All That I Am (Men of Monroe Book 1)

by Rachel Brookes

  “Get the fuck out of here, O’Leary,” Austin growled, but my attention remained on Ben.

  “Why is he talking about Salt Lake?” I asked, my mind still locked on the thought of Ben, Austin, and Drew in Salt Lake together. “You’ve got to start talking.”

  He closed his eyes, dropped his forehead to mine, and sucked in a deep breath. If it was even possible, he pulled me in closer, as if he was afraid I was going to float away.

  “Hey, Sasha?”

  I went rigid against Ben. I loved my name, but hearing it come from the mouth of Edward made me begin to despise it. Slowly, I shifted in Ben’s arms and looked at Edward.

  “By the way you’re clutching onto Hunt, I’m thinking he’s gotten your pussy. By your reaction to hearing they’d been to Salt Lake, I’m thinking he hasn’t been honest with you. Did you know Ben and I have been friends for years? He just can’t seem to stay away from me.”

  Torrents of disgust rushed down my spine. “What are you talking about?”

  An evil grin swept over his face as he attempted to step toward me, but Drew was quicker and pulled him back. The air electrified, and Ben’s grip on me tightened. My confusion was evident as my eyes darted between Austin, Drew, Edward, and Missy. The look on Missy’s face registered her similar level of confusion.

  Something clicked behind Edward’s eyes, and the cruelest grin I’d ever witnessed took over his face. “Well, well, well. This just keeps getting better. Hunt’s been fucking you and he hasn’t told you a goddamn thing.”

  Edward looked through us all before he dealt the final blow. “Ask your boyfriend about Salt Lake, then ask your brother about the business deal we’re working on. Then when you want a real fucking cock to give that sweet pussy to, look me up.”

  29

  SASHA

  As soon as Edward slithered away, Ben stepped aside to make a call, Drew and Austin spoke quietly to each other, and I didn’t wait around. Edward’s taunt replayed in my head on a continuous loop. I needed to get away. I walked straight to my car, and Missy chased after me and grabbed the keys out of my hand. After asking me for Ben’s address, she drove us away from Main Street, and silence engulfed the car. She tried to start a conversation, but I had nothing to give. My subconscious was telling me that I had to start protecting myself, so my need to shut down was creeping in and there was nothing I could do about it.

  Now, I stood in the middle of Ben’s living room, flanked by Ben, Austin, Drew, and Missy, and my eyes were locked on Andy, who wore a mask of fury.

  “Andy, what are you doing here?” I asked incredulously, while offering him a confused smile. This really wasn’t the time for a staff member of Hamilton’s to be here. Maybe Drew needed to give him keys or something and that was why he was here. That was the only reasonable explanation I could come up with. The tick of his jaw became pronounced and the mask of fury turned to one of complete hostility.

  “Babe,” Andy said softly, grabbing my hand and pulling me toward him. The tension in his grip shot my level of concern sky high. “Jesus fuck,” he growled. “I am going to kill O’Leary myself for this bullshit.”

  Andy spoke of O’Leary like he knew exactly who he was, and not someone he’d just learned about. That was the first hint. The second was when he acknowledged Ben with a chin lift when he first walked into Ben’s house without knocking. The third was when Ben came up behind me, his hands gripping my hips and his body framing mine like he’d done so many times before. This was his protective stance. He was holding on so I wouldn’t fall.

  “What’s going on?” I asked, my anxiety soaring sky high. “Why are you here?”

  “This is not how it was meant to happen.” Drew spat, glaring at Ben, and then Andy.

  “How what was meant to happen? What the hell are you four talking about?” Missy demanded, her hands on her hips, and eyes narrowed at the men. “Someone needs to start talking.”

  “You gonna do it, Reeves?” Austin muttered, his voice tight, and his eyes locked on Andy. “Thinking it’s your place to do it.”

  “His name is Andy,” I said, correcting Austin. “Andy Peters. He works at Hamilton’s. I’m sure you would have seen him there.”

