by C. J. Duggan
Sean grabbed my hand. “Hey! Don’t you dare say you’re sorry, it wasn’t your fault.”
“But it was,” I said.
“You’d have to be blind not to know Toby liked you. It was me, I shouldn’t have crossed the line.”
I sighed. “Well, it hardly matters what his feelings were, anymore. It’s pretty clear what they are now.”
“He’ll come around,” Sean said, but he didn’t sound convinced.
“Before or after he moves away?”
“In his defense, he took the job way before you came around.”
“Is that why he broke up with Angela? Because he was moving away?”
Sean watched me for a long time, as if gauging whether or not I was serious.
I was deadly serious.
He stood, tossing a couple of ten dollar notes by our bill.
Was he going to answer?
After a second, Sean sighed. “It was you, Tess. He broke up with Ang because he was falling for you.” He patted my head and walked out the door.
Toby had broken up with Angela to be with me. I felt worse than ever.
Two weeks. Nothing.
It was over. It was really over. I had surpassed the tears, the anxiety attacks and churned it into resignation. Though it had felt like so much more at the time, I had had my first summer fling. Toby would go to his new job, I would go back to school and normal life would start all over again.
I searched desperately for a silver lining; if Toby moved away I wouldn’t be forced to see him with someone else, and if he wasn’t around, I would find it easier to get over him.
Ellie even offered her own words of wisdom: “I think the fact that he took it so badly is a real testament to how much he liked you.”
I curved a sceptical brow. “Grasping at straws much?”
I dragged my raggedy soul through Christmas, offering forced, half-hearted smiles and false cheer over the festive season. Work at the café and hotel was extra difficult. I was forced to be pleasant as I served the never-ending mass of customers. I’d sucked it up as much as I could, though, because I could sense Mum and Dad catching on to my despair.
I’d almost convinced myself that I would be okay as long as I could fake it. But then Ellie and Adam’s parents came over for a BBQ; the forceful smiles and laughter was exhausting.
Adam perched himself on the island bench while I washed dishes in the kitchen.
There was a sense of great unease between us. It was all me. I couldn’t let my guard down; I was afraid of letting down that barrier, of exposing my soft underbelly I fought so hard to keep hidden. I was tired, so tired of the way my insides ached.
I felt Ellie press beside me as she took the plate and washcloth from me.
“I don’t think you can get that any cleaner, you know. You’ve been washing it for the past ten minutes.” She smiled at me with that sad, sympathetic smile.
I flicked a bashful gaze at Adam who was looking at me as if waiting for me to crumble at any moment.
Ellie took over the dishes. She seemed nervous. Maybe it was me; things were strained between the three of us lately, and I knew it was my fault.
Adam sighed. “Just tell her, Ellie.”
My head shot around to face her, suddenly alert.
“What? Tell me what?” I said, my eyes darting from Adam to Ellie and back again. “What are you talking about?”
Ellie placed the dish in the drainer and faced me as she dried her hands.
“They’re having a farewell party for Toby tomorrow night.”
She swallowed deeply, her eyes flicked nervously to Adam. “It’s at Stan’s shed, so you don’t have to worry about running into him at the hotel …” She broke off.
“But we’re not going, right, Ellie?” Adam added.
Ellie shook her head violently. “Of course not.”
My sweet, foolish friends. I smiled sadly out through the kitchen window. It was blindingly bright outside, a beautiful, sunny day. The blue sky blurred in my vision. I shifted and anchored myself to clasp the sink and avoid my friends’ pity. My tear-filled gaze rested on the towering Ghost gum near our driveway, where it cast a shadow over our sunburnt lawn.
I remembered the day we stood on the front lawn, the same kind of sunny afternoon when Toby gave me a lift home from Horseshoe Bend. So many times I wanted to step over that line, not thinking how it could change everything, alter our newly formed friendship; if only I hadn’t made that stupid bet, what would have happened then? Toby and I would be speaking, Sean and Toby would still be best mates. I would probably be going to Stan’s tomorrow night to say goodbye to him, to wish him a happy life. Knowing what I did now, would I have changed a thing? Would I have taken back the feel of his hands on my skin? The linger of his soft lips on mine, the way he could bring me undone in ways I had never known I could feel?
