by Amore, C. C.
They wouldn’t understand.
He leaned against the wall, his hands nonchalantly in his jean pockets, as if posing for a magazine. His short black hair was stylized, following the latest fashion.
Argh.
Why did he do this me? Sometimes I thought he always made sure we had direct line of sight between us at all times, as if to tease me into looking at him. But why would he do that? For all I knew, he still thought I hated him. And in fact, I had told him that many times when we were growing up together.
And that name of his, Joshua. I ‘hated’ him even more for having such a cute name.
It had been obvious to all my friends that the Joshua that had gone to college was not the same one that had returned. They had noticed the same changes I had. His shoulders were broader, he had grown even taller and the once obvious signs of puberty had long since disappeared. Now he looked like someone from a model magazine.
I bit my lips thinking about him, watching him talking with his friends. I even found myself twirling my long brown hair looking at him. Such a cliche, but I had a habit of doing that whenever my thoughts took me away from the rest of the world because I looked at him.
My friends had already decided which one of them would be the first to have a change of seducing him. If I only had been able to take part in their discussion about the pecking order. But they had left me out of it, for the obvious reasons.
“Amanda, what do you think?” Sarah said.
I turned around to look back at her.
“W-what? I couldn’t hear you over the music.” Hopefully she didn’t notice who I stared at.
“Shouldn’t we start with the game already? I want to have a go with a certain someone,” Sarah said, making lustful eyes towards the boys, Joshua, Sam, Adam and Joe, at the other end of the room.
There were five of us girls sitting and lying on the floor. It’s a stereotypical for us to just lay around gossiping while looking at magazines and talking about boys.
It was the highlight of the week whenever there were enough cute boys hanging out with us so we could play our little game. And we were about to play it tonight.
“Yeah, most definitely,” I said.
“Yuuhuuu,” Sarah winked at boys, “are ready for some cute girls?”
All of us girls waved at the boys to get their attention. I played along, despite knowing I really didn’t have any interest in anyone other than him. But the one person I couldn’t have, the man I had grown up with, had insisted on playing with us tonight.
We had grown up together fighting almost constantly. That is until he had left for college a few years ago and had come back looking like the way he did tonight.
I had kept telling myself I just missed fighting with him, but I knew that wouldn’t explain the sensations in my body whenever he stood close to me. That didn’t make any sense. The truth, in hindsight, had been obvious and now I’d be stuck keeping my feelings locked up inside me. It didn’t help seeing him smile all the time.
I wanted to rush into his arms and kiss him.
But there are some fantasies no one ever gets to have. I had to stop thinking about him. I could manage that. I had to.
The boys came to our little circle, spreading out evenly between the girls. Joshua walked behind me and the hint of his cologne filled my senses with memories of him.
Oh, how I had missed him over the years.
“Where are the cute girls you spoke of, Sarah?” Joshua said, looking around with a puzzled expression.
His voice has deepened considerably while he had been away and I found myself mesmerized just listening to him speak. It was stupid to let myself get farther into my fantasies, but the logical part of my brain just couldn’t stop my heart wanting him.
Sarah slapped Joshua on the shoulder “I’m right here, stupid.”
She intended it to be a joke,
but I knew the truth. She had been given the ‘blessing’ of the other girls to be the one to get Joshua. Well, she insisted on it. She had a thing for him for sure, perhaps even more than that.
And I’d be forced to witness it happen.
“Joshua, you haven’t played this game before so I’ll tell you the rules, okay?” Sarah said. “The boys’ names are on a piece of paper in this hat and the girls’ on the other hat. First, we girls will pick a name from the girls’ hat and then the boy’s will pick a name from the boys’ hat. Then we all pick together what the two people have to do.”
“Sounds easy enough. But won’t we get to see who goes with who when people leave the group?” Joshua said.
“After the names have been picked, the girls and the boys will go into separate rooms, so we won’t know which two were chosen,” Sarah said, clearly lusting after Joshua as she explained the details of the game.
“Okay, sounds cool,” Joshua said.
No it doesn’t. Because I can’t go with you.
“What do we want people to do in the closet?” I said, trying to be a part of the game so no one would notice my mind being so absent from the naughty buildup of the game. As usual, there were many glances exchanged during this phase. Each one trying to sneak a peek at the one he or she wanted to go into the closet with. Flirting filled the air, and there weren’t any disillusions about what the other young adults sitting in the group were after.
“Kissing!” Sam and Jessica said almost instantly. When they noticed what they were saying, Sam looked away and Jessica blushed.
Well that couple wanted to get it on.
“Ok, I’ll put one for kissin’,” Sarah said while writing on a piece of paper. “What else? Second base sounds good right?” She looked directly at Joshua.
“Make it third as well,” a few of the boys chimed in while laughing.
“Girls, is this ok?” Sarah said, looking around.
After a few giggles, we girls agreed it that it would be quite acceptable.
A few more options were added. Nothing too naughty, but just racy enough for each of us to get the blood flowing in the right places.
“How about we up the ante a bit,” Joshua said mysteriously after no one else had anything more to suggest.
