by Jeane Watier
“Yes.”
Oh…
“I’m not judging you, Jace.”
I know, but still…it’s weird.
“There are no new thoughts. Only new combinations of thoughts. There’s no right or wrong, either.”
Jace frowned. We’re going to have to discuss that one a bit more, but right now I want to talk about something you said the other night.
“About lining up with what you want?”
Yeah, he replied, still staggered that she knew his thoughts almost before he did. You said I have to determine what I want. But I don’t know how to do that when there’s so much to consider.
“It’s not hard to figure out what you want.”
Great, Jace exclaimed, expecting to hear something new and profound. How do I do it?
“You can tell by how you feel.”
That’s it?
“That’s all you need, Jace. You have an emotional guidance system that serves you well. You need to practice listening to it.”
I’ve been trying, he argued. And I’m more confused than ever.
“What do you want in a relationship?”
It wasn’t a difficult question, yet Jace’s defenses went up. He started to object, reminding Sophie that his situation was more complicated than most, when he realized he was arguing for his limitations. Moreover, he wasn’t being entirely honest with himself. I guess what I want is…someone like Cassandra.
“What is it that you like about her?”
Everything…except that she’s rich.
“Don’t you want to be rich someday?”
Yeah, he asserted. Someday…but that doesn’t help me right now. And it doesn’t change the fact that my mom works for her family.
“Let’s go back to the question,” Sophie suggested. “What do you like about her?”
You mean specifically?
“Yes,” Sophie replied. “I want you to think of all the qualities you like about her. Write them down. That will be a good place to start.”
But why? Jace was arguing again, but he couldn’t help it. He felt he deserved to know where the conversation was leading.
“You said you want someone like Cassandra,” Sophie explained patiently. “So you’ll need to determine what qualities you like in her. Then you can begin to look for them in someone else.”
I don’t want someone else, Jace blurted, the realization slapping him in the face. I want her!
“There you go,” Sophie imparted somewhat smugly. “Now you know what you want. That wasn’t too hard, was it?”
CASSANDRA HAD CRIED all her tears and was ready to move forward. She’d resolved to set aside the knowledge about the missing jewelry and act on it only if it came up. She wanted to feel good, wanted to apply what she’d learned from her aunt. Accusing Jace, thinking of him in such a defamatory way, didn’t feel good at all. Not only that, but knowing how highly her aunt had regarded him, Cassandra was happy to honor her by letting the issue rest.
She spent the remainder of the week going through the boxes she and Trevor had brought back to the Town House. Finding a clue to the fifth principle was still on her mind, but more than anything she was eager to learn what she could about the dear woman through a closer look at her papers and personal items.
Untying a bundle of envelopes, Cassandra found letter after letter from people expressing thanks for Sophia’s contribution to their lives. At first, she assumed the contribution they were referring to was monetary, but reading further she discovered that what most of the people were thankful for was friendship and advice. The kind words from strangers, all expressing a similar sentiment, gave Cassandra a candid glimpse of her aunt’s life, and an idea began to grow. She shared it with her father that afternoon.
“I want to do something with this information, Daddy. I want to write her story. I think the world would benefit from knowing the real Sophia Langdon. She touched so many lives. She made a difference one person at a time. Maybe…,” Cassandra acknowledged, feeling the truth of it as never before. “Maybe this is what I’m meant to do.” She could see herself conducting research, interviewing people who had known her aunt—particularly those whose names she’d found on the letters—and compiling the information in a book. But it would be more than just an account of Sophia’s life. “I want to find a way to combine her story and her beliefs.” She began to think out loud. “Something more captivating than a biography, more personal than a self-help guide.”
“Kitten…” Her father gazed at her with pride and affection. “Would you like to say a few words at the service tomorrow? It might be fitting to let the community know what kind of woman Sophia was. I know it’s last minute, and it’s totally up to you, but…”
“I’d be honored to, Daddy,” Cassandra smiled, already thinking about what she wanted to say. Her aunt had given her a wonderful gift, and she wanted to give something back. “Aunt Sophia may be gone, but I’m going to do what I can to see that her memory lives on.”
JACE DIDN’T MIND going to the party alone. Given his revelation earlier, he wasn’t into hooking up with another girl anytime soon. As he got ready, he tried to resolve his feelings. It wasn’t easy. Knowing what he wanted, or rather who he wanted, didn’t bring him much satisfaction. He couldn’t see when or how it could ever happen.
“It never feels good to try to figure out those details.”
Jace could distinguish Sophie’s advice from his own thoughts. He was beginning to see that she was a part of him and not some strange metaphysical anomaly. You’re right, he replied. So how do I go about it?
“You know what you want. Your work is to think about your desire in a way that feels good.”
But if I can’t think about when or how… Jace drew a blank; he didn’t know what else to focus on.
“Why do you want to be with her?”
Why? Jace frowned. Because it feels good.
“Tell me more,” she urged.
I don’t have to, he joked. You already know everything.
“Do it for you, then.”
