by Amore, C. C.
“W-well I don’t really…” I said as tried to lay the dishes down to the sink, but the sudden sound of his voice right next to me made me drop some of the dishes.
“You are still clumsy, aren’t you sis?”
I blushed. “You just surprised me, that’s all. We haven’t spoken in years, you know.”
I tried grabbing the dishes from Andrew’s hands, but the brief moment when our hands touched made my heart skip a beat and I almost dropped the dishes.
“Again, sis?” He chuckled.
Everyone always looked tall standing right next to me, but my stepbrother was something else entirely. I firmly believed that I could hide between his broad shoulders and I could have snuggled against him for the rest of my life without a worry in the world.
His blue eyes never stopped sparkling, and his playful nature inside them had to have been evident to everyone. I couldn’t imagine I was the only one who could get lost in those beautiful eyes. Seeing Hannah acting the way she did, I now knew I wasn’t.
As if his blue eyes weren’t inviting enough already, my stepbrother had the nerve to have blond hair to accentuate them even further. That was just too much for me.
He was way too handsome for me and it wasn’t just the physical aspect that made him a complete package: It was his free-spirited nature that had gotten me to fall for him years ago, when we were growing up together.
I had seen pictures of him from his journeys: climbing on the Himalayas, surfing in Australia, hiking in South America. He was still the same explorer I had known all those years ago. Only this time, the tree in our backyard was no longer high enough for him. I doubted if any obstacle was ever too high for him to overcome.
There were a few times I remembered when had touched me. Helping me climb the tree, or getting me inside our tree house, I had come to known that his touch was nothing like I had ever felt before. It was so gentle and precise at the same time. I often wondered if he realized what his touch made me feel. He would move his hands with such determination and experience, it almost made me believe there was something between us.
But there wasn’t. There couldn’t be. Society wouldn’t allow such relationships. I should have known better. It was stupid of me to think about he had feelings for me.
I had thought about those moments when he had been gone all these years. I would fantasize about being with him, even though it was forbidden.
“Umm. What were you saying?” I was so deep in my thoughts I had completely lost my chain of thought. Just seeing him there, mere feet away, short circuited my brain.
“Never mind,” he said, placing his dishes in the sink, “but what about that Hannah girl. You two know each other, right?”
Of course he would want to speak about her. ARGH!
“Yeah, we’re roommates in college,” I said while sighing.
“That’s what I thought. She has quite the way of handling herself, doesn’t she?”
If you mean that she likes pushing her big tits right in front of your face then yes! “Uhm. You could say that, yeah.”
“I know we haven’t had the chance to speak yet sis, but my buddies wanted to throw this party and I couldn’t really say no to it. You understand that, right?”
I froze for a moment when I realized he was standing right in front of me, almost too close for what would be considered proper by other people. A hint of his pleasurable smell made its way to my nose; overriding any thoughts I had and flooding my memories of our time playing in the tree house. In my mind, I pictured his blue eyes inviting me to come closer to him, to let him hug his stepsister passionately.
“I’m just glad we had the chance to at least see each other.”
I was lying, but there was no point in damaging our relationship for something that wouldn’t happen.
“You know,” he said, “perhaps we will have a chance to talk once the guests leave my house. Does that sound good for you, sis?”
My lips curled in as I tried my best not to embrace him in a hug and to tell him what I felt, what I had been keeping locked inside me all the years he had been gone. I bit my teeth against my lips, trying to force the thought of jumping in his arms away from my mind.
“Yeah, that sounds nice,” I said, “go be with your friends. They are dying to hear more stories of your adventures.”
I was tempted to grab him by his toned arm, despite what I just told myself not to do. Touching my stepbrother’s muscular arm wouldn’t make things any easier for me.
“You are right,” he said to me smiling, “we will have all the time in the world to talk about things.” A smile of genuine warmth flashed over his face, and he placed his hand on my shoulder.
The heat from his hand immediately transferred to my petite shoulder, nursing my body from the pain of seeing him laugh with Hannah had caused me just minutes before. His touch helped bring me back some life with his energy.
I had to do something before things got out of control inside my head. “Yeah, we’ll do that,” I said, suggesting with my hand towards his guests.
I saw his friends talking around the dinner table. Well, most of the talking seemed to be done by Hannah, who had her eyes on Andrew as soon as she noticed we were coming to them.
I knew there was no point in having false hope. I’d be best off succumbing to the hard, cold truth of losing Andrew to Hannah.
I walked behind Andrew, stealing a few glances towards his firm buttocks before I realized what I was doing. My lips curved inward from letting myself go there and I hoped no one noticed.
My brown hair swung from side to side in its ponytail as we walked. I had the strangest sensation that it was odd for me to walk behind him, as he was usually the one who somehow always ended up walking behind me. A sensation of déjà-vu intruded into my thoughts: I knew I had done this before, insisting on walking behind him before so that I could check him out, but when was it? Had it been five years ago in high school? When he had left? For the life of me, I couldn’t put my finger around when and why it had happened.
