by Mary Ramsey
Shauna squealed with delight. “You’re so awesome, Auntie Sara.”
Sara showed the slightest hint of a smile before turning to me. “Do you have any more special brownies?”
Sigh. “Bedroom, top drawer. But in exchange, you have to tell me what happened today.”
I watched as Sara tossed down the controller. She headed to my bedroom. Then, brownie in hand, Sara explained how much she hated Dr. Sanders. She was mad enough that she didn’t wait for Shauna to go do something else before letting it rip.
“She’ll pull up bloodwork for patients with thyroid cancer, liver or other digestive illnesses, and more often than not recommend a change in therapy or medication. Some patients would argue, but if they had concerns about infertility or weight loss, or even the fact that their current medications were working just fine, she grinds them down until they agree. She’s a doctor. Her opinion’s the only one that matters.” Sara took a large bite of the brownie, then another.
“Calm down,” I said. “She’s just one doctor.”
“Yeah, but I have to report to her.” Sara scarfed down the rest of the brownie. “The first time she left me alone with a patient, it was with a man in his fifties with chronic digestive issues relating to his liver. According to his charts, he’d suffered discomfort for almost five years, but had never been screened for fibrosis or cirrhosis because—according to Dr. Sanders—his liver function tests didn’t warrant it. I had the naïve audacity to tell him he could always get a second opinion about the pain he was dealing with.”
“But what did he say?”
“He laughed. Couldn’t care less that I was trying to help him.”
“That’s fucked up.”
“I told him he needed more tests, but he called me ‘little girl’ and said he worked sixty hours a week and had to use his vacation days to come to hospital. Apparently, if Dr. Sanders said his tests were fine, he could live with the pain.”
Shauna offered Sara a hug. “You’re a good doctor.”
“Shauna’s right, we need people like you to stick it out and become the doctors of the future. You’re going to change the world, someday.”
Sara gave me the side-eye.
I laughed. “But then again, I also watch a lot of hospital dramas.”
I was having some drama of my own, having started physical therapy at the hospital twice a week. My nurse was April, a young hipster girl with short pink hair and glasses. She insisted I keep my oxygen on as she locked me into the leg braces, but I didn’t need it all the time, and progress was frustratingly slow.
I had my fourth session the day after Sara’s rant about work. It was the first time she was even allowing me to walk. Up until then, she had me practicing stretches and leg lifts to test strength and coordination. Then she would manipulate my joints, bending my knee until it hurt so badly, I wanted to scream. But I so wanted to prove to her I was strong.
“What if I walk with your tank?” Jen offered, knowing that I was about to pop.
“That sounds like a wonderful idea,” April said, simpering like a preschool teacher humoring a toddler.
With Jen’s help, I stood up at the parallel bars. I tried to focus on my breathing instead of the pain. I took it slow, one step after another. I was determined, but suddenly I started to cough. I lost my balance and landed hard on my shoulder. Then my vision went blurry and I passed out.
Jayden was on the case right away, looking at the options. The first was a pacemaker to help my already weak heart to keep up the pace. That idea was put on the shelf while I was assessed for the second option, which was the magnetic surgery that Jayden had pioneered with his colleagues. Either way, there would be no further physical therapy until a solution could be reached.
As it turned out, Jayden’s procedure, known in-house as Chemical Cellular Magnetization, required the patient to ingest a chemical that would thicken the blood. The procedure hadn’t been intended for cystic fibrosis patients.
Fuck my life.
The semester flew by and soon it was the week of Christmas. I woke to the sound of loud vomiting, and went to investigate. Sara still struggled at work, getting more emotional than she should. She was constantly crying, sometimes to the point of tossing her cookies. I joined Johnny in the kitchen.
“Is Sara okay?” I asked.
By way of answer, Sara came to the living room and laid herself on the sofa with her knees pulled to her chest. “My stomach hurts.”
“From last night?” She’d drunk wine and did a lot of pot with me just to stay sane.