Okay, Jace shrugged, trusting her enough to do as she asked. The first time I saw her. I mean really looked at her, he emphasized, I’d never seen anyone so beautiful in my life. I couldn’t erase her image from my mind. I dreamed about her… He flushed, knowing Sophie was aware of the contents of his most personal dreams. I’m not going into details, though.
“What was the essence of it?”
I felt like she was my soul mate, he admitted. But I still don’t understand that.
“That’s what I meant about you and Cassandra being the same in here.”
Hey, he laughed as he felt a poke on his chest again. How do you do that?
“I could give you a complicated scientific explanation,” she offered, “but basically it’s just energy moving.”
The subject fascinated him, and Jace intended to ask more about it at some point, but for now he wanted to know how he could be with Cassandra.
“You don’t know how,” Sophie reminded him. “And asking that question doesn’t feel good, does it?”
No, he conceded, realizing how ingrained his old patterns of thinking were.
“Remember, your goal is always to reach for thoughts that feel better. Asking why is a good place to start. Ask yourself why you want to be with her, and then focus on the details that feel good. Or you might try some ‘what if’ statements.”
What if statements?
“Yes,” she replied. “Like, what if I’m wrong about her family? What if I’m wrong about what others will think? What if being with her makes up for all the potential wrongs. What if being with Cassandra turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to me?”
“Wow,” Jace exclaimed aloud. “That was great!”
“That’s your work, Jace. To continue to find thoughts that make you feel that good.”
“That didn’t feel like work at all.” His adrenaline was pumping. “It felt amazing!” I can do that, he declared confidently. I
can ask those questions. I thought I had to focus on the situation, as complicated as it is, and try to find a way to feel good about it. But this, he asserted, this is something different altogether. This is thinking about what could be instead of what is. It leaves me with endless possibilities!
Jace’s outlook shifted radically. All of a sudden he saw what could be and how to achieve it. A relationship with Cassandra no longer seemed impossible. Succeeding in life—even becoming a pilot—began to feel attainable. He’d caught a glimpse of the bigger picture, and he’d never look at anything the same way again.
CHAPTER 18
CASSANDRA SPENT a quiet evening reading Sophia’s letters, reflecting on the time they’d had together, and compiling the information she wanted to include in her tribute. In a way it would be a mini version, a preview of what her book was to be about. While she felt it was important to highlight Sophia’s life, her charitable work, and her altruistic spirit, she wanted those attending the funeral to be introduced to what her aunt believed.
She read over the notes she’d taken during their visits. The principles she’d received were life-changing; they were powerful, yet Cassandra still felt disappointment over what seemed like an incomplete teaching. She wished she’d had more time with her aunt. The woman was wise; she’d helped Cassandra see her desires more clearly. She could use that wisdom as thoughts of Jace continued to pull her in opposite directions.
As she got lost in her introspection, she recalled something her aunt had said. Excitement emerged as she realized she’d had the voice recorder with her during that visit; the words she was trying to recall were on tape. Finding it, she replayed the conversation.
“Some things need to be believed to be seen.”
Cassandra stopped the device. She remembered correcting her aunt, assuming the old woman was confused. It was me who was confused. I had it wrong, she acknowledged. I was stuck in a mindset that didn’t question, didn’t challenge the status quo. She turned the recorder on again, wanting to hear more and enjoying the sound of her beloved aunt’s voice.
“Once you believe, you’ll start to see all kinds of things differently.”
The words sent a shiver down her spine. She’d seen the results that a change in thinking could bring. The relationship between her father and brother was miles from where it had been two weeks earlier. She realized that the same wisdom could be applied to her dilemma with Jace. Her current belief allowed for only one possible outcome, and she wanted to change that, wanted to expand her thinking.
What would happen if I believed differently? I want to, she declared. I want to believe in Jace. I want to see this whole thing in a new light.
Cassandra sighed. She didn’t know how to do what she wanted to do. Nevertheless, she was determined to remain open minded. She turned the recorder on again, hoping to find something relevant.
“Don’t overlook the obvious, my dear. Sometimes what you’re looking for is right in front of you.”
Again, something told her that her aunt’s advice applied to the current situation. Am I overlooking something obvious here? Something to do with Jace? She replayed the conversation several times, listening carefully, trying to read between the lines, but the words remained a mystery. Setting the thoughts aside, Cassandra finished working on the eulogy. She went to bed that night satisfied that she’d captured on paper the feelings she held in her heart. The picture she intended to paint of Sophia Langdon would accurately portray the extraordinary human being Cassandra had come to know.
JACE TRIED TO enjoy himself at Chad’s party, but his heart wasn’t in it. It wasn’t where he wanted to be. He stayed until his presence, or lack of it, wouldn’t be noticed and then slipped out. All he could think about was talking with Sophie. As he walked home, he addressed his friend. Sophie, are you there?
“I’m always here, Jace,” she answered lovingly.
I know you said that before, he acknowledged, but it still blows me away that I can talk to you like this.
“You didn’t seem to enjoy yourself at the party.”
No, I didn’t. Something’s changed. Admitting it to Sophie brought up questions. Will I ever be the same again? I mean, can I ever go to a party like that and have fun like I used to?
