“Yes, we have discussed that evening at length, and I can guarantee you she will not have a similar experience tonight,” he said with a smile.
“Well I do thank you, sir.”
“It is my pleasure,” he said as the dance came to an end. With a bow, he put out his arm and led her through the crowd and back to the others who waited where he left Miss Mary. Bingley joined him, his sister trying to clutch Mr Darcy’s arm in her quest to capture the most eligible bachelor of the Ton, but she was denied the pleasure when Darcy excused himself and Miss Bennet from the group to speak with his aunt.
Mr Gardiner stayed with Mary for one more dance as the colonel was obliged to dance with Miss Bingley and Mr Bingley asked for Mrs Gardiner to accompany him. Mary watched from her position, noticing that the colonel was just as amiable with Miss Bingley as he was with her. Her heart clenched with the thought. Over the last few months his warm demeanor and friendly nature had put her at ease and made her think that he may affectionately of her, but it was clear now that this was just how he was with everyone.
Though the thought stabbed at her heart, she knew she could not allow it to hurt. She had lived her life knowing she would never marry, and a few weeks of fanciful thinking would not end that resolve. With a new determination she decided being friends with the colonel was for the best. She could do that. She could control whether her heart fell in love or not, and she would not allow herself to do so.
“Are you having a good time?”
Mary realized the dance was over and the colonel now stood in front of her again. She took a deep breath, smiled, and nodded, then accepted his arm as he once again led her through the crowd.
When the last strings of music ended and the dancing shoes were once again taken off, the flowers released from their hair, and their dresses hanging for the maid to sweep, Mary thought back over the evening. She could not help the smile that crossed her face. She had more fun this evening than she ever thought she could experience, and her new resolve to think of the colonel as a friend was just what she needed to free her mind from the possibility of hurting him with a rejection. After all, a rejected suit is much easier to get over then the disapprobation society would give him for the rest of his days for choosing someone as she to marry. No, they were not meant to be anything more than friends. She laid her head on her pillow and found a peaceful sleep, happy to finally have a friend other than her sister.
Mr Darcy made it a point to write to his intended every day, including before he left so she would receive something from the first day onward. He had flowers delivered as well, and Mary noticed they all seemed to have deep and affectionate meanings. She had a feeling the colonel was helping his cousin with this part of the plan. Would someone one day send me flowers, she wondered, then her heart began to beat wildly and her cheeks blushed as she remembered the posy she received just before her first ball.
Two days before they were to leave, the sisters sat in the park next to the duck pond when the colonel walked up and greeted them. He explained his purpose in coming was to give Elizabeth a gift from his cousin, then he pulled something from his pocket and held it out to her—a book with a flower placed at a certain spot inside. She excused herself to walk around the pond alone so she could read the marked poem.
Mary smiled as she watched her sister.
Fitz touched her arm to garner her attention, then when she turned to him, he asked, “Are you all packed and ready to go to Pemberley?”
“Yes; I look forward to it.”
“It is a lovely place. You must not let its size intimidate you.”
“Is it truly so large?”
He chuckled, “When I was a boy and it was raining, we would often play games where we had to hide. Once, when I was around eight, I was distracted by Mrs Reynolds announcing that Cook had some fresh biscuits in the kitchen, so I did not find Darcy. He finally left his hiding spot a few hours later and we never could talk him into playing that game again.”
She tried not to laugh, but she could not help it, “How terrible!”
“Oh, the messes we got into at Pemberley and the stories I could tell, but it looks as if your sister has finished her letter,” he indicated Elizabeth walking back towards them.
Mary stood. “Thank you; I will always think of the things you have told me of Pemberley as I explore its rooms.”
“You may need to draw a map,” he teased.
Elizabeth rejoined them and then Fitz walked with them back home. After finalizing the particulars of their travel plans with Mr Gardiner, he took his leave, giving Mary a small wink when he bowed to her. She could not help but chuckle inwardly at such behavior, though she also hoped he did not treat all his friends the same. She could not imagine him doing the same to Miss Bingley.
As he returned home he thought of the way Miss Mary was acting around him lately. It was different than before. It was almost as if she was more comfortable, just as if they were friends. Is that what she wants? Maybe I assumed she felt more than she did and am just now realizing I was wrong? She did say once that she knew she would never marry, but he just assumed it was the words of a hurting young lady who had never been given special attention. As his mind began to wander again in that direction, he scolded himself. I cannot afford to offer for her, so it really does not matter how she treats me. She is a friend, and that is all she will ever be, he told himself.
Though he tried to not let it affect him, he felt a pain at the realization that he was giving up a good chance for love. By the end of the evening he had talked himself into the decision, and now it was so set in his mind that he knew even the weeks of being around her at Pemberley and as he accompanied her family on their tour of the Peaks, would not cause him to allow his heart to hurt. He would be his usual friendly self, and he would enjoy the time with her and her family, but he would not love her. He could not choose to love her, but he could still be her friend.
Fitz thought his decision would be hard to live with, but instead he found it was freeing and allowed him to get to know Miss Mary in a way he never could have if his heart was dictating their interactions. He found he liked this new venture of just being her friend.
