“See, now I know you are lying. You never bring home work from the office. Not even during tax season. So whatever you’re really writing must be good if you have to lie about it instead of letting me see.”
Jo glared bullets at Abbie trying to intimidate her into giving the truth, but Abbie just stared right back. After realizing that Abbie was not giving in, Jo rolled her eyes and walked away. Abbie let out the breath that she had been holding and took her laptop back into her room.
Sadly, Jo was right. Abbie had been writing a lot lately, but there was no way she was ever sharing her thoughts with Jo. Or anybody else for that matter. She had been writing about Toby, but this time, she wasn’t afraid he would be offended at how poorly she thought of him, but amused at how much she liked him. And how confused he made her feel. And how she wished she could go back in time and take back that post. Because even if it really didn’t bother him, it bothered her that she had ever badmouthed anything about him. But she was pretty sure if he ever read what she was thinking, he would run for the hills. After all, while he had forgiven her, he had also put her strictly in the friend zone, with no obvious way out.
This sucked because the more friendly he treated her, the more she just wanted him to just have his way with her. Everything about him sent tingles down her spine. The way he smelled, the way he talked, the way he said her name. The way his mouth turned up at the corners when he was trying not to smile and the way he could stare blankly at his computer for entire minutes without blinking when he was thinking, which she knew because she spent those same minutes staring dreamily at him.
She thought she had a massive crush on him before because he was hot and he was good looking and she had nobody better to like at the time. But it was nothing like what she felt now. Now, when he had proved he could take a joke. And that he could be forgiving. He was spending all this time with her, and every new thing she learned just reinforced how wrong she had been about him. Apparently she was in some serious trouble.
She denied it, of course, because it was embarrassing and hopeless. When Maggie had asked her about all the time they were spending together at work, she had shrugged and said, “I might have judged him a little harshly, but we are definitely supposed to be just work buddies. I mean, he is nice to talk to and easy to look at, but take him out of the office, where he is interesting by comparison, and what do you have? Somebody I know I don’t want.”
“If you say so,” Maggie had responded, sarcasm dripping off the words, but she hadn’t said anything about it since.
Abbie thought about this as she headed to the park. It was Saturday, and that meant she had the opportunity to run in real sunlight with real fresh air instead of on the stuffy, dim treadmill at the gym. Of course, it also meant that she didn’t have Tyler to advise her on all of life’s decisions while she exercised and was stuck instead with her own thoughts. Worse, lately all of her thoughts were centered on Toby.
She re-tied her laces and took off on a warm up lap around the trail encircling the park. After a lap or two, she began to pick up speed, trying to run away from her own voice, which was constantly yapping inside of her head. She wished she was the type of runner who could focus on the running, who could turn off her mind and simply focus on pushing herself harder and further. No matter how far or fast she ran, though, she could not escape her own mind.
“Get a hold of yourself, Abbie,” she coached herself. “You deserve this. Damn you for being a fool.” Her words came in a steady stream that matched the pace she had set for her run. She didn’t even realize she was saying them out loud until a familiar voice woke her from her trance.
“Abbie?” Toby called out, running up behind her. “Are you talking to yourself?” She tried to act like she didn’t hear him. Maybe if she ignored him this whole embarrassing situation would go away. He didn’t give up, though. He just ran ahead of her, turned to face her, and began running backwards until she stopped.
“Are you trying to avoid me, Abbie?” he asked.
“Oh. Hi, Toby. I’m sorry. I didn’t even notice you. You know. I was in the rhythm, lost to the world, tranced out.”
“You’re rambling,” he told her with a half grin.
“I. I’m sorry. I just …”
“It’s okay. I was just wondering what you were mumbling under your breath while you were in the rhythm, lost to the world? Tranced out, did you say? I’ve never heard that one.”
Abbie blushed. “I don’t remember saying anything specific,” she lied. “Just general motivational phrases probably. You have to get through the race somehow.”
They began to walk, as Toby asked, “Do you run here often?”
“Every Saturday and Sunday. I’ve never seen you here before, though.”
“That’s because I’m usually not. I just joined an ultimate Frisbee league, though, and our first game just ended. We won too.” He smiled proudly.
“Good for you! I didn’t even know Coleman had a league for that. How often do you play?”
“Mostly on Sunday afternoons, but we’re starting off the season with a tournament. Since we just won, we got a bye for the next game. Hey, if you’re finished running, you wanna go grab some lunch?”
“Oh. Okay. Yeah. You caught me on my last lap. I normally do a cool down lap, but I think our walking did that. So, perfect timing!” In fact, she had been nowhere near done, but Toby did not need to know that, and Abbie was definitely not turning down a non-workday lunch with Toby.
They headed to a nearby concession stand where a vendor was selling hot dogs, and then they walked over to a shaded picnic table.
“So …” Abbie started, “ultimate Frisbee, huh?”
“Yep.”
“How long have you been playing?”
“Since college.”
