“Yes,” he said, and I opened my eyes wide in surprise, “but only once.”
“What do you mean ‘only once’? You saw a sexy woman walking down the street, then hugged her and kissed her? That kind of ‘once’?” I asked cynically. It was clear that this wasn’t the case.
“No, it wasn’t like that,” he said with a pleading look. “Please… calm down.”
“I’m finding that hard.”
“So try to listen to me.”
We were silent. He looked at me and waited for me to speak. “Come on... talk!” I ordered him.
“Rose, for years I’ve been telling you this life is difficult for me. I find it hard raising our little girls alone.”
“You’re not raising them alone,” I interrupted. “I do my bit, and I also pay for Shula, who helps you a lot.” Shula was the nanny.
“True, but it’s always bothered me that we aren’t together enough. We’re not a family enough. We’re not a couple enough. Even before Coral came along, I often felt like a bachelor… I’d come home to an empty house. Now I feel like a single parent, but I’m not. I have you, the woman of my life, who’s constantly at work.”
“David,” I interrupted again, “we’ve had this conversation a dozen times in the past… You knew in advance what you were getting into. I’ll also remind you that before Coral and Adi were born, you promised that my career wouldn’t be compromised and that you’d be the parent who raised them and took care of them. You didn’t get a pig in a poke.”
“You’re right, but life’s dynamic. I couldn’t predict how I'd feel… I didn’t know in advance that I’d be so frustrated.”
“So you were frustrated and looking for someone to comfort you?” I tried to get to the point.
“Absolutely not,” he protested. “I really wasn’t looking, and you know full well that when I’m not at work, I'm at home with the girls. It just happened, and the fact that I was frustrated by what happens between us didn’t help. I know I was wrong, but if I was happy, I wouldn’t even be in this situation… if you were here more, this wouldn’t have happened.”
“I’m glad you have someone to blame,” I said sarcastically. “I'm really very sorry that I made you cheat on me.”
“I didn’t cheat,” he muttered.
“So what did you do?”
“A class of students came on a visit round the fire station. I was guiding the tour, and the teacher was very interested in the station.” She was interested in other things, too, I noted to myself. “After the tour, she asked for my details so she could recommend me to her teacher friends at other schools.”
“And you started talking...”
“Yes,” he looked down. “We started talking. The conversation didn’t have an intimate tone, at least, not at first. She also loves origami like I do, and we exchanged all kinds of special tricks for paper folding.”
“But at some point, the conversation became intimate,” I continued the story for him. It was corny and predictable.
“Yeah...”
“Is she married?”
“No, she’s divorced with three children.”
“How convenient. So when did your origami meetings become hot dates?”
“We barely met,” David explained. “Mostly we talked on the phone and sent text messages.”
“But you said you had physical contact,” I reminded him, “although in my opinion, an emotional connection is also cheating.”
“You're right...” he said painfully. “I'm so sorry.”
“You said you had a physical encounter?”
“Once.”
“What happened?”
“After weeks of non-stop conversations in which we poured our hearts out,” (I figured he was whining about his witch of a wife who was never home, but I preferred not to ask), “she called me one night and asked to meet. She’d quarreled with her mother, the children were at their father’s and she was lonely. I asked my mother to come and watch the girls, and I met her.”
“At her house?”
“No way! I was afraid that something might happen -”
“ But something did!”
“Right... we met at a small café, talked and talked and then walked around a bit. We sat in some dark garden, and before I knew it, I was hugging and kissing her.”
I closed my eyes in pain. I knew where the story ended, but it was hard for me to imagine my spouse cheating on me with a desperate divorcée in a dark garden. I felt David near me. I recoiled, and he grabbed me by the shoulders. When I opened my eyes, he was really close to me.
“You have to believe me - within two minutes, I was out of there. I got up, I went and haven’t had any contact with her since.”
“How long ago was that?”
“Two months.”
“Two months… and you haven’t told me a thing.”
“I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t do anything, really.”
“You kissed her, embraced her, you had an emotional connection with her for weeks, maybe even months. To me, that’s really not nothing.”
“You're right,” he said and looked down. “I’ve nothing more to say except to ask your forgiveness.”
“I have to think about it,” I said and left the house.
I had nowhere to go. There was no one I could pour my heart out to. I knew my mother would side with David and claim that I had to sleep in the bed I’d made. My relationship with Daria and Inbal were long gone. We weren’t at all close and, in any case, I wouldn’t want to admit the failure of my marriage to anyone. I went to the beach. I sat down in a trendy bar and looked at the movement of the waves, mesmerized.
I thought.
I sat and thought for more than two hours until I got up and went home. I decided to forgive David, even though I didn’t know if he’d told me the whole story and even though I knew I could never trust him again as I had in the past. He couldn’t quite resist. He dragged himself voluntarily into a relationship that came to physical contact. This time, he’d stopped himself before having full sex, but what would happen next time?
On the other hand, even though I didn’t like it one little bit, I couldn’t ignore the fact that he had a point. I had to bear some responsibility, at least in part, for his loneliness and his need to find comfort.
