“Speaking of suspecting people, where the hell are we? This looks like the kind of place where you’d bury someone in a shallow grave.”
“It’s a place I went to a few times when I was a kid. A special place.”
Junichi didn’t look like the type who was into getting it on in the great outdoors but who knew what fantasies people carried around in their heads? People look all normal but then they want to be tied to the kitchen table and covered in whipped cream or put in diapers. Seriously, there’d been this one teacher at my high school who got caught like that.
I hoped Junichi had brought along a blanket or something because I wasn’t going to lay on the bare ground. It was the middle of summer. There’d be snakes. And spiders.
Finally, Junichi pulled the car over. It was almost dark. If there was one thing worse than nature in the daytime, it was nature after dark. I wasn’t into that shit.
He got a bag out of the back of the car. Full of weird outdoor sex stuff, I bet.
“No one knows about this place, which is a good thing.”
That wasn’t something that filled me with reassurance. Not being in the middle of nowhere alone with him. Junichi might be okay but who knew if some axe murderer or whatever lurked behind those trees. Also, I was not wearing nature appropriate footwear. I had on big, chunky boots with heels.
Luckily, there was a kind of path cut through the trees. It wasn’t too hard to walk and soon we came to a small stream. I had to admit it was really pretty. The moon was up now and a soft breeze blew off the water. Out of the city, even the humidity wasn’t too bad.
Junichi got a blanket out of his bag and laid it on some flat ground. I knew this was a sex thing. He pulled me down onto the blanket beside him.
“Do you have bug spray in that bag, Sunshine, because we are going to get bitten to death.”
“Nope, we can’t use bug spray here.”
That was weird. What kind of place was this where you couldn’t use bug spray? Was that another weird Japanese thing?
Instead, he got out a bottle of wine and two glasses. I held the glasses while he poured us drinks. Then I handed them back to him while I started stripping my t-shirt off.
“What are you doing?”
I rolled my eyes. What did he think I was going? Surely we’d done this enough times.
He rolled his eyes back at me. “It’s not always about sex.”
It wasn’t? That was news to me. I put my top back on, though. A shiver went through me. If it wasn’t sex, what was it? Were we going to just sit around and look at the trees or shit like that?
Then, through the forest, I saw a glow of light. It shone for a moment then disappeared.
“What was that?” I jumped up, expecting something horrific to happen.
Junichi put his arm around me and pulled me to him. I rested my head against his chest. It seemed oddly intimate. More intimate than sex. The heat of his body pressed against mine. For a moment, I felt safe. I didn’t like feeling safe. As soon as you feel safe, bad things happened.
“Just be quiet and watch,” he said.
I looked again at where the glow had come from and now there were more. Just a few at first but then more and more. The glow pulsated. It seemed like it wasn’t just something out there but that it echoed a glow inside me, a glow I never knew existed.
As I watched them, I felt at peace. Not the fragile feeling of safety I feared but a real peace. That feeling felt like something from long ago, but from a place I couldn’t remember. Had I once felt that kind of security? It wasn’t something I’d ever been aware of.
The pulsating glow surrounded me, as though I was in a dream world. I floated amongst the stars.
“What is it?” I whispered.
Junichi curled a lock of my hair in his fingers. “Fireflies. Have you never seen them before?”
I shook my head. I’d heard of them but we didn’t have fireflies in Australia. We had poisonous shit, not magical bugs like this.
Soon it felt like my heart beat in time with their glow. I could barely breathe. I wasn’t sure how long I stayed like that, I’d become mesmerised. Then slowly I come back to my senses.
He kissed my forehead so gently. I wanted to freeze this moment, this tenderness. If I tried, I could memorise every detail and play it back for the rest of my life. The tight grip of his arms around me, the fluttering touch of his lips on my skin. I’d tuck them all away in a secret place and they’d be there forever.
“Thank you,” I said. “For last night. For standing up for me.”
He stroked my hair.
“She was being a bitch. She wanted you to suffer. It’s more than the cram school thing.”
I nodded. Of course it was. I had strong suspicions about that too. It was difficult to hide the light in my eyes, and it wasn’t the light of a relationship that was just sex.
He kissed me, again gently. I wrapped my arms around his neck. The feeling between us had changed. It wasn’t the red-hot urgency to screw that had been there before. This was something new. Wanting to drink each other in, savour every moment. I would get hurt by this, hurt so badly, but I’d happily suffer that hurt in the future for what we had now.
“My mother would never approve of you,” he said.
I wasn’t sure where that came from. He’d been thinking about that? I knew she’d never approve. I knew we had no future. I didn’t need to be reminded. He touched me, light touches running from my neck down my belly as though he wanted to commit every inch of me to memory. I kept still and let his fingers trace the lines of my body. His fingers entranced me, so long and sturdy. Slightly calloused from the guitar. My body quivered but I was in no hurry.
I wondered how long he’d play the good son. He was ripe for change, for breaking free from this house and the chains that bound him. His talk of obligation was just that. I knew it. If I could help him in any way in the time I had left, I would. Not for my own sake but for his. So he could be happy.
