The next thing I had to think about was – what was I going to wear? Well, I’ve been given it for the business that I’m in, so I should wear something that represents Ultimo. I know, I’ll design a corset, I thought. A very sophisticated, outerwear corset, mind. I wouldn’t dream of meeting the Queen in my underwear!
So I turned my hand to designing this beautiful black creation which had a lace detail at the top and panels that ran down the side to emphasise my curves. I also made a hat, delicately woven in leopard print – it had a wide brim and I finished it off with a scattering of pheasant feathers. It was beautiful. I complemented the outfit with fitted black trousers, a floor-length black velvet coat and, of course, black Louboutin heels. I had fun choosing the outfits for the kids and I helped Michael pick a suit.
We all travelled down to London together and I remember it being bitterly cold when we arrived at Buckingham Palace. We were ushered into one of the grand halls, which had gold-painted walls and a red carpet. I had butterflies as I watched everyone go up in turn to get their OBEs and MBEs. It was such a humbling moment to be around all these incredible people who had contributed so much in one way or another.
They called my name and my heart leapt out of my chest. I gave my kids a huge grin as I stood up and made my way down the red carpet to be handed my medal by Princess Anne. It didn’t seem real. I’d launched Ultimo in Selfridges just over ten years ago and now I was being honoured for my contribution to business, being one of the three most successful female entrepreneurs in the country and creating a company worth multi-millions and achieving over a billion pounds worth of press coverage.
I walked out of the Palace into a sea of press and photographers. ‘Michelle, just one more,’ the paps called out. ‘Over here, Michelle.’ The press wanted to interview me and take pictures of me holding the OBE before we could do the official family photo.
‘That’s it. We are not waiting any longer,’ Michael ordered. He said the kids were freezing and he’d had enough.
‘Hang on, I want an official picture with me and the kids and you,’ I pleaded.
The press photos were just a formality. The family picture meant the most to me, something I would be able keep on my mantelpiece forever.
‘No, let’s go,’ Michael said and walked off.
I was heartbroken. I’d never be able to get that moment back. We went on to Scott’s restaurant in Mayfair, one of my favourite restaurants, where Michael and I proceeded to have a massive row.
It was supposed to be this amazing celebration. I’d planned it to be the perfect day, but it was so not. We were sitting in this fancy restaurant but everyone was in a mood. Michael and I weren’t speaking and the kids were grumpy, thinking, Why are we here? Don’t get me wrong – receiving the OBE was incredible – but I went back to Glasgow, took my hat off and thought, I don’t know why I bothered. I swept my disappointment under the carpet as I had done so many times before and got on with doing what I’d been given an OBE for.
We’d done a second shoot with Peaches in a fairground but not long after those pictures came out, Peaches appeared in a different sort of photo shoot. I picked up the News of the World on a Sunday in March 2010 and said, ‘Jesus Christ!’ Splattered across the paper were topless pictures of Peaches with a large plaster covering her thigh, taken by some guy who claimed to have had a heroin-fuelled, one-night stand with her in the previous November.
I called an emergency meeting. ‘What are we going to do? This is a nightmare,’ I started. Peaches was promoting our brand to teenagers who looked up to her. To see her with needle marks everywhere wasn’t good for her image. ‘Why is she doing this?’ I shook my head in sadness. It was tragic. It was also very much out of the blue because I’d never sensed Peaches was into that kind of stuff and I hadn’t seen any marks on her body during our shoots.
At our directors’ meeting the next morning we discussed the number of emails from unhappy customers as a result of the story. The emails were saying things like, ‘You have a responsibility, Michelle, to get shot of this girl’ and ‘I don’t want my daughter looking at her thinking this behaviour is acceptable.’
And then came the emails from the big buyers who were taking Peaches’ pictures out of the stores. ‘We want to know what your position is,’ they demanded. I dropped my head into my hands. I felt under incredible pressure as well as deeply sorry for Peaches. Being a mum myself I felt so concerned for her future. When someone is down you should never boot them in the face. I’d been kicked many times by the press and I knew what it was like. I felt really, really bad but I had no choice but to terminate her contract.
