by Mary Ramsey
This, of course, caused Jayden and London to rush to me. I quickly sat up. “Guys, I’m fine. Relaxing. Sorry.”
“Do you need your wheelchair?” Jayden asked.
“I said I’m fine.” I wanted to continue to feel at one with the ocean. Jen and Shauna kept paddling maybe twenty feet away, looking over at me often, just to check in. I appreciated their calm.
When the meal was ready, Johnny and Sara served it on the folding table. It was an amazing spread: grilled vegetable salad with seared tilapia, grilled pineapple, and handmade chocolate fudge sauce.
“Ice cream’s in the RV,” Johnny said, causing Izzy and Shauna to go for dessert first.
“You should open a restaurant,” I said, wringing out my hair as I ate.
Jen nodded. “I kind of agree. Yes, you’ll make a great nurse, but you’re just so passionate about everything you do.”
Johnny smiled. “It’s nothing, just the skills I grew up with.”
I turned my attention to Jayden and London. “I want to thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me and my family.”
“And will continue to do,” Jayden added.
“I kind of asked the group to go back to North Dakota after I die,” I said, already seeing how much I was hurting him. That wasn’t my plan. “Hey,” I added hastily. “You have London. You guys can get to work on making lots of hot supermodel babies.”
London laughed. “I do want kids someday, but for the present time, Izzy is all I need.”
“You’re right, let’s just live for today. Today is such a perfect day.”
I looked around at my family. I wanted so badly to stay, to be with my wife, to watch my daughter grow up, to be there when Sara and Johnny finally had a child of their own. There was so much I was going to miss. As I lay back in the sand, I could already feel a headache building.
Later that night, before I went to bed, I rolled my chair to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, studying my face. For a while I just took in my mother’s eyes, my scar, my cheekbones, my facial hair. There was way too much facial hair.
“Shauna,” I called into the bedroom.
“Yes, Daddy?”
“Can you help me with something?” I asked. “I want to shave so I can look nice for my party, but my hands are too weak.” I’d been feeling decent during the day, but in the last few hours my hands had started to tremble again.
“Sure.” She came in and located the shaving cream and a razor. “I like when Mommy shaves you, the way you look into each other’s eyes. You and mommy always look so in love.”
I explained that the first step was to apply a nice coat of shaving cream. Shauna depressed the small button on the top, sending a stream of foam from the can into her left hand. The sight of her giggling brought tears to my eyes. The two of us spent a few moments making goofy faces. I was tempted to do my impression of Santa Claus, but chose not to as Shauna wanted to get started.
“Are you ready to give Daddy a shave?”
Shauna nodded and gave me a brave look. I lifted her up to my lap, explaining how to follow the flow of the skin on a person’s face, and never go against the grain.
“I know already, from watching Mommy.” She worked slowly and gently. She could feel my body shivering. “Do you need your medicine?”
I shook my head. “I can take it later.”
Since I didn’t have my oxygen connected, she was also able to shave my upper lip. She touched my mouth, wiping off a bit of shaving cream from my lip. I smiled.
“Shauna, I want you to know something. No matter where your life takes you, you’ll always be my brave, precious little girl. Never let anyone hurt you; never let anyone tell you that you can’t achieve your dreams.”
Shauna smiled and nodded. “I love you Daddy. I’ll never forget you.”
As she shaved my face, part of me wanted this moment never to end; if I could spend eternity in the little bathroom with my daughter showering me with affection, I could totally handle that. I sat there watching my daughter via the bathroom mirror. I talked her through parts where I felt nervous, but she knew more about giving a safe shave than I’d assumed. I cracked jokes about how her mom would be jealous of how good of a job she had done, just to see the gleam in my little girl’s eyes one more time.
As Shauna finished the shave, she rinsed the razor, put it back in the special pot, then hopped down and went to get me a towel. She rinsed it under warm water and pressed it to my forehead, then my cheeks.