They were on their second day of travel when the weather began to become dark. Edward decided they would stop for the night earlier than expected, and he was just sealing his letter to Darcy telling of their unexpected delay when Mary sat down near him at the table in the corner of the sitting room. “Are you well, my dear?”
She nodded.
“You were pensive these last few weeks, but since leaving Town your mood has improved. Are you sure you do not want to talk about anything?”
“I do have a question, Uncle,” she signed. “How did you know you wanted to marry Aunt Maddie?”
“Well,” he began, “we actually grew up together and we began as just friends and playmates. One day though, that all changed. I was watching her across a field as she picked flowers, and in that moment I just knew I loved her. I was in the middle before I knew it had begun.”
“Is that what love feels like?”
“No, my dear, but it is a good start to the bonds of love that last over time.” He stood, pulling her up with him, “Come my dear. Your aunt insists we eat downstairs in the dining room this evening after the children have had their supper, and I know you will need to change. I do too,” he said as he looked down at his traveling clothes. “I had best hurry if I am to check on the horses with the colonel.” He tapped his hand with the missive he held, “I must also have this delivered to Mr Darcy so he does not worry over our late arrival.” He kissed her cheek, then smiled as he went to dress.
Mary changed as well, then after the children ate their supper, she and Elizabeth accompanied their aunt to help the children prepare for bed. Mary assisted Juliana with wrapping her hair with rags while Elizabeth changed baby Joseph. Upon her stepping away from the toddling child, he found the wash basin, soaking his nightgown as he splashed around in the mess. When Eliza
beth reached for him, he ran across the room only to be scooped up in his mother’s arms. Elizabeth watched as her aunt tickled the child, then lovingly changed him once again. She hoped to one day be the kind, caring, and patient mother her aunt was.
Soon the children were all ready and Aunt Maddie sat down on the bed with her back to the headboard. The sisters gave their cousins a kiss and a hug, and the children cuddled all around their mother. She ran her hand through Henry’s hair to calm his always jumpy legs, and began telling them a story. Elizabeth and Mary quietly left their aunt to her nightly ritual with her children.
They entered the sitting room, and Mary asked her sister, “Did Joseph get you wet as well?”
She chuckled, “He soaked himself mostly, but I do need to change before we go downstairs to dine.” She turned to go into her room.
“Elizabeth?”
She turned back around, “Yes?”
“One day, would you tell me about your proposal?”
She smiled, “I already did. Do you not remember?”
“No, I mean would you tell me how you felt when he proposed?”
Elizabeth walked back over and took her sister’s hand, leading them to the table in the corner of the room. When they were both seated, she signed, “What do you wish to know exactly?”
“What does it feel like? How did you know you would be happy for the rest of your life?”
Elizabeth closed her eyes, a small smile playing across her lips as she began to sign, “When he reaches for my hand, I come alive inside. When he steps away from me, I know there is something missing. It is difficult to describe, but I would say it is like floating. Nothing looks too difficult to face with Fitzwilliam by my side. We have known loss many times over, but I have never felt this kind of connection with another that I feel with him. We are bound in a way I cannot even fathom, much less put adequately into words.”
Mary embraced her sister, “Thank you.”
When they pulled apart, Elizabeth asked, “Did that answer your question?”
“No, but I have a feeling I shall not truly understand unless I am ever in love.”
Elizabeth left the room to change, looking back to her sister from the doorway. What she saw was a grown lady; no longer the little sister who always needed her protection. In a way it saddened her, but she knew it was necessary to step away from that role now that she was to take her husband’s hand in just a few short weeks.
Mary pulled her journal out and began writing of the day’s adventures and of their good fortune in having two carriages at their disposal for the long journey.
...Henry did not do well in the confined space of the carriage for the second day in a row so the colonel let him ride with him on his horse for an hour, leaving him with many descriptions of all they passed in that time when he finally returned to the carriage. I do not remember much of my life when I was five years of age, but I often wonder if I too had such fanciful tales of mundane accounts.
Just as yesterday, the colonel chose to ride beside us, but I was able to speak with him a few times when we stopped. He is becoming such a good friend. Last evening he even read aloud from a book he brought with him, practicing the signs he was working hard to master. I must say, I was suitably impressed with his efforts. Very impressed indeed.
She had just sanded the drying ink and closed her journal when the two gentlemen came into the sitting room, talking amiably together of the expected tour of the Peaks. Edward saw his niece’s slight blush and apologized for interrupting her.
“I was just finishing, Uncle,” she explained, happy to see Elizabeth join them as well from their shared chamber.
“If you three will excuse me for a minute, I must kiss my children before they are all soundly asleep,” Edward excused himself.
Fitz removed his rain soaked gloves and coat, hanging them by the fire to dry. “Hopefully this weather will clear up quickly and allow us to continue on tomorrow.”
Mary walked over to the window, joining Elizabeth as she drew back the curtain to look outside. When she turned back and saw the colonel looking at her in expectation of her saying something, it made her smile. He truly is a friend, she thought as she signed back, “Maybe it is just a summer shower?”
“Perhaps,” he replied. “They are common at this time of the year.”