  Andy clasped his hands behind his head, and stared at me. Silence rolled through Ben’s living room, and the silence did nothing to soothe the torrent of emotions raging inside of me. I don’t know what made me ask the question, or what made me even consider it. I just knew that for some reason I had to. Maybe it was the look of regret in Andy’s eyes, or the feeling of unease penetrating from Ben, Drew and Austin.

  “Sash,” Andy started, his voice thick.

  I asked the question before he could say anything else.

  “What’s your name?”

  “Sasha,” Ben murmured into my ear, his grip on my hips becoming firmer. My attention remained fixed on Andy, the man who had become a good friend to me over the past six months. The same man who made me Randy Andy specials, shared his ridiculously naughty hook up stories with me, and let me vent about crappy days I had.

  Andy’s gaze left mine and narrowed in behind me at Ben. “This is some fucked up bullshit.”

  Somehow I found my voice, and this time I demanded an answer from Andy. “Tell me your name.”

  His gaze shot to the roof, and he sucked in a deep breath before finding my eyes. “My name is Carson Reeves. I’m an undercover cop.”

  “What?” I gasped, taking a step away from him and breaking Ben’s protective stance behind me. His touch felt like it was burning my skin, and being near the stranger now known as Carson stole my breath.

  “Someone needs to start talking. Right fucking now,” Missy demanded, sounding pissed off and a little hurt. She’d also been sucked into whatever this was and had learned that her friend was not who he said he was.

  Ben’s arms wrapped around me from behind and pulled me against his chest. For a split second, I reveled in the warmth and protection he offered, before I was shocked back to reality. How could I trust Ben if he was sitting on this kind of information? Andy—shit, Carson, had been working the night I went home with Ben. They didn’t even acknowledge each other when Andy came to the table we sat at, but they knew exactly who each other were. I untangled myself from Ben and crossed the room, putting much needed distance between me and everyone there.

  I sucked in desperate breaths and silently counted to ten to try calming the chaos roaring to life inside of me. When I felt I had some control, I looked at the four men in front of me.

  “Is your name Austin?” I hissed, glaring at him.

  “Yeah, Sasha, my name’s Austin.”

  “Is your name Ben, or have I been sleeping with a complete stranger?” I spat, hurt hurtling through me as I looked at the man who’d become something special to me.

  His blue eyes locked with mine with the intensity of a thousand men. “You know my name is Ben. I’m still the same man.”

  “Well, I thought his name was Andy, so I’m sorry if I don’t believe you right now.” I blew out a breath, and tears began to gather.

  I turned to Drew. “What is going on? What business deal was he talking to? You tell me to stay away from him but you’re meeting him and doing god only knows what else. Why is an undercover cop working at our bar? Salt Lake?”

  My body suddenly felt too heavy for my legs to hold up. I walked to the couch, took a seat, and tugged my knees to my chest. Drew joined me, taking a seat on the coffee table in front of me, and to my left Ben hovered, his hand moved to the back of my neck, where he held on as if he thought I’d flee. Missy, Austin, and Carson stood behind Drew—Missy looking furious, Carson looked pissed off, and Austin wearing a mask of concern.

  “I don’t even know where to start,” Drew muttered, running his hand over his face and growling in frustration.

  “A story always starts at the beginning, so you might want to begin there.”

  He shot me a look, and I rolled my eyes.

  “Do you remember Jacqueline?”


  I shifted through my memories and the face of a stunning brunette with light blue eyes came to the forefront. A couple of years ago, she came through Monroe while she was in town she became a regular at Hamilton’s. Her and Drew became good friends—nothing sexual, just good friends. She took her vodka with Coke, told dirty jokes, and was the owner of the best leather jacked I’d ever seen.”

  “Yep. I liked her. I wonder where she is now.”

  Ben’s fingers dug into my neck, before he replied, “She’s in Salt Lake City. She was a cop.”

  Was?

