Madness Solver in Wonderland

by E E Rawls

  “Are there ice cubes? I’d like to turn this into iced coffee.”

  “In the basement.”

  Cheshire followed him down, paws folded behind his back like a watchful mentor. “So, you have a better understanding of what’s to be expected of you now, yes? How the job works?”

  Madnes pulled out a bag of ice from a large ice box. “To be honest, I don’t get the point.” He headed back upstairs to the brewing coffee. “Just what all is in this Madness Solver job description? Do you have some sort of check list or something I can follow?” He couldn’t help saying it with added sarcasm.

  “As a matter of fact, yes.” Cheshire pulled out a rolled paper tucked inside his blue silk vest. “Just printed it this morning.”

  With a stupefied look on his face, Madnes took the sheet and read:

  “The Purpose and Duty of the Madness Solver”

  To keep the peoples of both worlds in harmony.

  To keep those who know about Wonderland quiet: not allowing them to spread word to the rest of Earth nor start a possible battle of the worlds and other such drama.

  To act as mediator between worlds, and the representative of Earth to the Wonderland Kingdom.

  And to help keep watch with the current Cheshire over all portals connecting both worlds.

  Madnes finished reading and looked up at the cat, who now stood on the countertop to be eye-level with him—a mentor should be taller than his pupil, after all.

  “You do realize I have no idea how to go about doing any of these things, right?” he stated plainly.

  Cheshire nodded.

  “Keep the peoples of both worlds in harmony?” he read again. “How am I supposed to do that? I can’t make the people around me listen to anything I have to say, let alone people I don’t even know!”

  “There are Earthians who would love to get their hands on Wonderland, and likewise there are Wonderlanders who would love to get their hands on Earth. There are predators and masterminds on both sides, and it’s your job to make sure they behave. It’s quite vital. But don’t get your knickers in a twist just yet, Madnes. You will learn, and you have the power to back you up—that power is quite important in making people listen to you.”

  “Predators and masterminds?” He folded the paper and put it in his jacket pocket with a newfound anxiety. “Speaking of the power—” he began.

  Suddenly a bell jingled, cutting him off, as the front glass door swung open.

  Something short entered the office, and Madnes had to lean over the counter to see who or what it was.

  The most pristine woman approached them both, wearing red-frame glasses and a matching red handbag, complete with a fancy bonnet on her graceful head. Only, she had a beak for a nose, and a long white neck. In fact, despite her pristine attire and snooty aura, she was a goose. A rather large goose, compared to regular gooses in Oswick; she reached well above his waist. Her wingtip feathers like fingers adjusted the glasses perched above her beak as she eyed the human and debonair cat.

  “This is the Madness Solver Office, if I am not mistaken?” Her voice matched her pristine looks, and a flowery perfume hung in the air.

  “Indeed it is, Madam Mother Goose!” Cheshire swiped his hat off and gave a bow.

  “Mother...Goose?” Madnes wanted to exclaim but a sharp cat-boot heel met his big toe, silencing him.

  “What can we do for you, madam?” offered Cheshire.

  “It’s my precious yet so naughty son, Ugly,” she replied, resting her handbag on the counter. “He’s gone and disappeared. I need you to find him and bring him back to me. But safely, mind you—not a feather on his head may be harmed!” A handkerchief that she suddenly held dabbed at her bird eyes—much larger and more eyelashed than normal Earth birds.

  “What is his full name?”

  “Ugly Duckling Goose.”

  “Where was he last seen?”

  “Last night, at our home in the Shoe. I tucked him in bed.”

  “Hmm.” Cheshire looked to be taking notes. “Any ideas as to where he might have gone? Does he have a favorite hiding place or a secret getaway?”

  “None that I know of.” She frowned as bitterly as her bill would allow. “Are you done questioning me? This valuable time should be spent searching for him, not lollygagging around with questions!” She blew into her handkerchief. “Ohhhh, my poor Ugly. Poor, poor naughty Ugly!”

  Madnes bit his cheek. Lollygagging? What a demanding, snooty fowl... He wanted to snatch that handkerchief away.

