by Nikki Buick
‘Your dad must really miss you,’ Step said.
I fought it – I bit down on my lip until it nearly bled – but I couldn’t. It was too strong. I leaned over the closed computer on my lap and began to cry in high-pitched whelps and sucking sobs. The horror of what happened to Pippa swamped me and the flashbacks of the accident and my awful black hole of longing for Dad had built up into a giant boil of pain. Step’s sudden and unpredictable words had come like a pin, lancing that boil. All the emotional debris came rushing out and I cried until I was almost winded. I could hardly breathe.
Step’s hand rubbed my back gently. ‘It’s alright, Hunter. I’m here for you. Really. I’m not the enemy.’
I looked up at him through puffy, swollen eyes, blinking and wiping my nose with the back of my hand and I just nodded.
We drove past a sign for the crocodile farm that Barney had told us about.
‘Let’s take Pippa there when she’s better,’ Step said. And then his face began to collapse in on itself and he pulled over to the side of the road and dropped his head to his hands on the steering wheel. His back rose and fell in shuddering little waves. I reached over, hesitated, and then touched his back, giving it a soft pat.
If there was a defining moment that made a boy into a man, I think it was that particular moment for me. Right there on the side of the road, on the way to Cairns Hospital, outside the crocodile farm, something changed. Something shifted.
CAIRNS
I sat in the waiting room with Ranger because children were not allowed to visit in intensive care, where Pippa was. Step went in and I promised him Ranger would be fine with me. He nodded and disappeared behind a wide nurse.
There was a fish tank in the corner of the room and Ranger thought it was just the most amazing thing. A black-and-white striped fish skated through the water between bubbles and fake treasure chests while a handful of silver guppies flicked about like confused flocks of sheep. I held Ranger up to the glass and his eyes nearly popped out of his head. He bared his little sharp teeth and made some grunting animal noises.
‘Fishies,’ I whispered to him, making sure no-one was about to hear me talking baby talk.
He looked from me to the fish and back to me, eyebrows raised.
‘That’s right, Rangy. Fishies,’ I repeated.
The kid looked so pleased with himself. I didn’t think he’d ever seen live fish before. I’d shown him something new.
‘Arggg,’ he groaned and banged his little hand, open-palmed on the glass. I could just see him smashing the thing and having fish and water and treasure chests flooding the waiting room.
‘No. Uhuh.’
The toy box full of plastic blocks was a safer bet so I carried him over there and laid him in a vinyl green beanbag. I sat on the floor and showed Ranger how to shake a rattle and passed him some toys to hold and investigate. I began to build a tall tower of blocks, one coloured block on top of the next. I used almost every block before it came tumbling down. Ranger shouted with a grunt of laughter and clapped his hands and kicked his fat legs. I was pleased because it could have gone either way. He could have been devastated and started crying. Babies operated in extremes. They were either bubbling with joy or explosive with rage. Anything in between and they were probably asleep.
A nurse came back in and asked me if I wanted her to turn on the television. An old clunky box sat in the corner. I did a quick calculation and figured the afternoon kids’ shows would still be on so I said yes please in my most polite voice.
‘Your little brother might like cartoons, yes?’ she asked. ‘Something bright and colourful.’
I nodded while she fiddled with the channels until she came up with something bright, loud and noisy.
‘That’ll do.’ I smiled and she left the room, giving Ranger a little pat on the head as if he was a little puppy. I guess he was kind of cute for a baby. He had blue eyes and blond curls. Some babies are big and bald and look like wrestlers with stumpy legs. Ranger could do that melt-in-your-mouth smile that made people go ahhhh. All dimples and little ferret teeth.
I pulled the beanbag over near the television, settled Ranger and then went to peer out into the corridor. I didn’t like hospitals. They smelled of sickness and the heavy stench of industrial-strength cleaning products couldn’t cover it. People all looked green or grey. The nurses looked stern and the doctors looked busy and distracted. The only jolly people were the cleaners and those pushing food trolleys. They seemed to have a bit of colour in their cheeks. Everyone else bustled about trying to be quiet but the trolleys clanged and bumped with crockery and glasses clinking as they went.