I moved to mount him but he pushed me aside.
“Not now. Not here. Just watch the fireflies.”
Something twisted inside me. I didn’t understand what he wanted. If not sex, then what? I figured this was just an elaborate set-up for what was to come but Junichi seemed content to just sit here like this. The tenderness and caring were more than I could handle.
As much as I wanted to dwell on this moment, I knew eventually it would be ruined. He’d do something that would put me back in my place. This was the sort of thing you did with someone you loved. Not just loved but treasured. I was no treasure, though.
Before he could do anything to spoil this feeling, I stood up.
“I guess we should get back home,” I said, even though I ached for this moment to stretch on for eternity. If I couldn’t have eternity, I’d have nothing.
His eyes flashed in a way I didn’t understand. Before I could say anything though, he’d stood up too and shoved the blanket back in the bag.
“I guess we should.”
CHAPTER 27
We were silent most of the way home. A few times I stole glances at Junichi while he drove. What would it be like to be his girlfriend? It was something I couldn’t even imagine. I wasn’t girlfriend material for anyone, let alone for someone like him.
If we stripped everything away though, if it was just the two of us with no family history and none of that other shit, maybe that inner glow I’d felt earlier would stay with me. The way my heart buzzed along with the fireflies, those things weren’t permanent. I guess the only choice was to take the moment for what it was.
I had no other option.
“Should we stop for something to eat?” he asked.
I shook my head. “No, let’s just get home.”
Not that I had any desire to be there. I just felt flat. Not even food would make me happy. What was even wrong with me? Surely I should be elated that Junichi would take me somewhere so romantic. He’d done that and he’d stood up to his mother for me.
He must care about me a little. But was it even the real me he cared about?
When we got home, it still wasn’t that late. The family were around. Shun sat on the sofa, playing games.
“Where have you been?” he asked.
I froze. I should’ve expected him to ask but I wasn’t prepared for it. Shun stopped playing his game and watched us.
I went to the fridge and poured myself a glass of juice.
We could say we had to do something on campus. That would be boring enough for him to not ask any more questions.
“I took Audrey to show her fireflies. You know, that spot near baachan’s house.”
What the hell was Junichi doing? Telling the truth. That would just lead to more questions from Shun. Why didn’t he just say we went on a date. A romantic date into the countryside. That would be so obvious to Shun anyway. Shun wasn’t stupid. He could put things together.
“Oh, you should’ve taken me. I love that place.” Shun went back to his game.
“Next time,” Junichi told him. “Audrey’s never seen fireflies before.”
Then Mrs Tachibana came into the kitchen.
“I didn’t keep dinner for you, since you were so late home.”
I didn’t care. I wasn’t hungry anyway. I hadn’t eaten since lunchtime and surely my stomach should be screaming at me, but I couldn’t eat.
“Can we go to baachan’s to see the fireflies?” Shun asked.
“I guess so,” Mrs Tachibana replied. “We haven’t been to visit for a while.”
“Junichi and Audrey went.”
She glared at Junichi and then at me.
“It’s okay, I took Shun to cram school first.” I figured I should clarify that, even though I bet Mrs Tachibana would be checking every day now.
“You took Audrey to see the fireflies?
Was there some significance to seeing the fireflies? I guess it wasn’t something you did when you were just screwing around. That look seemed to dig into both of us, hunting around to find our secrets.
I tried to act nonchalant and opened the fridge again. That would hide my face. I wouldn’t look at Junichi. I wouldn’t even care that he existed. I could totally fake this.
He shouldn’t have said anything to Shun. In most life situations, lying is the best option. Don’t let anyone know what you were thinking, don’t even give them a reason to care. That way, you stayed safe.
“Did you visit your grandmother?” she asked.
Junichi shook his head.
“That’s a good thing. She’s not really presentable for family.”
I let that slide. I had no desire to get into anything with her. By the sound of it, Junichi’s grandmother was a scary woman. I pictured her as an older version of Mrs Tachibana. Maybe dressed in a kimono. With a walking stick that she used to hit people.
I was totally glad we’d not called in to visit her.
“It’s a long way to drive for no reason.” Mrs Tachibana folded her arms.
“It’s not far,” Junichi replied.
But Mrs Tachibana wasn’t fooled at all. Junichi couldn’t see her and neither could Shun but the face she showed me said, I’m going to fuck your shit up.
CHAPTER 28
Mrs Tachibana came to my room the next day. I think she waited for Junichi to leave the house. She wore a suit and had her hair done in a hard helmet around her face. I guessed she’d come home from the office just for this.
“I told you not to get attached. This thing between you and Junichi isn’t meant to last. It’s not a relationship or whatever you’re thinking it is. Don’t let your imagination get carried away.”
My heart froze. I’d guessed she wasn’t happy with the way things were progressing.
“It’s less than two weeks until I leave,” I said. “What are you worried about?”
She pursed her lips.
“You. I’m worried about you. You’re getting weird feelings about Junichi. I should’ve known better. Girls like you, as soon as a boy shows you any attention, you think it’s love. Then you act peculiar.”