As we grew closer to the dinner table, Hannah faced us. I could see the frown on her face as she saw me with Andrew. In her mind, I should have known not to interfere with her plans to get him. Talking to him alone took time away from her talking to him.
If you thought Andrew being my stepbrother meant that I was allowed to talk to him whenever I wanted, you clearly didn’t know Hannah.
Andrew and I sat down, and the conversation that had been mulling quieted down at the same time.
“You’ve already told us a few stories, Andrew,” Hannah said, “and I especially liked the one you told me privately. But that’s just between us, so how ‘bout you tell something less private for the rest of us?” She kept staring at him, clearly not caring if everyone else thought she was being too forward with her advances. She squeezed her arms around her boobs, giving him all the reason to look at her curvy figures.
Somehow I knew there hadn’t been much of ‘private story’ Andrew had told her. She just wanted everyone else think she was somehow special in Andrew’s eyes. But looking at Andrew, I saw the discomfort in his eyes when.
Seeing her snubbed like that, I smiled so wide, I had to cover my mouth with my hands. Take that you…skank! Yeah, I can talk however I like inside my head, yeah!
“Well, you haven’t spoken about the reason why you decided to come home now, after all these years of being away,” Hannah said.
“Yeah, I’ve been curious about that. Why did you come back?” I added, which got an angry look from Hannah.
Hannah raised her voice to drown mine. “I’m dying to know about it!”
Andrew took a long pause. “Are you sure you want to hear about this? It might not be the right time for this story.”
“Your stories are always so interesting. Of course I wanna hear about it,” Hannah said.
“Okay then. As some of you know already, I was at the Himalayas when I decided to come home.” Andrew rubbed his cheek, clearly thinki
ng about something that had had a deep impact on his life. “I’ve wanted to climb Mount Everest ever since me and Jessica started climbing the tree in our back yard and six years ago. On my travels, I met a nice Canadian fellow named Nathan back in Byron Bay who had the same dream.”
The broad smile on Andrew’s face when he said that brought joy into my heart: he cared deeply about Nathan.
“We shared the same passions and ended up climbing and trekking together non-stop for the next few years. Traveling so close to each other with your best friend for years meant there weren’t any secrets between us. And it made me like him even more. He didn’t judge my mistakes.” The smile on Andrew grew wider as he talked about his travels with Nathan.
“We traveled around the world with Nathan for years before he didn’t have a choice but to head home. We had gotten very close in our travels and kept in touch with each other. A few years ago, he emailed me about climbing the Everest and he even asked me to join him. At the time I had a broken leg and I had to use a crutch to get around, so it didn’t end up happening. I was jealous of not being able to go with him, but I had a few friends who had climbed it before, so I got him in touch with them.”
He stopped his story to look at me. There was a hint of something in his blue eyes before he continued.
“I heard from him later on that he had a failed at reaching the summit, but that he had spent time in the death zone and that he was hooked. At that point it was obvious that he had the summit fever everyone keeps talking about. We spoke on the phone multiple times afterward as I wanted to know every detail of what it was really like.”
Andrew crossed his arms and his voice lowered noticeably. “Few months after that, it happened what always does: as we no longer traveled together, we eventually lost touch… but the excitement of climbing the Everest hadn’t disappeared from my life. If anything, it was stronger than ever before. So, I was in China when the climbing season had just begun and I convinced my buddies to take a trip to the Himalayas. I knew I wasn’t actually going to climb the Everest that time, because on top of other hurdles, trying to buy myself a spot at one of the climbing crews without any money on me was not going to happen. But it was something I had wanted to do for so long, you know? If only to smell the cool mountain air and place a prayer flag for luck.” He took in a deep breath, as if he was remembering what it had really smelled like.
“I was fairly well acclimated and I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity not to go there if not only to see what it would be like.” He stopped again, looking down at the table. “In hindsight it might have been the best or worst decision of my life. I guess only time will tell.”
He didn’t continue and Hannah, clearly wanting every bit of attention from him, couldn’t keep quiet. “Go on! What happened?”
Andrew sighed. “Being the way I am, and my dear sister can attest to this, I made my way to the first base camp totally alone as my friends were not sure if they could make the climb. You might have seen the one picture from me at the base camp on Instagram where I was smiling in front of the colorful tents, sunshine reflecting from my sunscreen covered nose?”
“That was a cool picture. Your teeth were almost as white as the sunscreen by the way,” Hannah flirted.
Andrew smiled. “That was taken right after I arrived around noon. It was one of the best feelings I have ever had. But you know there were no pictures taken after that.” He stopped again and began fidgeting with his fingers, but this time Hannah didn’t do what she had done previously.
The silence continued until I barely whispered: “Why didn’t you take any more pictures?”
Andrew looked almost sorry for having to speak about it. I could feel my stepbrother’s anxiety, the way I had always instinctively known his mood when we were growing up. I wanted to console him and make him feel better, even though I didn’t know what hurt him so much.