  “Yes, well, I think we have enough to start on, then,” said Cheshire, taking care to ignore Madnes’s incredulous expression. “We’ll get on the case, straight away, madam. We’ll find your Ugly, don’t you worry about a thing!”

  “Oh.” The handkerchief vanished and the tears stopped; the goose returned to her pristine self now that she’d gotten what she wanted. “Good, very good. I expect to hear from you soon.” She walked—waddled—to the door. “Remember: not a feather harmed!” she emphasized, as if she were the queen herself.

  “Of course.” Cheshire bowed again, and the bell jingled her exit.

  “Mother Goose from the nursery rhyme? And a snooty one, at that?” Madnes was finally free to exclaim.

  “A descendant. What, are you surprised? Where did you think all those stories came from? For hundreds of years Madness Solvers and select people have known about Wonderland and traveled its world. Then, some got the horrid idea to turn what they saw into folk tales, and then into books. Like that Lewis man: turning our world into a story for profit. How rude is that? Making money off us is what it felt like.” Cheshire dusted his paws, irate. “People in those tales were based off of real people, only twisted into a stranger version.” He nodded to Madnes, “Like the Hatter family, and the March’s—”

  “Wait, hold up! My ancestor was that crazy lunatic? I refuse to be compared to him.”

  “Not as crazy as they made him out to be in the tale. Just a bit like your mother is, I’d say.”

  Madnes was about to protest, then thought better of it. Mom was a bit quirky.

  “And are you the original Cheshire?” Madnes leaned forward, studying the feline through narrowed eyes.

  “Goodness, no! I don’t have a mad giggle. And I don’t float about in pieces! Erm, well, maybe sometimes—when it’s necessary. But I absolutely never mad giggle! It was my fool of an ancestor who they got that Cheshire impression from.” He sniffed.

  “Family history. Who ever would have guessed?” Madnes finally sipped his finished iced coffee. “Maybe I should write a book, too, and make some money...”

  A paw pinched his ear. “Do, and I’ll haunt you for life.”

  “You already are.” He fended off the paw. “Why is Mother Goose here, anyway? And you—any of you Wonderlanders—why do any of you want to live here?”

  He had always wanted to leave this island and go exploring, yet here these creatures were leaving their magical world to come to this boring place? It made no sense.

  “Madnes, it’s rude to pry,” Cheshire said. But at his sidelong glare, the cat relented and shrugged his furry shoulders. “Why do humans want to live on the moon?” he asked him instead. “It’s airless, waterless, freezing, and you could never enjoy taking a shower again. Yet, people still want to try it out. Well, it’s the same thing.”

  “...Huh?” Madnes squinted.

  “Hoping for a better life in a new world—that’s what it is, Madnes. That feel of getting a fresh start, and the excitement of exploring someplace new. We aren’t that much different from you Earthians, in that respect.” He showed a toothy cat grin.

  “Now you look like your crazy ancestor.”

  The grin wiped off. “I’m not as fluffy.” Cheshire tore a paper from a little notepad he’d jotted notes on and placed it on the counter. “We should get going to—”

  “Cheshire.”

  “Hm?” The cat was busy looking away, clearly still offended.

  “Has the power e
ver...spoken to you?”

  At that, he turned, wide cat eyes locking on him. “Spoken? Is that what you said?”

  “...Yeah.”

  Cheshire’s reaction made him wonder whether he should have mentioned it or not.

  “There are a few strange rumors passed down from previous Cheshires about the power, but nothing more. Are you certain it actually spoke to you? Did it have an appearance?”

  “Ah, well, it sort of had wings like a fairy: those glistening, see-through kind. And there was a lot of white everywhere and mist. I’m not sure, it was hard to tell. But...it was definitely a person of some sort.” Madnes let his voice drop. An uneasiness took hold of him. “Do you know what it could be?”

  Cheshire’s paw rubbed his furry chin. “An old power from Wonderland, something ancient and forgotten? I’m not sure, Madnes. But it may be worth looking into during our spare time.”

  “You’ve got plenty of it right now.” Madnes’s arms crossed.

  “Don’t be silly. I have to help you find Ugly. You’re still a rookie at this.”