David was waiting for me, wide awake, when I returned home. I explained to him that I was upset, but I was ready to move on, provided he would give me some breathing room until I could pull myself together.
He, of course, agreed to all the terms.
CHAPTER 19
A week after David’s confession, we all went for the long weekend that Inbal had organized for us. We arrived at the kibbutz and Inbal was already waiting for us on the grass. She had surprises for the kids and was charged with positive energy like a scoutmaster. I, on the other hand, was very tired from a strenuous week at work and was still drained from David’s confession a few days earlier. During the ride, David tried everything to entertain me and make me laugh, which only irritated me more. I wanted to save my ‘everything’s fine’ face for the meeting with Daria and Inbal. I didn’t have the energy or patience to pretend when it was just the two of us.
“You look completely exhausted,” she said when she saw me approach her with Adi. “Perhaps you should give me this little munchkin!” She threw her hands forward, and Adi ran right into her inviting embrace “And go for a nap…”
“Are you crazy?” I said. “You have two small children of your own - you want two more?” The question was rhetorical. I knew she’d like at least one more child, but I also knew she and Asi would soon be expecting again.
She smiled, defeated, and I sat next to her and hugged her. “I'm sure you’ll have at least one more,” I whispered. I wished I had a way to make her believe it.
David allowed me to go to rest and watched the children with Inbal. I watched them from a distance, when I was near our room. They were perfect together, just as they had been in my previous life. Fo
r one brief moment, I thought that maybe I shouldn’t leave them alone… maybe the spark would return… but I knew David wouldn’t dare do anything, especially after his confession and request for forgiveness, and Inbal was in love and happy with Asi.
When I woke up, Daria had arrived. We were excited to see each other - long time, no see.
“Where’s Tom?” I asked nervously. My former son was already two months old, and I hadn’t yet seen him yet.
“You haven’t seen him yet!” Daria said reproachfully.
“True,” I smiled a shy smile. Daria probably thought I was embarrassed by the fact that I hadn’t made the effort to visit him yet, but really I was embarrassed that I had to lie again. I’d seen Tom before; his image was firmly etched in my memory.
“You'll have to wait. He and Amir were exhausted. They’re sleeping now.”
Half an hour later, Amir woke up and came out of their room with Tom cradled in his arms. I approached with tentative steps, my heart pounding fit to burst out of my chest.
I was going to see my beloved son again.
Tom was still sleepy. He opened and closed his eyes and sweetly nestled into Amir. I looked at him with love. I had to hold myself back so I wouldn’t cry. I wasn’t an emotional woman, and I knew it would be hard for me to explain why I was so moved, meeting with Tom.
“Do you want to hold him?” Amir asked.
I shook my head. I couldn’t speak. It was a perfect moment that seemed to be cut straight out of my previous life: just me, my husband and our son.
The moment ended when Daria approached us. “Why did you bring him out?” she scolded Amir. “He seems to be completely asleep.”
“He started to cry,” Amir apologized. “Anyway, wouldn’t you rather he sleep later?”
“He’s not at the stage where you limit his sleep, yet,” she said, and grabbed my Tom from his hands in anger and went into their room.
I smiled sheepishly. He returned the sheepish smile.
“He really is a little sweetie,” I finally said.
“Yes,” he smiled with love. “He’s such an easy baby,” he told me what I already knew.
In the evening, after stuffing ourselves at the barbecue that Asi and David organized, we sat happily and laughed like we hadn’t laughed in years. Inbal, Daria and I reminisced about our childhood. That is, Daria and Inbal brought back memories of our childhood, and I retold stories they had told me about our childhood, as if they were my memories. I couldn’t remember anything of what had happened to me before I was sixteen years old. Daria, who was tired from breastfeeding, went to bed first, followed by Inbal and Asi.
Amir, David and I were left. David began to yawn and asked me if I was coming back to our room.
“I'm not really tired,” I said. “I had a nap this afternoon,” I reminded him.
“I'm not tired either,” Amir joined me. He was also rested.
“Well, I'll leave you then.” David said. “You have a key to the room? I like to lock up. Goodnight.” He nodded to Amir.
“Yes,” I said and let him go on his way.
I was alone with my ex-husband. I hadn’t been alone with him even once in my new life.
I was thrilled.
“You want to take a stroll around the kibbutz?” Amir suggested, and I responded positively.
We set out. We left the kibbutz guest house complex. We passed the silent dining room and a deserted kindergarten. Some cats fled in panic as we passed by the slides. I jumped in terror and Amir hugged me briefly in a way that sent pleasant goosebumps down my back. We continued past the barn. The pungent smell made us walk faster, and we reached the edge of the kibbutz. A sign pointed the way to the viewing area for the lake, and Amir asked if I'd like to go there. ”Why not?” I replied, and we set off in the direction of the arrow.
We got up there gasping. The road wasn’t easy, and we hadn’t taken any water with us.
We looked around the place with thirsty eyes until we found an old faucet. I bent down and drank eagerly. When I straightened up, I was soaked. Amir looked at me with amusement.
