Janlin winced. He wasn’t speaking quietly or making any effort to guard his words. She shushed him, her secret safe only because of the joyful chaos around them.
“Would it make any difference? If she’s not coming, she’s not coming,” Janlin said.
Gordon looked ready to shout, or cry, his mouth tight and his eyebrows pinched. Finally, he just turned and stalked away. Janlin let out a long breath.
Stepper walked up. “What was that about?”
“He’s grieving. This is probably the worst news he could hear,” Janlin replied.
Stepper regarded her. “It just seemed there was more anger in that exchange than grief.”
Janlin rubbed her face with both hands. “He is angry. What he would give to have Ursula here now . . .”
“Makes us pretty lucky.”
Janlin blushed. “I should get back to what I was doing,” she said.
Stepper smiled and nodded, letting her go. He really was on his best behaviour, although she puzzled for a while over a certain look of relief she’d caught on his face.
That night, Janlin stayed on the outskirts of the celebration. Both her mind and her stomach kept doing little flips at the idea of being fertile again, but the party didn’t fit her mood at all. She’d searched for Gordon and been unable to find him. She let out a heavy sigh and sipped on her drink.
Many people had paired off in the time on Huantag, and for them this was a huge opportunity. Unfortunately, it made them more comfortable and less likely to want to leave. Janlin wondered if people would fight against going home if Anaya did show up.
Worse was the effect this announcement had on Gordon. As the days and then weeks had passed and no word came over the alien device Janlin carried, Gordon had become more and more withdrawn.
Janlin rose and left the common area to wander the clean hard-packed streets, away from the noise, away from any sense of celebration. Should she reveal her strange alliance, or just stay quiet now that it didn’t look to be coming to anything? Did she go off and put the entire planet in danger on the chance that Anaya was there, and for some reason unable to reach her? Did she just let go of all of it, and settle into this beautiful sanctuary with clean air and abundant food and fresh water and—the biggest one—a chance to raise children unencumbered by SpaceOp and famine and an uninhabitable planet? Not one answer seemed right, so, just as she had for days upon days, she did nothing but wait.
Finally, she reached the structure she called home and leaned against the cool adobe.
A shadow moved and became a man on the far side of the walkway.
Stepper stood alone in the light of the intermittent globes. His gaze, his silence, his presence told her everything. She could have him if she would. If she set aside all the regret and anger and betrayal and guilt, he would be hers again.
As soon as she took a step towards him, he moved too, closing the distance between them. The sounds of revelry rose and fell in the distance, the smells of packed clay and cooked meat and soaped bodies and linen cloth joined the new blooms of desert flowers and the pine-like scrub.
They stopped within reach of each other, his face half in shadow now, his expression serious.
“I love you, Janlin Kavanagh.”
“I love you, too, and you know it.”
His eyes widened. “No, I didn’t. I thought I’d thoroughly trampled on your love until it became irrevocable hate.”
Janlin shrugged, looked away, looked back. “It’s a fine line, they say.”
Stepper held out his hand to her. She looked at the hand, at him, at the sky. She had to know.
“Have you completely given up on going home?”
She caught the flicker of disappointment as his hand dropped to his side. “All we have is this moment. No one can take that away, no matter what else might come later. Why not treasure this little slice of freedom?”
“I’m scared to let go, to enjoy it. I feel like I’d be giving in, and I would forget all those back home that are struggling to survive. Besides, if I relax into something good, something else will come along and rip it all away. Every time I start to believe—”
Stepper stepped closer. “Shhhhh,” he said, lifting her chin with one gentle finger. His touch quickened her pulse, just as it always had.
“You will never stop fighting for a way home, and I wouldn’t want you to,” he said. “Nothing should change that—it means you are always full of hope.”
She took his face in her hands and kissed him then. He was right, and they were here, now, together. What if they could never leave? What if this was it?
“Stepper,” she said against his hair. “There’s something I have to tell you.” He pulled her tight against him and kissed her so thoroughly her body tingled and her head spun.
“What is it?” he asked.
Janlin’s mind stumbled back to reality, resisting every step of the way. “I . . .” She didn’t want to start, knowing it would change everything, spoil this night of celebration.
Stepper looked at her in concern, then took her by the hand and knelt down on one knee.
“Whatever it is, it will wait for tomorrow,” he said. “Tonight, I want to chase away all your fears, all your worries, everything. Just for tonight. Is that okay?”
She clasped both her hands over his and pulled him up with a little laugh. “I think that’s exactly what I need.”
She gave herself to the moment. Just this once, she thought, and then her thoughts escaped, lost to the sensation of touching, and being touched.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
GORDON FOUND HER at breakfast.
“Have a good time?”
Heat rose on her face. “Not like I haven’t slept with him before, Gordon,” she said, glancing up at him to see how he really meant it. Judging by his pensive face, his big brother act would come next.
“I just can’t believe you went back to him, after all the complaining—”
She laid a hand over his arm. “I know it’s stupid, and I know it’s not fair to you, and I don’t even know if I’ve gone back to him or just allowed a one-night fling. Can we just let it go for now?”