“No, I think it’s just my period, I’ll be fine in time for the party,” Sara said. “Can I have some of your Oxy?”
“Sure,” I said. “Do you need me to get it?”
“No, I’m good to walk.”
I should have realized something serious was up, but it was our first Christmas in Portland with my new family and I honestly wanted everything to be okay for once.
For the Christmas Eve party, the vineyard was decorated in white lights, glass snowflakes and icicles. The house had been decorated from floor to ceiling with Christmas decor: candy houses, ribbons, trees, glittery fake snow over ice sculptures, and more. About a hundred guests were expected, including celebrities, local politicians, and other millionaire parents from Izzy’s school.
The party was set to start at eight with some guests arriving as early as six for cocktails. Jen was worried that the party would be for adults only, but over a dozen of Izzy’s classmates were due to arrive with their parents.
Jen and I got ready, wearing the clothes we wore to Sara’s wedding. Shauna was allowed to wear her special flower-girl dress.
I passed by Sara’s room to find her still in bed, trying to sleep off pain as Johnny held her close. He’d decided he’d had enough of watching her suffer just as I stuck my head round the door, and scooped her up in his arms.
“I’m going with you,” I said.
“Please go to the party. She’ll probably just get discharged with some stronger pain meds. There’s not much you can do.”
I wasn’t happy about being away from her when she felt so awful.
“You can come help me get her into the car, but seriously, stay here. Plus, it’s my birthday. You have to do what I say.”
Once he’d promised to let us know as soon as there was anything to report, I went with my family up to the main house, where we were greeted by Izzy.
“Where’re Sara and Johnny?”
“Sara wasn’t feeling well,” Jen answered. “They might be along later.”
“Oh,” Izzy sounded worried, but not clearly not enough to ruin her fun. “Shauna, let’s go to the candy house!”
After a few hours of hanging out with my little cousin and her friends, Jen suddenly came looking for me. “Johnny texted. They’re on their way back with news and want to talk to us privately at the guesthouse.”
“Shauna, we have to go!” I shouted over the music.
“No, I want to stay with Izzy!”
Jen scooped up Shauna. “You love your Auntie Sara, right?”
That seemed to make enough of an impression on Shauna for her to leave the party. We arrived back at the guesthouse and waited on the sofa. Shauna reached for the television remote.
That was when Cam appeared. “I’m so sorry.”
“What happened? Is Sara dead?”
Before he could deny or confirm, the door opened and I was beyond relieved when Sara went straight to her bedroom, rushing past the rest of us. I wanted to go after her, but Johnny motioned for me to stay.
Shauna looked at Johnny. “Why is Auntie Sara sad?”
“Sara’s been working very hard and she didn’t realize she had a baby in her tummy,” Johnny answered, struggling not to cry. “The baby is in heaven now, so Sara’s very sad.”
I froze with a horrible revelation; I’d seen how much she’d been drinking, and God only knew how many times I’d let her share my medicinal stash. Sara was my sister and I’d j
ust watched as she spiraled out of control. I covered my face as Johnny stared off across the living room, looking shattered. “I’m so sorry. She was just so stressed out at work. I thought I was helping her.”
“It just wasn’t the right time,” Johnny replied. He leaned in to offer a hug, but I rolled away.
As I did, Shauna ran to her room, grabbed a plush baby doll with pink hair, and then went to find Sara. She was gone maybe twenty minutes before coming back to join us in the living room.
“How is she?” I asked Shauna, proud of how grown-up she was behaving.
“Tired and sad, but I stayed until she fell asleep.”
Johnny ruffled her hair. “Thanks honey.” He headed toward their bedroom and I saw him crawl into his bed next to his wife, leaving the door open.
“Mommy, can we go back to the party?”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Jen answered.
“No, I want to go back,” I answered through tears, really wanting to get wasted, whether that was possible or not. “I’ll take her.”
“Will Johnny be okay?” Jen asked.
