by Hilary Dartt
Josie: I didn’t let myself. It just happened.
Delaney: So you couldn’t leave The Pennant at 4:45?
Josie: Scott ordered another round. I drank it.
Delaney: Couldn’t let the vodka cran go to waste?
Josie: Exactly.
Delaney: So he was mad, huh?
Josie: Yep.
Why did Delaney have to force her to experience the evening all over again?
Delaney: And he just left? No romance?
Josie: No romance.
Delaney: So when I texted you just now, did you think it was Paul?
Josie: Yep.
Delaney: Disappointed?
Josie: Well…
Delaney: Yep.
Josie: Yep.
Josie poured herself a fourth glass, and downed half of it in one gulp.
Delaney: Sorry. But you’ve got to own this one.
Josie: I know. I felt so bad about it, and of course I lashed out. Reminded him about all his shortcomings. Shit.
Delaney: Shit. Well, one step forward, one step back.
Josie: Something like that.
Delaney: Okay, I’m going to say something, and I am pretty sure you’re not going to like it. Don’t throw your phone against the wall.
“How did she know?” Josie said. “The woman is practically clairvoyant.”
Josie: I won’t. What is it?
Delaney: You’ve got to show Paul you’re serious about making this work. You have to be on time. I know you have a habit of being late. But Paul is a cop. He’s always early-on-time. So being late is a huge insult. I learned that from you. You should know better. Let’s make it two steps forward. Okay?
“Ugh!” Josie said again. She felt her fingers curling tightly around the edges of her phone. Automatic response. “Ugh, ugh, ugh! The woman is dead on.”
Josie: Fine.
Delaney: LOL. Fine. Don’t make me come over there.
Josie: Fine.
***
After finishing the pinot noir, Josie felt a sudden need to be honest with Summer and Delaney. Really honest.
She started a group text, noting with a smile that their last group text conversation had revolved around how Delaney should let Jake know what kind of ring she liked.
Josie had said: Just give him a picture you cut out of a magazine. Summer had advised: Take him to the jewelry store. Shit. If you don’t start telling him what you want now, you may as well kiss it all good-bye.
The next day, Delaney made a little photo collage for Jake, and then took him to The Lucky Emerald for an engagement ring tour.
That evening, she texted the girls: Well, he didn’t pull out the credit card, but I could see his wheels turning. A proposal is imminent, I can feel it.
Summer and Josie had each texted back a smiley face.
For a moment, Josie felt guilty about tainting those happy moments with her confession. But it had to be done. She took a deep breath and began typing.
There is something I need to tell you guys. It may come as somewhat of a shock.
Neither Summer nor Delaney responded for what seemed like forever. But when she checked the time stamp on her phone, she realized only three minutes had passed when Summer answered first.
Summer: You’re actually an alien? Which explains your unnatural beauty and sexy curves?
Delaney: Good one, Summer. That would explain it.
Josie smiled. Her fingers hesitated above her phone’s keyboard. She didn’t want to tell them. But she had to tell someone. She couldn’t keep this secret anymore.
Finally, she typed: I had a fling with Scott Smith. Before I married Paul. It was very steamy. I didn’t know he was going to be my boss. Well, not at first. By the time he told me, it was too late. Head over ass and all that. We ended it that first school year he started at Juniper Elementary, but there has always been … chemistry.
This time, neither of her friends answered for more than five minutes. It felt like an eternity.
Anything? she typed.
Finally, Delaney mustered up the courage to respond.
Delaney: Whoa.
Summer: I mean, whooooa, Nelly.
Delaney: Why haven’t you ever told us?
Summer: Yeah. I mean, why haven’t you?
Josie: It was right after my mom died. I thought you guys would think it was inappropriate and I knew you’d say my emotions were messed up, especially because I thought he might be my soul mate. It was such a short relationship. When we discovered he was going to be my boss, we agreed it had to end. Plus, he asked me to keep it a secret.
That wasn’t exactly how the true story went. Scott had known all along he’d be her boss when the school year started. He just hadn’t revealed it to Josie right away. And since she was reliving the true story, she felt a little pang of hurt when she remembered how it had been Scott who said they couldn’t be together. They never really agreed on that.
Summer: When was this? I mean, RIGHT after your mom died?
Josie: It was right before I met Paul.
Summer: OMG! Is this when you got that mysterious flu thing that kept coming and going like some kind of freak monsoon storm?
Josie: One and the same.
Delaney: I can’t believe you lied to us for what? Like 4 weeks? 5? Plus, like, three quarters of a decade!
Summer: I also can’t believe you lied to us.
Josie waited. She couldn’t believe it, either. It was the first secret she had ever kept from them.
Delaney: This is the first secret you’ve ever kept from us. Right? Or are there others?
Josie: It’s the one and only. Oh! Besides the time I stuffed my bra with my brother’s gloves the first day of freshman year. You guys were both so nervous you didn’t even notice.
Summer: You did that?
Josie: Yep.
Delaney: Stay on topic, ladies. So you’ve been forced to face Scott Smith every day since this magical love affair that gave you mysterious flu-like symptoms?
Josie: Pretty much.
