Chapter 11
May 1863
Dear Diary,
It has been so long since I have written, but I feel like I have not had the words to share. I have now been a widow for a month and the pain worsens every day. With each step of the oxen, I could feel myself getting further and further from Bradley and it is as though my heart left my body and was attempting to return to him.
The last month of the wagon journey was far more difficult than the first two. My body ached from having to stay on the bench and drive the team rather than walking and at night I would cry myself to sleep before lying alone in the wagon the rest of the night. I am grateful that I was able to keep the wagon I shared with Bradley. I could not have left all of our belongings behind as well as him.
I am also grateful that the journey went quickly and we were able to arrive in Bannack after only three months of travel. I heard that some trains take four or more to come this far. I cannot even imagine still being on the road for several more weeks. Right now, I feel as though I never want to climb into a wagon again.
Perhaps you missed what I just wrote, Diary, so I will go back and explain it further. I am officially in Bannack, Montana. Well, I suppose Tessa Sharp is. I do not know where I am. Perhaps I am lost forever. I miss Bradley so deeply it is as if I cannot breathe. The pain is worse than anything I could have imagined. I fear I will never recover.
I am writing to you from a beautiful hotel room. If I was not so sad I believe it would strike me as funny that I wrote to you about starting this journey from a hotel and I am writing about it ending from one as well. This room is in the hotel that belongs to Aaron Miller. He met me, thinking of course that he was meeting Tessa, when the wagons arrived, just as he promised.
He held a small sign that said "Tessa" on it, or I would not have known who to look for. When I approached him, I was horribly conflicted. Part of me was terrified that Tessa had sent him a photograph in one of her letters and that he would know immediately that I was not her. The other part of me hoped that this was the case so that the charade could end and I could release my guilt.
She had not, however, sent a picture and he had no reason to think I was anyone but who I introduced myself as…his intended bride. He is a very kind man and seems so hopeful about our future together –his future with Tessa. How am I going to do this, Diary? How do I spend my life pretending to be someone else? Especially when that someone else is an intended bride when I feel I will never marry again?
Hannah…I think
Chapter 12
I heard a soft knock on my door and I closed my diary, placing another book atop it to protect it from prying eyes.
"Come in," I called.
Aaron stepped inside the room and smiled at me gently.
"Would you like to come down for breakfast with me?" he asked.
I had been in Bannack for several days, but I had spent almost all of that time in the room that he had put aside for me after giving me tremendous relief by telling me that he didn't think we should marry until we had gotten to know each other better. During those days, I had been able to explain away my withdrawal as lingering motion sickness from the travels and mourning my father.
At least that was nearly not a lie. I did find myself mourning for Tessa's father, a man who I had never met and whose name I didn't even know, but who I felt so bad for it was impossible not to grieve. From what little information I could gather from Aaron's letters, Tessa's father had lost his wife and all of his other children very recently. He was a man who had had everything taken away from him, felt brave enough to face the challenges of the wagon journey to the Frontier, and forged ahead with his only surviving daughter at his side, only to die a miserable death by the side of the road.
I likely could have begged off of another meal with him and requested, as I had for days, that food be sent up to my room, but I felt like I had reached the end of that pretend. There was going to come a time when I had to step outside of the room and face what I had created for myself. I decided then that it might as well be that morning.
"I would like that," I told him, trying to smile, "Thank you."
Aaron's face lit up and he offered his arm. I stood, checked again to make sure that my diary was covered, and crossed the room to take his arm so that he could guide me down the stairs to the hotel restaurant. It struck me as strange that he, the owner of the hotel, would sit out in the hotel like the guests, but that is what he told me that he did every morning. He said that it made him feel more connected with the people who came to stay with him and allowed him to see things more clearly so he knew when he needed to change or improve something.
Hearing that had made me admire Aaron. He looked far younger than I would have anticipated, but he was confident and strong. I sat down on the opposite side of the table and almost unconsciously reached for the newspaper in front of me.
It was a small paper, nothing like the ones at home, but it was something new to read and a way to find out about what was going on in the brand new world around me. I had read most of it when I looked up at Aaron and saw him staring at me, looking slightly stunned.
"Is everything alright?" I asked.
"Yes, absolutely. I just never met a woman before who seemed so eager to read a newspaper."
"Do you mean you have never met a woman before who could read one?"
I meant it both teasingly and with seriousness. He was not the first man to be surprised at not only my ability to read, but my love for it. I allowed myself the smallest of smiles when I saw the startled expression on his face.
"No," he said quickly, "I assumed that you could read. After all, we have been exchanging letters. I only meant that…"
"It's alright," I said, trying to calm him, "My father insisted on teaching me when I was younger as much as he taught my brothers. I developed a love for reading that I am afraid never extended to baseball."
He looked even more startled and confused and I laughed. Realizing that I was teasing him, Aaron finally relaxed and joined my laughter.
"So, what is in the news today?" he asked.
