by Mykle Hansen
Yes, yes sir? Um ... sir? Hang ... hang on a second sir. Sir? Listen. Hey! Listen! I am a professional circus freak, and Bowser here is a veteran of over one hundred such stunts, and I assure you I would not be up here, today, doing this trick for your benefit, for your amusement, if I thought there was any risk of injury or harm to this dog. Why I’ve know Barky here all his, all her life. Fixed her myself. Please folks, just trust me. I won’t steer you wrong. Now, I need two people, you there, and you? Ma’am? Yes, come right on up here, no danger, now, you put this black wire in your mouth. Okay? Thank you. And you sir, put this red wire in your mouth. Okay? Bite down a little? Thanks. Now, the two of you should under no circumstances touch each other until I give the signal. What’s going to happen is, the dog is going to run out of traffic, back towards the stick, and the stick is going to be chased by the asps, and they’re all going to run towards that fence over there, which as you can see if you look over at that set of equipment over there, yes folks, this is an electrified fence. Now, I need one more volunteer to operate the garden hose. Any takers? Anybody? I can’t do it myself, I’m throwing the dog. You sir, can you ... a question. Ah. I see. You have a question. Okay, please sir, tell me, what is your question this time? Yes? Hmm. How does the stick run? That’s your question: How Does The Stick Run? Okay here’s your answer sir: IT’S A FUCKING MAGIC TRICK ISN’T IT? Now would you SHUT FUCKING UP and take this HOSE here and DO what I SAY or do I have to throw this DOG at you? Hey! Come back here! You, buddy, asp guy, go tell that guy to come back here. Hey wait! Don’t drop those snakes, they’re sensitive! Hey lady, who said you could take that wire out? Oh come on! We’re almost ready to start? Don’t you people care about magic? How can you disappoint such a cute little doggie? Look! Cute little doggie! Come Back! Please! Cute happy doggie wants to play with you! Hey! Come back here! Hey!
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Due to restrictions that are largely legal rather than ethical, we cannot promise that spending your hard-won dollars on our MSL products will in any way improve or enhance the quality of your life, your health, or your financial fortitude. It does in fact seem that spending your hard-won dollars on frivolous entertainment crap such as we sell will do the exact opposite of at least one of those things. However, we can and will say this: that MSL products are GUARANTEED FOR LIFE, whatever that means, and that MSL products are 73% MORE GREASE-LIFTING or STYLE-CONSCIOUS or something than some other thing, measured in some way that we will insinuate is meaningful, so that maybe you will think that we stand behind our products, or that we employ some team of scientists who are able to measure units of grease-liftingness in their test tubes and therefore able to magic-scientifically enhance our products in some way that you don’t at all understand but still believe to be good and important. If you are the type of person who falls for this sort of thing — really, we are constantly amazed how many of you there are — then it is likely that we will end up with some of your money. So of course, yeah, we’ll say that. We’ll say anything. We also can and will insert normal human grunting noises like YO! and UH-HUH! and BABY! and MMMM! into our advertisements such that maybe some time soon when you’re not consuming entertainment and your bullshit detector is off-line and your shields are down, you’ll grunt in one of these normal human ways and simultaneously be reminded of this very MSL advertisement, but probably not remember why exactly, and maybe you will confuse this unbidden leaping-into-your-mind of our advertisement, this conditioned response that we are teaching you, MMMM!, maybe you will confuse this with some deep inner desire or interest of your own, that you don’t fully understand but hope will maybe cheer you up if you act upon it. If you don’t know yourself enough to tell the difference between your own ideas and desires and the ones we plant in you — and who does know themselves that well, really — then the odds are good that you will mistakenly give us some more of your money. Ha ha. We also can, and will, simply command you to: ORDER NOW!, to BUY TODAY!, to DON’T DELAY!, to just DO IT!, because some of you out there are actually pretty suggestible, we’ve found, you are either really gullible or not completely well in the head — it’s amazing how many of you there are — and these voices that shout at you from the advertising stream seem real and compelling and somewhat threatening, and therefore