by BL Mute
I smile. I love how she immediately thinks I need an explanation or comforting from my statement, but I don’t. I don’t mind my mom doing whatever she wants. I want her to be happy, and if the club does that, then so be it.
“I know. I’m not upset. I want her to do whatever she thinks will help her because that’s what I’m doing. I think being away from Bexley will help me heal, Carmen.”
Lie. But I don’t tell her that. I’m still not ready to have the conversation about Malcolm with her. I’m not sure I ever will be.
“Fine. Stay gone as long as you need, but don’t forget me, bitch.” She sighs.
“Like I ever could.” I smile before hanging up.
*Three months later
After showing my tutor out the door, I grab my purse and house keys. I scribble a note on the notepad by the door, letting my uncle know I’ll be back soon.
I’ve followed the same routine for weeks now. Every Wednesday when my tutor leaves, I head to the old skating rink. It took me a while to learn my way around Pine Hills since I haven’t spent much time here since I was a kid, but I finally found all the hangouts for the locals. And hangouts mean drugs.
I’ve been stashing cash since I was five, so I had a bit built up when I left. It’s definitely not as much as I’m used to, but since everything is within walking distance, I don’t have to pay for an Uber, and my uncle provides anything else I may need. Food, toiletries, clothes on occasion, and other things.
I lock the door behind me as I walk and follow the same beaten-up road, all the way to the gas station on the corner of Fifth Street, then turn left. Abandoned industrial buildings line the path all the way until I hit the old skating rink.
Rusted chain-link fence surrounds it, grass grows through the broken concrete, and colorful graffiti splashes all along its face with a broken sign indicating what it used to be. I glide through the opening in the fence and walk straight to the small alley running alongside it. I spot exactly who I’m looking for amongst the small group huddled together. His black denim jacket and bulky Doc Martens stand out from everyone else’s bright clothes.
“Hey, Jake.” I smile.
“Bexley girl.” He grins back.
I want to roll my eyes. He thinks the nickname he gave me is cute, but I find it annoying. I came to Pine Hills to get away from Bexley Falls, not to be reminded of it when I want to get high. But I push down the annoyance.
“You got what I need?” I twirl a piece of my hair around my finger while running the other hand down my cleavage. Jake seems to like the bimbo act, and I don’t mind playing along if it gets me what I want at a small price.
He reaches in his pocket and hands me pills and some white powder wrapped in the cellophane packaging from a cigarette pack. “Give me thirty and we’ll call it good.”
I grab a twenty and two fives from my purse, then hand it to him and take the small package, making sure to brush my fingers along his wrist as I do. “Thanks.” I leave before he can say anything else.
I walk back around the front and follow the same path I did on my way here. When I make it back to my uncle’s, I’m relieved his car is still gone. I unlock the door, then close it behind me and go to my room.
I lock myself inside and then do what I do best. I pull my phone from my purse and hit Play on Spotify, then place two of the small blue pills on my tongue and swallow before stashing the coke under my pillow. I don’t ever question what Jake gives me because I don’t care. I told him I want to be numb, and boy does he deliver.
*Six months later
It’s been months and I’m still not ready to go home, and I may never be. Pine Hills is too quiet. Too relaxing. I’m not ready to leave that and go back to the noise of Bexley Falls. Everything there is chaotic and busy. Here I can aid my numbness without prying eyes, and I like that.
I don’t have to think about shit when I’m high, and Uncle Bill is gone too much to even notice I’m playing with fire. As long as I call mom every other day and check in, and do the shit I need to for school, he doesn’t bother me. I stay out of his hair and live a life of my own. Something I don’t feel I could do in Bexley Falls.
There, I’m an heiress to the Walton McLane Country Club. I’m the girl without a dad. I’m Carmen’s best friend. I don’t get to be my own person. So, I’m here until Bill makes me leave.
