“So, I know your birthday isn’t until tomorrow, and that’s when you’ll be receiving your official gift, but I wanted to give you something tonight anyway.”
He hands me the small present, and I can’t help noticing his slight uncertainty as I begin to unwrap it. After pulling away the wrapping, I’m delighted to find another one of Jess’s famous mixtapes.
Of all the gifts I’ve ever received, these have always meant the most. I quickly open the case and pull out the mixtape. “Eleanor’s Magic Mix,” I read aloud off the CD with a smile as I gaze up at Jess.
He’s watching me anxiously as I go through the track listing. “‘Eleanor Rigby’ by the Beatles, ‘Do You Realize’ by the Flaming Lips, ‘Resolution’ by Matt Corby, ‘Maps’ by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, again.” I laugh, then swallow the lump forming in my throat. I take a breath and continue. “‘All I’ve Ever Needed’ by Paul McDonald and Nikki Reed. ‘Always In My Head’ by Coldplay.” I pause, looking up at Jess. “All of these songs seem to have a lot in common,” I say breathlessly.
“You and me, Els. It’s all about us, about you.” He motions back to the mixtape. “Especially the last one.”
I quickly skip to track nineteen, “All I Want Is You” by U2. If it’s possible, my heart has just exploded. In this moment, everything is right for once. The outside world is just noise we don’t want or need to hear.
I lean forward and place the softest kiss upon his lips, then pull away. “Thank you,” I whisper as I crawl into his lap and nuzzle my head into his shoulder. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer to him, not once letting go.
Our embrace tells the words we’re not yet ready to say, words that instead of speaking, Jess has told me through songs. And there’s no other way I would have liked to hear them.
Our tender moment is suddenly interrupted by the opening of my bedroom door.
“Now, I know I didn’t go to all the effort of throwing you a party just so you two could spend the night in here.” Viv has a knowing smile on her face, so I know she isn’t actually mad, but Jess and I quickly get up so we don’t push our luck.
The party is going full speed ahead, with celebratory birthday shots and a killer playlist that I’m told was made by Jess.
As I wait for Jess to get us drinks, Viv frolics over and spins me around. “Now this is a quality party.” She giggles as her golden-blonde curls bounce along to the music.
“Well, I can’t thank you enough for it.”
“It wasn’t just me, you know,” Viv says as she slowly stops dancing to the music, eyeing all the guests. “Jess had a huge hand in it too. He was running a tight ship, making sure this day was perfect. It was kinda scary, actually. He gave me a run for my money!” Her laugh is contagious, and I can’t help but giggle. Jess Parker does not seem like a party planner.
“It all almost makes me forget how crap the past few days have been. I mean, his distance makes a lot more sense, but he was still pretty moody up until today. I just can’t pinpoint the sudden change. Lord knows the cause.” Viv gives me a sympathetic look and pulls me into a hug.
“We can worry about all that tomorrow, Ellie. But right now, let’s just live a little!” Viv pulls me into the center of our makeshift dance floor and begins twirling me around, disregarding the people we’re bumping into. We both let loose and move along to the music, momentarily forgetting all our worries.
After more than our fair share of songs, we decide to find the boys and our drinks.
“Don’t come back on our account! We were having a pretty good time watching the two of you bust those moves,” Will teases as we approach them in the corner. Viv playfully shoves him as I down the vodka cranberry Jess has just passed me.
Viv manages to pull Will back onto the dance floor, so it’s just the two of us.
“Thanks,” I say as I hand him the empty cup.
“What, that’s all I’m good for?” he says as he takes the cup.
“Oh, but baby, you’re good for so much more than that. Who else do I have to make me amazing mixtapes?” I tease as I wrap my hands around his neck.
“I can show you other things I’m good for,” he says huskily as he eyes my bedroom.
I can feel the flush creeping up my body, and I seriously consider taking Jess up on his offer. Too bad Viv would probably crazy murder me if I did.