I sent a letter to Peaches and to her management as well, saying: ‘I wish you all the best, but I have to do this, being a founder of this brand. I hope everything is fine and that we could remain friends.’
Her management were so nice with their response. They said: ‘Michelle, we understand and we really appreciate what you’ve done for Peaches.’
The media like to exaggerate things and say I sacked her but that wasn’t the case. There was no fall out – I was really concerned and worried about her. But at the end of the day I had to protect the brand and say that needle marks are not acceptable and heroin use is not acceptable because we have a responsibility to teenagers. The whole thing was deeply sad.
20
TAKING THE PLUNGE
Believe in yourself. Just believe.
The whole episode with Peaches came at a pivotal moment in my life. I’d been asked to star in a new TV show called 71 Degrees North, which follows ten celebrities as they try to make it to the North Cape, Norway, at 71 degrees north of the equator. None of the other TV work I’d done was anything like this. I’d starred in Celebrity Apprentice for Comic Relief but this was something else. This was going to be a month living in a tent in Arctic conditions.
I couldn’t believe they were asking me. Me – who has blow-dries three times a week and is used to all the luxury and comforts of a millionaire lifestyle. Why not me? I thought. I’d been to hell and back in nearly losing the company and nothing could ever be as bad as that. Walking through a bit of snow certainly wouldn’t come close, so what did I have to fear? Plus now I’d lost just over five stone, I had a chance to get fit with it.
I told my mum I’d be living in a tent for a month, without washing my hair, without restaurants, wearing no make-up (because it would freeze) and – most importantly – no Blackberry. She said, ‘I’ll help you pack your bags.’ Her response followed on from the chat I’d had with my parents about turning into a diva. Mum thought that the challenge would be the perfect way to help me remember who I really was and get back to the Michelle they once knew and loved before I had the big house and the five cars. ‘That’s what you need,’ she said.
I got serious cold feet when the time came for me to leave. Firstly, I was nervous about leaving my kids – I was worried I’d really miss them. And I was worried about not having my Blackberry. As I packed my bags I thought, Am I doing the right thing here? Am I going to cope with this?
But I did need a break, from everything – work, Michael and fighting with Michael. I’d left school at 15 and all my friends had gone on holidays, partying in Spain and Ibiza, but I’d never had that. I was pregnant at 19 and I’d worked every day God sent since I was 15. I’d never had an actual break away from the kids and the business. I’d never done anything for me. I was excited to find out about me, because I didn’t really know who I was any more. I’d lost my way a bit.
I remember meeting everyone at the airport at Gatwick and thinking, Oh, God, that Joe Absolom from EastEnders, I’m going to really fight with him. He’s just rude. Susie Amy from Footballers’ Wives was there and I thought she was beautiful. Gavin Henson, I thought, He loves himself. Shane Richie was also starring in the show and my first impression was that he seemed like the same guy you see on the TV. I had these preconceived ideas but it didn’t turn out that way at all. We became close because we were all stu
ck in the middle of nowhere under extreme weather conditions.
The others actually relied on me a lot to organise things. I was sharing a tent with Shane, Joe and Gavin and it was an absolute mess the first night. Shane Richie’s boots were everywhere. Gavin was looking for his socks. ‘They’re your socks… these are my socks,’ said Gavin as he rummaged through the mess.
My OCD took over. I called the boys to attention. ‘Enough, guys,’ I shouted. ‘I am not putting up with this for the next month, so here are the rules.’ They all stood to attention like school kids. ‘Number one: you do not bring your dirty snow boots into this tent. You leave them outside the door. One beside the other, left boot next to right boot. Because you’re bringing them in and soaking all the sleeping bags and it’s not fair.
‘And you,’ I said, pointing to Shane, ‘that’s your area there. You keep your socks, your goggles and your gloves in the netting there where you sleep. You are not going to leave them all over the floor. You all need to organise your sleeping bags because I don’t want to see your sleeping bag on my patch, okay?’