“Nice job, my angel.” I then reached for the shave cream can and shook the canister a few times before shooting a small stream of foam onto Shauna’s nose, causing her to let out a shriek that everyone in the house heard.
I caressed her cheek and felt myself start to cry. “I love you so much, baby.”
“I love you too, Daddy.” She pressed the towel to my neck and chest. When she was done, she kissed my cheek. “You look like an angel.”
We went to lie down a little while. I knew Shauna loved to fall asleep holding my back, but in that moment I pulled her on to my chest, stroking her hair. I wanted to memorize her face.
That night I suffered a deep, intense fever, and with it a dream. I was standing on the beach in swim trunks. The moon was high in the night sky. I sat down at the water’s edge, letting it touch my legs. It was so cold, I recoiled.
My mother Izzy appeared behind me, joined by Jen’s brother Cam.
“You have to let go,” Cam said, “it’s time.”
Izzy smiled through tears. “You’ve done so well. You found my brother, and you brought him peace. You brought your family back together.”
“Is this the end?” I asked.
“When a person finds the strength to let go of this life, the demons become angels,” Cam said, sitting alongside me, and offering his hand.
“I don’t want to go— I’m not ready.”
“You’re ready enough for now.”
Izzy sat on the other side of me. “Sara, Johnny, and Jen will make a new life, but they’ll always keep you in their hearts. And your precious Shauna will grow up inspired by your love. You fought like a soldier to the very end—all for her.”
All three of us lay down on the sand, holding hands as the waves crashed over us. I tried to clear my mind, let go of my fear. I mentally said one last goodbye to life, and as I did, the water felt warm. A beautiful calm washed over me.
Twenty-Four
I awoke from my bliss to the sight of my body being loaded into a body bag. Jen held Shauna as the paramedics wheeled me out. There was no question—I was dead.
Talk about brutal. I looked across the bedroom to see my mother Izzy standing patiently, sympathy in her eyes.
“Why am I here?”
“This is what happens, Sean.”
“No, I want to cross over! I don’t want to see this!” I was wholly shaken, even as Mom took my hand. “Why are I still here? Tell me.”
“First off, it’s a rule that you get to attend your own funeral,” she explained. “But beyond that, you have unfinished business.”
“What was all that about leaving my family strong? I thought I was done!” God, I was so frustrated.
“We said it was your time to die, not your time to go. You did well to bring your family back together, but there are things you need to take care of that you couldn’t handle alive. But don’t worry, Cam and I will be by your side the entire time.”
Since it appeared that I wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon, I decided to take a walk. I walked around the house, along the beach, I could still feel every sensation. Every smell, taste, touch, it was all still mine and I wasn’t sure I would ever be ready to let it go.
The day of the “life celebration” was emotional. The invited guests were already starting to gather at the main house. Sara could not stop crying and was still wearing the clothes she’d slept in, even though the ceremony was only two hours away.
“What the hell are we supposed to say to all these people?”
she asked Jen. “Sean was supposed to be here to experience their outpouring of love!”
“We need to be the family Sean knew we could be.” Jen joined her at the window, watching people arrive through the gates. She was already dressed in a knee-length gown borrowed from London.
Sara ran to the bathroom and vomited into the sink. As I passed my hand through her back, I actually felt her physical pain. Every part of her body hurt, and I snatched my hand back. I’d been pain-free for just a few days, and now experiencing it second-hand brought a whole lot of shit back.
“I can’t do this,” Sara groaned. “I feel so sick. I need … where are Sean’s pills?”
Johnny darted into the bathroom and grabbed her, putting his arms around her. “No, this is not what he would have wanted for you.”
I left them to it and went to find Izzy and Cam, who were sitting at the kitchen table looking through the mail. I took a seat with them. “I feel so terrible.”
“For dying?” Izzy asked.
Cam laughed. “You think this is awkward? Just wait for the funeral.”
