During my first pregnancy, with Nofar, I was immersed in grief, crying for my career, which I felt I’d destroyed with my own hands. This time, I had the job I aspired to and had already managed to gain some years of experience. I had no doubt that pregnancy would hold up my career, but I knew this time it would be just a small bump on the way and not a dead end. Eagerly, I awaited Coral’s arrival. I remembered her as a sweet and incredibly easy baby. I decided that, this time, everything was going to be different. This time, I was going to accept motherhood and treat my daughter with patience and love.
Coral’s birth was quick and easy, a totally different experience from Nofar’s birth. When the nurse put little Coral on my stomach, I hugged her and kissed her warmly. I was ‘normal’ this time around. No nurse looked at me accusingly. David was happy despite his hope for a boy and never stopped hugging our little girl and showing her off to everyone he knew and even to those he didn’t. He claimed that she looked exactly like me, and I chuckled to myself. In a different life, she was Inbal’s daughter. David wanted to call her Ruth and didn’t understand my fixation with the name Coral. Only when his older sister fawned over the name Coral did he give in, and the baby received the same name she’d had sixteen years earlier.
My first few days as a mother were incomparable with those in my previous life. It was so pleasant. This time, my little daughter nursed from me greedily, and I felt that, this time, she wanted me and I wanted her. This time, I wasn’t surprised by the pregnancy, the birth or the demands of parenting. I knew exactly what it meant to be a mother to a baby. David was amazed by all the knowledge I had and the professionalism I demonstrated while taking care of our daughter. He never stopped praising me. From the first moment, I knew how to hold the child correctly, feed her, clothe her, and bathe her, like I did in the past. “You're amazing,” he whispered to me over and over again. He was afraid it would be difficult for me because he wasn’t at all sure I’d wanted to be a mother.
The problem was that, while I remembered just how to manage infant care, I still didn’t have a way with children. In the first months, the baby only needed me like she’d need a nurse. I only had to feed her, wash her and change her diapers. Once I had to communicate with her, I found the same difficulties occurring. I didn’t talk in a babyish voice, I couldn’t understand Coral’s various different stares, and I was terribly bored from sitting with her for days and playing baby games.
I went back to work at the end of the three-month maternity leave approved by law. Around me, a lot of eyebrows were raised over the speed with which I returned to work, but I knew from past experience that two more months with my daughter wouldn’t change the fact that I hated sitting at home with a baby. I really loved Coral and realized now that I’d really loved Nofar, too, and that I’d blamed something on her that was really just ingrained in me. I thought I didn’t love her enough, but I just didn’t like being a mother. Beyond the fact that I didn’t enjoy sitting at home, the main reason I returned to work so quickly was because I knew I’d be pregnant again in no time. Adi was born just over a year after Coral.
David's sex drive was quite different from Amir’s. I remembered Amir claiming “all guys are the same.” While in some respects he was right. I had various disputes with David that sounded remarkably similar to those I had with Amir, but when it came to the bedroom, there was nothing in common between the two men in my past and present life. With both, I enjoyed myself, but with Amir I felt I had too little sex, while with David I had too much. I assumed it was related to both their natural sex drive and the fact that David was more physically active. Amir could go weeks without having sex, and David was frustrated if a week went by without us having sex at least twice. Once Coral was born, I told him he'd have to settle for once a week because I was just exhausted. David was constantly bringing up the subject, and when I became pregnant again, when Coral was less than five months old, I wasn’t at all surprised. In my previous life, I was jealous of Inbal because her husband wanted her so much, and in my present life, I envied Daria because she could have some peace and quiet. I realized that sex drive has nothing to do with love, because I was sure that David loved me very much, but his need for sex wasn’t related to me. It was just his physiological structure.
In July of that year, we met with Daria, Inbal, Amir and Asi for Amir’s birthday. As a present, I bought him a book I remembered that he enjoyed very much in my previous life.
“Have you read this book already?” I asked as he unwrapped it.
“Not yet… I’ve heard about this book. I read another one by this author, which I didn’t really like,” he said and began to read the exchange note that came with the book.
