“Edward…” I whispered. I wanted to ask him to kiss me. I was ready. In the middle of such a horrible night, it felt like the antidote I desperately needed. I just wanted him to do it, I needed him to.
Edward bit his lip, still staring at the sky. His eyes glistened and I wondered if tears were welling up inside them.
“Edward, I’m down here…” He couldn’t avoid me. Not when he had me trapped between his body and the column. Not when he’d said such nice things about my eyes and falling in love. Not in a starry night like this one. Minutes ago, my mind had coasted down a slide. I’d met ghosts who’d showed me a horrific past I didn’t want to accept as mine. I’d received a phone call reminding me about Yago, a true danger. Things my mind didn’t have the ability to grasp, much less accept. I needed a savior, someone to take me from all of it.
“Edward?”
He lowered his face and cleared his throat. “Your face’s dirty, Justin. You look like a homeless boy.” He wiped the tears on my cheek with his hand, caressing me at the same time. “And your eyelashes are all wet. Did I tell you how pretty they are?”
No he hadn’t, but now he had. My lips trembled. They parted and I couldn’t help it. I inched towards him standing on my toes so I could reach his lips. His trembled too, hopelessly beckoning to me. If my eyes cast some sort of spell, and so did his lips, so did his own eyes, so did his lime-like aroma.
Edward’s hands gripped my shoulders, gently pulling me toward him, and he pressed his lips against mine. Tenderly but firmly. Once more, I felt the warm surge that traveled through me each time he touched me, except that this time it came in tenfold. The vivifying stream made the butterflies in my stomach go crazy, a sensation similar to the wave I first felt in the girls’ restroom when Jenny had kissed me. This time, though, we were not madly making out like Jenny and I had. Not at all. This time, chivalry ruled. This time, it was a gentleman kissing me, not an eager, clumsy teenager but a well-seasoned knight. Our lips rubbed, our hands caressed our mutual blushing cheeks, our bodies stuck together as close as possible, and I could feel his accelerating heartbeat.
When I felt his tongue upon mine, I almost bit him, so powerful the emotions it raised. Now that I was no longer fostering guilt because I didn’t kill Yago, I craved to be loved and kissed forever. Adrenaline hit me and I wanted more of those stimulating sensations I felt the previous night when I touched myself in Aaron’s bathroom. My skin turned extra-sensitive.
My mind traveled back to the previous night when my hand had explored my body. I lost myself in that image, more powerful now that I was being kissed. I craned my neck and tilted my head backwards, resting it on the column so Edward could kiss my neck. His lips upon it sent electric jolts through my body, giving me goosebumps. A perfect moment.
I raised my arms so he could pull off my t-shirt. I could feel his breath on my neck and near my earlobes, tickling my skin so sensitive that I could detect the pores of his nose as he rubbed it behind my ear. I closed my eyes and bit my lower lip. I’d waited so long for this to happen!
His hand on the small of my back pressed me, holding and pushing me slightly upwards. My skin rubbed his sweatshirt. His other hand did what Yago’s couldn’t. His trembling open palm and rigid fingers kissed my skin.
At the touch of his hand on my breasts and nipples, electricity flowed inside me and all my muscles contracted. I arched my body like an Olympic gymnast, yielding to the sensation and to the explosion within and without me that soaked my skin in sweat. I couldn’t help moaning, eager to shout his name. It came out of my lips, half a moan, half a sigh. “Oh, Edward! You’re so much better than Jenny.”
Edward’s deep voice boomed in my ears like it came from another dimension, from another world. “Jenny?”
Edward sprung one step backwards, his eyes wide open. His face’s red hues faded at the speed of light until an ashen tone overtook his features. With shaky fingers, he touched his own wet, sullen lips. He then slammed his palm on his mouth and backed off another step, blinking fast.
“What have I done?” It’d been neither a whisper nor a cry, but both combined in deep anguish. “We’re both guys!”
Edward stared at me with his brown eyes wide as dishes, not realizing I was a girl, but freaked out because he thought he’d just kissed another guy.
Instead of crying, “Cool, you’re a girl!” he had exclaimed “We’re both guys!” Couldn’t he recognize a girl’s boobs when he touched them, no matter how flat chested the girl was? Was he that short-sighted? Suddenly, I couldn’t stand his gaze. I couldn’t stand that he stared at my body displayed so he could laugh at it because it was not womanish enough. My arms flew to cover my boobs, and I turned toward the column, cringing, giving my back to Edward.