A friendly-looking woman grinned at me as she padded down the white hallway with a five-storey trolley. ‘Wanna biscuit?’ she said.
I nodded and she threw me a little packet. I said thanks and went to split the packet of two plain biscuits with Ranger. He could gum it into a gooey mess.
After the kid had surrounded himself with a halo of crumbs, the fun programs on TV turned into boring news channels and Ranger started getting grumpy.
‘Mmumum.’ He started up like a jackhammer and wouldn’t stop. ‘Mmumumumum.’
Step had left a bottle but it was empty.
‘Come on,’ I said to my brother and hoisted him onto my hip.
Out in the corridor I looked for a friendly face. People walked past us as if we weren’t there, like we were part of the furniture. I walked past the nurse’s desk and finally someone popped their head up and asked if I needed help. I held the bottle in the air and gave a pathetic look.
‘Milk? Just normal milk?’ a crisp nurse asked.
‘Um. Do you have formula? I think Mum uses formula. A soy formula.’ Clearly I was not a total ignoramus and managed to absorb some information. Mum was anti-dairy, that much I knew.
‘No problem. Maternity will have plenty of that,’ the nurse said and disappeared for a few minutes before returning with the full, warmed bottle.
‘Thanks,’ I said to the young woman. She had her dark hair all pulled back and her eyes were as deep and black as Lake Placid.
‘Where’s Mum?’ she asked.
‘With my sister … she’s in intensive care.’
‘Ohhh … the little girl who got stung?’ she whispered.
‘Is she going to be okay?’ I asked.
‘I’m not a doctor, love. But this is a very good hospital and we deal with stingers all the time. Even I’ve come up against the Irukandji. It hurts a lot. But look at me. I’m fine.’
That made me feel a lot better. The nurse looked as good as it gets and she’d been stung. Pippa would be fine. I just knew it.
Ranger and I walked slowly back down the corridor. He kept grabbing for the bottle but I knew if I gave it to him, he’d have it finished before we got back to the waiting room. He struggled and kicked.
‘Soon,’ I whispered and ran my free hand through his golden curls.
Back in the room, I lay Ranger onto the beanbag, gave him his bottle and tried to find a decent channel on the TV. The sky outside the window was sending in steamy shadows of pink and orange. It was getting late. I paced about, flicked through the tattered out-of-date women’s magazines and examined every medical poster on the walls. Finally I heard a familiar voice. I heard it before Ranger because he was totally focused on his empty bottle and he was playing a game of popping the teat from his gums. I went to the doorway and peeked out.
Mum had her back to me. She was standing with Step and a tall doctor in a white coat. He had a stethoscope hanging around his neck and was pushing his glasses up on his nose.
‘She’s stable,’ I heard him say. ‘But it would be best if you could notify the father. We may need his permission as well in the event of any other treatment …’
Step’s hand was on Mum’s shoulder.
‘I’ll call him,’ Mum said flatly.<
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‘She’ll stay in the induced coma until we’re sure about her heart.’ The doctor gave a nod and a smile that looked as flat as a sheet of paper.
‘I’ll call him if you’d rather,’ Step said softly to Mum. ‘I don’t mind.’
‘He’ll probably be on the first plane up here,’ Mum said rubbing her face the way she did whenever she was stressed.
‘You can’t avoid him forever, love. Pippa is his daughter and he has every right to be by her side too. He has a right to be informed.’
‘He’ll blame me,’ Mum whimpered.
I was confused. Were they talking about Dad? What did they mean he’d be on the next plane to Cairns? It made no sense.
I stepped into the corridor.
‘Mum? What do you mean Dad will be on the next plane?’