‘Yes,’ they said in chorus.
‘Great,’ I said and dusted off my hands.
Four days later they all thanked me. ‘This is running like a company,’ Shane said.
We were tested to our absolute limits by taking part in challenges like swimming in frozen fjords, kayaking for five hours at a time and jumping into the icy sea. The team who won the challenge got to spend a night in a cosy log cabin while the losers went back to a freezing tent to sleep in minus 25° temperatures. I was completely out of my comfort zone and I was forced to overcome a lot of my fears, such as my phobia of heights.
One of the challenges was to cross a ravine on a web of rope, and I was terrified, absolutely terrified. I also had this heavy rucksack on my back and I thought I was going to topple over at any second. ‘I can’t do this,’ I screamed. My legs had turned to jelly. ‘Get me down, get me down.’
I gave up halfway through but then Joe appeared behind me. ‘Keep going,’ he shouted. He knew I had it in me to fight on.
‘I can’t,’ I cried. The tears froze to my cheek.
‘Trust me, you can,’ he encouraged me. So I slowly put one foot in front of the other and I kept going until I reached the other side. It was the scariest moment of the whole show for me and also my proudest when I finished.
I had not anticipated how tough it would be and simple things became huge challenges in those conditions, like having to light a fire to boil some snow because I was thirsty in the middle of the night. We were tested in other ways too, such as through Shane Richie’s snoring. God, it was unbelievable, it was so loud. Joe and I were next to him and couldn’t get a wink of sleep.
Life out there was an emotional rollercoaster. There were some moments when I was freezing and so exhausted that I thought, What the hell am I doing out here? I don’t need to be here. I woke up one night with ice all over my eyelashes and I burst into tears. ‘That’s it. I’m packing up and going home,’ I cried to Joe.
‘No, you’re not,’ he shouted and he warmed me up, zipping me into my sleeping bag and telling me to shut it. He was right, of course, and the fighter in me said that giving in went against everything I stood for. When I first met him I thought he was going to be nightmare to get on with, but he was the total opposite. Joe turned out to be one of the most incredible guys.
There were also moments when I found myself reflecting on my life. I realised how spoilt I was and how I didn’t need half the things I owned. I had some peace and quiet for the first time ever and thoughts were racing through my head, like, You only live once and why should you be unhappy? Work isn’t the be-all and end-all of life. You need money to survive but happiness is more important.
I probably should have used the time to reflect on my marriage and ask myself why I was putting up with so much crap. Why I just didn’t leave Michael. But believe it or not, I never actually thought about getting a divorce. Like I said before, I came from a place where you just get on with it, no matter what. I had kids and a business with Michael and I suppose I was very loyal. I know so many couples who are miserable but they’d never leave their partner because of the kids. To be honest though, I didn’t really think about Michael that much when I was out there. I was so relaxed and I was getting a lot more mellow and calm and appreciating things.
I thought, Why have I moaned at the Dorchester? It’s like living in a fairy tale to stay there. As long as the bed is clean and it’s safe and tidy, does it really matter? We were sleeping on top of rocks and snow, which kind of put everything into perspective.
I missed my kids dreadfully though. When it was Mother’s Day the producers handed me a box. I opened it up and it was full of cards and presents from all of my kids. Usually they just signed their name but this time the left-hand side of the card was a long message: ‘Can’t wait until you get home, so proud of you, Mum.’
‘Really miss you, Mum.’
‘How are you getting on with the heights? Ha, ha, ha.’
‘What’s it like not having your blow-dry?’
They were funny and sweet and I broke down in tears. I missed them so much. That’s when I realised I’d had enough and I wanted to go home. ‘Please vote for me. I want to go home now, I’ve had my time,’ I said to all the guys when it came to voting to send someone home. I’m still friendly with all of them to this day. The whole experience changed my life – and for the better. I decided I’d work to live rather than live to work. I started to question if I still wanted to run a business in the next few years and let it take over my life. I decided I would learn to put my Blackberry down. I was addicted to my phone before. I used to sleep with it under my pillow. I’d say I came out of there a much nicer person. Business is like a train that you can’t get off and I think I finally got off.