Summer: Oh, honey.
Josie: I. Know.
Delaney: So. Why didn’t you tell us?
Josie: Shit! I don’t know!
Actually, she did know. Scott swore her to secrecy. On a pinky promise or something. But she wouldn’t tell them that, either. When she looked at that fact from their point of view, she realized he really did seem manipulative.
***
As Josie prepared for bed that night, alone, her inner voice repeated a single word over and over again: manipulative.
The thought made her squeeze the toothpaste tube so hard she squirted toothpaste on the counter. It made her pop a button off her pajama shirt.
The realization had begun to dawn on her a long time ago, disguised as a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach. At first, she attributed it to nerves. Nerves about being around Scott, nerves about her role as the principal of Juniper Elementary next year, nerves about her marriage failing.
But now that she looked back on it she realized it wasn’t nerves at all. It was the feeling of losing control of her own life, one small event at a time.
It was the feeling of being manipulated.
Turning off the lights in the house one by one, she ticked off a list of instances in which she felt out of control.
She experienced it when Scott talked her into going for drinks earlier that afternoon, when she should have come home to Paul. The time Scott told her their being together would ruin both their careers. The moment she saw that orange folder on his passenger seat, and years ago when he dipped a hand below her waistband at the back of the auditorium during the fifth-grade play.
Darkness now blanketed the house, and Josie felt sick to her stomach again.
Had Scott ever really cared about her? Or had every single move, every touch, every conversation been some sort of power play?
Josie pulled the comforter up to her chin, and whispered to Paul’s imaginary audience, “I know what I have to do.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“So I guess Paul’s going back to work the other night really sent a message,” Summer said. “You’re actually on time for Happy Hour.”
“Cotton-Eye Joe” played over the speakers, making Rowdy’s particularly festive. Josie remembered dancing to that song years ago, interlacing her arms with Summer’s and Delaney’s and scooting across the dance floor.
“Hey,” Josie said. “I’m going to make sure it’s not a happy hour for you if you don’t watch it.”
Gratitude washed over Josie. Everything seemed normal. Summer didn’t seem too affected by her admission the other night.
“So,” Delaney said, and Josie felt the air rush out of her lungs.
Benjamin arrived at the table, tray on his shoulder. Josie pointed at the spot in front of her, and he obliged, putting her vodka cranberry down first. She winked at him, and he set a second drink in front of her, shaking his head as he set down Delaney’s Guinness and Summer’s water.
“I can tell when you’re in a mood, woman,” he said. “And I don’t want to be the recipient of your bad temper.”
Summer and Delaney laughed as Benjamin walked away.
“Where were we?” Delaney said. “Oh, yeah. So. Josie. You’ve got to dish on this Scott Smith thing. A confession by text isn’t going to cut it.”
Josie nodded. She had expected this. Hoping the girls weren’t distressed by the confession was probably hoping for too much.
“I can’t believe we didn’t even know,” Summer said to Delaney. “I mean, how could we not have known? Does this mean I’m going to be a terrible lie-detector when Sarah’s a teenager?”
“Of course not,” Josie said. “You probably thought I was grieving my mom, which I was. You probably wanted to give me space. Plus, I have adult-level deception skills. Sarah’s will be teenage-level. You’ll be fine.”
“Let’s hope you’re right,” Summer said. “I hope you haven’t rubbed off on her. Remember that time you called the school three separate times on the same morning to report that we were sick? You pretended to be all of our moms so we could skip school and go to the mall for shopping and pedicures.”
“Still,” Josie said. “Teenage stuff. If that’s the worst Miss Sarah does, you’re doing great. We all got good grades and got into college.”
“Good point,” Summer said.
Delaney said, “Anyway. Speaking of adult-level deception skills, back to your big secret. Spill the details.”
Josie obliged. She knew there was no point in avoiding this conversation. The girls would get it out of her eventually. They had twenty years of practice.
She talked about how she met Scott at the square, and how charming he was, and how her response to the way he spoke and acted went against everything her mother had taught her about men. How it drew her in, and how she wanted to prove to her mom that poetry and flowers from a man could mean real love.
At first, Summer and Delaney made little “awww,” and “ooooh” sounds, appreciative of the romance, the steamy sex and the tragedy of the impending end.
But when Josie backtracked a bit, and got around to the part she was putting off, the part where Scott didn’t initially reveal he was going to be her boss and that fact precluded them from having a long term relationship, things changed. Her best friends, each of them so beautiful in her own way, wore matching grotesque expressions of anger. Their eyebrows drew together, their mouths frowned and they took matching swigs of their beverages.
“That dick,” Delaney said. “Why didn’t he tell you immediately?”
“He says it’s because he was so infatuated he didn’t want to end it before it even began.”
Delaney responded with a “Psh” sound, and Summer echoed her.
Josie added, “He says it’s because he’d rather spend a few weeks together than no time at all.”
“Oh, yessss,” Summer said, and hearing the sarcastic tone of her voice, Josie braced herself for what came next. “The whole, ‘It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all’ thing, right? That’s bullshit.”
Whew. I’m so glad they’re taking my side.