“Oh. That sounds like fun. I never played any sports, but I like to watch them. I used to watch fishing on TV. I know that’s weird, but I found it calming. Which is odd, because it can actually be pretty dangerous. Did you know that fishing is one of the most dangerous professions if you look at it proportionately? I mean, not a lot of professional fishermen die each year, but if you look at it as a percentage of how many professional fishermen there are, then it’s a pretty staggering number.”
What was she talking about? Whatever it was, she couldn’t seem to stop. She felt like her brain had left her body and was floating above them watching this conversation with horror. She knew nobody cared about what she was saying, but she had to fill in the awkward silence. At work, they always had work things to discuss, this was another element entirely, and Toby was not helping. She …
Toby started to laugh.
“What?” There was no way he found anything she had told him humorous.
He grinned at her.
“Now you know how I felt.”
“Excuse me?”
“How I felt that night. You know, when you weren’t talking and I was rambling and you fell asleep after the salad.”
Abbie’s jaw dropped. She was pretty sure she wasn’t even speaking figuratively. She thought her mouth was actually hanging open, and she had to make a concerted effort to shut it and keep it shut.
“Oh.”
He laughed some more, and she blushed.
“I’m sorry. I’m…I know I keep saying it, but it’s true. I was drunk and sad and. I’m just really sorry.”
Toby laughed as he always did about the whole situation. Abbie relaxed slightly. Sometimes it felt as if his cheerfulness on the subject was a little forced, but maybe that was just her paranoia talking.
“I’m messing with you, Abbie,” Toby continued. “Like friends do. Right?”
“Right,” Abbie whispered, “friends.” Her heart broke just a little bit inside.
Toby smiled at her, but his smile faded as he looked into her eyes. He didn’t blink. She didn’t blink. And when he began to lean in, she didn’t back away. He was so close, she could smell the subtle hint of his cologne. It wasn’t fair, she
would think later when her brain was working again and she could think about these things, that he could still smell so good even after running around in the hot sun. She knew she couldn’t say the same about herself. She closed her eyes ready for the heady sensation sure to come. And quickly opened them when she felt Toby jump to his feet.
“I…I,” he stuttered just as Abbie had before, “I’m. Now I’m the one who's sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Abbie tried to assure him, but he cut her off.
“I have to go. I’ve got something to do.”
He took off in a quick jog, and Abbie sat there confused, alone, and physically and mentally frustrated. What had just happened?
She sat there for a while gathering her thoughts. After a little bit of introspection, she stood up, and turned to leave.
As she began to walk, some guy grabbed her elbow and pulled her close. The last things she saw before his lips crashed down on hers was the grim look on Toby’s face.
How unhappy he looked before he had kissed her or why he had returned, the answers to those questions didn’t matter. All that mattered was as soon as their lips met, everything else blurred and swayed and evaporated and nothing mattered but them.
She had been kissed a lot, but never like this. It wasn’t just that he was good, though he was. It was just that he was him. And this was right. And she didn’t want it to end. Ever.
He had pushed her back until her she was up against a tree and his hands were everywhere and why were there still so many clothes between them? She forgot where she was, and she was pretty sure nothing could be better than what was happening right then.
She was wrong. It could get better. She realized this as his hand pushed underneath her shirt. Her heart was racing and his calloused fingertips sent chills up her side where they trailed gently at first and then gripped harder. His knee worked its way in between her legs and his mouth moved down and his hand moved up in sync. His lips met her jaw as he ran up her waist. He moved to her neck, to her ribs. His breath brushed over her collarbone and his hand…she let out a shaky breath…his hand was moving higher…he was almost… Nowhere. He had pulled away. She opened her eyes and looked straight into his.
He looked pained. He looked confused. She was too. Why had he stopped?
“Why did you stop?” Did she ask that out loud? She only meant to think it.
He shrugged. “I just. I never should have started it. I didn’t come back to do that. I came back because I shouldn’t have left you like that. I should have been a gentleman and walked you back. I should have… It doesn’t matter. I wasn’t thinking, and I did things I am going to regret and you are going to regret.”
“I’m not … “
Once again he cut her off, “Let’s not talk about it. This doesn’t have to be awkward. Friends, still? I mean, work friends?”
Abbie wanted to cry, but she wouldn’t. Not now. That would come when she was back home in her room and she could be confused and sad without anyone watching. Well, maybe Maggie could watch and listen. Because what would she do without Maggie’s advice?
Instead of crying or begging as she wanted, she stood strong.
“Friends,” she told him, almost sounding like she meant it.
When she returned home, Maggie wasn’t there. She sent her a text asking when she was getting home, and Maggie responded with a “Not 2nite. At Dale’s. ;)” Abbie grabbed a bottle from the girls’ home bar and headed to her room, grumbling under her breath.
“Winkie face, she types. At least somebody gets to use a winkie face tonight.” She popped the cork and didn’t even bother with a glass. It was a straight out of the bottle kind of night.
She was about halfway through said bottle that her writing muse struck again. She grabbed her laptop and let the words flow.
