by Dex, Trace
“What’s your name, damsel?” he said, his voice deep and slow.
“C-Candace,” I said, sobbing a little less than before.
“Candace. Can-dess,” he said, lingering onto the ’s’ sound. “Candace in distress.”
“Please don’t kill me—”
”Candace what, dear?”
“Candace U-Unival.” I said with a stutter.
“Candace Unival. Can-dess Yoo-neval. A lovely name for a pretty girl, Candace,” he said, tracing his fingers from my chin up towards my cheek. “If I move this out of the way,” he said, tugging the blindfold, “will I see a pretty girl with pretty eyes?” He traced his palm slowly away from my cheek and made his way down towards my neck.”
The gentle hold of his palm against my neck was relaxing and unsettling all at once. His words were slow, calculated, and precise. There was a calmness in his voice, like those people that lead hypnosis session. It sounded a little raspy as well, causing his words to vibrate through my ears.
He moved his hand from my neck and slowly lifted the bottom of the blindfold, peaking in from below but. I caught a blurry glance of his eyes through the crevice. I bit my lip as he used his hand to gently guide my head left to right by using my chin. He made a noise every time he took a breath, like a calm growl moving in and out.
I heard a loud clicking noise and I squeezed my eyes shut. I thought I’d only see black, but it was red. The red that closed eyes could only see with the help of a light.
“So you’ve been able to see this whole time, haven’t you, Candace Unival?” he said, as another click brought the color back to black.
I gulped, nearly choking on my own saliva. Would he know if I was lying? Or would he trust me more if I were to just tell him the truth?
“Y-yes, but not really,” I muttered out. I knew I wasn’t a good liar, so honesty seemed like a safe bet. “My glasses. I-I can’t really see without my glasses.”
“You mean this thing?” he said, dangling a blurry object in front of me.
Rainer lifted my head again and I tried my best to look through the visible area of the blindfold, “Yeah.”
Rainer let go of my chin and stood up. I watched as the glasses suddenly fell onto the bloody floor between his boots. After what felt like forever, he lifted one foot and stomped down hard, shattering the glasses while splashing more blood against my ankles. He turned and slowly walked away while the other guys laughed in the background.
And just like that, the fear of imminent death returned.
There was a light scratchy sound in the distance. “Take a photo of this,” Rainer said. “And don’t take nothing, I mean it.”
I held my breath as the sounds of footsteps grew louder. The guy on the floor was coughing and crying harder than before.
“You scare easily, darling,” he said. Rainer stopped in front of me and brushed his fingers softly through my hair. “Did I scare ya?”
I gave him a nod and continued sobbing. “Oops,” he said. “Don’t worry, those weren’t your glasses — they belonged to him.” I could see Rainer nudging the guy on the floor with his foot, leaving red footprint stains all over the guys back.
I slowly adjusted different parts of body, ensuring it was all still there. My clothes were still on, all my limbs seemed to be there, and my wrists were definitely tied to one another behind my back. I could feel the hard chair against my knuckles as I moved my fingers around.
“Cut her and bring her outside, brother. Leave her eyes covered,” he said, as he walked away. “You two: bring him out there too.”
The pessimistic part of me overwhelmed my thoughts. I tried my best not to imagine what would happen next, but instead, all I could think were bad scenarios.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” the guy on the floor said as he was dragged away. “I’ll make sure to make all of this right, I swear it on my life.”
Two feet stopped before me and the glare from a metallic object made my heart stop. The person moved in closer and I could feel the warmth of his body. He didn’t smell that much different but I could tell it wasn’t Rainer. I felt a slight tug, let out a small screech, and braced myself. My hands were free.
“Stretch now if you need to,” he said. “Don’t do anything stupid. If I see your hands anywhere near your face, I’ll shoot you myself.”
I knew it was Brother because his voice sounded similar to Rainer’s voice, but in a slightly higher pitch. His words came out a little faster, too. After a quick stretch, he held onto my right arm and we made our way outside. We walked until the ground went from cement, to asphalt, then dirt, where we stopped for a moment. It was dark and the wind was cold, but I had no idea what time it was or how long I’d been out.
Brother continued to guide me through the sand, one step closer to the unknown. The familiar scent of alcohol and cigarettes filled the air as we moved closer toward the sound of Rainer’s voice. He whispered something to Brother, who let go of me and walked away. I couldn’t make out what he said.
Not long after, the loud sound of a bottle breaking had me frozen in place. Dust blew in all directions as someone fell face first onto the ground below me. All the hairs on my body shot straight up.