  “Two years ago, Austin and I worked a case in Salt Lake with her. Jackie worked undercover as a dancer at a club O’Leary owned. He was selling drugs and women to whoever offered him the most money. Jackie’s job was to get close enough to him to get him to talk, but not too close. What no body knew was that while Jacquie was in Monroe, O’Leary had come to town. He recognized her as soon as she started working at his club. She went in under another name. He played her for a year, got her to do some fucked up shit, and then it all turned to shit. O’Leary decided that he didn’t like getting played, so he got a few of his men to make sure word got out of what would happen if he got played again, and Jackie was used as an example.”

  My stomach dropped, and I took a deep breath and braced. “Was she raped?”

  “Yeah, Babe. Repeatedly.” Austin answered in the softest tone I’d ever heard from him.

  “She was my cousin’s woman.” Ben admitted, and my heart clenched in pain.

  I looked up at Ben, a tear falling over my cheek brought on by the enormity of what they’d just told me. “Your cousin?”

  “Yeah, Sweetheart, so this is close to home for me. He fucked with my family, and he broke a beautiful, vibrant woman. That shit does not sit well with me. Now, he is messing with you, and that really does not sit well with me.”

  I looked at the three of them, but focused on Drew. “Why were you in Salt Lake? Why did you go with them?”

  “We went to say goodbye to Jackie.”

  “She is going into witness protection.”

  A beautiful woman who had the world at her feet had been destroyed because of Edward O’Leary? Anger spiked through me at the thought of what this man had done. He’d been classed as part of my family for so many years, yet he was capable of this? Bile rose in my throat as I tried to comprehend everything that I’d been told.

  “Why isn't he in jail? You know all this stuff about him, so why isn’t he locked up? He got a woman raped, and you said he sells women and drugs. Why isn’t that enough?” I cried out.

  “He doesn’t do the dirty work himself. He has men that do it, a crew around him, that doesn’t give a shit if they get killed in the process, or locked away. They are the ones that go down.”

  I looked at Missy, and she’d lost the color in her face. She was finding this as hard as me to hear. But what I needed to know was how Hamilton’s was involved with any of this.

  “And why is Andy—I mean, Carson working undercover at Hamilton’s? I don’t understand any of this.”

  “O’Leary started sniffing around Monroe a year ago,” Austin revealed, hostility in his voice and fire in his eyes. “Nine months ago, he set his sight on Hamilton’s. We knew it was him, because a woman reported she’d been offered money or drugs for sex from a man who introduced himself as Gale Edwards. He is O’Leary’s main man.”

  “What?” I gasped, disgust settling in my throat. “Why Hamilton’s? Our two families did everything together. He spent just as much time there as a teenager as we did. Even when we were kids it was always the four of us; Drew, Edward, Holly and I, then the three of us when Holly left for boarding school.”

  “We don’t know. That’s why I’m working there.” I looked at Andy my friend who had become Carson the stranger. “Shit will happen and then it will go quiet for weeks, even months, and then all of a sudden he is back on radar. It’s not constant. It’s like he is waiting for something, and that’s when he’ll make his move.”

  “Drugs had been sold there. Three women had been groomed. Then nothing. Carson is our eyes, and only Drew and now you and Missy know, and that’s how it has to stay. No one else can know. Not your friends, not your families, absolutely no one.” Ben warned, and I couldn’t formulate a single word. I was still stuck on the fact that drugs had been found and sold and that women were getting accosted for sex. “Sasha, do you understand what I’m saying?”

  I gasped for air. “Yes, yes. I just, I cant,”

  “We officially got involved six months ago,” Austin revealed. “Carson has been involved for longer. “Recently shit’s been happening when O’Leary isn’t in town. This is what he does. He distances himself before the big strike. So things have escalated.”

  This was too much to take in. I could feel everyone’s eyes burning into me, but I couldn’t look at any of them. I was disgusted that this was happening. I was hurt that I wasn’t trusted with this information. I was heartbroken for Jacqueline. This was something I should have been involved with from the beginning. But I wasn’t trusted. Why hadn’t I been told when Edward approached me? When he kissed me? When his fingerprints were found at Sass, when it was likely him that stole my personal details. Why was my safety not a priority?