“Read it!” I ordered him. “I'm sure you'll love it.”
“If you say so,” he smiled, and Daria watched the little intimate conversation that developed between us with a menacing look.
The waiter came over and took the orders. “Would you like to order wine?” he asked.
“Sure,” Amir said. He was an avid wine lover and ordered us a quality bottle of wine.
When the waiter moved around us to pour the wine, I signaled to him that I wasn’t interested. Daria looked at me, stunned, and when the waiter disappeared, she said, “Don’t tell me you're pregnant again!”
“I am,” I smiled sheepishly.
“How old is Coral? Six months?” She tried to calculate in her mind.
“Seven.”
“You're not normal!”
“Why isn’t she normal?” Inbal chimed in. I knew she was jealous, not because I had more sex than her, but because she desperately wanted a second child. “The best thing is to have children with a small age gap between them. That way, they grow up together,” she said. I wanted to comfort her and tell her that she’d soon be pregnant for the second time. In fact, she might have already been expecting Shira, Daria and Asi’s second child in their previous life. I could even encourage her and tell her she’d be the only one of us to embrace a third child.
“It wasn’t planned,” I lied. Not only was it planned, I actually knew about it in advance. “But I'm happy it happened. I want to complete our family as soon as possible.” I smiled, and now it was Inbal’s turn to look at me with a stunned stare. I wasn’t sure if she was shocked by the fact that I didn’t want more than two children, or the fact that I saw having children as a task I wanted to be finished with, and as not the essence of life.
“It's lucky you went back to work so fast,” Daria added. “At first, I thought you were pushing it, but now I’ve no doubt it was one very lucky choice! If you’d extended your maternity leave, I don’t know if there would have been any point in you going back to work.” Daria noted a fact that I’d been aware of since the day Coral was born.
“That’s true,” Inbal said. I knew she was the most shocked at the speed with which I went back to work.
At the office, the fact that I’d returned to work after only three months wasn’t so extraordinary. Plenty of lawyers didn’t use the opportunity to extend their minimum maternity leave, and those who did so were not as career-driven as I was. Knowing that I’d be pregnant within a short time, I hadn’t felt pressured to take on large cases. I saw the months that separated both of my maternity leaves as a time in which I worked to keep my job, nothing more. I planned to move my career forward after Adi’s birth.
In the same period in my previous life, I’d just started work at Smart Green as chief bookkeeper. This time, my life was completely different: Then, I’d worked hard, trying to prove myself at all costs; now, I enjoyed the benefits that came with the flexibility associated with a mother’s job. I had been so envious of David and Inbal’s loving relationship, but now I was David’s wife and I had nothing to be jealous of. The fact that I knew in advance about my second pregnancy really made my life easier. John Lennon was right when he said that life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans. In my previous life I was busy planning, being disappointed an
d feeling jealous. Now I knew in advance what was going to happen, and I learned to live my life instead of thinking about what could have been.
I watched Daria and Amir, and Inbal and Asi, and saw surprising similarities between the relationships that Daria had with Asi and Inbal had with David. Just as Daria had controlled Asi, she now controlled Amir, the difference being that Amir knew better how stand up for himself. In addition, Inbal's relationship with Asi looked as warm and loving from the outside as her relationship with David. I realized that a spousal relationship doesn’t depend solely on the connection between the two people, but also depends on each of them individually. Daria was an impatient control freak, and that was reflected in her relationships with both Asi and Amir. Inbal, however, was a loving and dedicated person who radiated warmth and love and each man who lived with her simply blossomed. David didn’t wither with me, but in my memory, he was a happy and cheerful man when he lived with Inbal.
This comparison that my new life allowed offered me relief. Amir was wrong when he said, “Everyone’s the same.” Absolutely not! But there was no point in being jealous of others about things I couldn’t control. I couldn’t be Inbal. We didn’t have the same personality - so there was no point in being jealous of her life with Asi, just as there was no point in being jealous of her life with David at the time. Now, I still couldn’t help but be jealous of her ability to love, but I knew that I had traits that she lacked and the jealousy that drove me crazy in my previous life didn’t return with such ferocity in my new life.