No. I wouldn’t change a thing. I couldn’t regret what we had, our days in the sun, our nights in each other’s arms, I could never regret or give those memories up. And that was what they were now – just memories.
It was truly the end. As if the knowledge slammed into me, my guard shattered and I cupped my face into my hands, sobbing with such force my entire body shook. I felt the circling of a pair of arms and then another, stroking my hair, my back. Adam and Ellie were there when I fell, like always. Ellie rubbed my back and cried with me, Adam pressed his lips to my temple and hushed me with words of comfort.
It was over; with a bone-jarring certainty, I finally accepted it was over.
***
The next day was a Friday night, the night of the party for Toby, and Adam and Ellie took me out for dinner. Though they didn’t say as much, I knew it was to cheer me up. I could, of course, think of other places to eat than the Onslow, but Adam was keen to play pool and listen to some tunes, so who was I to rain on his parade? After my breakdown yesterday, I wanted to redeem myself by ending the awkwardness that existed between me, Ellie and Adam. The summer hadn’t exactly gone as planned, so tonight was more about recapturing the essence of our friendships, and less about my misery.
Just make it through one more night of faking it, I told myself. It would get easier, surely?
I asked Mum to drop me off right out the front of the Onslow.
What did I care if my parents gave me a lift? My days of making grand entrances and tracking up that bloody hill were over. A lot of things were over.
Adam was sitting at the picnic table out the front when we pulled up, watching Ellie pace back and forth in front of him. As I neared, my movement caught their attention. I flashed them my best smile. I could do this. It would be fine. My smile slowly evaporated as I took in their anxious eyes that darted to each other, then both at me.
“Ah, Tess,” Ellie said, “you’re here.” She stopped pacing, but still wrung her hands anxiously. “How about we go get some Chinese at the Golden Dragon?” She walked briskly towards me. Adam stood, nodding his head as if it was the greatest idea in the world.
“Chinese? But what about playing pool?” I turned to Adam.
“Yeah, well, you know, with my history I should probably steer clear of pool tables.” Adam linked his arm with mine and led me towards Coronary Hill, Ellie scurrying along behind. Was I being frog marched down the hill?
“What’s wrong with …” I stopped dead in my tracks, and Ellie slammed into me from my sudden stop.
Toby’s ute was in the car park, along with Ringer’s, Amanda’s … everyone was here. How had I not seen them?
“I thought you said Toby’s farewell party was at Stan’s tonight.”
“Yes, well, it seems tradition dictates that they have a few here, before heading to the party.” Ellie grimaced.
Of course it did.
“I’m sorry, Tess, we honestly didn’t think they’d be here.” Adam touched my shoulder. “Come on, let’s go.”
“No!” I said. “I’m not leaving. I came here to have dinner and play pool, why should I leave just because o
f him?”
From the looks on their faces, Ellie and Adam thought I was out of my mind; they probably thought I was on the brink of another hysterical breakdown like last night. I cringed at the memory.
“Tess, do you really think that’s such a good idea?” Ellie asked.
I rolled my eyes. “They don’t own the place. Besides, we’re all mature adults. We can be in the same building.”
“But the same room?” Ellie said, biting her bottom lip.
“You sure?” Adam asked, like he wasn’t buying my bravado for one second.
“I’m sure!” I spun around and stomped back towards the Onslow. As I closed the distance, as coming face to face with Toby again became an impending reality, I lost all my nerve. I was so completely and utterly unsure. My heart raced so fast I could feel the deepening thrums pulsing in my ears. What the hell was I doing? Was I crazy?
I took a deep, shaky breath as my hand splayed against the front door, ready to press it open with that familiar screech. I paused outside, staring at the timber, the only thing that separated me from the inside – from Toby.