"Well," I said, glancing back down at the paper, "It seems that Bannack has a new sheriff. Henry Plummer."
My mind immediately went to Henry, the young man who had buried my husband and who had continued on with his father and the rest of the wagon train after I diverted to Montana with just one other wagon.
"Oh, yes," Aaron said, "That is the big goings-on around here these days. I've heard some whispers that he is not the most savory of characters, but he says that he is reputable and only wants what is good for the town of Bannack. He hasn't done anything yet to prove otherwise, so I suppose I will give him the benefit of the doubt."
Chapter 13
June 1863
Dear Diary,
What am I to do, Diary? I feel so guilty I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror in the morning. How can I continue to lie about who I am? Aaron is such a kind man. He has done nothing but welcome me and do his best to make me feel comfortable and happy here, and yet each time I am with him I am lying to him with every breath.
He asked me a question about my past – Tessa's past – yesterday and I had nothing to tell him. I did not want to come up with another lie, so I told him that I did not want to talk about my family, that it hurt too much. The way he looked at me when I said that made it seem like wanted to say something else, but he did not.
I cannot take this anymore. I need to tell him the truth. It is up to him how he will move forward, but for me I cannot keep doing this. I pray for strength and protection and that the Lord may give me the words to say that I may get through this without hurting Aaron any worse than I already have.
Hannah
Chapter 14
"Good morning, Tessa!" Aaron said brightly and I felt the familiar clench of pain in my chest as the guilt took me over afresh.
"Aaron," I said softly, approaching the desk in the lobby where he stood so he could greet new
guests as they came in, "May we speak?"
He smiled at me and nodded.
"Of course. I was hoping that you would come down today. I planned something for us."
I had been in Bannack for just over three weeks and only once had I left the hotel. I didn't know what he could have planned, but it made me nervous. I had just built myself up to feeling ready to tell him the truth. I didn't know how I would handle getting through that with as little hurt as possible now that he had gone through the trouble of planning something for us to do together.
He smiled at me again and I felt something strange. I realized that in the time we had spent together, though it had only been eating breakfast together in the morning, drinking tea in the afternoons, and spending a few quiet evenings in front of the fire reading, I had developed a sense of friendship with Aaron. That realization made it even more difficult to think about my impending confession.
"Wait here for just a moment," he said and I watched him rush across the lobby toward the restaurant.
A few seconds later he emerged carrying a large picnic basket along with a quilt draped carefully over one arm. My heart surprised me by fluttering slightly and I glanced away from Aaron to gather my thoughts. I hadn't prepared myself to feel anything for this man, especially not the glimmer of happiness that he brought me, and it was making my chest ache and my stomach turn.
I followed Aaron out of the hotel and into the small carriage that awaited us. It felt strange sitting in the seat behind him while he led the horses, but I suppose it would have been even stranger to have a driver come along with us for our picnic. Would we invite him to join us, or would he sit at the carriage and pretend not to listen in on our conversation until we were ready to leave?
I felt myself laugh softly at the thought in spite of the continued nervousness building inside me and suddenly the carriage stopped. I didn't realize how long we had been traveling, but when I glanced out of the carriage all I saw was the rolling prairie and no sign of the hotel.
Aaron climbed down from the bench and came around to the side of the carriage to help me down. He held my fingers for a few seconds as he led me away from the carriage, but dropped them just short of me feeling like he was holding my hand. I wasn't sure if it was disappointment or relief that went through me when my hand lowered to my side, and by the time he had spread out the quilt and placed the picnic basket on it, I knew that I had run out of time.
"Aaron," I started as he gestured for me to sit, "I really need to talk to you."
"Please, sit. Let's have lunch."
I lowered myself to the quilt and met his eyes. He looked at me with an expression of such openness and honesty I felt my heart squeeze like it was going to break. I hated the idea of hurting him. He had been nothing but kind to me and I knew that he was going to be so disappointed, and possibly angry, with me.
"Before we start, I really feel that I should tell you what I've been meaning to say."
Aaron lowered his hand from where he had been opening the basket.
"What is it, Tessa?"
I glanced down and then back at him.
"That's just it, Aaron. I'm not Tessa."
"What do you mean?" he asked evenly, not expressing any emotion yet.
"I'm not Tessa. I have only been pretending to be her because it was the only way to stay on the wagon train after…" I hesitated, then surged forward, "my husband died. I found Tessa's wagon and she and her father had both died. I saw her holding your letters and I read them trying to figure out who she was. When the second train came and asked who I was, I didn't know what else to say. I knew that they wouldn’t let me travel alone if they knew that I had just been widowed and had nowhere to go to, but if they thought that I was traveling to marry, perhaps they would let me continue. I truly never meant to hurt you and I am so, so sorry."