“Few minutes after I had arrived, I saw a team of climbers walking down the path from Camp II pulling several sleds behind them. I didn’t think it meant anything unusual until I saw people running to them with medical equipment. I stayed away from the doctors as they did their thing. Soon after I heard that a US team had been trapped on the mountain because of a snowstorm.”
He swallowed a lump and curled in his lips. “Later that day, I was standing next to a person making a phone call on a satellite phone when I heard the names of the deceased. I’ll never forget the moment your whole world crumbles.”
The tears in my eyes blurred my vision once I realized what had happened.
Andrew covered his face in his hands before he began sobbing. “I’m sorry,” he said from behind his hands, “this really isn’t a good story to tell.” He stood up and walked away.
The rest of us were left around the table gobsmacked. None of us knew what to say. I don’t think any of us could have predicted such a tragedy for him coming home after being gone for so long.
My heart sunk deep in my chest and pressure on my neck and chest made it difficult to breathe. I took deep breaths to prevent the oncoming panic attack from settling in and after a few seconds, I sensed the tightness ease. But it didn’t prevent the tears in my eyes from pouring down my cheeks.
“I better go console him,” Hannah said before she rushed after him.
I wiped the tears from my face, with the sunken feeling of realizing Andrew’s suffering tore at my soul.
If I had only known about this, perhaps I could have helped him? Why couldn’t I have been there for him?
I hated myself for not noticing his sad demeanor.
The flood barriers in my eyes broke again when even though I thought I had managed to pick myself up enough. I quietly sobbed into my hands thinking about what he must have had gone through all alone on that mountain.
I had to give him a hug. My stepbrother needed to know his sister was there for him. I had to help him, because I loved him.
I loved him more than I should have, and more than what was allowed.
I jumped up from my seat, almost toppling the chair. I wiped my face clean of tears the best I could as I walked towards the bedroom where he had gone.
I would give him a bear hug, and it would make all the pain go away. It had worked when we were young, and it had to work now. It had to.
I opened the bedroom door and whatever I thought had been the lowest point in my life so far was a distant second from that moment on. I saw Andrew’s back from behind before Hannah’s hands snaked around his neck and she leaned in to kiss him.
My whole world crumbled and there was no escape.
Her hands moved around his body, touching my stepbrother like she owned him. I needed to get away from here. I couldn’t take this. Not now.
I must have made a sound because they turned around to face me. My brother tried to say something to me, but my mind went blank. I saw him move closer to me, but the words he was saying didn’t make sense to me.
It felt like I no longer belonged in the same world with them, everything took place in slow motion. I knew what had to be happening, but my mind couldn’t process it.
I began walking towards the front door when something grabbed me by the arm. I pulled my arm away and continued on determinedly.
This wasn’t happening. Not now. Not after all I had just gone through. I had had so much love for him and he decides now is the time to get it on with Slutty McSlut.
I couldn’t take this.
FUCK!
I rushed to get my shoes and jacket on and slammed the door behind me.
What had been the picture perfect winter evening to finally reunite with my stepbrother had turned into the saddest day of my life.
Light snow fell on my face. The cold winter air I took made my nostrils constrict from the freezing air. I tried putting on the jacket but something was stuck on the sleeve: my scarf, mittens and the woolly hat. I wrapped the scarf around my neck and closed the zipper all the way up to my scarf.
I looked at the woolly hat in my h
ands. It had had significance to me when I had arrived to his homecoming party, but that reason had lost its meaning. In a fit of anger I threw the hat away as far as I could. I didn’t need any reminders of him ever again.
I placed the woolly mittens on my small hands before I tucked them into my pockets. The cold snow scrunched beneath my feet, reminding me of the stupidity of walking back to the dorm in this cold.
The anger still boiled inside me. Some stupid weather couldn’t stop me from getting away from this place.
I opened the front gate to the house and made my way back home. It normally took me twenty minutes during the summer to walk here, but in the deep snow? Who knew? But I didn’t care. The fresh snow certainly didn’t make the travel any easier. Almost a foot of new snow had fallen and no one appeared to have cleared the walkways.
If I just made it back home, I could cry myself to sleep and try to forget about Andrew.
Chapter 2
My hands and face were freezing. I tried to warm up by covering my face with my mittens and breathing into them, but it didn’t help. Any warmth from my breath froze soon after and made me even colder than before.
I had to keep pushing on. I would get home eventually and then I could start figuring out a new place to live. Hannah would never get off my shit list.
My body sweated from walking in the deep snow and the coldness began take a hold of me. My body had started shivering half way to the store. I decided to take a shortcut to the dorm through a small forest and some private properties to save me some time, but it hadn’t worked out in my favor: the fresh snow only made the trip take longer.
I walked for what seemed like an eternity but I was still too far away. The anger I had felt when I saw him with Hannah no longer boiled inside me. I grew tired from walking in the deep snow and no longer having the rage to keep me going slowed my pace down.
I became even more tired. My short legs couldn’t keep walking in snow so deep forever. I would need to take a small rest. I just had to.
I saw a small store in front of me.