by E. L. Todd
“I can’t be a dad,” I finally said. “I’m going to be a terrible father.”
Anger suddenly spread through his features. “You better not be telling me that you’re leaving your wife and unborn baby. Because I would beat the shit out of you right here on this beach.”
I knew he meant it. “That’s not what I’m saying.”
“Then clarify,” he said with hostility.
“I just…I’m not ready to be a dad. I keep having these dreams where I hurt my baby. I drop him or leave him somewhere. I don’t know the first thing about being a father. What if I do something wrong and he ends up as a serial killer? What if I don’t teach him how to drive properly and he gets in a car accident? What if I accidentally hurt him? What if he hates me…?”
My dad walked beside me and stared straight ahead. “Every parent goes through this, Mike.”
“No, Sean seems totally fine. He says he’s a little nervous but that’s it. And you’re the best father in the world. How can I be like both of you? I’m drowning in my own insecurities. How do you be a good father? Tell me.”
He shrugged. “There’s no right answer.”
“Well, that really helps,” I said bitterly.
“When your mother told me she was pregnant with you, I was nothing but happy. The whole pregnancy was wonderful. Every day was a gift. The best months of our marriage were spent waiting for you to join us. But a week before you were born, I got scared.”
“You did?” Mr. Perfect was scared?
“Yeah. I left the house and stayed with my brother for a day. I lied to your mother and said I had a business meeting.
“What? You lied to Mom?” I didn’t think that was possible.
“That was the only time I lied, and I told her about it afterwards.”
“What did you do there?”
“I talked it out with my brother.”
“And what did you tell Mom?”
“The truth. I was scared. Being a parent is the biggest responsibility you’ll ever have. It can be overwhelming.”
“So what did you do?”
He shrugged. “I came home and waited for you to arrive.”
“Did you drop me?”
He laughed. “No, not once.”
“Did you leave me at the store?”
He shook his head, smiling. “No.”
“Then how did you become such a good dad?”
He rubbed his chin while he pondered his answer. “I put you first. That’s all.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means what it means. You were the most important thing in my world. I didn’t sleep or do anything else unless I was absolutely sure you were taken care of. I even put you before your mother. I loved you with my whole heart and spent my life living for you. When I was at work, I called and checked in. When I came home, I spent time with you.”
“What about when you were alone with me?”
“I got to know you. I took you to work with me on days your mother needed some alone time. You sat beside my desk while I worked. It was the greatest time of my life. You and I really bonded then. Even though you couldn’t talk, I began to understand your language. In time, we just got to know each other.”
“Were you scared the first time you were alone with me?”
“Terrified,” he said with a laugh. “But at the end of the day, I realized I could handle it. While being a parent is stressful, it’s also the greatest joy you’ll ever know. And the day your kids finally find their way in life, settle down and get their happily ever after, is the day you can pat yourself on the back and know all those sleepless nights and years of worry were completely and utterly worth it.”
I took a deep breath. “You make it sound so easy.”
He laughed. “No, the both of you were terrors on multiple occasions. Your mother and I wanted to kill you.”
I knew exactly what incidences he was referring to. “I can imagine.”
“But like I said, the work is worth the reward.”
“I guess I feel a little better. But I’m still scared.”
“It’s good that you’re scared. The reason why you’re scared is because you care. You want to give your children the best life you possibly can. You want to make sure you do your job right, get everything perfect. That means you understand the weight of the responsibility and you know exactly what you’re getting into. It’s good, Mike. Because you’re scared, I know you’ll be a great father, better than me.”
“I highly doubt that.”
“I don’t.” He gave me a fond look. “Just don’t neglect your wife. After carrying a baby for nine months, she needs a break. You need to step up and take care of your child. Let her rest.”
“I will.”
“And your mother and I are here whenever you need us. We are more than happy to babysit at any time. Actually, your mother is really looking forward to it. So, make sure you take Cassandra out to dinner and make her feel pretty every now and then. And don’t ever stop being active in the bedroom.”
“We don’t need to worry about that,” I said with a laugh.
He clapped my shoulder. “You’ll be fine, Mike.”
“When will the dreams go away?”
“Hopefully now,” he said. “But if not, they’ll disappear after your baby gets here. When you look at him for the first time, you’ll be ready. All the doubt will disappear and you’ll just concentrate on the task before you.”
I nodded. “I feel a little better now.”
“Good.”
We kept walking down the beach as we headed back toward the house. When I remembered my childhood, my father was always there. We played baseball in the front yard then colored in the evenings. When I got older, he was at every game and school function. Work never got in the way and he was always there when it counted. Perhaps that was the secret to being a good father; just being there. Even if I wasn’t the greatest man to give advice or I didn’t do everything perfect, my son would know I was always there, always trying. And that would mean something to him.
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem. Now go home and tell your wife where you really were.” He gave me a knowing look.
I smirked. “I will.”
As soon as I walked through the door, Cassandra was pissed. She stared at me with a look of hatred, fire burning in her eyes with her hands on her hips.
