to herself paled in comparison.
He raised his head and met her glassy gaze. “Are you happy?”
“Yes.” She was, in fact, almost comatose with joy.
He planted kisses on her abdomen before coming down beside her on his back. She set her head on his chest and stroked his face. “I believe I shall enjoy being married to you.”
“Kiss me,” he said. “Unless you find the idea distasteful.”
She frowned at him. “Why would I find the idea distasteful?”
“Because I taste of you.”
It took her a moment to realize what he meant. “Do you mind the taste?”
“Not at all…but you might.”
She got up on all fours and crawled over him, bringing her face level with his. “I’m sure I have tasted worse. Sauerkraut, for one.”
He laughed and pulled her mouth down on his. When the kiss came to an end, he opened his trousers and took out his penis. “Now mount me as you would a horse.”
Thanks to Memoirs, she knew what to do. Once she was astride him, she took his manhood in hand and guided it to the right place. Then, doing what she’d read, she lowered herself, taking his machine a little ways into her. Almost at once, and quite unexpectedly, her vagina started to burn something awful.
Mustering her courage, she bore down, stopping again when she felt stretched to her limits. “Are you sure it will fit?”
“I’m hardly Priapus,” he replied with a laugh.
You could have fooled me. “Does it hurt you, too?”
His eyes were full of concern. “Louisa, if you would rather not continue, you need only say so.”
Her tears made her feel silly, pathetic, and weak. With a sniff and a hard swallow, she said, “Nothing I read warned me of the pain.”
“Take heart, my love. It will not hurt the next time.” With an understanding smile, he slid a hand under her and circled her pleasure-point with his forefinger. “Perhaps this will help.”
Actually, it helped a great deal. The place where their bodies were joined still burned, but she could feel pleasure breaking through the pain. Then, she felt only the sweetness. An incredible lightness of being that seemed to lift her into the air.
She began to ride him hard. The way she rode Midnight over the fields and dales. The only way she achieved that glorious feeling of freedom.
And now, finally, she really was free.
She looked down at Theo, her heart full of love. At present, his eyes were closed, his features were contorted, and his front teeth were buried deep in his lower lip. In any other scenario, his expression would have alarmed her, but, in this one, it pleased her more than she could say.
She increased her speed, eager to take him to the same glorious place he’d taken her earlier with his mouth. When he got there, he gripped her hips and attempted to unseat her, crying, “Get off! G
et off.”
Then, his commands dissolved into strangled cries and she felt the pulsations of his climax inside her. Too late, she realized why he’d encouraged her to dismount.
“Oh, Theo. I’m so sorry. And so stupid. Do you think you might have put a child in me? Not that it matters, I suppose, since we will be wed within a few days.”
“True.” He regarded her through hooded, glassy eyes. “Though I had hoped to wait at least a year before starting a family.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Any particular reason?”
“Only a very selfish one.” He offered a smile that would have liquefied her bones had they not already melted. “I wanted more time to get to know you before we became parents.”
“Well, I, for one, am satisfied.” She bent and kissed his lips. “Because I learned something of great import today.”
“And what, pray, would that be?”
She grinned at him teasingly. “You are able-bodied in the ways that count.”
Fifteen
Theo and Louisa were heading back toward Much Wenlock now, he with his arm around her shoulders, she nestled against his chest with a comfortable intimacy he found exceedingly agreeable. As they rolled along, he bent to kiss her hair, which looked a fright after their antics in the meadow. He had no regrets about what they’d done—even if he’d made her pregnant.
For all would come to rights tomorrow when they ran away to Scotland together.
“Rather than drop you home directly,” he said, turning his mind to more immediate concerns, “I think it would be safer to stop at Greystone first. That way, you can tidy your hair and clothes before you go home. I also think it would be better if Winnie went with you and I stayed behind—in case the carriage is observed when you arrive. It will also allow me more time to prepare for our journey, which, I should warn you, will be a long and arduous one over very poor roads.”
“I agree with you.” She looked up at him with love and trust in her eyes. “We must not take unnecessary chances when we are so close to the goal.”