  “Pssht! How hard can finding one gosling be? Besides, I need to start somewhere on my own without clinging to a cat’s tail for guidance—pardon the expression.”

  Cheshire raised a furry eyebrow, studying him, then placed his miniature hat back on his head. “Very well, Madnes. Show me what you’re capable of. And, in the meantime, I’ll hop over to Wonderland’s library archives and see what I can dig up.”

  Chapter 13:

  Stalking Madnes

  SOMETHING WAS GOING on with that Hatter. Something he wasn’t even willing to tell his best friends about. And it made Harrey pout and grimace just thinking about it. “Says he has some new job, huh? What new job?”

  Harrey’s gaze fixed blankly ahead, not paying attention to anything but his swirling thoughts. Hands in pockets, he didn’t watch where he was going on the sidewalk until he bumped into something that yelped.

  A short blonde stepped back from colliding with his chest, rubbing her achy nose. “Harrey, get your head out of the clouds and pay attention when you’re walking!”

  “Whoops. Sorry, Alice.”

  She grabbed his arm suddenly, startling him, and pulled him off the sidewalk and behind a garbage bin. “W-wha?” he stammered. She released him and he fell backwards on his backside. “Whoa, Alice. Look, I know I’m attractive and all, but you and me just wouldn’t work out.”

  Her hand clamped over his mouth, shutting him up. She wasn’t looking at Harrey. Instead, she peered stealthily from around the bin, her focus on the opposite side of the street. He tried to crane his neck sideways and see, pushing against her hand.

  “Mam-mif?” he tried to say through the hand. It was Madnes she was watching, unmistakable with his carrot-red hair and maroon top hat. “Fwat he fwooing?”

  Irritated, Alice finally released her hold over his mouth, and he spluttered, “What’s he doing? And more weirdly, why are you stalking him?”

  “I’m not stalking!”

  He gave her a knowing look. “Admit it, girly. You’ve got the hots for him.”

  “No, I do not!” Her face reddened. “That’s not why I’m— Just shut it and listen, Harrey! Madnes hasn’t been himself lately, and I want to find out why. I want to see this new job of his.”

  “Ohhh.” The lights finally dawned in Harrey’s brain. “Okay. But you still got the hots for him.”

  “Shut it!”

  He dodged her slap. “You didn’t deny it.”

  “Be quiet! I’m on a mission here. Either butt out or keep up. I don’t have time for this!”

  Madnes was on the move, and Alice dashed out from behind the concealment of the bin, sprinting several yards before ducking behind the shadow of a street bench.

  Harrey clumsily followed, bumping into things and tripping over his feet. She rolled her eyes.

  Finally scooting up close beside her, Harrey peeked from around the bench arm for a better look at their quarry.

  MADNES WAVED AWAY A puff of steam from a passing steam car as he headed towards the edge of town: to where the Shoe—Mother Goose’s home—was supposed to be.

  A nervous chill ran down his back suddenly, as if pairs of eyes were watching him from somewhere.

  Madnes quickly turned around, scanning both sides of the street. There was nothing there but a few pedestrians minding their own business.

  “Hmm...” He exhaled and rubbed the goosebumps from his arms.

  “YOU IDIOT!” ALICE’S fist came down over Harrey’s head. “You almost gave us away!”

  Harrey rubbed at a rising lump on his noggin. “Okay, okay! I tied my shoelaces. See? I won’t trip again.” He pleaded for mercy. “I gotta admit though,” he peeked out at Madnes’s fading back, “he sure is up to something...”

  HOW DO YOU GO ABOUT finding a lost duckling—erm, gosling, or whatever it was?

  Check the nearest pool or waterway? Fountains?

  Well, whatever the answer, he would start at the Shoe house. It seemed logical to begin at the missing person’s dwelling.

  “Beware...”

  The word rasped in Madnes’s ear. Jitters crawled up his spine and he turned around sharply, expecting some horrid Wonderland monster. Instead, what hovered before him like a butterfly, was a thing he could only describe as a rocking-horse with dragonfly wings.

  “Of what?” he asked it.