I pulled my knees up to my chest. Even though I tried to tell myself she was an evil witch and that her words shouldn’t hurt me, that stung. That stung like a bastard. I’d curl up into a little ball if I could, guarding myself against her attacks. If I did that though, it’d only show her my weakness. I had to attack back. I’d never let her see how I really felt.
“It’s two weeks. Then I’ll be gone and you’ll never hear from me again. I know the score. Junichi will just be a dot in my rearview mirror while I move onto a better life with my big heap of cash.”
“Do you promise that?”
“Yeah, I promise. Now I’ve got to get to class. You know, university, the real reason why I’m here in the first place.”
She screwed up her face. “Why are you here? I mean, you don’t seem that interested in Japanese culture. It feels like you have some ulterior motive for being here.”
“If I do, it doesn’t concern you. Do you even want me telling you my life problems? No? I didn’t think so.”
She turned to leave, seemingly happy with my answer then stopped and picked up the sketchbook sitting on the bookcase. She’d never once expressed any interest in my studies or my artwork so I had no idea why she picked it up. I did not want her looking at that. I sprung off the bed to stop her but she’d already opened it.
That sketchbook was meant to be studies for my paintings and that kind of thing. It wasn’t for assessment, just for my own benefit. Lately, most of the drawings were of Junichi.
“Put that down!”
She ignored me. Short of ripping it out of her hands, I could do nothing. It was too late anyway. She’d seen what was in there.
Pages of sketches of Junichi.
“What is this?” she asked.
Her lips curled, but not into a smile. People don’t smile like that.
In the first pages, his face was hard and cold. Almost as though it’d been carved out of stone. As she moved to the later sketches, the lines softened. His eyes warmed, his smile shone.
Had he changed so much since I’d been here or were the drawings just a reflection of my changing feelings? How much had I projected onto him?
There had to be some change. It wasn’t just me.
His smile in those first sketches was fake. It was a polite smile, one aimed outward rather than coming from his heart. Then his smile became real. At times, I’d do or say things just for the pure joy of seeing that smile.
What the hell would she do with those drawings? Stabbings of sharp needles went through my heart seeing her looking at those pages, like her cold eyes would taint them.
I prayed she’d not notice the last one. Any pretence of not loving Junichi would be destroyed by that. Even worse, would she realise that drawing showed a person she didn’t know? I didn’t want his secret getting out. Not like this.
She tore the first sketch out of the book. The one of the cold, hard Junichi.
“If he means nothing to you, destroy this.”
A chill hand gripped my heart. She meant it. She really meant that.
“I can’t. I need it for my assessment. Do you want me to fail my semester?”
“Honestly, I couldn’t care less if you pass or fail. If you have no feelings for Junichi, you’ll destroy this picture without a care. It’s only a little drawing. I’m sure you can do more. Draw some pretty flowers or a landscape. Anything but my son.”
Was she crazy? She wanted me to destroy my drawing. It was just a picture. But I knew that was a lie. It was so much more. Even in that early drawing, my feelings screamed out. I’d not even realised I had feelings for him back then. He had been just an annoyance. Looking at that page though, I saw much more.
She waved the paper at me. “Do it. If you care nothing for him, you won’t mind ripping this up.”
“Fine.” I took the drawing and ripped it in half. I could draw Junichi again but it would never be the same. That drawing had
an emotional resonance that could have only come from that time. I saw Junichi differently now. Junichi was different now.
“Tear it again.” She nodded at the two pieces in my hands. “I don’t want you taping it back up.”
Even though my hands shook, I tore the two parts into a thousand more pieces. What had once been Junichi’s face was now confetti. I couldn’t let her see how much this hurt me.
“Happy now?”
But she wasn’t. She took another page from the sketchbook. I didn’t argue. I just tore that one too. I wanted to grab the sketchbook and run far away from her. There was no way I could fight her, though. The unspoken threat in her eyes made sure of that.
Scraps of paper fluttered around my feet. Scraps of Junichi on them. His hands, his eyes, his hair.
Finally, only one picture remained. The last sketch I’d done. She wasn’t going to leave me with anything. I shivered, cold shudders running down my back. I’d told myself they were just sketches and I had Junichi drawn on my heart. She couldn’t make me rip that up.
That last picture, though, I’d captured the light of Junichi’s smile. It was the best thing I’d ever created. Or maybe I’d created nothing, I’d just captured the light that existed within him.
She pursed her lips.
“You let your little fantasies get carried away with this one.”
Better that she thought the rock Junichi was my fantasy than her guessing the truth.
She handed the page to me. I held the edge in my shaking hands. Tearing this picture wouldn’t destroy my love. It was just a picture. I had to believe that. Still, my hands wouldn’t move to her command.
This one, this last picture, I couldn’t tear. I didn’t have it in me to do that. This one meant so much more to me than any of the others.
In this final drawing, I could see the reflection of the change I’d made in Junichi’s life. It proved to me that I’d done something good for him. I wasn’t just a chick he’d been screwing.
“No.”
“No?”
“I’ve done what you wanted, I’m keeping this one.”
Seduction Game (Art and Soul) Page 14