by Dirk Bogarde
In despair I reached up and finished off the Hennessy bottle and shoved it upside down into the wastepaper basket. Un Sospiro droned through the room mournfully.
“I don’t want to be a Movie Star! They keep asking me if I want to be one … for God’s sake! I’m nearly forty! I never wanted to be one, not from the beginning … and always on my own terms … this is on their terms … I want to go back to those Dull Little English Movies they keep sneering about … maybe I am a late developer but it’s too late to develop into something I don’t want to be … Call Vidor tomorrow, and Feldman, call them now, tonight… help me!”
Wearily Tony switched off the player. I watched him hopefully, cunningly, through a haze of Hennessy and self pity, this time tomorrow I’d be on that Pan Am flight out of this monstrous place filled with monstrous, ugly, people. Carefully he slid Un Sospiro back into its yellow cover, not looking at me, preoccupied, worried, thoughtful. I knew all the danger signs.
“What is it?”
“Well…”
“Well what, for God’s sake?”
“Well… no one’s ever done it before …”
“Done what?”
“Eighty-five minutes of Classical Music…without a Double.”
“Oh shit! Who’ll know? Who’ll care?”
“You will,” he said evenly and placed the record carefully back on the pile.
Victor Aller looked up from his piano without welcome. He finished off whatever he was playing and sat silent.
“Your eyes look funny. Smog?”
“Yes … it’s bad today.”
“When I first came here it was all Citrus orchards… sky was blue…”
“Could you go through my bit of the Campanella … slowly for me?”
“Sure … but it gets hellish fast.”
“I’ll just watch … watch your hands…”
“Here we go. La Campanella …”
“Play it three or four times, will you … at that speed?”
I stood there watching those beautiful hands moving across the keys with elegance, love and confidence. He looked up at me and smiled through his glittery glasses:
“What are you doing, waiting for the lightning to strike?”
“Something like that,” I said.
Illustrations
Self, August 1939
1 My sister and I, July 1927
2 My sister and I in the village, 1932
Aleford’s stallion in Great Meadow
3 Jane Newbold, my mother, sister, self and Lally Cuckmere Haven, 1931
Family picnic with the Renault. Ashdown Forest, 1929
4 My mother, Elizabeth, Rogan, 1938
Family group by the pond, November 1940
5 Grandfather Aimé on the Amazon, 1907-8
6 My maternal grandfather as Charles Surface, “The School for Scandal”
My mother with Abe Barker in “Bunty Pulls The Strings”, Haymarket Theatre, 1911
7 Myself as Raleigh, Mr (Lionel) Cox as Osborne in “Journey’s End”, Newick, 1938
William Wightman with members of the Company, Uckfield, June 1939
8 My father in his office at Printing House Square, The Times, 1938
Satyres Wood, the Somme, 1916. From my sketch books of 1938-39
9 Self and Natalie Jordan, “Grief Goes Over”, Amersham 1940
Lieutenant Anthony Forwood, R.A., Summer 1940
The Playhouse, Amersham on the Hill, 1940
The pen and ink drawings that appear throughout the text are by the author
Plate Section
Self taken by my father one morning at The Times for the audition at the Old Vic, August 1939.
1 My sister and I sitting on the back stairs, July 1927.
2(a) My sister and I in the village. She wearing her “hate”. 1932.
2(b) Aleford’s stallion (Dobbin) in Great Meadow. Self and sister.
3(a) Jane Newbold (a friend of my parents), my mother, sister and self, Lally on right. Cuckmere Haven, 1931.
3(b) Family picnic with the Renault. Ashdown Forest, 1929.
4(a) My mother, Elizabeth, Rogan, 1938.
4(b) Family group by the pond. I am wearing the Green Suit from the Fire Sale. Gareth and Rogan. Taken in November 1940.
5 Grandfather Aimé, in the middle, with an unknown friend and their guide. Somewhere on the Amazon about 1907-8 in their base hut. Note orchids everywhere which were, so I was told, the reason for the family’s “ruin”. The skin survived, smelly and cracking, for many years. The small snapshot, on the shelf, of my father aged 6, stands on my bedside table today.
6(a) My maternal grandfather as Charles Surface, “The School for Scandal”.
6(b) My mother with Abe Barker in “Bunty Pulls The Strings”, Haymarket Theatre, 1911.
7(a) Myself as Raleigh, Mr (Lionel) Cox as Osborne in “Journey’s End”, Newick, 1938.
7(b) William Wightman (far right) with members of the Company. Eric Rutherford, Peggy Pritchard, Uckfield, June 1939.
8(a) My father in his office at Printing House Square, The Times, 1938.
8(b) Satyres Wood, the Somme, 1916. One of the many “agonized sketches” from my 1938-39 sketch books at the Chelsea Poly. This was probably pinched from an old photograph.
9(a) Self and Natalie Jordan, “Grief Goes Over”, Amersham 1940.
9(b) Lieutenant Anthony Forwood R.A., Summer 1940.
9(c) The Playhouse, Amersham on the Hill, 1940.
A Note on the Author
Sir Dirk Bogarde (1921–1999) was an English actor and novelist. Initially a matinee idol, Bogarde later acted in art-house films such as Death In Venice; between 1947 and 1991, Bogarde made more than sixty films.
In his writing career, as well as completing six novels, Bogarde wrote several volumes of autobiography. For over two decades he lived in Italy and France, which was where he began to write seriously. In 1985 he was awarded an honorary degree of Doctor of Letters by the University of St Andrews and in 1990 was promoted to Commandeur de l’Ordre des Arts et des Lettres by the French government.
Sir Dirk Bogarde has a legion of fans to this day – an extraordinary commitment to an extraordinary man.
Discover books by Dirk Bogarde published by Bloomsbury Reader at
www.bloomsbury.com/DirkBogarde
A Gentle Occupation
A Particular Friendship
A Period of Adjustment
A Postillion Struck by Lightning
A Short Walk from Harrods
An Orderly Man
Backcloth
Cleared for Take-Off
Closing Ranks
For the Time Being
Great Meadow
Jericho
Snakes and Ladders
Voices in the Garden
West of Sunset
For copyright reasons, any images not belonging to the original author have been removed from this book. The text has not been changed, and may still contain references to missing images.
This electronic edition published in 2014 by Bloomsbury Reader
Bloomsbury Reader is a division of Bloomsbury Publishing Plc, 50 Bedford Square,
London WC1B 3DP
First published in Great Britain in 1977 by Chatto & Windus
Copyright © 1977 Dirk Bogarde
All rights reserved
You may not copy, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (including without limitation electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, printing, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.
The moral right of the author is asserted.
eISBN: 9781448214433
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