“As much as I’d love that, I don’t think it would—” I cut myself off because what I’m seeing right now can’t be real. An all-smiles Anna has just entered my apartment and is affectionately waving at Jess.
I take my gaze off of her and turn back to Jess, who’s looking at me with equal amounts of nervousness and hesitancy.
“Did you invite her?” I snap, unable to hide my anger. I pull myself out of Jess’s embrace and take a step back, then steady myself on the couch. Suddenly, that vodka cranberry I downed doesn’t seem as though it was such a good idea.
“Els,” he says, taking a step toward me, “I ran into her today on the street, and we got to talking. I may have mentioned tonight, but I never expected her to come.”
I can tell he’s trying to keep his voice balanced, but his fear of my reaction is clear.
“You ran into her on the street? You got to talking? What the hell, Jess!” I don’t even bother trying to hide the hurt and anger in my voice. He tries to take a step toward me, but I pull away from him.
“Els, this really isn’t a big deal. Don’t let it ruin your night.”
I’m floored. This isn’t the Jess Parker I know. Or is this just another side of him I’m only witnessing now?
“Not a big deal? Jess, you’ve been moody since we ran into her at Collette’s, and suddenly today you’re back to your old self. The same day you two apparently talked and you went from hating her to what, loving her again?” Jess flinches at my accusation, and I know it probably isn’t true, but I can’t help it.
“You know that isn’t true, Eleanor,” he says. He tries to stay calm, but I can hear the frustration creeping into his voice.
“The fact that you don’t see how this is a huge deal is a huge deal in and of itself. How would you feel if I’d invited Dylan Scott over tonight after hanging out with him today?”
Jess’s face drops, and I can tell I’ve struck a chord.
“Jesus, Jess. I mean, you won’t even talk about her to me. I know nothing about her. All I know is that she’s the reason you’ve been so upset this whole week and no matter what I did, you never cheered up. But suddenly you run into Anna and everything is just fine. How do you think that makes me feel?” There’s no longer anger in my voice, only hurt. The gravity of my confession is written all over Jess’s face, and it’s clear he’s starting to get it. Too bad it’s too little too late.
“The last thing I wanted to do tonight was fight, but I don’t know how we can be in a relationship if you insist on keeping this from me. I’ve told you things Viv doesn’t even know, yet you can’t find it in yourself to tell me about an ex-girlfriend?”
I push past him in defeat, unable to keep talking for fear the tears I’ve kept down for the past six years will make an appearance.
Shit like this is why I hate my birthday.
Maybe walking out of my own surprise party wasn’t the best idea, but I couldn’t stay there a second longer. As I pound the quiet pavements of Cambridge, in no specific direction, I struggle to keep a lid on where my thoughts keep wandering off to. Just thinking about the whole situation makes my blood boil.
In what world would Jess think it’s okay to invite her here tonight?
Especially after the way she’s treated me these past few weeks. He’s supposed to be the one person who gets it, who understands how hard it was for me to let him in initially.
Then he goes and does this? And on my birthday of all days. I honestly have no clue as to what’s going on in his head, and he isn’t giving me the opportunity to even find out.
But the worst part of it all is that he didn’t come after me.
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Letting out a frustrated sigh, I kick the nearest trash can, scuffing my black leather boot.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!
Being twenty-one isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
The icy chill in the air is starting to get to me, as it’s past midnight in Massachusetts in November. And I’m the idiot who forgot her coat when she stormed out. I’m also the idiot who was too proud to go back in and get it.
I don’t even have my cell phone. I know Jess is probably worried at this point, but I just need more time to cool off. Talking with Jess right now would only make matters so much worse, and it doesn’t seem as though either of us wants to admit to having any fault.
I’m thanking my lucky stars right about now for the fact I have my credit card in my back pocket still from today’s pampering adventures.
Wrapping my arms around myself in an attempt to fight off more goose bumps, I begin walking to the only place I know is still open.