you will actually BUY TODAY! either out of terror of psychic retribution or simply because somewhere along the line you learned to follow orders. And so some more of your money will be ours. We win, you lose. Also, we can and will introduce slogans, totally meaningless but strangely memorable statements such as: MSL: MANUFACTURED WITH PRIDE BY AMERICANS WHO CARE, or: MSL: BECAUSE IT’S SOME STUFF, or SWIM LARGE WITH MSL, and even if almost all of these slogans seem really stupid and pointless to you — they sure do seem that way to us — still someday one of them will resonate idiosyncratically with the trivia in your mental attic, and boom, we’re in there, MSL, and from then on you will smile and chuckle when you hear the slogan repeated in any of our many, many advertisements, and you will decide that down there at MSL there must be at least one person who is like you, and who isn’t all bad. Which just isn’t true. We are not like you, and we are all bad, and we spend all day in our nice offices eating really nice food and thinking up newer, cleverer ways of lying to you, confusing you, occupying your thoughts and the space between your thoughts, cultivating in you obsession with us, distracting you from seeing what we’re doing, controlling you and taking away all your money. Because that’s what advertising is. And we’re really, really good at it. We’re so good at it that we’re even telling you all about how we do it because we know that there is a market segment of you, large and getting larger, that is trying to defend itself against our onslaught, and that a common defense mechanism you are trying to use is to reject, disbelieve and distrust any and all advertisements, to do the very opposite as much as possible and, paradoxically, to satisfy your deep human longing to trust others while playing out your contrarian strategy by embracing only those advertisements which boldly state: HERE IS A WHOLE PILE OF BAREFACED FLAT FUCKING EVIL STINKING LIES FROM MSL for you to make a game of pretending not to believe while believing, trusting, and obeying, so as to ameliorate the cruel knowledge that we have penetrated your feeble defense mechanism, you cannot escape, we still control you. So: BUY THE DAMN MSL CATALOG. Fill out the form. Send it to us, with the self-addressed stamped envelope and the money. Send it to:
MSL THOUGHT CONTROL PROJECT
5536 NE 27TH AVE
PORTLAND, OR 97211-6230
Don’t forget to send the money.
EYEHEART PERSONALS —
for the discriminating and lonely.
“AFTER I RAN MY AD IN EYEHEART, hundreds of strange men called me at home!” Call 431-6746 to place an ad.
ARE YOU EXPERIENCED? I’m not! SF 20-32, Jewish preferred, seeks same for etc.
ARE YOU SCRAWNY? Skinny? Weak? Austrian bodybuilder will taunt you severely. Arnold, box 11.
BAD PERSON SOUGHT by disciplinarian. Box 794. Please, no regrets.
BLONDE, WF, 24, brain surgeon, fluent in seven languages, seeks philosopher, 30-35, charming, insightful, sensitive, blonde. Respond to Shauna, Box 3607. Please, blondes only.
CUCUMBERS ARE SEXY but they can’t buy you lingerie. Men are hairy, but they fart in bed. What to do? Lonely AF seeks hunk to exploit, make fun of. Box 2399
DANCING THE TANGO, MADRAS cuisine, laughing at Conan O’Brien, drinking chicken soup through a straw — why do people do these things? 3578
DENTAL STUDENT SEEKS masochist for help with upcoming exams. $$$. Call Paul, box 3722
DESPERATELY LONELY, no friends, please talk me out of ending my pathetic life, especially if you are a SJF, physically fit, 23-27, a good listener, tall, have curly hair, like classical music, can appreciate sports and fine beers, enjoy housework, cooking, sexually voracious. Don, box 1107. Pls. incl. photo.
DISCIPLINE NEEDED by lazy, unproductive office workers. MBA preferred. Box 3722
DISCIPLINE SOUGHT by unruly teen. D
etention, grounding, suspension of allowance OK. No counseling! Greg, Box 1963.
DO YOU LIKE LONG walks, long talks, tall tales, big ideas, stiff competition, etc? Contact box 1017 for lengthy discussion.
DULL WM SEEKS INTERESTING, busty blond for topical fun. Contact box 3440
FORMER BLONDE, 45, GWM, seeks still-blonde GWM, 30-35, for transplants, dancing. Harold. Box 2954.
HOT BLONDE, 7, seeks wealthy, sophisticated older gentleman (10-12) for swings, ice cream, long walks, possible doctor. Include photo, pager number. Box 8821.
HUNGRY FOR LOVE? SWMC seeks SWFC for dinner, breakfast, maybe lunch. Respond box 2105.
I AM GOOD WITH CHILDREN. Please let me be good with yours. Buddy’s Day Care. See “Business Opportunities” next section. Oh boy!
I AM INCREDIBLY UGLY — photos available $5. send to Rudy, c/o Personals, or box 4364
I HAVE BEEN TRULY NAUGHTY, but I feel no remorse. Please help — box 2341.