I braced myself, unsure of whether or not I was going to be next. My body was tense and I nearly jumped when I felt an arm land on my shoulders.
“Candace, Candace, Candace.” It was Rainer.
I didn’t say anything but for some reason I could sense that he was looking directly at me. I kept my eyes focused on the person on the floor — it was the same guy from earlier. He was even bloodier now with dirt and shards of glass surrounding him, a lot of it stuck to his skin.
“Why?” said the guy on the floor. His voice harsh, body trembling, and face bloodied. After a few seconds, he managed to look up in my direction. “I thought we had a deal?”
“You and me both,” said Rainer.
“Please, just let me go,” he begged. “None of you will get away with this without my help.”
“It’s not us that needs to get away with anything,” said Rainer.
Rainer whistled really loud and just like that, four boots stood in front of us. “It’s time,” said Rainer.
The four boots walked away and all I could see was the guy on the floor. His trembling hands were trying really hard to reach for one of our legs. I wanted to move away, but Rainer stayed still with his arm around me. The guy on the ground was wheezing and it didn’t look like he could move much at all.
“Smoke?” said Rainer. It didn’t register that he was talking to me until he softly squeezed my shoulder.
“N-no thanks,” I said. “I’m alright.” My automatic reply to everything, but after the words left my mouth I instantly hoped he wouldn’t be offended.
Rainer took his arm off my shoulder, and then proceeded to light his cigarette with a match. He tossed the match next to the guy on the ground, and then placed his arm back around my shoulders after putting the rest of the matches away. The guy’s face was orange for a moment until the flame died out.
The warmth of Rainer’s body helped to block the cold air, but I was still far from comfortable. I heard an engine start a few feet away from us, followed by another three engines behind me soon after. These three were louder than the first one and they all seemed to be making random popping noises. The sound shook the floor and sent waves through me.
Even with Rainer’s warm body pressed against mine, I couldn’t help but feel a chill in my spine as I watched the guy on the floor attempt to crawl. I heard footsteps heading towards our direction and I watched in silent shock as liquid began to drip on top of the guy. For some reason, the sound of liquid gushing out of a container was louder than the guy on the ground begging for his life. Or maybe my brain was trying to cancel things out, for my sake.
“Please! Don’t do this! I’ll do anything!” he pleaded. “Please!”
Rainer didn’t say anything, the only sound he made was when he inhaled and exh
aled his cigarette. I couldn’t see any cigarette smoke, but I could smell it. I tried to ignore the growing scent coming from the guy on the floor, but I knew exactly what the smell was: gasoline.
The red ashes fell from Rainer’s cigarette; some flew away while others seemed to land on top of the guy. Rainer removed his arm from my shoulders and squatted down closer to the guy. He continued to beg and plead, and Rainer continued smoking in silence. He just stared down at him, taking a puff every now and then.
Although my vision was still blurry, Rainer was in clear view. He had big, strong muscular arms that were covered in tattoos. His hair was slicked back in a messy fashion. I noticed the stubble around his mouth whenever he’d turn his head to blow the smoke away. I noticed the way he squinted his eyes as though he was trying to focus on something and nothing at the same time. Rainer wore faded black jeans that were ripped in different areas, black boots, and a black leather vest with no undershirt — at least from what I could see. On his vest was a large white logo that looked like a skull. Under the skull, it looked like it said California. To the side were the initials MC. I’m almost certain the words above the skull read Crisis.
“Let’s make this easy,” said Rainer, breaking his silence. “Where is she?”
“I don’t know!” the guy sobbed. “I mean it, I really have no idea where she is!”
He took another hit of his cigarette and exhaled, “Where is she?”
“I don’t know. I swear, I really don’t!”
Rainer paused for a moment, looking away as he combed his own hair back with his free hand. “This is your last chance,” he said in a calm voice. Then suddenly he yelled, “Where is she?” Rainer was already intimidating as it was, but the angry sound of his voice amplified my fear.
“Please! I don’t know! I really, really don’t know!”
Rainer looked up at the others and nodded, his eyes closed. “Very well.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know where she is. I’ll bring her to you! Please, just let me go. I’ll do anything—”
Rainer took a huge drag from his cigarette, put his head down as he held the smoke in for a moment, then exhaled a large cloud towards the guys bloody face before standing back up. The guy, still pleading for his life while surrounded by shattered glass and drenched in gasoline, continued to sob in between coughs. He lay there with an ounce of life left, begging for mercy. Rainer didn’t seem to acknowledge him at all.
It was over for that guy and I knew it.