Mum spun around. Her eyes were wide and her face as pale as the hospital floor. Step shut his eyes. There was a silence that seemed as big as the breath of air you take before you dive underwater. I waited. Everything seemed to slow to a halt. All the hospital activity. Everything.
‘Dad’s out of prison, Hunter,’ Mum said in a wooden voice.
I frowned. What?
‘When?’ I asked, my voice coming out as a squeak.
Step looked at Mum. Mum looked at Step. Step looked at me. Mum looked at me. I looked from Step, back to Mum.
‘About three months ago. He’s out on parole.’
Boom. A missile fell out of the sky and landed on my head, shattering everything I’d thought was real. Bits of my brain scrambled to make sense of this.
‘It was sudden. I freaked out a bit, Hunter. That’s why I wanted to get away and think … and go bush …’ She had wet eyes and she stammered like a nervous kid with a speech impediment. ‘That’s why I …’
My face went numb and a shiver ran up my spine.
Step moved toward me. ‘Hunter … I …’
I shook my head and backed away. ‘You knew?’
He nodded.
I looked at Mum with her pleading eyes.
‘Try to understand …’ she called after me.
‘You liars!’ I shouted. ‘I can’t believe you people.’
I turned and walked down the long hallway looking for an escape. I narrowly missed a trolley. I felt like a mouse in a maze, walking until a red light and arrow indicated a way out. In the eerie evening glow, I jogged down the concrete stairs and outside, searching for somewhere to hide. I couldn’t think. My mind was doing somersaults. I felt so dizzy. I found a big tree. A big, wide, still old tree. And I sat down, arms around my knees. Mum had completely betrayed me. All that crap Step had gone on about in the car. He wasn’t on my side at all. He and Mum were actively keeping me from Dad. That was why I was in Cairns. That was why Pippa was in intensive care. This was all their fault.
I’d always trusted Mum. I’d always felt that no matter what happened she was my rock. I was wrong. Dad wasn’t the rogue parent. It was Mum. I shut my eyes and cried internally, my heart hurting.
THE FIG TREE
I leaned back against the bark and let the curtain of long vine-like branches shield me from the darkening sky. A v-shaped indentation in the trunk made for a nice little cocoon. It was actually quite large, like a small cave. I sat there breathing deeply, listening to the air going in and out of my lungs to the beat of my heart. I could imagine the pump and flow of blood through my veins. The rhythm of my body was soothing and I almost fell asleep, too overwhelmed to form concrete thoughts about Pippa. About Dad. About the betrayal and lies. It was too big and I was exhausted.
Lights popped up among the gardens, lighting the path that led to the hospital. I didn’t really know how long I’d been there before I felt the presence of someone nearby. Mum bent down and looked at me.
‘Can I come and sit down?’ she asked.
I wanted to say no and tell her to leave, but I nodded. I knew I should give her a fighting chance to defend herself. She wiggled into the trunk hollow beside me.
‘I’m sorry, Hunter.’
I tried not to cry. I tried to keep a firm grip on my anger.
‘It was wrong of me not to tell you about Dad’s release.’ She put her hand over mine and squeezed.
I didn’t respond.
‘I’ve been through an awful lot and my feelings for your dad … well, they’re very painful. Sometimes almost too painful for me to bear. That’s why I …’
‘Don’t you think I’ve got feelings? I hurt too!’ I said.
She put her arm about my shoulders and rested her head against mine. ‘My heart broke in two when Dad left. When I thought I’d lost you in that car crash … it completely shattered.’
‘Is this where you start telling me how Step came along and healed your broken heart? Your knight in shining armour? How about me? Where’s someone to fix my broken heart?’ I sniffed back tears that just wouldn’t stop falling.
‘I love Brad, Hunter. Probably not as much as your father …’
I looked at her in the dim light, surprised.
‘It’s true. Your father was my first love but I am much happier with Brad. Love and happiness don’t always go together.’
That came as a surprise. So Mum did still love Dad.