I looked directly at his blue eyes not knowing what his intentions were. “What do you mean?”
“How about we make this more interesting…” He left the ending out, causing murmuring in the group.
“Tell us,” Sarah egged him on.
Joshua looked around the group, focusing on each of us one at a time until he came to the last person he hadn’t looked at, me. My heart pounded in my chest. Blood flowed to my extremities, making me scared to move a muscle.
What did he mean?
His gaze finally moved away from me and back to Sarah. “Let’s add several of the ones we already wrote, but add a single special one to the mix… A home run if someone of us gets really lucky. Let’s make the odds like one in twenty.”
A few people gasped from what he had just said, but Sarah seemed to take into the idea. She leaned in a bit closer to Joshua, who sat next to him. “Do you think you’d be up for it, cutie?”
She pulled all the moves she could think of, but for me, her innuendos only made me feel sick to my stomach. I wasn’t sure if I could handle this game if he ended up with Sarah. The other girls were fine, but she was just too clear about wanting to get into Joshua’s pants. If Joshua wanted to get into the pants of some of the girls, fine, but I wouldn’t want to be next to him while it happened.
“The question is, are you?” Joshua smiled back at Sarah.
Argh!
I could throw up right about now. I moved my head away from them to stop to nausea in my stomach from reaching my throat.
“You’ll know,” Sarah flirted back at Joshua.
I had to stop it. I couldn’t be near her anymore.
“Let’s add it up and get the game going then?” I intervened.
“Who wants to draw for a name for the boys and who for the girls?” Sarah said, holding out the two hats for
everyone to see.
“I’ll take the boy’s name,” Sam said.
“I’ll pick a girl for you, Sam” I said winking at him.
Or I at least tried to wink. I didn’t feel so excited about the game, but I tried not to ruin the experience for the others.
Both us reached for the hat and drew a name. A lump in my throat stopped me in my tracks.
My name had been written on the paper as I glanced at it from beneath my fingers.
Fuck!
I couldn’t go with anyone besides Joshua, and that wasn’t about to happen. I’d have to try to be the only girl who wouldn’t be with anyone. It had to be the best possible outcome.
I looked at Joshua for a brief second, longing after his strong arms before I made my mind on what I needed to do. I crumbled and tore the paper in my hand and threw it in the trash when no one looked. I crossed my fingers no one saw the expression on my face when read the name on the paper.
“Which one of us draws what happens in the dark closet?” Sarah asked, clearly excited about the game. No doubt she had her plans ready for Joshua.
“I’ll draw it and take it to the closet,” Joshua volunteered.
Everyone looked at his expression when he saw what it said on the paper to get a hint of what it could be. But his face didn’t flinch. He only showed a shy smile.
“That’ll be a good one,” Joshua said.
“I wonder if it was one of the really naughty ones,” Sarah exclaimed.
“Joshua you can’t say it,” Jessica added.
“Yes, we all know the rules,” Sarah continued. “The paper will be placed on the closet door outside. The two people going into the closet will be the only ones to know what they have to do besides this cutie-pie, Joshua.”
Sarah almost leaned in to kiss Joshua, but stopped and gave him an uncomfortable looking hug instead.
I guess she really can’t keep herself away from him.
“Ok,” Sarah said, “let’s divide up to our rooms. Joshua will place go place the task on the door and after two minutes, the two people will go to the closet. Remember that the girls and the boys can’t speak until the two people have returned.”
The group separated to their own rooms and it I needed to tell the other girls whose name had been written on the paper.
“Grats Jessica, you’ll be the first one,” I said smiling at her.
“I hope it’s Sam. I hope it’s Sam,” she jumped in joy.
“I bet it is something naughty. It has to be,” I chimed in.
“Ready,” Joshua yelled.
“It could be him. Good luck Jessica,” I said, slapping her on the butt as she left the room.
The two other girls stayed in the room gossiping while I sneaked out. I knew it was against the rules, but I also knew I wasn’t going to take part anyway.
I walked to the kitchen and who did I find there. Joshua stood in front of the sink washing his shirt, which he had taken off. I moved back a bit, hiding behind the corner of the wall to keep looking at his shirtless body.
The shadows formed around his toned back made my crotch tingly. My eyes went from his black hair to his broad shoulders and all the way down to his cute butt. Argh, so cute! If I could just get to touch that I’d be forever happy.
“Sneaking at this age? I’m disappointed in you Amanda.”
What? Fuck fuck fuck!
He kept looking at the shirt that he washed.
“You would be the last person I would want to sneak up on, stepbrother.”
“Really? What was that just now then?”
“It was nothing. You are an idiot.”
He laughed. “I just caught you and yet you call me the idiot?”
“Shut up. Let me get my beer.”
“Drinking are we? Are you sure you can handle a beer, baby sis?”
“You are not the only who has grown up while you have been in college.”
“Ok, I’ll give that sis. You’ve grown up too.”
“What do you mean?”
He finally turned around to face me. “Nothing,” he said, with his stupid ass grin face.