“Tess?” Adam’s voice pressed against my right ear, I could feel his hand on my shoulder. “We don’t have to …” And before Adam finished his sentence, I pushed the door open, flooding the main bar with sunlight.
Chapter Forty-Four
Distant laughter filtered through the thin walls of the poolroom into the restaurant.
The bass beat of the jukebox thumped loudly, disturbing the calming musical stylings of Enya that played from the speakers where we sat in the dining room.
Adam quirked a brow over his menu. “Enya? Seriously? Oh, Uncle Eric, I’m appalled.”
I shrugged. “Blame your Aunty Claire.”
Adam raised a sceptical brow. “Aunty Claire is never here.”
All our gazes turned from our menus towards the bar where Uncle Eric stood whistling animatedly while he brewed a coffee. Adam shook his head. “And here I thought Uncle Eric was more of an AC/DC fan, but Enya?”
We cast knowing smiles at one another as our eyes flicked back to our menus. An old familiarity settled over us. The same effortless, friendly banter flowed like it did before the summer had begun, before Adam was sent away, before everything turned to shit. Well, mostly everything.
“So are you going to see Stan tonight?” I asked Ellie as I poured a glass of water from the carafe.
The simple enough question seemed to unease Ellie. “Ah, no, not tonight. Tonight is our night.”
It was meant to be a touching sentiment, but I could tell there was no conviction behind the statement. Though she tried to disguise it, she was disappointed she wouldn’t be seeing Stan, which was stupid because he was only a room away in the poolroom. All through dinner, I tried not to think about the fact that Toby was in there, so agonisingly close. When we’d walked through the front door, none of us glanced over there. I didn’t even know if Toby knew I was in the building. We had simply veered sharply right and headed for the restaurant.
I looked at my two best friends: Ellie desperate to see Stan and Adam pining every time he heard the crack of the cue against the billiard balls. Instead of me faking it tonight, they were faking it, as well. They were putting on brave faces to cheer me up, to make it all about me, courtesy of my Toby-fuelled mini breakdown. They were such good friends. The best.
Enough was enough. I was a good friend, too. If I couldn’t suck it up for one night, perhaps the last night I would ever be in the same room with Toby again, then I was just a coward and a shitty friend, too.
I pushed my chair back and stood up. “Let’s go.”
Adam frowned. “Where to?”
“I’m going to kick your arse on the pool table.”
A wicked grin formed across Adam’s face as he turned to eye Ellie. She straightened in her seat.
Adam nodded his approval. “That a girl.”
We left our table and rounded the corner to the poolroom. Okay, no biggie, I could do this. They didn’t own the place and besides, they were probably gone, on their way to the party at Stan’s by now and the poolroom would be ours for the taking.
Oh fuck.
The Onslow Boys were very much in the poolroom, ever present. Sean, Stan and Ringer stood around the pool table, cues in their hands. Toby stood alone, flipping through the song selections at the jukebox.
He looked good.
It had been two whole weeks, yet my traitorous heart still skipped a beat. The very sight of him turned my thoughts into mush, and my body into a heightened state of long-suffering desire. I tried to remind myself that what I now suffered was what I had always known – unrequited love from afar. But it was just that much harder, having had it and lost.
When Toby saw me, there was no surprise, no emotion at all. It was as if he saw straight through me.
This was a bad idea.
The other Onslow Boys were their usual jovial, easygoing selves. Stan’s eyes lit up as soon as he spotted Ellie; ditching his pool cue, he made his way over, pulling her into a big bear hug. Ringer shook Adam’s hand, and they started up their own conversation. But I was distracted as one song ended and a new one began: Marvin Gaye’s, ‘Heard it Through the Grapevine’.
Smart arse.
I watched as Toby turned back around to the jukebox and flicked through to select another song.