I push my feet into my sandals, then crack open my door. The only bad thing about here is how small Bill’s house is. I can’t sneak out without anyone noticing like at my mom’s place. Here I actually have to try and be quiet.
When I don’t hear any noise, I tiptoe into the hallway and close the door behind me. The wood creaks under my feet, so I walk slowly, pausing after every step. I make it to the front door without hassle, so I grab my bag and keys. As soon as the cool outside air hits my face, I smile. The sense of freedom I feel every time I step out that door is exhilarating. I walk to the next block over and see Jake’s old Nissan parked by the curb, waiting for me.
He and I have become an item, I guess you could say. He said seeing me every week sparked something in him. An urge to claim me or whatever. I just think he got tired of everyone else in this town and wanted the shiny new toy. But I don’t question it or complain because I like what he can provide: drugs and sex.
The two best distractions.
His sex is mediocre at best, at least I think so, and I thank Malcolm for that. I don’t feel anyone will ever be able to touch my body the way he did…
I let the thought die as I open the door. “Hey, Bexley girl,” Jake says, showing me all his teeth as his blond hair falls in his face.
“Jake.” I smile back and slide in. “Where to tonight?”
He starts the engine and shifts into drive before pulling away from the curb. “I found a spot they don’t ID. Figured we could check it out for your birthday.”
I’ve never really been to a club, but I nod and agree. Why not celebrate with a bang instead of sitting at home.
We drive to the next town over until we finally pull up to a small building with a sign indicating its name. Red Flame. And just like Jake said, we don’t get carded when we make it to the door.
The bass booms over the speakers, cocktail waitresses walk around with drinks in hand, and people crowd the dance floor. Once we’re out of the traffic from the door, Jake slips me some pills, and I swallow them. Within minutes, we’re dancing and grinding on the dance floor.
Our lips meet and crash, our hands explore every inch of one another’s bodies, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt better.
*Nine months later
“We have to be quiet,” I snicker. “My uncle doesn’t like people at his place.” Jake nods with a grin as he follows me inside.
The house is dark when we close the door, and everything is quiet. I’m assuming Uncle Bill is asleep since his car is here. We walk slowly down the hallway to my room, but I freeze in my tracks when a shadowy figure appears at the end of the hall. I wait for the scolding I know is coming, but nothing happens.
My heart beats faster as my hands start to shake. “Jake…” I trail off, seeing if it moves when I speak, but it doesn’t.
“Hm?”
“What did you give me?”
“Just basic Xan. Why?”
I don’t know if he isn’t paying attention or just not seeing what I’m seeing, so I try and shake my nerves away. “I just think it’s fucking with my head.” I grab his hand behind me and pull him into my room.
When we’re inside, I push the door closed and turn to him. I place my hands on his cheeks and pull his lips to mine. He doesn’t hesitate in shoving his tongue down my throat, but I don’t complain. I take everything he is willing to give me while pushing the thought of everything that happened in the hallway away.
The high I get from the pill pushing me down and then sex bringing me back up is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Add a bit of Mary Jane and booze on top of it, and my body feels like it’s on a roller coaster,
pushing and pulling me every which way.
When his mouth leaves mine and trails to my neck, I tilt my head and give him all the access he’ll need to nip and bite and suck. I know it isn’t right, but every time his mouth lands on my throat, Malcolm pops into my head.
I try and keep those thoughts and memories at bay, but they always seem to spill over the lousy threshold I put up. No matter how much I deny it, no matter how much I know I hate it, Malcolm is probably the only one who can bring me pleasure anymore. And that makes me hate him even more.
There is the disgust with myself for even allowing it, the guilt of being with him when my dad took his last breath, but now there is a new monster.
Wanting it all again.
As Jake’s mouth trails further down my body, I press myself into the back of my door. His fingers hook into the waist of my shorts and pull them down. I step out of them as I lift my shirt over my head.