Gordon sighed. “I’m sorry, Jan. It’s just . . .” He sat down hard and stared into his mug.
“I know, Spin, I know. Would it make you feel any better to know that I’m going to tell him?”
Gordon’s eyes widened. “Yes, that would make me feel better. So, when?”
“Soon. I was going to tell him this morning, but he was up and gone before I had a chance.”
“Hmmm,” was all Gordon said.
So, wanting to be true to her downcast friend, Janlin went in search of Stepper, despite feeling like an awkward teenager after a first date. She found him and Captain Inaba discussing resources of the planet and what they could produce to make themselves independent. Janlin debated using that as an excuse to leave it until later. She knew Stepper wouldn’t be impressed by her decision to withhold such information from him.
That choice was made for her, however. When Stepper looked up and saw her, he made his excuses and came right over.
“Walk with me for a bit?” she asked, and he smiled and agreed. If he was going to have his moment of being hurt, let him have it out of prying eyes. He’d get over it.
“Are you . . . okay with last night?” he asked, his voice tentative.
Janlin wondered. Was she?
Yes.
It was in the way she longed to touch him, to hold his hand, to finally come clean with him about Anaya. So, she pulled him into the shade of a tree and kissed him, her heart soaring, his arms pulling her close. When they came up for air she stepped back and faced him square on.
“I’m determined not to put off talking to you about this anymore,” she announced.
His bemused face was enough to make her want to start another kiss. Then she began to wonder just how to explain things.
“See, Gordon refuses to give up hope of going home, and can you blame him�
�”
Stepper stepped back from her. “There’s nothing to hope for any more, Janlin! Can’t you see that? Gordon is just going to have to deal with it.”
Shocked, Janlin stared at him as the backlash of Stepper’s words hit her. Gone was the soft voice of the night before. Gone was the understanding and support. “It’s not true, if you’d just listen—” she started, but he wasn’t having any of it.
“If it is Gordon you really want, why did you bother to sleep with me?”
“What?” Janlin shook her head, her mind stumbling away from her confession in reaction to his words. “Space me, Stepper Jordan, you are one sick puppy, you know that?”
Whether he heard her or not, she’d never know, because he walked away and rounded a bend, back to his discussion of life on Huantag.
That’s when she understood his strange reaction from yesterday afternoon. Stepper worried that without Ursula around, she and Gordon would hook up. Any conflict between them was, in that light, good news. And now, for her to start her explanation with Gordon’s problems was simply too much for Stepper.
“IT’S OFFICIAL. I’M a complete idiot.”
Gordon looked ready to make some smart remark. In fact, Janlin counted on it. But his will to even try seemed to drain away as she watched.
“What happened?” he asked instead.
Janlin just shook her head, not trusting her voice. “Come for a walk?”
They wandered out onto the plains, headed in a roundabout way to their favourite rock pile. So often they’d sat out here and examined Anaya’s device, discussing possibilities, trying different settings, calling out again and again. Was that why Stepper thought she had something with Gordon?
She told him of Stepper’s accusations.
Gordon choked on his astonishment. “Really, the wanker said that? Bloody hell.”
“I know! And he just wouldn’t listen to another word I had to say.”
“So, you didn’t tell him then,” Gordon said.
Janlin sputtered her protest. “I couldn’t get a word in edgewise before he walked away!”
Gordon stared into the distance, clearly brooding. Janlin felt like arguing, but she realized that if she’d really wanted Stepper to know, she could’ve just pulled out the comm-unit and shoved it in his face. That would’ve shut him up.
“Is he right? Do you feel that way about me?” Gordon asked out of the blue.
Janlin gaped for a moment, cutting off her immediate reaction of scorn. If he was serious—and he sure looked serious—then answering in a flippant manner would only hurt his feelings. Still, honesty was called for.
“I love you like a brother, Gordon. That’s all.” She watched his face. “Do you . . . ?”
Gordon shook his head, but his eyes glinted strange in the sun. “What if we’re stuck here? What then?”
Janlin caught his attention, held his gaze. “I could never be your Ursula.”
His face crumpled, and he turned away, occasionally knuckling his eyes as they sat in the light of the morning sun. Janlin took out the comm-unit and turned it over and over in her hands.
“I’m gonna have to take down the shields,” she finally said.
Gordon shifted around, but he didn’t look at her, didn’t challenge her.
“What if this thing is broken or dead and Anaya’s out there waiting? We have to try something! We’ve done the honourable thing and asked politely for help and it got us nowhere.”
Gordon sucked in a deep breath. “You’re right.”
“What? Really? I was kinda counting on you to be my conscience.”
“No. You’re right. We’ve no other options left. We’ve got to take out the Huantag shields.”
Janlin sat speechless for a long moment. “Okay, good. So, if you were building a shield generator and the controls to run it, where would you put them?”
“In orbit.”
It sucked to see Gordon this low. “Yeah, I get that, but there would need to be something down here too. Falco even said something about it being both. Do you think we can do it from here?”