The atmosphere in the room was tense. Usually Sean would make fun of someone, we’d all have a laugh and it would be over. But not tonight. Sean raised his eyebrows in my direction when the song started up, but aside from that tiny gesture, he focused on his conversation with Ringer and Adam on pool tactics. Sean restricted himself to banter with his mates rather than be too openly friendly to me like he would have in the past. Much like the summer holidays, everything I had known with the Onslow Boys was drawing to an end; in a few weeks, I would be back at school and my part-time work at the Onslow would be over.
The sudden realisation hit me; this was it. This would be the last time I saw Toby, this would be the last time we’d all be together like this at the Onslow.
And we were going to let it end like this?
The tension between Sean and Toby, too, was obvious as they cast each other wary glances. I wanted more than anything for things to be the way they were again. I was just a girl. I seriously wasn’t worth ending their friendship; they had to know that, right?
All I knew was I had nothing to lose, because I had already lost him.
I strode across the poolroom, past the boys, straight to Toby. Beyond my better judgment and all the courage I had mustered up, I stood before him and stared him straight in the eye. There was a flicker of surprise and a new tension swept over us.
“So this is how it’s going to be?” he asked. “A showdown, here in front of everyone?”
My shoulders involuntarily slumped at his question. “Is that what you think I’d do? Humiliate you, like some screaming banshee?”
He looked at me pointedly, and then I remembered Angela Vickers, the worst screaming banshee of them all.
To be honest, that kind of pissed me off. Not the screaming banshee type of pissed, but to lump me in with Angela? I was the pretty fucking insulted type of pissed.
I sighed heavily. “I just wanted to say goodbye, that’s all.
And …” oh God, this was so hard, “and good luck!”
The tension in Toby’s shoulders melted, his eyes darting across my face suspiciously, warily, like he was waiting for the vindictive punchline. I met his gaze full on, and a familiar song filled the speakers. Live’s ‘Lightning Crashes’. It was the very same song that played the night of the first disco behind the velvet curtain. What was he playing at?
I swallowed hard. “I haven’t had the chance to talk to you …”
Okay, Tess, keep it together.
“… And I just wanted to say thank you.”
His frown deepened. “Thank you?”
Oh God, I was lame …
I glanced
around, embarrassed, I edged to the corner of the room for some semblance of privacy; Toby moved with me.
It took all my strength to meet his eyes. “For a brief moment, you made me believe that I was a somebody, that, above all, I wasn’t like the other girls. And I’m not.” I stepped forward, so he could hear me over the music. “I know it really doesn’t seem that way. And it kills me that I let you down, that I did something so stupid because I jumped to the wrong conclusion. I don’t want you thinking I am anything other than who I am, who you got to know this summer.”
Toby was so still, so unmoving, if it wasn’t for the flex of his jaw muscles I would swear he had turned to stone.
“But you have to know, I’m really sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about Sean, but there would be days of not even seeing you, of not knowing if what was happening with us was serious. I had no idea of knowing. When I saw her car in your driveway, I thought that you and her …” I bit my lip, the memory of that horrible, regret-filled night flooded back to me. “If you don’t understand how sorry I am that I hurt you, that I never would have done it intentionally, if you don’t get that, then you don’t get me.”
I couldn’t look at him anymore; I knew my eyes were a window straight into my heartbroken soul. But he was so silent, I thought maybe he hadn’t heard what I’d said at all. I couldn’t say it again. I couldn’t …
And then he spoke. His voice was low and raspy. “I get you.”
I looked up at him in surprise.
“The thing is, Tess, if you think I would be with you one night, and then go back to Angela …” He shook his head. “Then you don’t get me.”
We stared at one another for the longest time. I guess we didn’t really know each other. I finally broke away, knowing it would be the last time I would see Toby. My heart threatened to break at the thought.
“Well, it doesn’t matter anymore, does it?”
“I guess not.” Toby said coldly. It was as if a knife was twisting in the pit of my stomach.
“Bye, Toby.” Before I realised it, I’d held out my hand. I cursed myself as it hung between us. I had never felt like such a loser than in that moment.