“Do you stop here often when traveling?” Elizabeth questioned him.
Fitz looked around the charming room, “Here? No, I do not remember ever stopping here before. It is a nice Inn though. Darcy and I usually make it much further by the end of our second day of traveling.”
“You have only ever traveled to Pemberley with your cousin then?” Mary asked.
“Though I dearly love Pemberley, I rarely have the opportunity to travel there. My duties keep me bound for other shores or near London, and my parents’ estate, Croome Court, is in Worcestershire so the route is not the same as going to Pemberley straight away.”
“So you grew up in the West? Is that near Wales?” Mary asked, curious to learn a little more of him.
“Yes, very near actually—within a day’s journey—but I would not say I grew up there. I spent most of my youth at Pemberley.”
“Oh? Why is that?”
“You have met my parents,” he said honestly. “I have never seen things the way they do, and we had a bit of a falling out when I was younger. My aunt and uncle saw fit to allow me to live with them until I was of an age to join the Army.” Not wanting to answer any more questions about the rather awkward relationship he had with his own parents, he drew the conversation back to his cousin’s estate. “Within Pemberley’s borders are held such wonders that you will be awed and amazed at the loving way it warms its way into your soul. It truly is a magical place. I dare say it is the most beautiful estate I have ever visited.”
“The picture Mr Darcy has hanging in his home in Town in breathtaking,” Elizabeth replied.
“Yes it is.” Fitz knew this next part would pique Mary’s interest, so he smiled as he said, “My Aunt Anne was known far and wide for her flower gardens.”
“It sounds lovely—I cannot wait to see Pemberley,” Mary replied.
“You not only get to see it, you get to live there,” he lifted his eyebrow jovially.
“Yes, it will be very different for me.” she agreed.
Fitz turned to Elizabeth, “I know your aunt is from Derbyshire, but you have never mentioned having traveled there before now. Is this your first time?”
“Yes, she spent several years as a child in Derbyshire, but her family moved to... that is, she moved away from there to where I grew up... when she was just thirteen. That is when she met my uncle,” Elizabeth stammered.
He noticed her nervousness over speaking of where she grew up, so he decided to change the conversation once again to all they would see on the rest of their journey and on their tour of the Peaks. The Gardiners soon joined them and the five went downstairs to dine.
Edward watched his niece carefully as they dined, seeing a small sparkle in her eyes when the colonel took the chair next to her at the round table. He had a feeling the questions she asked earlier were Mary’s way of trying to learn her own heart when it came to this gentleman. Having been assured already that he would not raise her expectations, he allowed more lenience than might be prudent. Perhaps it was time to speak with the colonel again about how he felt.
When they returned upstairs everyone retired, sleeping soundly and waking refreshed and ready to complete their journey. The colonel chose to ride inside today, happy to tell stories to the curious Henry who had taken a great liking to him.
It was nearly dusk when they pulled into a long drive that would eventually lead them to the manor house. Fitz watched as the Bennet sisters’ faces shone with much joy at the sights surrounding them. When they came over a hilltop and Pemberley House came into view, Elizabeth sucked in a breath, the words “It is beautiful,” falling quietly from her lips.
Mrs Gardiner grasped her
niece’s hand, squeezing affectionately, “I would never have believed my own niece would one day be mistress over all this.”
“It is too much,” Elizabeth said with tears in her eyes.
When they finally stopped Elizabeth saw her intended standing beside the entrance. The gentlemen stepped down from the carriage and she recognized the hand that reached for hers. As they waited for the others to descend they shared a semi—private moment, both extraordinarily happy to be together once again. When Elizabeth greeted Miss Darcy, the girl turned her nose up and looked away, refusing even the simplest of acknowledgments. Darcy and Fitz both saw her actions, then looked at each other, knowing they must discuss some things when they were alone.
Darcy took a deep breath, then turned away from his sister and led his guests inside, allowing Mrs Reynolds, the housekeeper, to show them to their respective chambers to change for supper.
Mr and Mrs Gardiner were amazed at the care that was taken with the placement of their children. Their own chambers were connected to the nursery, and Mr Darcy’s staff was ready to care for the little ones at a moment’s notice, giving their own nurse a chance to rest after such a long journey.
Their nieces would have two rooms across the hall from them for now, but Mr Darcy assured them that on the morrow they could each view the rooms in the family wing which were chosen for them. The mistress’ chambers would need some attention as it had not been decorated in nearly thirty years. The paper was old and faded, and in some places it was peeling off the wall. Wanting to give his future wife the opportunity to choose her own furnishings, he did not attend to it when he took over Pemberley after his father passed away.
The room chosen for Mary was decorated by his mother, but it too was in need of some attention. Wanting Mary to feel at home here at Pemberley, he decided to leave the decisions for her room up to her as well. Mr Darcy explained that he had already spoken to the shop keepers in the town of Lambton just five miles away, and they were all anticipating the new mistress’ orders for furnishings, wall coverings, and various accoutrements for the area’s largest estate.
Just to Hear 'I Love You': An Alternate Tale of Jane Austen's 'Pride & Prejudice' Page 11