“Yeah, have a great time,” Johnny called from the bedroom. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Jen, Shauna and I returned to the party, where we brought Jayden and Izzy up to date. They wanted to visit, but I convinced them to wait.
They showed up the next morning at the guesthouse, bringing breakfast in takeout containers.
“I’m so sorry Johnny,” Jayden said as he and Izzy laid out the food.
Izzy was still in pajamas and Jayden was wearing the clothes he collapsed into bed with.
“I feel just horrible. You really should’ve told me—I could have gotten her in sooner.”
“Nothing you could’ve done. And I didn’t want you to have to leave your party.”
“Don’t ever think that. You’re my family.”
Johnny took a sip of coffee. “I just want to forget.”
“You don’t forget about something like this.” Jayden hugged Johnny. “Here’s what we’re going to do. First, we’re going to join hands in prayer, eat our feast of leftovers and, after that, I’ll give you your holiday-birthday gift.”
When Sara joined us, we all took a seat at the kitchen table. Well, except for me and Shauna. I wheeled my way over and she hopped up into my lap. Jayden took Jen and Izzy’s hands. Izzy prompted Sara to hold her hand even though she clearly didn’t want to, and finally a complete circle was formed.
Jayden closed his eyes. “On this Christmas day, we pray for those we love and for those we have lost. Even in our darkest times, we must all cherish God’s love, for his love is eternal and everlasting. Amen.”
“Amen,” the rest of the us chorused.
Jayden glanced at Sara. “I’d like you to go see my friend Dr. Karen Williams. She’s an excellent doctor for times like this.”
“Is she one of your ‘special friends’?”
Izzy put down her cupcake. “My daddy’s only trying to help.”
“Your body has endured a traumatic event. If I get you an appointment, will you go as a personal favor to me?”
Sara took a cookie. “Fine, I’m sorry. I’ll see Dr. Williams.”
“Thank you,” Jayden said, grabbing a chocolate cupcake.
After breakfast, he led us all outside. In the vineyard was a massive RV.
Johnny was genuinely surprised. “You bought me that?”
“Well, the RV’s a gift for all of you,” Jayden pointed out. “I hear Jen’s grandmother lives in Seattle—it’s an amazing place, just three hours up the coast.”
“Cut that to one hour if Johnny drives,” Jen joked, managing to get a crooked smile out of him.
Jayden went inside the RV and rolled out a round, red grill. “Johnny, this is your gift.”
Johnny’s eyes widened in excitement. It was large enough to cook a meal for the whole family, but with its folding legs and detachable gas, it was also small enough to fit inside his van, or Sara’s SUV.
“When are we going to see Nana?” Shauna asked.
I scooped her up in my arms. “That’s a good question.”
Seventeen
The following morning, I learned that Jayden’s gift to me was more personal than a vehicle.
He’d secured a surgery date for my vascular repair, and it hadn’t been easy, as he explained over breakfast.
“I couldn’t get them to look at your recovery evidence,” Jayden seethed. “I’d had gone before a panel of my peers—the ones who usually get me to sign off their referral requests—and they all insisted you weren’t a good candidate for the procedure. I was furious. It was like they’d never learned to look at the whole picture. I think I should have the right to determine who is a good candidate for a procedure I helped pioneer. Anyhow, they’ve backed my proposal now. We’ll give it a shot.”
“What exactly is the procedure?” I asked.
“Daddy’s going to pull on your heart using magnets.”
“Ok-kay …”
“You know how if you break a bone, it heals itself stronger?” she asked.
“It does?”
Izzy face-palmed.
“Sorry, I never went to college.”
“And I haven’t made it to junior high. Just pay attention. It’s like how vaccines work. Tiny amounts of damage are done to the heart, and the cells repair themselves, making the organ stronger. I’ll bet you even Shauna gets it.”
Shauna nodded. “Like glue, but made from cells.”
So, I am literally the dumbest person in the room.