  “So, why are you meeting with him, and why didn’t you tell me any of this?” I questioned, turning my attention to Drew. I had so many questions, but I didn’t know if we’d ever have enough time for me to ask everything I wanted. “Why didn’t you trust me with this? I own Hamilton’s just as much as you do. Is that why you wanted to buy me out? Because of this?”

  “I made Dad a promise to protect you.” Drew stated matter-of-factly, his voice firm. “My priority was keeping you protected from this shit, and buying you out was the only way I came up with that would redirect O’Leary’s attention from you. I had to make him think that you had little to nothing to do with the bar, and that our relationship had soured.”

  “I would have been able to handle this. I’ve been tearing my hair out trying to think what I’d done to make you push me away. I felt like I lost my brother. Drew, I was heartbroken, I thought I was to blame, but now you’re telling me it was all because of Edward O’Leary.” I whispered, my heart breaking yet being put back together at hearing what he’d done. “Why would you do this alone? You always said the Hamilton’s kids stuck together.”

  His broken smile hit me. “Sasha, I made a promise to Dad. I made a promise to you.”

  “But—”

  “Sasha, I do not break promises. Yeah, you finding out should have come from me, but I, we, still don’t have a fucking clue why he is doing this. He could have picked any bar in the country, but he chose Hamilton’s. He chose our bar. We don’t know who is working on the inside. He is circling, and when he lands, we’ve got to be ready. That’s why I wanted to keep you as far away from this as I could. I promised to protect you when you were fifteen, and I sure as hell do not break promises. Not to you. Not ever.”

  I shot off the couch, and moved to Ben. His tight expression softened slightly when I stepped up to him.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked, my voice thick with emotion as my heart began to splinter again as I looked at the man who I thought I meant something to. “You had so many opportunities to tell me. When we were in bed together? When you kept pursuing me? Our special Sunday. I met your mother Ben, does that not mean anything? But now I’m learning it was all a lie. How can I trust anything? How can I believe there aren’t more secrets?”

  He stepped forward and I took a step back. “Sweetheart—”

  “No, you don’t get to call me that anymore,” I shook my head in disbelief. “You all knew how freaked out I was when Edward approached me, how disgusted I was when he kissed me, how scared I was at the thought of him anywhere near Sass. But none of you thought that maybe I should know that there was a dangerous man circling, and that maybe I was in his sights?”

  “You had protection,
” Carson revealed, stepping into view and moving to stand beside Drew. “Nothing would happen to you. Once we knew—”

  “Reeves,” Austin warned, and I twisted to him and found him with a face of stone.

  I shook my head, my frustration growing. “What? When you knew what?”

  The four men all shared a tense look.

  “No more fucking secrets. Tell her.” Missy spat, before reaching for me and grabbing my hand in silent support. “I cannot believe what I am hearing, so just tell her everything. We’ll keep your secrets, but don’t keep anymore secrets from us.”

  “Fucking hell,” Austin muttered under his breath, while Ben became solid and the force of his stare on me electrified, and increased my anxiety.

  “We had to make sure you and Drew had no involvement of what was going on. We’d been watching O’Leary circling and when he landed at Hamilton’s, we need to make sure you two were clean. We starting digging and found out your families were tied. But once we knew, Drew came on board.”

  “What!” I screeched, my eyes shooting wide in disbelief. “You thought we were part of the drugs and the women?”

  “You two own Hamilton’s. You have a history with O’Leary. We had to be sure.” Carson confirmed.

  “Oh my god,” I whispered, as things started to fall into place. If they thought we were involved, if they had investigated us, then everything innocent moment since I met Ben wasn’t as innocent as I first thought. He already knew who I was. Was his story about knowing me since I was younger a lie too?

  I stepped away from the group, putting much needed distance between me and Ben and the truth came hurdling at me. “You got involved with me because of my surname. You fucked me because of Hamilton’s, because of the case! You thought I was involved. Was this another one of your undercover cases where you’d fuck the girl to get information? Were you lying when you said all that stuff to me about wanting to kiss me since you were nineteen? Every single thing was a lie.” Fury and hurt coursed through my body as I fought to keep in control. Ben started toward me and my hands shot up to stop him. My voice registered as a hiss. "Do not come near me."