‘I love Dad too, you know, Mum, and I wanted to visit him in jail and write to him but you made him out to be the devil and …’
‘It was wrong of me. I was punishing your dad,’ Mum said and I could tell the words were painful for her to say. ‘I was trying to hurt him and I realise now that I was hurting you too and that wasn’t fair. It’s Brad who’s helped me to see this. Can you please forgive me?’
‘I don’t know.’ I really didn’t know how I could. ‘You said Dad took a risk when he drank and drove.’
‘That’s right, Hunter. He did. It was irresponsible.’
‘But you did the same thing by letting us in the water. You risked our lives and now look at Pippa!’
Mum began to cry and I felt her warm tears land on my hand. I was still angry at her but I put my hand on her leg.
‘I know, Hunter. I’ll never forgive myself. I did exactly what your dad did. I was stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.’ She sniffed and wiped her eyes.
‘It’s okay,’ I whispered.
‘You and Pippa – you’re my life. Sometimes parents aren’t perfect, Hunter. We’re just doing the best we can. I see that I was looking for your dad to fail because I wanted to be the winner, you know? He beat me in the marriage. He left. I didn’t want him to leave but he did …’ She was really crying by now. ‘I just wanted to win as a parent. I wanted to be the better one … and now … and now …’
I wrapped my arms around Mum. She was warm and shaking. She seemed small. Like a child.
‘It’s not a competition and there are no winners. I’m so … so sorry,’ she whimpered.
Mum and I held each other and cried. What could I do? The woman had poured her heart out to me. She had been really honest and talked about her feelings like I’d never heard her do before.
‘It’s okay, Mum. I love you and I love Dad too. You’re right. It’s not a competition. If I love Dad it doesn’t mean I love you less.’
The pain was bad. It probably wasn’t as bad as Pippa’s sting, but it sure hurt. Now it was time to heal.
‘Is that why you did what you did back in Brisbane in May? When you …’ I began.
Mum put a finger on my lips to silence me.
‘I was in a dark place there, Hunter. I’m so sorry for that …’
‘It’s not something to be sorry for Mum,’ I cried, letting the tears run down my face. ‘You were sick and all I want is for you to be well. To be happy.’
‘I want you to be happy too,’ she said, holding me tightly. ‘I’m just afraid of seeing your father again. I’m afraid I won’t cope. I’m afraid you’ll
love him more than me and you’ll leave me behind. You’ll leave me like he did.’
‘I can love Dad without it affecting how much I love you, Mum. Can’t you understand that?’
‘I’m trying,’ she told me. ‘I’m going to really try to.’
It began to get cold and after the emotional talk had all been talked out it seemed a bit ridiculous sitting in the hollow of a tree at night. Mum and I held hands and walked back into the hospital.
‘Pippa’s heart took quite a blow and she’s in a coma. The doctors have basically put her to sleep so that she can get strong,’ Mum explained.
‘She’ll be alright, won’t she?’ I was remembering every mean thing I’d ever done to Pippa and wished I could go back in time and treat her better. Be a better brother and a better friend.
‘The doctor says tonight is the most important time. We just have to pray and give her all our love.’
Inside Step and Ranger were asleep in the La-Z-Boy chair, the television was purring in the background.
‘Step will take you boys and book into a motel nearby. I’ll stay here with Pippa tonight.’
It was the first time I’d ever heard her call him Step.
TRINITY BEACH
My whole world seemed rocked by an earthquake. A heartquake. Mum and Step had known for three months that Dad was a free man. Probably living back on the mountain, thinking about me. I’d taken in everything that Mum had said and I was trying very hard to understand her point. She came from a place of great pain but a lot of her negativity about Dad was payback to him and I was caught in the middle of that.
The motel was the first taste of luxury I’d had for a while. I took a Coke out of the minibar. Step began to open his mouth, probably to tell me how expensive it was, but I gave a look that said shut it.
‘So you knew that Dad had been released in May and you knew that’s why Mum did what she did … because she was scared of how she’d cope with Dad out?’