“I know you think we’re taking your side on this one,” Summer said.
Shit.
“But we’ve talked,” Delaney said. “And we agree that you need to bring this up at your next marriage counseling appointment.”
No. Nooooo. Josie imagined her inner voice falling off a cliff. The cliff of surprise.
After taking a moment to gather her wits, she spluttered, “Absolutely not. That would be the last straw. I got stuck having drinks with Scott just this week, and then I reveal I had a fling with him? A hot, steamy, romantic fling? I don’t think so.”
“Wait,” Delaney said. “Did you tell Paul you were discussing extracurriculars?”
She put finger quotes on “extracurriculars,” and when Josie nodded, Delaney practically spit out the drink of beer she’d taken.
“Shit. I guess you can’t tell him,” Delaney said.
“Delaney!” Summer said. “Of course she can. If this little meeting, or discussion, or drinks date, or whatever the hell it was, was above board, then there is no reason she shouldn’t tell him. And if it was not above board, and was more along the lines of a secret tryst … well, then there is no reason she shouldn’t tell him. Capisce?”
Properly chastised, Delaney hung her head. She was smiling a bit when she looked up at Josie under her eyelashes.
“I guess you’d better tell him,” she said.
“And Dr. Strasser,” Summer added.
Delaney nodded. “And Dr. Strasser.”
***
Once the girls had finally taken their claws out of her relationship with Scott, Josie thought she was in the clear. She thought they might talk more about Summer’s band or Delaney’s impending proposal.
No such luck.
“I hate to hammer you about The Marriage Intervention, Josie,” Summer said, “but—”
“I can see the light shining in your eyes, Summer,” Josie said. “You love this.”
“She does love it,” Delaney said. “Her greatest calling in life is to be a mother, and now she can mother you, too.”
They all laughed, but the hilarity came to a screeching halt when Summer said, “We’re going to the gym this weekend. Yoga. Nine a.m. Saturday. No buts about it.”
Josie put her head down on the table.
“I hate yoga.”
“We know,” Summer said. “Just be glad we’re not making you go to hot yoga. You sweat a lot in hot yoga.”
Delaney rolled her eyes. “Which is why Summer loves it. I’m going to hate yoga as much as you do, Josie, but it’s going to be good for both of us. I have to look good in a wedding dress. And you have to look good naked in bed with your husband.”
“And you also have to look so good Scott Smith can’t keep his jaw off the floor,” Summer said. “Rat bastard.”
***
The question really isn’t, “Should I or shouldn’t I?” It’s, “will I or won’t I?”
Josie stood in the staff bathroom at work, brushing her hair. She knew Summer and Delaney were right. She should tell Paul and Dr. Strasser she had a fling with Scott. Yes, it was old news. But it was also affecting her now. Maybe talking it out would help.
Or maybe it would just make things worse.
“I don’t know what to do,” Josie said to her reflection.
She took her loose powder out of her bag, and began brushing it onto her face. One of the toilets flushed, and Josie jumped. Susie Lockhart, the teacher who introduced Josie to Paul, emerged.
“Heard you talking to yourself,” she said, grinning at Josie in the mirror. “What’s the dilemma?”
The two of them weren’t best friends or even confidants. But Josie genuinely liked Susie. They often sat together at potluck lunches, sipping water to choke down dry scones and making jokes about sneaking in vodka in a flask. According to Susie, she’d
prefer white wine, but if Josie brought the hard stuff, she wouldn’t turn it down.
Susie had broken eye contact. She was washing her hands. Josie knew she could brush off Susie’s question with a quick joke. But for some reason, she wanted to confide in her.
Probably because you want a third opinion and you’re hoping it’s different from Summer’s and Delaney’s. But whatever.
“The thing is,” Josie began. “I had a relationship a while back. Before you introduced me to Paul. It’s in the past. Way in the past. Ancient history. But for some reason I’ve been thinking of it more lately. Paul and I have started going to marriage counseling, you know, just to work on things. My two best friends think that since I keep thinking about Mr. History, I should bring it up in counseling. They think Paul deserves to know, especially since I sometimes run into Mr. History in town.”
Susie didn’t have to know Mr. History was just downstairs in this very building at this very moment.
Scrubbing her hands vigorously, Susie pursed her full lips. When she nodded, her shiny blond curls bobbed.
“You know, I have to say, I agree with your friends.”
Ugh.
As Josie applied her lip gloss, she watched Susie turn off the water and pull way too many paper towels out of the dispenser.
“I can tell that’s not what you wanted to hear,” Susie said. “But I’ve actually been through this before. Maybe you’re thinking about Mr. History because you’re missing a certain aspect of your relationship with him. If you can figure out what it is, you can work on finding closure or bringing more of that aspect into your relationship with Paul.”
She tossed her used paper towels into the garbage can. Josie zipped her makeup back into its little bag.
“You know, you surprise me, Susie,” she said. “I expected you to say something about bringing vodka to our next counseling appointment. But you’ve gone and gotten all deep on me this afternoon.”
Susie shrugged at Josie in the mirror. “For once I’m thinking like an adult instead of a second grader. Please forgive me. We’ll talk wine on Monday.”