There was a knock at the door. Jen went to open it. I was expecting to see Jayden or London, but there stood Remy, wearing a black suit. His shoulder-length hair hung loose in casual, clean waves. He was clearly in good shape again, but still the last person I wanted at my funeral.
“Hi Jen,” he said. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
She didn’t toss him out, but she didn’t exactly welcome him in, either, I was pleased to notice. In any case, the decision about whether he was coming or going was taken straight out of her hands as Sara emerged from the bathroom.
“Remy,” Sara shrieked, leaping into his arms. “Oh my God, it’s really you!”
Shauna emerged from her room. “Remy!”
“There’s my special girl.” Remy patted her head when she rushed over. “I didn’t expect such a welcome.”
“You’re family,” Sara said as she stood up. “We all miss you so much.”
Sara’s statement made me look at Johnny and Jen. My wife was staring at Remy with a look of disgust.
“Where have you been?”
“I’ve been working as a bartender in Reno. I read about the memorial online. I thought I’d come by and pay my respects.”
“Do you know about my father?”
He took a long breath. “Yes. I know he’s in prison.”
“Have you contacted him?”
I already knew the answer, and so did Jen; it was made clear through his flat stare.
“Jen, I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on with my life. I’m clean now and I have a real job. I can’t keep living in the past.”
“Why did you even come here?”
Remy pulled Sara close. “I’m here for my family.”
“You’re not her family!” I looked to Izzy and Cam. “Hell no, this is not happening. Cam, please tell me I have powers like you do?”
“You do, but you can only use them for good. Fate and free will are going to take care of the rest.”
“Then how the hell did you do half the haunting shit that you did?” I demanded. “Come on, man, I need the cheat guide. I want to be a real ghost. I want to make shit fly around and knock stuff off walls.”
Cam started laughing. “That only comes with practice, but like I said, have some faith in fate and free will.”
“Fate and free will? Aren’t they kind of … opposites?”
“Free will drives fate. You can’t win the lottery if you don’t buy a ticket.” He hopped off the table. “I think it’s about time to head to the memorial.”
Twenty-Five
Jayden had erected the same movie theater space he’d used for the Christmas party. The speakers were seated in front of the stage and there were LCD televisions set up all over the vineyard. From any location, one could listen to the speakers while watching a photo montage of my life. Waiters served beverages and chocolate appetizers throughout.
Jayden spoke first to welcome all his guests and to answer the question on everyone’s mind. “A lot of you have been asking about the body. Sean asked that his body be donated to science so that future generations might benefit from the knowledge of his case. Not to go into detail, but what remained was cremated, and made into this …”
He opened a box roughly the size of his palm. Inside was a pendant holding a light blue diamond the color of my eyes.
Nice. I passed my hand through the stone, making it shimmer.
“At the end of the ceremony, I’ll present this to his wife and daughter, but for now I invite all speakers to embrace Sean’s beauty and strength one last time.”
Next up was Claire, my adoptive mom. She gave a twenty-minute speech about my life, starting with the story of how I came to be part of her family, and ending with a statement of how I was too beautiful for this world. She then burst into tears and was helped off the stage by Jayden.
Next, Sara talked about how people always underestimated me.
“Sean was out to prove to the world how amazing he could be. As a teenager, he wanted to go to the Paralympics. He wanted to travel the world as a model; he wanted to inspire. Sean made the people around him want to be better, to be braver, to live their lives without regrets.”
The next few speeches came from my high school coaches, my agent, even a few girls from my high school. Person after person praised my life.
I never gave much thought to my funeral. Looking out at the crowd I was filled with questions: What was I? What did I represent? Most importantly, what was my purpose in this life? According to the eulogies I was a husband, father, brother, son, and all-around great guy, on par with Jesus himself. What I represented was hope, faith, courage, determination in the face of adversity—yeah, I guess. And my purpose, apparently, was to inspire. Inspire? All I was inspiring were tears of sadness and pain. Shauna was crying so hard my cousin Izzy had to take her to a quiet place. Maybe the spirits were right: my work here wasn’t done.