“You can be or do anything you want, Jace. You get to decide. The difference is that now you can base that decision on whether it feels good or not.”
Yeah, but I used to look forward to a party for days, and talk about it for weeks. Tonight, I was bored; I couldn’t wait to leave. There was no one there I wanted to talk to. And mindless drinking seems so… Jace shook his head. He was having a hard time believing let alone understanding his sudden change of heart.
“It’s your focus that’s changed, that’s all. It doesn’t mean you’ll never have fun again. You’ll find immense joy in life’s activities now that you know how. Let your feelings be your guide. You can’t get it wrong.”
I like that, Jace nodded, feeling uplifted. I can’t get it wrong.
“It’s because we’re eternal,” she explained. “We never stop having desires, never cease creating. Therefore there’s no such thing as a mistake. Everything is just an experience. Sometimes those experiences cause contrast in our lives, but it’s the contrast that helps us know more clearly what we want.”
Like me not having money has helped me know how much I want it.
“Exactly. We come to this time-space reality to have creative life experiences. What we create is irrelevant. That’s why we can’t get it wrong. It’s the feeling of birthing a desire, lining up with it, and seeing it come to fruition that produces joy. It’s not having the stuff—although that can bring pleasure, too.”
Is that why they say money doesn’t lead to happiness? he inquired.
“Yes,” Sophie replied. “But what they don’t tell you is that happiness can lead to money.”
Jace laughed. He loved what he was hearing. Not only did it ring true to the very core of his being, it made him extremely happy. It’s weird, he noted. I feel so good right now, so fulfilled, like I have everything I could ever want. And yet I still don’t have the things I’ve been dreaming of.
“Once you feel that good through the power of focus, you no longer need manifestations to make you happy. You’re already there. It’s ironic, but that’s when all you desire can start to come to you.”
Really! You mean I’m that close to getting what I want?
“As long as you can hold on to that feeling and not stop to notice that what you want isn’t here yet, then yes, you’re very close.”
If that’s true, I can’t lose! Jace exclaimed, enjoying the high he was on. I get to feel amazing, while I wait for the stuff I want to come to me. I like how this works.
“It really is a perfect plan.”
“Sophie,” Jace proclaimed once he was inside his apartment, “you’re amazing! No wonder I’d rather spend time with you than a room full of boring humans.” He’d just had more fun talking to Sophie than he’d ever had at a party. It was a different kind of fun. It was deep and fulfilling, and it left him exhilarated and clear minded rather than hung over.
An idea came to mind, and he smiled at the absurdity of it. “Sophie?”
“Yes, Jace.”
“I’ve got some free time tomorrow afternoon. What say you and I go to your funeral?”
“I’m looking forward to it.”
AS CASSANDRA awoke to the morning sun streaming through her window, a dream was still holding images and emotions captive in her mind. Though she knew she should get up and prepare for the busy day ahead, she lay there a little longer, attempting to analyze it. I was looking at a picture of Aunt Sophia…and Jace was there. She’d gazed at the picture with such love and appreciation and then felt but not seen Jace, as though he were standing behind her. I wonder what that means? Could it be symbolic? Could Jace’s presence represent his innocence? But he was behind me, she contended. He was out of sight. Is it because he’s still here but not me
ant to be a part of my life…or is it because he’s gone and is nothing more than a memory to me?
“Don’t overlook the obvious, my dear. Sometimes what you’re looking for is right in front of you.” Sophia’s advice echoed in her head
I don’t understand, Cassandra frowned. What’s so obvious here that I’m missing? Try as she might, she couldn’t come up with anything that made sense. She decided to let the thoughts go. They were confusing, and she wanted to be clear minded and focused. It was a day to honor her great aunt, to say her last farewell. Cassandra wiped a tear from her eye, admonishing herself. Getting weepy is no way to honor anyone. She determined to stay strong and let her strength and confidence be a tribute to Sophia.
After lunch, the limousine arrived to take them to the community center where the memorial service was being held. The building was in an older part of town, not far from where Sophia had lived. The hall was used for community functions. It also housed a senior’s club and once a month provided a hot breakfast for the homeless. Cassandra wondered what part her aunt had played in her community and what significance the place had held for her. It must have held some, she concluded. She must have had good reason for choosing to have her service there.
As they pulled up in front, Cassandra understood why. People were lined up outside the door. There were people she knew—friends of her parents, and others she’d met at society functions—but the rest she suspected were locals.
“Wow,” her mother exclaimed. “Everybody and his dog is showing up today.”
“They must have known her,” Cassandra objected. “Why else would they be here?”
“A society funeral in this neighborhood?” Helen shook her head. “People probably came out to gawk.”
“You may be surprised, Helen,” Richard Van Broden addressed his wife. “I think there’s a lot about Sophia we don’t know.”
“I just hope there are no unpleasant surprises,” she continued in her negative tone. “I’ll be glad when this day is over.”
The limousine was directed to a designated parking spot and the family ushered in a side entry away from the crowd. They were shown to a room with several shuffleboard tables and a large wall of tattered books. The four of them looked at one another, and Trevor quickly pulled chairs down from a stack in the corner so they could sit.