Shit, I was in trouble.
“Where the hell where you?” she demanded.
This wasn’t good.
“I called the office and Sean said you weren’t there and you never said you were coming.” She crossed her arms over her chest, making her stomach look bigger. “Now what the hell were you really doing?”
“Wait. Why did you call?”
“Because you were acting weird. I had a feeling you weren’t going to the office.”
Damn, she knew me well.
“I thought we didn’t lie to each other?” Her eyes were bigger than I’d ever seen them. “So what were you doing? You couldn’t stand to be around your humungous pregnant wife a second longer? If you need space, just tell me. Don’t lie to me.”
“Baby, I can explain.”
“You better,” she hissed. “I won’t tolerate a man who lies. I’ve dealt with it my whole life.”
I came closer to her and reached for her, but she stepped back. The venom was still in her eyes. “I’ve been having dreams…”
She stared at me, waiting for me to finish.
“Nightmares, actually. Every night, I dream that I hurt our baby. I lose him or drop him. The fear scares the shit out of me and I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. Honestly, I’m terrified of being a father and I fear that I’ll do a shitty job. I didn’t want to talk to you about it because I didn’t want to stress you out. So I went to the greatest father I’ve ever known, my dad.”
The anger dimmed slightly. “And what did he say?”
“Basically, every first time parent feels th
is way and it’s normal. The fact I care about being a shitty father automatically makes me a good one. It shows that I care and I’m willing to do anything to avoid that fate. He said when I see our baby for the first time everything will just fall into place. And the first time I take care of them all alone, I’ll know I can handle anything.”
Cassandra’s eyes softened. She stepped closer to me and rubbed my arms. “I’m scared too.”
“You are?”
“Of course I am. I want to be the perfect mother but I’m scared I’ll fail.”
“Well, neither one of us will be perfect. But we’ll do our best and that’s all that matters. When we love our children with our whole heart, they’ll be okay. They’ll see it and remember it. I know my dad loves me more than anything, and he’ll always be there for me. I’ll do the same for ours.”
She breathed a sigh of relief. “I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions…I just knew you were hiding something from me.”
“I only hid it so I wouldn’t make you stress. You already have enough on your plate right now. And I definitely didn’t want you to think that I was considering taking off or something like that.”
“No, that was the furthest thing from my mind.”
I smiled. “Good. Abandonment is not my style.”
“I know.” She moved closer to me then turned sideways, cuddling into my chest. She couldn’t hug me anymore because she was too big.
I ran my hand up her back then massaged the back of her neck. “How are you feeling?”
“Miserable like always.” She sighed deeply. “I understand why parents resent their kids so much.”
I laughed. “It’ll be worth it in the end.”
“We’re only having one kid,” she said firmly.
That wasn’t going to happen but I’ll let her think it anyway. “How about a back massage while we watch TV?”
“You’re always pampering me…”
“You’re carrying my baby. That’s what I should be doing.”
“I’m sorry for being so…emotional all the time.”
“Everything you do in this nine months is automatically pardoned. I know your body is going through a lot right now. You’re giving me the greatest gift in the world. I can put up with anything you throw at me.”
“I’ll be really sweet to you after our baby is here.”
I smirked. “I’ll hold you to that.”
“I assumed you would.”
8
Sean
When I came home after work, Scarlet was in the exact same place as she was before.
“Didn’t get much done today?” I teased.
She didn’t get up from the couch. She was always on her feet and in my arms, giving me a kiss after being apart from me for eight hours. But now she didn’t move. “No. I’m just too…uncomfortable.”
My wife was getting bigger by the day. Judging the size of her stomach, she was having a boy, thankfully. “You doing okay?”
“I’m so tired I don’t want to move.”
I came to her then sat beside her. My hand went to her stomach. “Everything okay down there?”
She sighed then closed her eyes. “I just feel…I don’t know.”
Scarlet was the most energetic and hard-working person I knew. Sitting on the couch all day and doing nothing was not like her. She was usually working on her laptop or being productive in some way. I was worried. “Baby, are you sure you’re okay?”
“I don’t know…”
I felt her head. She was warm.
I was in panic overload. “We’re going to the doctor.”
When she didn’t argue with me and tell me it was unnecessary I wanted to scream because I was so damn scared. I kept a straight face and got the car door open and started the engine. I came back to her and gathered her in my arms, feeling the clank of her bracelet against my suit.
She closed her eyes and held onto me.
Fuck. Please not let this happen again.
I got her into the passenger seat and buckled her safety belt, checking it twice. Then I got in the driver’s seat and hauled ass. I didn’t hold her hand and I didn’t tell her everything would be okay. I was so frightened I thought I might pass out. This couldn’t be happening to us, not again. My wife didn’t deserve this.
When we finally reached the doctor’s office after an eternity, I got her out of the car then walked her inside. She could walk but she was slow. Once we got to the check in counter, I rang the bell twenty times in a row until a receptionist came to the window.