Twenty minutes later and with a strong chance of having a horrific cold tomorrow, I walk up to the place I know will serve me a hot plate of comfort.
Dina’s.
Or as the sign still says, D na’s. I can’t help but chuckle as I walk past the sign and pull open the door.
The relaxed ambience of Dina’s fills me with relief as I seat myself in a corner booth, my back facing the door, although I can’t say the seclusion brings any comfort. My old self took comfort in being alone, with the knowledge that isolation was the only way to avoid pain.
But if I’ve realized anything over the past few months, it’s that isolation is just a weak way to postpone the inevitable.
Looking up at the vintage clock above the counter, I see I’ve been walking for over an hour, and it’s past one a.m. If I’m lucky, I should have one or two hours of solace before Dina’s is filled with drunken students looking to fill the holes in their stomachs with fried food.
“Penny for your thoughts?” I tilt my head up at the familiar voice and stare into the wise eyes of Dorothy. Her now pale-purple hair brings a smile to my face, as does the chocolate milk shake in her hand.
“Looks like someone isn’t having the best night,” she says sympathetically as she sets down the shake in front of me.
“I’ve had better ones, but this,” I say, motioning to the shake, “will definitely make it a whole lot better.”
She gives me a warm smile as she squeezes my shoulder, then turns to go back to her other customers.
“Oh, and Eleanor,” she says over her shoulder before turning away. “Happy birthday, sweetheart.”
Even though I’m almost positive I didn’t tell her it’s my birthday, I smile down at my milk shake. I realize that it’s now officially my birthday, November twenty-second. And besides the debacle that was tonight, the months and weeks leading up to this day have been pretty damn good. The best, I would even say.
“Is this seat taken?” I don’t need to look up to know Jess Parker has somehow managed to find me in my hiding spot.
He takes my silence as a yes and slides into the booth in front of me while I stare into my shake as if it holds all the answers to life.
If only life were that easy.
“I’ve been looking for you for nearly two hours,” he says, sounding defeated. “Jesus, Eleanor, you didn’t even take your phone or you coat. It’s below freezing out here.” His tone isn’t mad; rather, it’s sad and unsure.
“I didn’t really have time to get my coat, with your ex-girlfriend being in my apartment uninvited and all,” I finally say, and in no welcoming tone. “Oh, wait, she was invited. By you.” My voice is dripping with betrayal, and I know it doesn’t go unnoticed as Jess flinches at my words.
He lets out a sigh and runs his hands through his hair, as he always does when he’s frustrated.
“I met Anna when I was fourteen. She’d just moved from New York with her parents freshman year. It wasn’t long before we started dating and fell in love.” He pauses to look up at me, but I keep my head down and focus on the plastic table. It’s hard enough to hear about someone he used to be in love with, but the fact that that someone is Anna makes it all so much worse.
“For all four years of high school, we were inseparable. Voted most likely to be together forever, prom king and queen, the whole deal. We were that couple. We were each other’s first everything,” he says in a pained voice. As if sensing the hurt his words are causing me, he reaches forward and grabs my hand.
“Jesus, Els, are you sure you want to know this?”
I nod, still looking down, but pull my hand away. Not out of anger, but simply because I don’t know if I’m currently strong enough to stay mad at him, and I know that if he touches me, all will be out the window.
“We’d decided to go to the same college, Breslin. It was close to our families, and it had an incredible hockey program for me and a great business school for her. A month before we were supposed to start, she called me and said she was deferring a semester to go to an internship in New York. Her parents had just moved back there, and she thought it would be a good idea to be with them for a few more months.” He pauses, running a hand through his hair and taking a deep breath.
“I didn’t think anything of it at the time. We agreed to do the whole long-distance thing, but as the months went on, I started hearing from her less and less. Then finally, in November of my freshman year, she called me and ended it. Ended a four-year relationship out of the blue. Claimed she missed New York and didn’t want to miss out on all the opportunities there.”