I cringed when Rainer firmly grabbed my wrist. His reaction gave me the impression that he was the type of guy that usually gets what he wanted — but this time he didn’t. We walked a few feet towards one of the vehicles; the engine was still on from earlier. The popping sounds of the other engines grew louder as they moved closer to us. As firm as his grip was, it didn’t seem like he wanted to hurt me.
I didn’t know who this girl he was looking for was, or why he wanted to find her so badly. I didn’t know what the guy on the floor did, or if he even deserved any of the suffering he just took. All I knew was that Rainer could have let me die, or he could have killed me himself — but he didn’t.
For some reason, Rainer didn’t let go of me when we got to the door of the vehicle. I’m sure he knew I wasn’t going to run away, but he held on anyways. We didn’t say a word, and no one else did either. The only noise came from the howl of the wind, the roaring of the engines, and the mysterious guy still whimpering on the ground.
I stood motionless as I watched Rainer’s cigarette burn shorter and shorter each time it came into view. I held my breath, anticipating his next move. I dreaded the thought of what would happen once his cigarette became too small to smoke anymore. It was hard to accept, but it was obvious that something bad was about to happen.
Rainer finally released his grip from my wrist and lifted the lit cigarette. He watched as it burned for a moment, and it all felt longer than it probably was.
He slowly lifted his free hand, and to my surprise, he began to put the cigarette out in his palm. I allowed myself to exhale as I watched the unlit butt fall to the ground.
“Get in, sweetheart,” he said. “Careful, watch your head.”
He placed the clean palm above my head and I moved in with his guidance. I sat with my hands on my lap, afraid that if I made any sudden movements, I’d be shot. I sat in silence in the empty and dark vehicle, surrounded by the sound of roaring engines outside. There wasn't any noise inside; no breathing or anything, so I hoped that meant I was alone. The car smelled like cigarette smoke with a hint of pine. I don’t know what triggered it, but I started sobbing. It began slowly at first, then without warning, I lost all control. I don’t believe I ever cried this hard, not even as a kid. I wasn’t even sure if these tears were from fear, sadness, or relief. It felt like a bit of everything, to be honest. Overwhelming yet liberating. I felt as though all the feelings I had suppressed inside of me for all these years had finally found its way out.
When the vehicle door shut, I took a few deep breaths to calm down. I could still feel the cold breeze flowing past my face, and I could still hear the engines blaring from outside, so it was safe to assume the window was down. Aside from the blindfold, everything in that moment felt familiar to me, and familiarity was exactly what I needed.
And just as I finally began to feel secure, another familiar sound from earlier brought me back to reality. The quick, sharp, strike of a match against the grain. Like metal scraping concrete, followed by a sizzle, that would ignite the flame.
I could smell the strong scent of Rainer’s newly lit cigarette; I could still hear the loud pop from the engines around me; I could feel the night breeze against my skin; and I already accepted the darkness for what it was.
This was how I wanted it to stay. A small sense of peace before they’d set me free. But the flickering light that seemed impossible to ignore still lingered through the cracks. It became clear that this was only a temporary moment of solace.
I know that once the smoke takes on a different scent, and when his screams are all I hear — I know I’ll never be the same again. And when the heat overpowers the cold night air, and when orange becomes the new black — I’ll wish not one, but all my senses could disappear.
* * *
CHAPTER TWO
Candace
You’re still alive because you told the truth.
Written on wrinkled paper, folded neatly around my license. The first thing I saw when I went to check if they stole any money from my purse. And to my surprise, they didn’t.
I read the note over and over trying my best to decipher it in any way, believing it meant something more. I wondered if there was some deeper subliminal message to it — like, maybe it was congratulatory, or maybe it was a threat. After a while, I came to the conclusion that the note probably didn’t have some kind of hidden agenda. The words didn’t carry any significant meaning, either. No, it was what it was: bare, unedited, and straight to the point.
Honesty was something I always practice, just not so much with myself. I knew who I was, and how I felt most of the time — or at least I thought I did. With time, I’ve learned to fake my emotions for the convenience of others. I was used to pretending that everything was all right. The time I spent blindfolded in that chair was probably the most honest I’d ever been with myself in years.
I didn’t leave my apartment for three days after the incident. To my own surprise, it wasn’t out of fear. For some reason I wasn’t worried that they’d come back for me. I guess the way Rainer treated me before dropping me off at that bus station gave me some form of comfort, but then again I do have the tendency to trust people too easily. I spent those three days reevaluating myself as a person. Was I being true to myself or have I been living a lie this whole time? Questions like this ran through my mind without any clear resolve. There was a longing I yearned for, and I couldn’t figure out what it was for the longest time.