Cold sweat covered my skin, and I started to shiver. His words, “We’re both guys!” still reverberated in my ears. In my mind, laughs started to ring as the whole world derided me for turning into a stupid boy when I most needed to be a fantastic girl. I took one of my hands to my face, groping as if I’d turned blind. My sunglasses. They weren’t where they should be. Edward could read my humiliation and embarrassment in my eyes in the same way in which he’d seen stars and the universe before. I shut them and cringed even more, sticking to the column, trying to penetrate it and disappear inside it. All I wanted was to hide from him, to run to the end of the world and stay there forever.
I should have told him I was a girl. I should have pulled my pants down and showed him. I didn’t because I thought he was so stupid and short-sighted that, rather that realizing I was a girl, he’d think I was hiding my “thing” between my legs—and I couldn’t stand any further degradation.
I needed my damned sunglasses, and where had my stupid t-shirt ended up?
From behind me, I felt Edward’s cold hands touching my bare shoulders. “I’m so sorry! Justin, I never…”
“Don’t touch me!” This time his hands didn’t convey warmness but a cold rejection that burnt like acid poured on my skin. I shrugged and dodged away from him, hiding behind the column so it would stand protectively between us. “Don’t touch me. I want my shirt.”
“Yes… of course.”
I leaned on the column, feeling its freezing marble on my back. My arms were crossed over my chest, protecting my small breast from Edward’s discreet glances.
He’ll never, ever, see them or touch my boobs again.
Tears ran down my face, but I refused to sob. Instead, I kept biting my lip as anger ate my entrails. He hadn’t realized I was a girl. He was an idiot. He was worse than Yago. All men were swine!
“Here you are.” Edward stood behind the column, extending his arm holding my t-shirt. I put it on. Then I took my sunglasses out of my pocket and put them on too.
We stood for a long time in silence, both of us breathing hard, each of us leaning against opposite sides of the same column.
“I’m really sorry, Justin.”
I wasn’t gonna answer him. My voice would have cracked and I didn’t want to give away any further clue of how humiliated I felt. Rage made me ball my fists until my knuckles turned white. Twice, I hit the column with my fists and I didn’t mind the pain. I stomped my bare foot on the marble floor and it hurt too, but I cared less. I wanted to yell how much I hated him, but I knew I’d start to sob like a baby if I utter one single word. Each time I felt I was about to break into uncontrollable tears, I bit my lip harder until I tasted blood.
A ghostly bang from inside the mansion reminded me that we shouldn’t stay here. Actually, it’d been foolish to make out with Yago so close to us. I breathed in deeply and wiped my cheeks with a hand. I gulped. A supreme effort was required to control my feelings. In a whisper, my voice came out of my lips devoid of any emotion. “Take me back to the campsite, Edward. This place isn’t safe. There’s a dangerous man around here.”
“Of course. I’m dangerous. I know. I won’t bother you anymore. I promise.”
I opened my mouth to explain the st
uff about Yago, but decided otherwise. If Edward wanted to be dramatic and think he was the dangerous man I’d just referred to, be my guest. Edward deserved to feel tortured, he’d just earned it.
He walked into the tall grass dragging his feet, his arms lifeless by his sides, his head bowed. He talked in a whisper I could barely hear, “Follow me.”
I followed him four or five steps behind. From time to time, he’d glance over his shoulder, I presume to check whether I still followed him. I wanted his company only because I knew Yago would not dare to approach if Edward was with me, but nothing else. I didn’t want to see Edward ever again. I’d flee tomorrow. I’d take my money and stuff and travel back to Somerset and spend the rest of the week camping under Jenny’s porch until she came back. I hated Edward. I hated Daniel. I hated this little Boy Scout group of random no-ones. I hated Yago. I hated all Laura’s boyfriends. I hated men.
From time to time, I’d also glance over my shoulder, sure I’d just heard footsteps behind us, but not once did I see anybody after us.
At a fork, Edward took the right trail.
“Not that way,” I murmured.
He stopped in this tracks, glanced back and me and then hastily looked to the front. His tone sounded as devoid of emotions as mine had been. “I think this is the right way to our camp.”