I followed close as Izzy led Shauna off to the pool. It had been locked: one of the few places visitors weren’t allowed. The girls went via the house, cutting through the kitchen to grab some sodas before sitting poolside with their feet in the water.
“I thought I would be okay,” Shauna sobbed. “He was in so much pain, and now he’s with God, and he’ll never feel pain again. But then I hear all these people describe how special he was, how amazing, talented and brave he was.”
“Are you afraid you’ll never find anyone else like him?” Izzy asked.
Shauna nodded. “My daddy was one of a kind and now he’s gone.”
I touched Shauna’s back. “I’m so sorry. I fought so hard. I’ll make it up to you. I will bring Grandpa home.”
My cousin opened her can of Coke. “God made us all different, but I can guarantee you that you’ll find someone you care about. He or she might be kind of like your daddy, and you’ll love them, and they’ll need your love the way your daddy needed you.”
Suddenly Cam appeared. “This is adorable, but we need to check in on some of your other family members.” He snapped his fingers and we reappeared next to Johnny, who was slumped under a tree with a bottle of whiskey. He was joined by tattoo legend and former boss, Lita.
“It’s been a while. Where’s your entourage?” he asked.
“I can’t exactly shut down my shop, so I’m only here with my sister,” she responded, taking out a cigarette. “I can’t believe Sean wanted to be pressed into a diamond.”
Johnny shrugged. “Beautiful in life, beautiful in death, I guess.”
“True.” She sat down next to him and smoothed out her long, lacy black dress. “So, what’s new? And why are you not making a speech?”
“I have a speech, it’s just …”
“What?”
“My cousin showed,” he said, covering his face with his hand. “Threw off my concentration.”
“I take it this is someone you’ve come to dislike,” she said in a comforting tone. �
�But Johnny, you’re so strong—how bad could he be?”
It was then that Remy chose to wander over, Sara on his arm. “Hey, baby cousin. Hey, Lita.”
She gave him a thin smile. “Hey.”
“How goes the world of tattoos?”
She dragged on her cigarette. “Expressive. Profitable.”
“I’ve always loved tattoos as means of self-expression,” he said as he bit his lip.
“Good for you.”
“Maybe you can join Sara and me as we fully explore the energy of our souls?”
Like hell! I grabbed Remy’s wrist, focusing all my anger on the tattoo of Diego’s name. I wanted my touch to burn. I wanted to hear him scream, or at least grab his wrist in pain—but no such luck. He barely flinched.
“No, thank you,” Lita said with a forced smile.
“It’s all good.” Remy grabbed his wrist, wincing for real as he walked away with Sara.
Oh my god, I have real powers. I looked at Cam, who was patiently waiting for me to quit jumping about like a caffeinated freak.
Lita waited until Remy was gone. “Holy shit, that was creepy.”
“Yeah I know,” Johnny sighed.
“And he totally wants to fuck your wife,” she added.
“I trust Sara,” he said before taking a long swig on his bottle. “We’ve been through a lot.”
Johnny might have trusted her, but I was beginning to have my doubts. Sara’s self-control seemed to crumble where Remy was concerned. “Cam, please tell me I can take over Johnny and beat the living crap out of that creep.”
Cam shook his head. “No, you can’t possess a human host.”
“I bet my demonic bitch of a mother-in-law could teach me how to jump into his body so I could beat six shades out of him. It would be worth going to hell over.”
Cam hit me with a blast of wind. “Nothing is worth going to hell over. And don’t bring my mother into this.”
Johnny tugged up his sleeves, revealing my flower tattoo. I was really touched. He’d gone ahead and matched my design with one of his own, after all that time. He must’ve had it done after I passed, or maybe in the week beforehand. It was fresh, but not raw.