His warm arms wrap around my body and lift me. He turns and sits me on the dresser across the room. Our lips meet again and tangle together in sloppy kisses. I reach down and shimmy my panties down, never breaking our kiss, as he pushes his pants down.
When he shoves into me, my mouth opens on instinct and sucks in a loud breath. “You like that?” he whispers, moving his mouth from mine to my ear.
I roll my eyes and drape my arms over his shoulders. “Yes,” I hiss.
As he pounds into me, I try and chase a climax. I wiggle in place and place my fingers on my clit in between us and rub vigorously, but it isn’t enough. He isn’t enough.
I throw my head back as he grips my hips and try to act like I’m enjoying it, but tonight I can’t. Something is off, something doesn’t feel right, and I can’t figure out why until I hear the old wooden floor creak under someone’s weight that isn’t our own. I lay my hands on his chest, then push him away and pull my knees together.
“What the fuck, Bexley?” he says, looking at me through the darkness with his chest heaving and dick still hard.
I shoot my eyes around the room but can’t see anything out of place in the dark. “Did you hear that?” I question.
He steps closer and places his hands on my thighs while leaning in to kiss me. “I didn’t hear anything. You’re just drunk.”
I push him away again and slide off the dresser. “Get out. I’m not risking this.”
“Are you fucking serious?”
I square my shoulders. “Do I look like I’m playing?”
He shakes his head, then pulls his pants up. “I knew you were a crazy bitch. Don’t fucking call me again.”
I ignore his comment as I pull the sheet from my bed and wrap it around me. I follow him through the quiet house, opening and closing each door for him so he doesn’t slam it, then pad back into my room and fall onto my bed.
*One year later
Jake has been avoiding me like the plague for months, ever since I kicked him out with a hard dick. I’m not really sorry, honestly. I wasn’t into him as much as he was into me, so it was the perfect excuse to end things. But now I’m left without a supply. I kicked the pills and coke and have only been drinking and smoking when I can, but since Jake is the supplier for this entire tiny town, it seems, shit is hard to come by.
I walk up to Red Flame after exiting the Uber I ordered and slip inside. Since I’ve been frequenting this place, they don’t even give me a second look. They just let me walk in while everyone else waits outside. I go straight to the bar and order a drink. I just want to relax, enjoy the night, and hope like hell I don’t run into Jake.
When the bartender passes me my glass, I take it and make my way to the back. They have a few tables set up, which is nice. I prefer to sit and wait until someone offers to buy me my next drink. I dance in my seat, just moving with the music as I sip the liquor and look out into the crowd. Everyone is moving so fast and on beat. Bodies mesh together and tear apart while every single person wears a smile on their face.
Something about everyone else’s energy is contagious, because I catch myself smiling and loving the atmosphere too. Until my eyes move across the dance floor and see an all-too-familiar face staring at me from beside the door.
I set my drink down and stand, hoping the crowd will break again so I can see what I’m positive I already saw, but when bodies move and the path is clear again, Malcolm’s face is gone. I blink a few times and stare at the spot, but I don’t see him. I shake my head, hoping maybe my eyes are playing tricks on me, then move along the wall to my right and into the bathroom.
Walking to the sink, I turn on the faucet and splash some cold water on my face. I stare at myself a moment, then pull my phone from my pocket. It’s 1:00 a.m., so soon enough, everything will be closing down. I shove my phone back into my pocket and leave the bathroom. I hit the table I was at before and down the drink I left before leaving. It’s crazy how I can be so into something, then within seconds it’s ruined because I thought I saw Malcolm’s face.
I swear he ruins everything. But in reality, that’s because of me, right? Because I never would have had any of these thoughts or feelings if I didn’t pursue him. I’m the one who did this.
As I take the long walk back across town because I’m out of money for another Uber, I shove the thoughts down. He’s been in my head enough as it is. I don’t want to willingly think and question things involving him when I don’t need to. I’m not in Bexley Falls anymore. I escaped him and everyone else in that fucking town.