“I'm sure your prestigious clients would have a heart attack if they saw you like this,” he said, grinning with his entire face.
“Why?”
“You look like a girl after a water fight, not a senior lawyer.”
I laughed and went to sit on a bench facing the stunning scenery of the lake. Amir joined me after satisfying his thirst, and we sat in silence. The moon was nearly full and there was a pleasant breeze. The viewing area was located in an abandoned garden and had an enchanting view of the lake, which hypnotized us for a long time.
“I want to thank you,” Amir broke the silence and made my heart pound.
“What for?” I asked.
“The book you gave me for my birthday last year.”
“Oh, God,” I laughed. “You take your time with gratitude…”
“No...” he joined me laughing. “I just put it aside. I had no time and forgot about it… eventually, I read it only recently. Actually, I finished it a week ago, on Yom Kippur.”
“Okay. Did you like it?”
“Very much.”
“Yeah, I knew you'd love it,” I said, careless of the words coming out of my mouth.
“How did you know?” he asked in amazement.
“I just guessed.”
“Have you read it?”
“Yes.” I’d read it more than sixteen years ago, in my previous life.
“And what did you think? Did you connect to it?”
The answer was not really. It was a good book, but I remembered that Amir was much more moved by it than I had been.
“The main character really moved me,” I lied. I hadn’t been able to understand the main character's dilemma, but Amir hadn’t stopped talking about her for days. “Her dilemma, choosing between the two options available to her, moved me very much.”
“Yeah, me too,” Amir said with shining eyes.
“Did Daria read it? What did she say about it?”
“Daria barely reads,” Amir said in a disappointed voice.
“You sound disappointed.”
“A little,” he said and made a face.
“Why?”
“As the years pass by, I find less and less to talk about with her.”
“Everyone’s the same.” I tried to reassure him with his own words.
“True, but this goes beyond the norm. Daria’s a very funny woman, pleasant and caring. She's a good mother, and she’s very sexy.” My heart shrank within me when he described Daria like that. “But she’s a bit backward.”
“What do you mean?”
“She doesn’t grow up; she’s not evolving… She’s interested more or less in the same things that interested her when we were twenty. I sometimes feel frustrated, like we don’t have too many things in common.”
“It’s the same with me,” I blurted out without actually wanting to. He looked at me in astonishment.
“Really? You and David always looked to me like a perfect couple.”
“Believe me, we’re really, really far from perfect. I have a feeling, as well, that the passage of time has distanced us instead of bringing us closer.”
“When I married Daria, I was sure that the fact that we were a little opposite would be the thing that would bring us closer. You know, they say opposites attract.”
“It doesn’t work that way,” I said sadly.
“True.”
We fell silent. I thought about my previous life, when we were married. We weren’t a perfect couple .Now I knew that the perfect couple didn’t exist, but our relationship was based on our similarities rather than our differences. We were interested in the same topics, loved to walk in the same places, we enjoyed the same movies and books, and we were good friends long before we were a romantic couple. With David, we were romantic partners first and then friends. And, unfortunately, like most couples, romance slowly faded away, and our friendship wasn’t as strong as
mine had been with Amir.
I sat and watched the Kineret. At first I was careful not to look at Amir. The confidences we had exchanged startled me, and I was scared to make eye contact with him. After a few minutes of staring, I didn’t have to strain. The wind caressed my face, and a pleasant tranquility fell on all my limbs. I felt I was starting to fall asleep. I took a deep breath and turned to Amir. I was about to suggest we get back.
Amir's face told me everything. He was looking at me with the same look he had the first time he told me he loved me. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling from my eyes,my and they broke free and washed my face. Amir leaned over and started kissing me passionately.
I wanted to stop him, but I couldn’t… I couldn’t. I missed him so much.
Within minutes, we were already joined to each other. Amir moaned with excitement. “How is that you know how to touch me like that?” he kept whispering.
The next day, I shut myself in our room. I didn’t want to bump into Amir and, more than that, I didn’t want to see Daria. I couldn’t look her in the eye after I’d betrayed her like that. I told Inbal I wasn’t feeling well and asked David if he wouldn’t mind taking the girls to the activities she’d organized.
In the evening, we got together for Kabbalat Shabbat in the kibbutz dining room. I sat and stared at my plate. I couldn’t put a bite in my mouth. I focused on the plate… I was afraid to meet Amir’s gaze.
“You're quite pale,” Inbal said.
“True,” Daria agreed. “If you’re sick and you give whatever it is to my kids now, I’ll kill you.”
“I'm fine,” I said weakly.
“You just don’t look well,” Inbal said anxiously. “Maybe you should go back to your room?” She looked at David and told him, “Walk her up to your room. I'll watch the girls in the meantime.”
“It's okay,” I said and got up. “I can go alone.”
I left the dining room and started walking slowly back to our room. Tears streamed down my face. I felt my world was destroyed. I loved two men, one of whom I’d cheated on. I’d cheated on my friend. I’d ruined everyone's life.
Someone was running behind me. I turned around. It was Amir.
Deja Vu Page 16