8
Toby banged through the front door and slammed it behind him. He had run the few blocks home berating himself the whole way. He knew better. Or by now he should’ve known better, at the very least. How had it gotten so off track? He thought back on the day.
When he woke up that morning, he was excited. It was the first day of his Ultimate league, and he hadn’t played since college. Since he was new to this league, nobody knew him yet, which meant that nobody knew about him and Abbie. Besides, he’d be so focused on the game that he wouldn’t be thinking of anything else. It all added up to a morning off from that stupid post.
Then they had won, which pleased his competitive nature. As he went to get lunch, he was in a better mood than he had been in a while. Turning towards the concession stands, he saw her.
Her hair was in a messy bun bobbing up and down on her head in rhythm with her running. She was flushed from the sun and the exercise. She should have looked awful, but she didn’t. She looked beautiful in a way that he had only ever noticed once before. In her fancy suits and perfectly done hair, she had always looked hot. It wasn’t that. But in all that gear, she looked like a worker or a Stepford Wife, or maybe he should say a Stepford Worker. There was just something forced about it, like she wasn’t truly herself.
The one time he remembered being struck by this thought, a revelation of her actual beauty, was on the fateful night of their first date, the first time he saw her out of her work clothes. It was as though finally, there she was, the real Abbie. She looked good in her real clothes, and he couldn’t help but picture what she would look like without wearing any clothes at all. He had told himself not to go down that route or the date would start out badly due to a certain embarrassing occurrence he would undergo if he kept undressing her in his mind.
As it turned out, the date hadn’t gone well even without clear evidence of his x-rated thoughts. And with everything that had happened after, he had pretty much forgotten about how non-work Abbie made him feel.
He moved towards her, unable to help himself. If he had thought about it, he would’ve said that he was doing research. It was not a stretch to assume that this wasn’t the only time she ran at this park. If he could lock down her running schedule, it would be a lot easier to set up a meeting between her and Parker when the time was right.
As he walked closer to her, he could see her lips moving. She was talking to herself. He felt as if he had never wanted anything more than to know just what it was she was saying. Because whatever it was represented her real thoughts, he told himself. Because her real thoughts were what would help Parker the most, he reiterated. Not because he wanted to know more about her.
When he called out to her, he saw the tiniest flinch. She’d heard him, he realized, but she kept on running. By now, the urge to talk to her was too much for him to give up that easily. He sped on ahead of her and when she stopped and became nervous, when she blushed, he had to once again remind himself of how much she had humiliated him. He couldn’t fall for her charms.
He talked her into going to lunch, and when she started rambling, he couldn’t help himself. He had a little fun with her, but then the laughing stopped and he looked into her eyes and…he had to get out of there. But he couldn’t just leave her. Sure, they weren’t that far from where she had been running, but he still felt honor bound to walk her back to her car if she had driven or at least to a more populated area where he could feel better about her safety. So he returned. And he had kissed her. He almost did more than that, too, right there in broad daylight in a public park. What was she doing to him?
The rest of the afternoon he had been distracted, which didn’t help his playing. His team had lost in the semifinals, but he couldn’t worry about that right now. He had some decisions to make.
Ultimately, it came down to this: could he continue this scheme? Yes. He was still mad. Yes. He was still embarrassed. Now, however, he was less embarrassed and less mad. He had to admit that. While it was not over yet, he could not deny that the jokes and concern were dying down. One day earlier that week, he could even see a day when they would stop altogether. Or maybe not altogether, but at least it would only be an old story bro
ught up at family reunions when everybody was sitting around reminiscing. It would have no effect on his day to day life, though.
Of course, right when he thought that, Mr. Rolan had come to his desk and asked if he could talk to him in private.
“A disturbing piece of information has crossed my desk, Mr. Lakeland. Have you seen this?”
It was a printout of Abbie’s post. Toby’s guard went up.
A reluctant yes answered the question.
“And?”
“And, sir?”
“Look, Mr. Lakeland, I know this misguided event happened outside of the office, but I am disturbed that it happened at all.”
How had the man taken this long to hear about this? How had he found out about it now that it was dying down.
“I’m sorry, sir.”
“I’m going to let it slide this time because Abbie has not issued a complaint, but I better not hear about you bothering her again. Inside or outside of work, do not mess with her if you want to continue working here.”
And then once again Toby was mad. But then he had forgotten his anger once again in the park, and this time no Mr. Rolan was there to remind him why he should not just forgive her.
There was no debating that Abby was a much better person than he was giving her credit for. She had made one mistake. One drunken mistake. Was it really the end of the world?
Besides which, he reminded himself, if he were to really forgive her and maybe just see if she had changed her mind about him, maybe they could try again. Maybe this time would be better. Maybe her giving him another chance would show everyone else that he was not the bad guy.
He needed advice.
“Parker,” he yelled out before barreling into his roommate’s bedroom, “we have to talk.”
Parker sat up in bed.
“What is it, Toby? What?”
“Did I wake you?”
“Clearly.”
“You worked the night shift last night?”
The Abbie Diaries: The Complete Series Page 4