CHAPTER 17
Adi was born in January of 2010. I didn’t remember the exact date of Adi’s previous birth, but I assumed it was the same date exactly. David was disappointed that, once again, he didn’t get a son, but he hoped for one “next time.” I knew for certain that I wouldn’t conceive again before September of 2012, and, to be honest, I had no intention of having another child. I was glad I was done with the baby making period of my life. I realized that I didn’t enjoy parenting, no matter who the baby was. I just wasn’t born to be a mother. If I hadn’t known I was scheduled to give birth to Coral and Adi, I might not have had any children at all. I just didn’t want to prevent them from entering this world. I had an advantage that no parent ever experienced in their life: I knew what it meant to be a parent before my daughters were even born. I had no doubt that many parents would give up parenting if they knew beforehand what the experience entails. Despite these feelings and although I felt that Coral and Adi were imposed on me in some mystical way, I didn’t regret parenthood as much as I had in my previous life. Even though I knew I would never be Mother of the Year, I loved my kids and was glad I had a family. For David, anyway, there was no other option. It was obvious to him that we’d start a family, so, in that respect, I really had no other option.
We decided to mark Adi’s birth with a small event. Little Coral turned one a few weeks before Adi’s birth, so we combined two events into one little party at a restaurant we liked. Lior and Aya arrived late, so they had to sit with Inbal and Daria, instead of with the people from the office who were seated at a nearby table. In my present life, I had no social ties with Aya. The circumstances were not as they were in my previous life, and past experience had taught me that our friendship was destructive for me.
“Wow, what a snob!” Daria declared to me the next day.
“Who?” I asked.
“Come on...” she said with an impatient tone, “the two pompous people you sat us with.”
“Lior and Aya?”
“Yes, Lior and Aya…” She pronounced Aya’s name like she was going to vomit.
“They’re actually a very nice couple.” I defended them. They really were very positive people.
“I don’t know...” She began to reconsider a little when she realized I didn’t share her feelings. “She seemed cocky to me, and he was kind of a putz.”
I agreed about Lior being a putz, but I didn’t want to share my opinions with Daria. I didn’t know when and where Daria might blurt out what I’d said about one of the partners of my firm. “I don’t really know her,” I lied. I knew her very well, only not in my current life. “He’s a partner at my firm.”
“He’s a partner?” she asked in amazement. “He looks very young.”
“He's really young… he’s simply a genius.”
“Wow,” she said. “I wouldn’t have guessed. He looks like such a nerd… I was sure he’s a bank clerk or something.”
“He's not,” I explained. “He’s one of the best attorneys in his field.”
“Okay…” she said humbly. Her theory proved to be false.
“Why do you think his wife’s cocky?” I was curious. I remembered Aya well and arrogance wasn’t one of her most prominent traits. If anything, she was generally modest about her successes.
“No reason,” she replied, considering her thoughts again. “Amir mentioned a law that was being discussed in the Knesset about sanctioning employers of contract workers and she said it was discussed in the Finance Committee meeting this week and she was on the committee.”
“Because she probably was.”
“Really?”
“Yes, she’s a lawyer who works in an office with a lot of lobbyists.”
“Wow!” Daria realized she was way off track. “Then they really are a successful pair!”
“Absolutely.”
In my previous life, I busied myself constantly with Aya and Lior’s success and choosing to study law in my present life was rooted primarily in the fact that I wanted to be like Aya. Now I was a lawyer in a job just as respectable as Aya’s, but I was still careful not to make personal contact with her. I didn’t want my negative feelings to come back again. Now, I actually knew Lior better and already had enough negative feelings toward him: I felt he had been promoted because of me, and I didn’t want to develop feelings of envy again regarding his wife. I had to admit to myself that I took evil pleasure in inviting Aya to our event in honor of Adi’s birth. I knew Aya was struggling to conceive at that time, but I knew the advantage I had over her in the fertility department was temporary, and she was going to be pregnant soon, within a few months.