“Hello—”
“My wife needs to see a doctor now,” I snapped. “No, I don’t have an appointment, and no, I’m not going to sit down and wait. This could be an emergency. I need to see him. Do as I ask or you’ll regret it.”
Her eyes widened then disappeared behind the door. I watched Scarlet on the chair, her eyes closed and her head leaning back.
“Baby, we’ll see the doctor in a second. Everything is going to be fine.” I tried to sound as convincing as possible. Was this my fault? Should I not have taken her to that bed and breakfast? Maybe the walk was too much. Did I stress her out? Fuck, what did I do?
“Come with me, Mr. Preston,” the doctor said as he opened the door.
I grabbed Scarlet then helped her down the hall and into the doctor’s room.
“Tell me what’s going on,” he said calmly.
“She’s tired, hot, and she’s…not feeling well.” I tried to keep my cool but it wasn’t getting hard. “My wife never complains about pain, but she can barely talk. Is everything okay?”
He looked at the clipboard then made a call. A woman came inside then took Scarlet’s blood. My foot shook as I stood, unable to keep still. Scarlet opened her eyes and watched me, so I kept my face stoic and pretended I wasn’t worried. Little did she know I was dying inside.
After she took the blood, she departed and the doctor took out the sonogram machine.
“Let’s take a look,” he said.
“Is she going to be okay?” I blurted.
“We’ll find out.” He kept calm and concentrated on the task. “Take a seat, Mr. Preston.”
I stood by my wife’s side, being a crazed watchdog that wouldn’t go away no matter how hard you kicked it.
He ran the probe over her stomach and watched the monitor. He stared for a long time, seeing something only he could decipher. I was about to explode because I was so scared.
Please don’t let her lose our baby. We couldn’t go through this again. I didn’t want to see my wife cry—not again.
“The heartbeat is strong,” he said.
Oh, thank god. I ran my fingers through my hair, finally releasing the stress that was built inside me. “You’re sure?”
“Yep.” He moved the probe around and continued to look. “There’s no obstruction or distinguished problems. Your baby is alive and well. Would you like to know the sex of your baby?”
My heart froze. “You know?”
“Yes, I do.” He removed the probe and cleaned her off. “So, would you like to know?”
I turned to Scarlet, looking her in the eyes. “Is my wife okay? She’s still not feeling well.”
“I’ll know when I get the blood work. Whatever is affecting her isn’t harming your baby.”
That was something to be thankful for.
The receptionist came in and handed him the papers. “The blood work.”
“Thank you.” He took them and read each one, taking his time.
The wait was killing me. “Is everything okay?”
“No.” He looked at me. “Your wife has a vitamin deficiency. Apparently, she isn’t eating enough.”
I turned to Scarlet, trying to keep back my anger. That’s the last thing she needed. “Baby, have you been eating?”
She shrugged. “When I’m at home, sometimes I’m too tired to get up.”
“Why don’t you ask Olga to get you something?”
“She’s busy.”
I c
ould slap her. I took a deep breath and stayed calm. After I closed my eyes and reopened them, I regained my cool. “Other than that, is she okay?”
“In perfect health,” the doctor said. “So, Mrs. Preston, do you want to know if your baby is a boy or a girl?”
“I…” She looked at me. “Do you want to know or do you want it to be a surprise?”
“I don’t know,” I said honestly.
“There are pros and cons,” the doctor said. “If you wait, it’ll be a wonderful surprise. But if you know now, you can prepare everything and determine the appropriate way to raise your baby based on the sex. When you have a baby shower, you’ll get appropriate clothes.”
My brother didn’t want to know the sex of their baby until it arrived and neither did Cassandra, but I wasn’t so sure if I wanted to wait. In my mind, my baby was a boy. It better be a boy. But what if it wasn’t? I didn’t even want to think about it. “I want to know if you do.”
She smiled slightly. “I already know it’s a girl.”
“Do you want to see if you’re right?” I asked.
She nodded. “Yes.” She took my hand and squeezed it gently.
I took a deep breath then released the air from my lungs. “We’re ready.”
The doctor put the machine away then stood up. He rested his hands at his sides and smiled. “You’re having a girl.”
“Awe!” Scarlet pulled my hand to her chest and got teary-eyed. “We’re having a baby girl.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “A girl?”
He nodded. “Yes.”
“You’re sure?” I asked.
“Very sure.” He headed toward the door. “Congratulations.” Then he walked out.
Scarlet sat up then hugged me. “I’m so happy.”
I was still shocked by the news. I would have to constantly protect her from jerks like me. The last thing I wanted was to see my little girl cry. She would look like Scarlet, making me love her even more. She would be busty just like her mom, and I would have to strangle any man that even looked at her. “Yeah…”
She gave me a soft look. “Sean, you aren’t happy?”
“No, of course I am.” I put my hand on her stomach. “I just love her so much and I don’t even know her. I couldn’t stand the idea of a jerk hurting her the way I hurt you.”