  “Beware...” it rasped again. “Oswick sinks further into danger. The Red King wills to take all for himself. Beware the portals!” The insect rocked back-and-forth and wheezed, like a prophet in trance. “Seven crystals—you must destroy them all! Destroy them aaall!”

  The horse head shook and whinnied. Wings buzzing, the insect rocked up and away, off into the clouds as he watched.

  Madnes stood there.

  “Okay. Yep. Wonderland is weird. I should be used to this by now.” He sucked in a breath. “Moving on!”

  HARREY AND ALICE HAD both watched as Madnes gazed up at the air and spoke to nothing.

  They both shared a look.

  “Is he okay in the head?” Harrey wondered.

  THE BUILDINGS AND BUSTLING faded as Madnes reached the edge of town. Here the houses and odd lopsided structures were spaced farther apart, mingling with fisheries and farmed patches of fields and distant forests.

  He scanned over every bit of water he came across, but no Ugly was there.

  A large silhouette in the shape of a shoe came into view.

  Why a goose family would want to live in a giant shoe, he had no idea. He crossed the grass field leading up to it, tall stalks clawing at his pants. It looked like your classic weathered, brown leather boot, complete with undone laces, only magnified to house-size and with windows poking out.

  “Living inside a shoe in the summer on a hot day...yeah, not something on my bucket list.”

  He knocked on a leathery thing like a door. But after waiting, no one answered.

  He pressed his face against a window but saw no one home.

  Hmm, what to do now?

  ‘Hey, fairy-power thing in my head. Could you give me a hint? Don’t use up my life force or anything, though! Just give me a little hint. You’re super smart, aren’t you?’

  No answer came—his mind as silent as a still pond except for his own thoughts.

  He grumbled. It had been worth a shot.

  “Okay. So, I gotta figure this out on my own.”

  He stepped back and forced the wheels of his brain to turn. “If I were a gosling with a bossy, prissy mother like that, where would I run? Far away...never to be found...”

  He thought and thought.

  “Oh no.” An idea suddenly hit him. “It’d better not be there. Surely not. No, he wouldn’t dare to go there...would he?”

  “WHAT IS MADNES doing?” Harrey peeked from behind one side of a tree trunk, while Alice peeked out from the other.

  In his vision, he saw a ratty abandoned shack out in the middle of a field, and Madnes the
re wandering around it.

  “Is he planning to break in? Has he finally hit his wits end and turned to the dark side? And now he goes around vandalizing abandoned shacks when no one’s looking? Oh, lost brother of mine! What has befallen thee that your heart hast now grown tainted with evil’s darkness!”

  Thunk!

  “Youch! Alwice, you mwade me bwite my twongue~” Harrey moaned.

  Madnes startled and turned around at the sound, looking their way.

  Alice quickly yanked Harrey down to the ground. “Rats, he heard that.”

  “Who’s there?” Madnes called out tentatively.

  She shoved Harrey’s face down into the dirt to silence him and pressed herself as close to the ground as her body would allow, hoping the grass would be enough to hide them.

  Madnes’s footsteps approached.

  Chapter 14:

  Where is Ugly Duckling?

  Half an Hour Earlier

  A GRAY GOSLING SNIFFLED. Tears dripped down his beak as he slowly waddled aimlessly at the edge of a corn field.

  “Hello, little goose.”

  Black feather wings like a crow spread wide, revealing a young man with slick-back blond hair and frost cold eyes.

  Ugly hopped backwards, startled, and craned his neck to better see the boy’s face.

  “I’m sensing that you are upset,” spoke the crowv boy. “Is it your mother? Is she being mean to you?”

  Ugly wiped gray pinions across his damp beady eyes. He wasn’t sure who this crowv person was, but he looked genuinely concerned and even offered him a consoling smile. And Ugly needed someone to vent to right now.

  “She never plays with me...she’s never there... And when she comes home after work, she just bosses me about and gets angry when I make a mistake.” He sniffled. “And I hate living in that old shoe!”

  The crowv shook his head understandingly. “What a wonderful coincidence this is for you, then, meeting me here today! I happen to know of a lovely place—a sacred pond, in fact—for birds of the water, such as you. Why, you could make a nice home for yourself there, away from your bossy mother.”