I LOVE TO BE SAT ON by fat naked ladies. Otherwise I am pretty normal. Serious responses only to Box 2993.
“I MET THE MAN OF MY DREAMS in EYEHEART personals — I can no longer escape him by waking up!” Call 431-6746 to place an ad.
KNOCKOUT REDHEAD, 27, full figure, seeks generous, mature companion for money only. Brenda, Box 2400. Please include photo, $20 application fee.
LONG WALKS? I’M GAME! Fit AM, 27, seeks asphalt, spaniel, you. Box 1233, please include shoe size.
LONG WALKS — romantic? or compulsive? Informative videotape explains all! Cult Awareness Associates, Box 1709.
LONG WALKS sought by long-legged SF, 24. Stamina a must! Respond to box 2828.
LONG WALKS — why ask why? George, 3318.
MASOCHIST, 41, seeks sharp/hot objects for hurting self. Please forward to box 3688.
MASOCHIST seeks anaesthesiologist for experimental relationship. I will go deep if you will go slow. Alan, Box 1967
MASOCHIST seeks dental assistant or chiropractor for serious relationship. Massage therapists need not apply. Marge, Box 3091.
MASOCHIST sought by acupuncture student. Mutual arrangement, possible renum. Cy, Box 2772
NO WALK TOO LONG for this rugged 45-year-old BM. Can you keep up? Chad, Box 2424.
OH GOD YES OH GOD — Christian SWM seeks non-smoking WF, 30-45, busty, for platonic friendship only. Christ is the answer — are you the question? 4090, please include photo.
ONANISTS NEEDED — undergraduate thesis project — no payment, but possible TV appearance. Contact Brian at box 2282
ONANISTS REQUIRED by large marketing firm. You could be a star! Respond box 991
ONANISTS SOUGHT for major motion picture. Send portfolio with photo to Box 2988 for more information.
ONANISM — IS IT FOR you? Illustrated booklet reveals little-known facts. Send VISA/MC with exp. date to box 3077.
ONE-LEGGED 6’3” ALBINO male sports writer, Latvian, seeks same. 1004. Serious please.
ONE-OF-A-KIND GUY seeks 1-of-a-kind gal for 1-of-a-kind fun. Respond to Dave, Box 3381
ONE-OF-A-KIND GUY seeks 1-of-a-kind gal for 1-of-a-kind fun. Respond to Mike, Box 2390
ONE-OF-A-KIND GUY seeks 1-of-a-kind gal for 1-of-a-kind fun. Respond to Steve, Box 4029
ONE-OF-A-KIND, WF, 33, seeks intelligent, handsome WM artist, 25-35, for long walks, moonlight, the usual. Elaine. 3423.
SAFE SEX — GET PAID! Men! Eager ladies in your area will pay you for intimate services. Illegal? Degrading? One way to find out! Box 1779
SUBMISSIVE AM, 23, seeks submissive W/BF, 20-25, for clingy, codependent relationship. You call me — EYEHEART Box 2117
SUBMISSIVE WM, 35, seeks pain, injury, possible death at hands of WF 20-25, busty. Box 1104 for more info.
TWO BUSTY BLONDES sought by slob. Sex, possible cook/clean. Bruce — box 1918
UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL: WF, 32, one of a kind, seeks arty hunk for whirlwind romance. Laura, Box 2931
UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL, WF, 34, seeks hunky artist for fast times & fun. Loni, Box 1019
UNIQUE, INTERESTING WM, 29, seeks gorgeous intellectual WF, 20-30, for intellectual & erotic pursuits. Respond to Mike, Box 309
UNABLE TO SUPPRESS my strange craving for long walks. Please help! Karen, box 3883.
WEALTHY BLONDE seeks busty older man for mutual arrangement. Please respond to 2900
WEALTHY, MATURE, SPIRITUAL W/M, 57, looking for an affectionate companion to share good times, shower with adoration and gifts. Must be a good listener. Please send photo to Box 2388, John.
WEALTHY OLDER MAN seeks usual. Enrico, Box 2114.
WILL WORK FOR FOOD — please send job descriptions, food photo to Gus, EYEHEART Box 4661
X-RAY TECHNICIAN seeks masochist for experimental art project. Tattoos OK. Box 1663
X-RAY TECHNICIAN sought by curious, trusting masochist. No long walks! Nina, Box 1849
YOU: HOMELESS BM, 45-50, blue jacket, at park bench downtown. Me: handsome WM, 27, lawyer at prestigious firm, brown hair, blue eyes. Give me back my briefcase or I will sue! Larry, Box 2101
Fitness Goddess Grace Grimes
(read this one aloud)
Fitness Goddess Grace Grimes.