There was just one major problem: my surgery was scheduled for January twentieth, Shauna’s seventh birthday.
Shauna looked way positive as she waved goodbye to go to school that day. Her friends were waiting outside the front of the building, already holding birthday balloons for her. Jen and I made our way to the ward where I’d be staying a night or two, and once I’d stripped and gotten into the gown left for me, Dr. Elena Rocca came to introduce herself.
She was a tall, thin woman with long black hair pulled into a bun. She was maybe ten years Jayden’s senior, and seemed nice enough. Uncle Jayden said she was one of the researchers during the human testing stages of the procedure, and acted as his mentor. If my uncle considered her a friend, I had no reason not to trust her. The surgery was set to start at ten with the actual procedure finished by one. Then it would be up to my body to find the strength to wake up.
I was not nervous before going into surgery. As expected, I received the anesthesia, closed my eyes; I counted backward from ten and my soul left my body. I expected to meet up with Cam. But instead, as I stood in the operating room overlooking my body, I found myself standing with my biological mother.
“Hi, Mom.” It had been a while since I had seen the spirit of my mother. She looked like the same teenage girl who died so many year ago. “Or should I call you Izzy the First?”
Mom chuckled as she watched Jayden at the operating table. “My little brother is all grown up.”
“Yeah, he’s pretty amazing. Have you met his daughter?”
“Seen her, yes. No cause to meet her yet, thank heavens. Little Izzy, she’s precious. She’s so beautiful, just like her mother.”
“You’ve met Hosanna?”
“We hang out all the time. I mean, we do now—rules of the afterlife.”
“What?”
“I was stuck in North Dakota for years. Right until you made it to Portland.”
“Really?” I couldn’t help but smile at the thought of her having company at last. I glanced back to watch the monitor gently chiming a steady pulse during the procedure.
I turned to my mother. She was staring at an open portal.
“No, please no—I don’t want to die!”
“You’re not dying. Your procedure’s going well. This isn’t the afterlife—it’s just … a waiting room, I guess. Don’t know how else to call it. Step through.”
I closed my eyes as I followed
her.
I emerged in a park, still wearing my white hospital gown. There was a slide, a swing set, and a sandbox; everything was covered in rust and decay. The area was empty except for a little girl in a yellow dress, no older than Shauna, on the swing set. In fact, from a distance, I could have sworn it was her—she had the same dark hair. I was about to call to her when she hopped off the swing and ran over.
“Hi Uncle Sean.”
I blinked. “Uncle?”
“I’m Emily. At least, that’s what Mom would’ve named me.”
“You’re Sara’s baby?” I took a seat beside her on the wooden edge of the sandbox.
She nodded, but then looked sad. “You need to get through this operation-thing and go back. Something bad is going to happen.”
“Yeah, I’ve been hearing that a lot. Do you know a guy named Cam?”
“Something bad is going to happen to my daddy.”
There was no way. Johnny was healthy, strong. The only explanation I could think of would involve an accident. “What happens to him?”
“He’ll be very sick.”
I looked around while trying to take that in. The park was completely surrounded by tall trees, all of which cast strange, long shadows like arms. There was no sun in the sky, only a wide and blinding light. The shadows were moving towards me, like small rivers of water.
“What if I don’t want to go back?” My eyes were transfixed on the approaching darkness. “I’ll still be sick. They’ll need to look after Johnny. Fuck it, I’ll still be dying anyhow.”
“What about Shauna?”
“I’d be staying here for her.”
I started to picture my daughter’s face. I wanted a chance to say goodbye, but maybe that would be more traumatic. It would be cleaner if I just passed away in my sleep. Then Shauna could focus more on the positive memories. The darkness slinked closer until the shadows were touching my legs. I loved Jen, and I would miss her, but if I left right now, she’d have time to cope, rebuild her life. Yes, letting go would be the right thing for everyone. The darkness was now covering my entire lower body. I took a breath.