I’d stopped too, standing five steps behind him. Through the dark sunglasses, his back appeared like a vague form in the night. The starlight could not reach us anymore. The trees had closed like a cathedral’s ceiling over us. “No it isn’t. I know this place.”
Edward started to turn towards me but refrained. “How do you know this place? You’ve never been here before.”
“I lived here. Trust me.”
The statement came out of my lips in the same natural way in which Justin had come out the previous night when Aaron had asked my name: like an accepted second nature. Like something already part of me. Yes, I’d lived here and so had Laura and Dad. They had celebrated Christmas together and Grandma had pictures of those celebrations in her living-room. That was the reason why I’d earlier felt that I’d come back home, because I indeed had. Only I’d forgotten it. I was between 3 and 4 years old when my dad died in that accident.
“That’s impossible,” Edward said.
“On the contrary. I lived here until I was four years old. I know this place by heart. Take the left trail.”
Edward shrugged but did as I told him. At the next crossroad, I told him to make a left again. After more time of silent hiking, we finally arrived to our camp. By that time, my feet were killing me, all muddy and cold.
Edward didn’t glance at me but collapsed by the campfire, which glowed in the darkness. He first stared at it and afterwards buried his head in his hands. In that position, he stood still like a statue.
I’d leave him alone until he’d go mad ruminating, ashamed about what he did do, but paying because of what he didn’t. He would pay for my humiliation.
July 4, 6:53 am
The next morning, I woke up to another earthquake caused by somebody shaking the tent.
“Wake up!” it was Jorge’s voice, not Edward’s. “It’s way too late.”
Daniel buried himself inside his sleeping bag. “Leave me alone, dude. What’s the damned hurry?”
“I want you guys outta here on the double,” Jorge insisted. “In your uniforms.”
Daniel stuck an unkempt head out of his sleeping bag—a red mane of frizzy curls. He scowled. “In our uniforms? Don’t screw with me, dude.”
Jorge opened the tent’s flap and stuck his head inside. He glared at Daniel. “Stop being a fool, Daniel. Today is the 4 of July. Abe’s old man will drive us to the parade. Any problem with that?”
Daniel stretched, yawned, and scratched his naked torso. He lifted his upper lip. “The parade, of course. I forgot. Excuse me for not being a smartass like Edward and you. That’s why you guys are our leaders.”
“Don’t be a smartass yourself, Daniel, and put your uniform on. You’re cooking breakfast again.”
“Me? That’s not fair. I cooked breakfast yesterday.”
“I know you did, that’s why I said again.” Jorge snapped two fingers. “Everybody out. We’re in a hurry. Don’t bother organizing the camp. Abe’s old man will bring us back in the evening after the fireworks. Don’t leave any money though. Just in case.”
Abe crawled out at once. I sat up with my dark sunglasses already resting on my nose. Daniel was kicking his way out of his sleeping bag, which ended up a shapeless heap of cloth at his feet. He was only wearing white briefs. Eeew!
“Wake up, wake up, ” he said, mimicking Jorge tone. “Can’t anyone rest in this damned camp?” He glared at me. “What are you looking at, dude?”
I’d been looking at his perfectly smooth, milky torso and arms, wondering whether he really shaved himself. I shrugged. “Nothing.”
I crawled out of the tent. Jorge’s warning about leaving our money in the camp had been uncalled for. I had no plans to leave my money here. Moreover, I had no plans to stay at all. Once in Abbeville, I’d take the first Greyhound back to Somerset. Yago still worried me—certainly, he had spent the night in one of the mansion’s bedrooms. I knew his intentions so to be safe, I needed to flee, making sure he wouldn’t realize I had. If a large crowd would really gather in Abbeville to celebrate the Fourth or July, it would be easy for me to slip away without Yago, or anybody else, noticing.
Once out of the tent, I got to my feet and I inhaled deeply, sucking the air not only down to my lungs, but down to my buttocks, absorbing the minty aroma wafting in the air. That very tang had led me to think, two days ago, that I’d just returned home. Now that I had to leave, I still wanted to breathe it in. Somehow, the aroma worked as a fuel to make me feel confident. I even wondered if I should stay here, but that was not an option. For some seconds, I dreamed of Jenny hugging me tight, which made me smile.