Fitness Goddess Grace Grimes.
Fitness Goddess Grace Grimes.
Fitness Goddess Grace Grimes.
Goodness Fatness Grace Groans.
Fatness Goodness Grease Grimes.
Gibbous Fibbous Gribb Globb.
Oootness Oddness Arse Arms.
Arse Arms Gobness Flabness.
Fartness Fatness Gobs Glum.
Fibness Flobness Garp Goo.
Arbness Ibness Oof Arf.
Fitnit Gobgib Grass Groans.
Goodness Godness Garf Glines.
Nicholas was reading the paper, back to front, the dangerous way, and he found the place where you send in the form to win either a) a free six-month membership in an exercise apparatus holding company or b) a free 1999 Aerobics & Fitness Calendar featuring full-page spreads of Fitness Goddess Grace Grimes. Fitness Goddess Grace Grimes, I asked? Yes, he replied, Fitness Goddess Grace Grimes, of www.gracegrimes.com, who is apparently a Fitness Goddess, which is a job description I didn’t know existed. The title Fitness Goddess means something a bit less than Porn Star, but a bit more than Aerobics Instructor. You can buy photographs and videotapes of Fitness Goddess Grace Grimes, in her revealing Fitness Goddess Outfit. They may improve your circulation, they may not. Or you can fill out the form to win the 1999 Aerobics & Fitness Calendar. Or you can just do what we do, and simply say her name over and over until you reach The Zone:
Fitness Goddess Grace Grimes.
Fitness Goddess Grace Grimes.
Fitness Goddess Grace Grimes versus Business Goddess Kate Kleen.
Business Goddess Kate Kleen versus Bigness Goddess Bruce Brine.
Bigness goddess Bruce Brine versus Ignatz Podless Grease Jones.
Ignatz Podless Grease Jones versus 1998 Mr. Leather of Washington.
1998 Mr. Leather of Washington versus the Clark County Boy Scout Choir.
The Clark County Boy Scout Choir versus Two Dozen Muscular Shaved Greased Men.
Two Dozen Muscular Shaved Greased Men versus Sixteen Asexual Fleshy Globs.
Sixteen Asexual Fleshy Globs versus Fitness Goddess Grace Grimes.
The Man Who Was Born Typing
Once there was a man who was born typing. It wasn’t easy on his mother, let me tell you, and the labor lasted thirty hours. Then out he popped, knibbling at the knobbles of a tiny bone-and-gristle Smith-Corona, and the placental sac was littered with tiny typed sheets of clear tissue. The doctors threw the sac away, but that was all right, because he kept on typing.
He kept typing as he teethed, as he suckled, through the acquisition of language, through the discovery of sex, he kept on typing, typing, typing, and when anybody ever asked him what he was typing he would reply “the story of my life.” By the time he was ten he had filled his family’s garage with neatly stacked pillars of typewritten p
ages. By the time he was fifteen they had to move to a larger house.
The man who always typed was too busy typing to spend time stuffing envelopes, filling out SASEs, reading rejection slips, so nobody published his work, and those friends and acquaintances who did read it found it interesting, but very weird and disorganized, and once or twice they even offered to help him with the organizing and the editing. But he wasn’t interested in re-typing, just typing, so he kept on typing and the stacks rose higher.
He went to college, where he wrote a lot of essays, and did well, and got into grad school and continued to type. The university published whatever he wrote, without really reading it, and they gloated over the volume of their chopped and bound output, so they kept him on. They wanted him to give lectures but he had no interest, so he’d go to the lecture hall, stand at the lectern and type, and then hand the sheets to a grad student who would read them out loud.
And eventually through sheer force of volume he got famous, a little, and some people decided they liked what he wrote, although they didn’t understand it, not at all, still, it was exotic. So they gave him tenure and an office, and young grad students would occasionally get sexually fixated on him and give him blowjobs as he typed, and he enjoyed them, but not enough to stop typing. And the consensus among those who knew him was that he was cold, distant, he never stopped typing when he talked to you and he never looked at you, even though he was an accomplished touch-typist. He’d just stare into the space in front of him, chin slightly raised, lips pursed in an expression of ecstasy. He was handsome really, but cold, and he had no friends except his bone-and-gristle Smith-Corona, his deformed twin. All day long he talked to it, and it talked back, and the clattering of its keys was like the chattering of old teeth.