“Jesus,” I say under my breath.
“Yeah.” Jess shrugs. “So anyway, that’s when I started making up for what I lost in high school. I hadn’t ever realized how much I missed out on in that four-year relationship with Anna. For the past few years, the last thing I ever wanted was a relationship, Eleanor. I wanted casual, easy. But then you came along, and it was like I was breathing for the first time in my life. It wasn’t anything like what I had with Anna. What Anna and I had was young love, it was comfortable and easy. With you, I couldn’t predict your next move; you constantly surprised me..”
I look up at Jess, no longer able to pretend the table holds any real fascination. The warmth behind his eyes is genuine, and I don’t pull away when he grabs my hand again.
“I just had to know you somehow. I couldn’t believe I had gone two years without seeing you before. And then when you compared me to Mr. Rochester, I knew I was screwed. One way or another I needed you in my life. And once you made it clear a relationship was off the table, I convinced myself that I could settle for friendship. And we both know how that turned out.”
I laugh at his brazen honesty and hold his hand tighter while his words fill up any void that was previously there.
“Seeing Anna earlier this week caught me by complete surprise. After she ended our relationship over the phone, I cut off all contact. I distanced myself from everyone I went to school with and ignored all her calls. Seeing her with you was the first time I’d seen her in two years, and it freaked me out. My first girlfriend meeting my second, and especially the fact that she’d been such a bitch to you… I was so mad at her, Els, and I stupidly took it out on you.
“When I ran into her today, I realized there was no point in being angry anymore. I realized I had moved on, and the feelings that I once had for her were no more. All I thought about was you and how I couldn’t stand the fact that she was obviously taking out her anger toward me on you. So I told her that if she had come back for me, she was wasting her time because my heart is taken by another. She said she understood and would back off. That’s when I casually mentioned the party, and—”
I tune him out. I see his lips still moving, but I can’t manage to hear another word he’s saying. I’m still stuck on his previous sentence.
His heart is claimed by someone else?
All of the air leaves my lungs, and I struggle to even form a coherent thought. I mean, I had been told that he might b
e in love with me, but is this him telling me without actually telling me? My body feels as if I’ve just won the emotional lottery, and all I want is to say it back to him, even though he hasn’t actually said it to me yet. But yet again, the events of today stop me. Not because I’m still mad at him, but because I need more time.
“Els? Earth to Eleanor?” Jess nudges me with his knee under the table to bring me back down to earth. I must have my jaw on the floor, because he’s chuckling under his breath.
“So I’m guessing you caught that,” he says, not in the least bit embarrassed. “Eleanor Ivy, this isn’t me telling you I’m in love with you.”
My heart sinks and I mentally chastise myself for thinking this moment is something other than what it is. Seeing the look of uncertainty and probably disappointment too, he puts a hand up to silence my thoughts.
God, I hate that he knows me so well.
“Put your mind on pause for a second, Els. Just because I’m not saying it right now doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Because Jesus Christ, is it true. I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life. But right now, this isn’t the right time for you to hear it. And I don’t want you to feel for one second you have to say it back.”
Still too dumbstruck for words, I watch him give me a reassuring smile. “I get that you aren’t ready, and it’s not that I doubt you feel the same way, but tonight isn’t the night for you to say it. I get it, Els.”
Staring into those captivating hazel eyes, I know for certain I’m in love with Jess Parker, but just like he said, I’m not ready to say it yet. So instead, I give him my second best.
“Thank you,” I whisper as I slide out of my booth and into his side, then pull him close. He breaks into a warm smile, and I bury my face into his neck. I’m not just thanking him for saying it; I’m thanking him for letting me experience what it feels like to be loved again, what it feels like to love. Most of all, I’m thanking him for completely and utterly understanding me. Thanking him for realizing I need time, even though he already knows that I do indeed love him.
Brief Encounters_The Encounters Series Page 22