“Hurry up,” Jorge indicated me. “We’re in a sorta rush today.” He grabbed the tent’s pole and shook it again. “Daniel, I’m waiting.”
Daniel crawled out of the tent only wearing some faded blue jeans, unlaced sneakers, and no shirt—I could count his ribs. He scratched his tummy, pulled his jeans up to hide his butt crack, and yawned. Then he shoved me aside mumbling, “Out of my way, dumbass,” and strode toward the campfire. This time, he didn’t sway his hips as he’d done yesterday morning.
Edward was still sitting in the same position in front of the campfire where I’d left him, but the campfire had not died—he’d kept it alive the whole night, fueling it with wood logs. Daniel sat by him and placed a coffee kettle on the fire. Edward stared at Daniel’s white, bare chest, sighed, and fixed his eyes again on the flames.
Fifteen minutes later, Daniel had breakfast almost ready and I hadn’t come even close to Edward.
“Come here, loser,” Daniel called me. “I need your help.”
As I approached, Edward craned his neck. He fixed his gaze on me but then he looked elsewhere: at the sky, at the woods, anywhere but at me.
“Stop making a fool of yourself and take care of these eggs, dude. I’ll get some bread.” Daniel handed me a pan where he was already frying ham and eggs. There were so many they were overflowing from the pan. “And don’t mess it up! The ones you drop are part of your share, dude.”
When the eggs were ready, everybody sat around the campfire holding their plates. I walked around, serving each one. Edward had no plate.
“I’m not hungry,” he said.
“Yes, you are,” Jorge said. “Here, Justin, this is Edward’s plate.”
I took the plate, dishing what was left onto it. As I walked over to Edward, I suddenly tripped, thrusting the plate forward. It flew away from me, landing upside down. I ended up lying on my tummy and tasting dirt. Daniel guffawed and I felt my face hot. The main problem was that Edward’s share was ruined. “Rats!”
“Now you’ll need to give Edward your share, dumbass,” D
aniel said, laughing.
“No.” Edward’s voice seemed to come from beyond the grave. Daniel’s laugher stopped. “I said I’m not hungry.”
“Hey, that’s not fair, dude!” Daniel’s pinched expression caught everybody’s attention. “You have to go without breakfast because Justin’s a loser?”
“I’m not hungry,” Edward insisted, desperation cringing into his voice.
“It’s not fair, dude. Leave this loser without his breakfast.”
“I’m not hungry!” Edward shouted. “Besides, you made him trip, Daniel. I saw you. If I was hungry, I’d make you give me your share.”
Daniel’s face blushed and even his milky torso turned reddish. Edward stood up and walked away toward the forest, dragging his feet. Five pairs of eyes followed him in utter silence.
As he walked away, I smiled. I still hated him because of what happened the previous evening and was glad that he was suffering, regretting what he’d done. However, seeing him so broken felt like a swarm of bees stinging my heart. The smile faded from my face and I looked down at my plate, suddenly not hungry at all. I had to admit it, I wasn’t really feeling glad despite whatever I wanted to believe. He was feeling like crap because of something he didn’t do, because he thought he’d kissed another guy, an idea driving him nuts. I knew he hadn’t, so not telling him equaled lying and I couldn’t lie to him. He could be the blindest and most stupid guy on Earth, but he supported me when I needed help without asking anything in exchange, doing his duty without thinking of himself. Duty comes first, self goes second , that’s what he’d said, and he meant it.
I looked at my plate again, staring at my cold breakfast while thinking about Laura. She’d left me in Yago’s place without considering my feelings or even my safety. She lied to me. She said she loved me, but she only loved herself. I couldn’t be like her—I didn’t want to be like her. I wouldn’t lie to Edward, he didn’t deserve it. I would tell him the whole truth, and I wouldn’t care how difficult, embarrassing, or humiliating it might be for me. I would take his anger once he learned the truth, or whatever his reaction it might be. I might lose a friend—something I deserved because I deceived him in the first place, telling him that my name was Justin—but I’d do the right thing this time because I owed him and because I cared about him. His world just got rocked because he kept thinking he’d kissed another guy, and that was creating an identity problem within him. I’d save him. I had to save him. I wanted to save him.
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