I came home on a high. But no sooner had I landed than the press began to make out that I was having an affair with one of the guys on the show. We’d organised a night out for everyone to laugh about our crazy adventure. We met in the Dorchester bar in London for a quick drink before heading out to a restaurant. Michael popped in to say ‘Hello’ and meet the cast. He left to meet one of his friends and the rest of us went shortly after to have some food. I was wearing really uncomfortable shoes and teetering along the pavement at a snail’s pace. Shane Richie turned around and said, ‘Come on, you Scottish pain in the arse.’ He grabbed my arm to help me along.
We had a really fun evening at a Hix restaurant. I got home before midnight with no idea about the storm that was brewing. I woke up on 16 April 2010 to see that pictures of Shane and I were plastered all over the papers with ‘rumours of an affair’. My heart sank. Of course, it wasn’t bloody true. We were all together in a group but the paparazzi, who were stalking us, honed in on me and Shane linking arms and cut out everyone around us. I knew what was coming. Michael used that to absolutely hammer me.
‘Michael, why are you doing this?’ I pleaded. ‘You were with us ten minutes before at the Dorchester and then we all went out as a group after you left. You know there is nothing going on.’
But he was like a bull in a china shop. ‘My wife has been seen grabbing the arm of a guy,’ he yelled.
‘I was just grabbing his arm in a friendly way because I was crossing the road to catch up with everyone else who were a few paces in front of us and my new shoes were killing my feet and I came back at 11.30 pm and they dropped me home,’ I explained in one breath.
There was no reasoning with Michael. ‘It’s fucking embarrassing. I can’t believe my wife grabbing someone else’s arm,’ he went on. He really laid into me – it was so bad. ‘I’m the talk of the town. Everyone thinks I’m such an idiot.’ Michael turned and glared. ‘How dare you make a fool of me?’
I burst into tears. ‘I didn’t do anything wrong,’ I sobbed.
I would never cheat on my husband; it wasn’t in my make-up. I felt so beaten down that I went underground for a
few days. I then released a statement to the press to try and calm the situation for the sake of my family and Shane’s. ‘Last week was tough. All I would like to say, in order to end rumours, is Shane Richie and I are friends but nothing else. When you live in the Arctic in a tent at minus 35 in extreme conditions you all become close! When the TV show starts, it will become clear. I am sorry I put my family through all this last week.’
I hadn’t thought much about my marriage while I was away in the Arctic, but since I’d come back, it was all I could think about – how I was trapped in a loveless relationship. How the marriage was basically over.
I wanted to believe that Michael would love me again if I lost the weight. It couldn’t have been further from reality. The thinner I got, the bigger my profile grew and the more attention I received, the nastier Michael became. I think he was jealous of all the attention I was getting. He showed it through all the arguments and his total lack of respect for me. I suppose the fact I was earning four times more than Michael, thanks to my speeches and TV work, may have had a part to play. Michael had been the breadwinner when we married, and now the roles had been reversed. To add to that, the spotlight was always on me. Perhaps he felt emasculated?
The good thing was that losing the weight and starring in 71 Degrees North had given me such a boost in confidence that his words didn’t have such an impact on me any more. I felt like I wasn’t depressed. I was really starting to get my life on track. Yes, I wasn’t in a happy marriage, but I was starting to feel like a woman again. I was starting to feel sexy again.
I remember stepping on the scales one morning, and screaming with happiness because I’d lost the last couple of pounds I’d wanted to shift. I’d gone from 17 and a half stone to 11 and a half stone, I’d dropped from a size 22 to a size 12. I couldn’t bloody believe it. ‘Michelle, you did it,’ I told my reflection in the bathroom cabinet.
My Fight to the Top Page 14