What made the grin stupid was that it made my legs weak. I didn’t like it that he had that effect on me whenever he wanted. Not one bit.
Stupid-ass smile. Ugh!
“Whatever,” I said, grabbing a beer from the fridge. “How did you manage to ruin your fancy shirt, big man?”
He stopped rubbing the fabric. “It was actually that nice friend of yours, Sarah, who spilled her apple cider on me.”
I tried to hide the glee I felt, but I wasn’t successful.
“That’s not nice either. Shouldn’t smile on other people’s misfortune.”
“You get what you deserve, don’t you?” I kept staring at him and he knew I judged him from whatever it was that was going on between him and Sarah.
“If you are angry about Sarah trying to get into my pants, you should be more lucky I haven’t told you about what happens in college, sis.”
Argh! He does that on purpose. I swear he does!
“If you count using only your hand, then yes, that would be the totality of your ‘college experience’,” I said, making the air quotes with my fingers to heighten the sarcasm.
“You wish, sister.”
That is truer than you will ever now.
“I heard you gossiping with your friends earlier,” he said, “you are still a virgin huh?”
I looked away from him, trying to hide my face which became redder by the second. “That’s none of your business.”
“Hey, I’m just trying to look after you, despite what you think of me.”
Was that true? Had I let my feelings for him get in the way of seeing what he was really doing?
I hesitated a while, before turning back to see his blue eyes fixed on me. “Sarah isn’t a very nice person, you know?”
He continued washing his shirt. “I thought as much. The way she acts around me tells me she only wants to get into my pants. Despite what you, sis, might think of me, I’m not the kind of person people usually think I am. And that goes for you too.”
Had the boy who left me became a man while he had been away? Had he grown up so much he could see above our petty arguments?
I walked right next to him while he kept washing the shirt. “Yeah, you might be right. But you’ll soon regret saying that,” I said and poured some of my beer all over his shirt and him before I ran away from the kitchen.
“Heyyy, now I’ll need to get a shower. I will get you back for that, sis!”
I left him washing his newly ruined shirt with a big grin on my face and went back to the girls. Jessica had come back already and was telling the other girls about her experience.
“… and he is such a good kisser. I’m in heaven now,” Jessica screamed while the other girls listened in for every detail of what had happened.
“Amanda, you’ll never believe it. Sam had been in there with me,” Jessica said while she continued jumping with joy.
I flashed a genuine smile back at her. “That’s nice! So, will you have the courage to ask him out now?”
“We already have a date planned!”
The gossiping of what had happened in the closet between Jessica and Sam continued for a while until the boys returned to the same room with us.
“Did you take a shower, Joshua?” Amanda said.
“Well, I had to,” Joshua said, his piercing blue eyes sending daggers towards me.
“Who’s ready for round two?” Sarah said.
We gathered around the circle the same way we did before.
“Would you like to pick out the boy’s name, Joe,” Sarah said, pushing the hat towards him.
Joe looked nervous. “I guess…”
“Good,” Sarah said, “how about this time I’ll pick the girl’s name.” She didn’t wait for anyone to answer before she picked a name from the hat.
“That’s settled then,” I said, trying to hide my frustration of her actions. �
�Who chooses what happens?”
Choosing what happened had always been the one thing that no one wanted to do. If it called for too much, the people going in the closet might not like you afterwards. It didn’t matter that it’s just luck of the draw; people would still be hesitant of being the one picking.
“Fine, I’ll do it again. You are a bunch of pussies, all of ya,” Joshua said, picking a piece of paper from the hat.
The boys left the room, and as soon as they had closed the door behind them, Sarah revealed the name of the girl. “It’s you Amanda.”
What?
I know I tore up the piece of paper with my name on it. What on earth went on in that girl’s head? I couldn’t reveal that my name had already been called either.
“Can I see the name, Sarah?” I said.
“Sorry, already threw it away,” she said. The expression on her face told me she wanted to ruin me somehow. Perhaps she was setting me up with Joe, whom I didn’t like and she most definitely knew that.
The way I stared back at her, she must have noticed the coldness in my eyes, but she didn’t appear to care about that.
Fuck her. Seriously. Fuck her and her games.
We exchanged glances for a long while before I finally spoke up. “Fine then, I’ll go,” I said before I got up.
I pulled up my jeans a bit higher as I got up from the floor, as to not show my thong. I wasn’t about to do anything in the closet, I knew that for damn sure. I’d had to make up some excuse and hope that however ended up with me in the closet would understand and wouldn’t tell on me.
I tried swallowing the lump building up in my throat, but it didn’t work. My anxiety had returned, causing my hands to shake.
The door to the basement opened just enough for a narrow streak of light to illuminate a part of the stairs below. I paused for a second in front of the door. Why did I do this? I would only break my own heart kissing someone else than Joshua. But it might also mean that I’ll get over him more quickly.
Fuck it.
I took one step down to the stairs, the creaking of the wooden stairs sounding my entrance to the basement. I didn’t know if the boy had already made his way in the closet or not, but if he had, he would now someone was coming.