Daria's interest in Aya and Lior told me that it wasn’t just me who found Lior and Aya a source of interest and jealousy. Daria, in her current life, could only boast her external appearance. This time, she didn’t enjoy living in the top hundredth percentile, and envy was burning her inside. I was glad I wasn’t there this time. I felt that my present life was in my hands, under control.
Again, after Adi’s birth, I returned to work immediately after my maternity entitlement. As long as Adi was nursing, I had to work limited hours, but when she was six months old I stopped breastfeeding her and went back to work full time - and then some. I remembered Inbal still nursing Coral well after her first birthday, and I knew that, this time, Coral’s and Adi’s diets wouldn’t include my milk. I knew now that pregnancies and births were behind me, and I gave my all to work. To my great joy, I was surrounded by women who were as devoted to their careers as I was. None were concerned about the quantity and quality of family pictures in their offices. I didn’t feel abnormal as I once had. To be honest, I didn’t understand why most of them bothered to have children. The hours we spent with our families dwindled to weekends only. I often stayed at the office until late at night, and almost every day I came home when Coral and Adi were already asleep. My salary allowed me to hire a part-time nanny who watched over the girls when David worked his shifts at the fire station. Since I spent most of the day at the office with people whose priorities in life were similar to mine, I didn’t often hear the criticism about my life that my family and friends might have. My lifestyle drove my mother crazy. She didn’t go to work until my youngest sister was seven, so a woman who worked for days without even seeing her little girls - sometimes even on weekends - was abnormal in her eyes. Tamar, my older sister, was married and was a mother of three herself, and she couldn’t understand me. Fr
om Nurit, my little sister, I got a little more encouragement, but probably only because she was still single, which helped me a lot because she babysat for my daughters sometimes.
Daria didn’t bring the issue up often. I assumed she was uncomfortable criticizing me about a field she’d failed in. She wasn’t a devoted mother to Nofar, just as I wasn’t in my previous life. Because I remembered that she wasn’t particularly maternal in her previous life either, I realized that it had nothing to do with Nofar herself. In her previous life, Daria had a whole fleet of nannies and maids who’d raised her children. Now that she had to take care of her child herself, she did so grudgingly. She had no patience like Inbal had, for example. Inbal, who was now married to the richest person in our group, hadn’t hired a nanny to raise Roy and Shira for her. I was happy for her because I knew that in two years’ time, she was going to become the mother of Galia, the sweet little baby I met on the day I had my second accident. Inbal never talked about my poor parenting and my non-presence at home, but I knew that she didn’t approve of it. Whenever she took an interest in me and my daughters and saw how little I was involved in their lives, I saw her eyes sadden. She felt pain for my daughters. I also hurt, but I knew that I couldn’t give them more. I felt that by bringing them into the world, I’d already done my part.
The criticism that hurt me most was David's. He was deeply disappointed with the way I raised my daughters. Before I became pregnant with Coral, I’d told him I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be a mother. He pleaded with me to allow him to become a father. I explained to him that I wanted a career that wouldn’t leave much room for children, but he insisted and promised that he would agree to raise our children, just as long as we had some to raise. I guess the fact that I brought two girls into the world with such a short gap in between, and that I’d agreed to freeze my career for a year and a half confused him a little. He thought I’d change my mind and fall in love with motherhood. Soon, he was disappointed to discover that I felt I’d kept my part of the deal. I’d brought two daughters into the world and started our family, but once I stopped breastfeeding my younger daughter, I went straight back to where I’d left off before the birth. David knew how to live modestly. In their previous lives, Inbal and David lived off his modest salary as a firefighter, so I knew that his pleas to cut my working hours down, even at the expense of our financial quality of life, weren’t just true in theory. In my previous incarnation, I lived frugally, and I knew I could get along with less, but I didn’t want to compromise as I’d had to in my previous life. Now, my salary at Lifschitz, Cohen & Co. was more than double what I’d earned with Smart Green. I enjoyed my professional success and enjoyed our financial security. After all, I already knew from my former life that, even if I came home early every day, I wasn’t going to be a very good mother. I preferred to focus on what I was good at.
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