I check my phone again as I walk up the drive to Bill’s house and see it’s teetering on the edge of 2:00 a.m. I push open the door quietly, like I do every other time I sneak out, but as soon as I’m inside, I know I’m caught.
“Lydia.” Bill stands right past the doorway with his arms crossed.
I bite my lip and close the door behind me. “I can explain.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t mind you going out, but what you do when you’re out is a problem. This place is small. You should have known I would find out. You’re a representation of me while you’re here, and you’ve already made quite a name for yourself. I know your father was lenient with things, but I’m not. I think it’s time you go home to your mother.”
Immediately, panic sets in. “No. Please. I’m not ready to go back, Uncle Bill.”
“I’m sorry, Lydia. I already called your mom. Have your stuff ready by tomorrow afternoon. She’s sending a friend to come get you.”
CHAPTER TEN
LYDIA
I didn’t come with much, so it was easy to get all my stuff gathered within minutes. I tried to call Carmen, but she won’t answer. I think she may be a little salty I kind of dropped her while I was here, but I didn’t want to hear all the gossip. I got enough of the CliffsNotes from my mom on my almost daily check-ins. I didn’t want to hear even more from Carmen.
I just figured she’d answer since she’s coming to get me.
I sit on the edge of the small twin bed I’ve called mine for the past year and pull my duffel bag to my side. I snatch my locket from the nightstand where I’ve kept it the entire time I’ve been here. I can’t bring myself to wear it doing all the bad shit I have.
My dad always praised me for being his “good girl,” and now I’m the furthest thing from that. I can’t have the reminder of him around my neck.
I twiddle my thumbs and scroll aimlessly through my phone until I hear the front door open. I hike my bag onto my shoulder and walk out.
When I look to the door, my feet stop moving and my cheeks heat.
“Lydia.” Malcolm smiles, clapping my uncle Bill on the back, then stepping closer to me. “Your mom sent me to collect you.”
“Collect me? I’m not some sort of fucking property, and I’m not going with you,” I snap.
“Lydia!” Bill chastises, but Malcolm holds up his hand to silence him.
“It’s fine, Bill. Head to work like you need. I can handle this.”
Bill nods and steps to me. “I love you, kid. Sorry things did
n’t work out longer.” He pulls me into a quick hug, then presses a kiss to my forehead before turning away and walking out the door.
Malcolm closes the door behind him, then turns back to me. “Let’s not make this difficult, Lydia. You’re coming with me whether you like it or not.”
I drop my bag and cross my arms. “No, thank you.”
He clicks his tongue and shakes his finger. “You don’t have a choice.”
“Actually, I do.” I slip my phone from my pocket and hit my voice memos.
Only a second passes before his voice along with my own fills the room. I let it play, making sure he knows exactly what it is before I hit Stop. I take a step closer. “Do you like what you see, Mr. McLane?”
I’m not proud I still have the memo, and I’m not proud I still secretly listen to it, but he doesn’t need to know any of that.
His nostrils flare, but the rest of his face stays poised as I mock myself.
“Did you really think I fucked you because I wanted to? I did it so I had something to hold over your head. I had plans to use this—” I hold up my phone in his face. “—to get your signature. To make you sign over the club.”
His eyes go from zeroing in on the empty hallway to snapping to mine. “Too bad your old man kicked the bucket before you could, huh?” He smiles, snatching my phone and throwing it to the ground.
As his designer shoe stomps over it, my heart breaks, but I don’t let it show. “You think those are the only copies I have?” I laugh.
“I don’t give a fuck what you have, Lydia, because I’m sure what I have on you is worse.” He pushes my hair behind my ear before leaning down and brushing his lips over it. “Wouldn’t want your poor mom to know all of the things you did while you were here, right?”
I let myself melt into his touch for a moment. For an entire year, I’ve wanted him. The lust never went away, but I can’t do this. It was wrong of me to even start this shit and even more wrong of him to fuck me.