Gordon had no answers for her, and they sat awhile longer with nothing else to say. Finally, they rose to go take their duty shifts in the village.
“They’ll be watching us,” Gordon said as they trudged through the dust.
Janlin sighed. “I know. We’ll just have to do what we can.”
Everything looked hopeless, and the hurt of Stepper’s latest outburst only left her feeling desperate. Still, looking at Gordon made her realize just how much harder all of this could be. Every single day that passed by tore him apart a little more.
Their feet left the raw dusty plains and found hard-packed paths.
“See ya later,” Janlin said.
“Yeah, see ya.”
“Oh, and Gordon?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for not saying I told you so.”
STEPPER WAITED IN the shadows by her door that night. Warring feelings swamped her.
“I’m sorry I was impatient earlier,” he said. “I know Gordon is hurting, I know you two are close, I know you feel we’re giving up on going home. But I think we have to, Janni. We have to make the best of this, and fighting it will make the Birdfolk mistrust us.”
“We simply cannot give up,” she said, sure of that if nothing else. “I won’t, for Gordon and Ursula in particular, but for all the people back on those Orbitals . . . and on Earth! . . . who still need help. While I live and breathe, I will try to find a way home.”
He went very still. “I love you, I desire you, you say you love me . . . can’t that be enough?” he said.
She closed her eyes and tipped her head to lean against the warm adobe wall. “It should be. I want it to be.” She opened her eyes to find him studying her. “I wish it were that simple. Or that we shared the same goals.”
He sighed. “Yeah, I hear that. I’m sorry that we can’t enjoy this place without feeling so guilty.”
“We wouldn’t feel guilty if we were still trying to get help for those back home. If one or two of us could go back to the Imag, steal the Hope . . .”
“Janlin, sweetie, we won’t be leaving the planet,” he said, his voice grave. He took up her hand and drew her near. “There are shields in place, and rules that the Birdfolk take very seriously. They won’t allow any travel off-world, that’s their sacred law. They let us come here, got us away from the Imag, now we have to honour their ways.”
Of course. He didn’t know that she knew all this already, and thought he was breaking bad news to her. News that would convince her to give up on going home. She let him draw her into his arms, needing the comfort, wondering if somehow it could be okay to be with him, to live here, to let go of trying against all odds.
“I’m still not sure,” she said, her voice muffled in his shirt. He squeezed.
“I know. And I’m sorry for how awful this is for Gordon. Does that have to destroy our happiness?”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
THE HOUSES GROWN for them in the Huantag city were finally completed, and everyone flew in to attend the ceremony. Most of the scientists had expressed interest in living there to better study the Birdfolk’s physiology. Still, many chose to stay in the village, having grown comfortable there.
They all flew together. Janlin saw grins flashing back and forth at the amazing experience of a few dozen humans traveling through the air with huge wings extended out over their backs. As they neared the city, Huantag rose to meet them and lead them out to the meadow where their new homes were. Tyrell called out to Teardrop, waving and pointing, his grin so wide it was ridiculous.
Janlin grimaced. She wanted to tell the youngster off. Have you forgotten about Earth, and those left behind? Have you forgotten the fact that we were supposed to return with hope for those people?
Gordon’s eyes flashed and his brow furrowed. She could see the thunder brooding, and she wondered if Stepper would live through the storm when Gordon’s temper
finally erupted.
Janlin’s eyes popped at the change in the once empty meadow. Now grand structures filled the nature clearing, some with straight walls like the humans had described for them, with shining windows and peaked roofs, others done in the dome shape like the adobe huts. In addition, the area also thronged with Huantag of all ages, colours, and sizes. An area stood ready, kept clear for them to land, and another looked to be a stage or presentation area.
Once all safely on the ground, they were led again by their guides through the crowds. Huantag children swept by in a twittering group, their wings still unformed and their plumage fluffy, legs pumping as they ran.
“They are so adorable!” Teardrop said, misty-eyed. “I can’t believe how many have come to this celebration for us.”
“It’s quite the gathering,” Janlin agreed. Their guides directed them to benches set in rows at the front of the audience. Stepper moved in close, then maneuvered to sit right in between her and Gordon. Janlin frowned at his rudeness, but Gordon turned to chat with Teardrop, and she didn’t want to start an argument, so she let it go.
On the other side of the open area before them stood the first houses Janlin had seen only a few weeks before. Now, instead of just wire frames, they resembled half-boulders squatting on the ground. Within, however, she knew they held all the amenities of a Huantag household—running water, plumbing, power, heating and cooling, and shielded doors and windows.
The lighting changed, and the crowd quieted. With no preliminary speech or introduction, Huantag burst into the open area in elaborate costumes, spinning and flying around in a frantic dance that stirred Janlin’s blood. Music with unusual sounds and rhythms but a solid beat filled the area. She could feel the bass notes in the ground under her feet.
Aquila stepped into the light on one side of the dancing just as the music settled into a background hum. He was the largest, darkest Huantag they’d seen, and so clearly suited to being their leader. He stood regal and tall, gaining attention despite the whirl of dancers.
Jumpship Hope Page 20