The words poured out of me and suddenly the tears came with them, stinging on my cheeks and salty against my lips as I tried to explain what I had gone through on the journey toward Bannack. Aaron held up his hand as if to stop me, but I couldn’t stop the flow of words tumbling from my mouth like they had been waiting there to say to him.
Finally, he reached out and grabbed me by my shoulders. The sudden gesture startled me into silence and I looked up at him staring directly into my eyes. His hands eased away from my shoulders slowly as if he worried that when he released me I would just start talking again. When I didn't, he nodded.
"What is your name?"
"Hannah," I said softly, almost like it was a breath draining from my lungs.
"Hannah," he repeated, "I already knew."
The admission shocked me and I felt my mouth fall open slightly.
"What?"
"I already knew you weren't Tessa Sharp. I've just been waiting for you to tell me."
"How did you know?"
He gestured at my hand rested on my lap.
"The prairie sun isn't gentle on hands and I can see the line where you once wore a wedding band. I noticed it the day you arrived."
I pulled my hand closer to me, protectively covering the fading mark on my finger where the sun had darkened my skin but let the area under my wedding band pale.
"I don't understand. If you've known the whole time that I have been in Bannack with you, why didn't you say anything? Why did you just let me continue to pretend to be Tessa?"
He gave a soft, slightly sad smile.
"I knew that if you were pretending to be her, that something horrible must have happened, and if tragedy struck her, it likely touched you as well. Anyone willing to take on someone else's life must be going through something very serious. I knew that you would tell me in your own time, when you were ready for me to know you as who you are."
I let out a long sigh. Somehow his gentleness and confession that he had known all along that I was not his intended bride made me feel even guiltier.
"I am so sorry, Aaron. Can you ever forgive me?"
"No forgiveness is needed from me," he told me, "I pray for forgiveness for myself every day and every night. If the Lord can answer those prayers, who am I to even think that I may be worthy of giving someone else forgiveness?"
"But I lied to you. I pretended to be someone you loved."
"You did lie to me, and that hurts me, but I will not hold it against you. As for loving Tessa…" he paused as if searching for words, "I was fond of receiving letters from her and I liked the idea of having a wife in Bannack with me. I didn't love her. How could I love someone who I had never even seen?"
Chapter 15
July 1863
Dear Diary,
I have been neglecting you again, Diary, but I have been so lost in my own thoughts I have not even known what was going to go through my mind in the next moment, much less how to write it down. It has been two weeks since my picnic with Aaron where I confessed my deception and he accepted me without question. Since then I have prayed for forgiveness and for the strength and courage to know what to do next.
Though I expected him to find a way to send me back East as soon as he found out who I was, Aaron has not waivered for a moment in our friendship. I have remained comfortably in my room in the hotel and now the he knows who I really am, it seems that we are growing even closer. I have begun helping around the hotel to fill my days and I find comfort in talking with him.
He does not seem to mourn Tessa, but there have been times when he has mentioned having a wife some day and he seems sad. I pray that he will find the type of love that he deserves, the type of love that he gives out to the world.
He has asked me to attend the Independence Day social with him tomorrow. Is it strange that I am nervous? I see him every day, but there is something different about attending an event with him. Am I ready to do this, Diary?
Hannah
Chapter 16
Dear Bradley,
Oh, my love, how I miss you. It has been four months now that I have been without you and I still think of you every day. A new wagon trai
n arrived today. I suspect it will be the last, though that is what I thought of the one that brought me to Bannack, so I suppose I do not really know. Many of the people on the train fell ill while traveling and one woman has been brought to the clinic for care.
It broke my heart all over again to see her carried inside, so pale and limp. I could only think of you and the last moments that I spent with you. I wonder what you think of me now as you watch me from your place in Heaven. Can you see what I am going through?
I fear that you are disappointed in my decision to come here and how I chose to do it. I know that you can see my heart and I fear even more that you are hurt by what is growing inside it. I never believed my heart would soften again, but I feel that it is. Please know that I love you, my darling, and that I will never stop. Guide me. Be my angel and show me what direction has been laid out for me.
All my love,
Hannah
Chapter 17
The summer left Bannack so quickly it was as though I had blinked and it was gone. It brought with it memories of the Independence Day social I had spent with Aaron, the courteous way he spoke to me and the gentle way he held me as we danced. I could feel people watching us, trying to understand what was happening. I only hoped that they would tell me.
After the social I felt more confident leaving the hotel and spending more time roaming Bannack. I met a woman named Caroline who had come to Bannack to marry. She was kind, but spirited and seemed to be holding onto a bitterness that I didn't quite understand. Soon after that we met another bride, Emily, who had married the owner of the grocery store.
It suddenly seemed I had stepped into a life in Bannack. I had friends to share my time with, places to visit during the day, and a comfortable place to call home, despite being a hotel room. As September started to fade, however, I realized that there was something dearly missing in my life. I had gone from feeling civil with Aaron, to comfortable, to happy, and now to wanting to see him when he was not around.
Brides of Grasshopper Creek Page 3