Barely Human

by Dhtreichler

  “As I remember you and Tom had been living together for a while before you got married,” I recall aloud. “He had to see the real you and yet he married you.”

  “He did. But what you didn’t see at the wedding is that he got cold feet and almost called the whole thing off. Bryan, his best man had to calm him down. He was stoned for the ceremony and I was furious, but also glad that Bryan convinced him I was worth it.”

  “Sounds like you should have married Bryan. What was it with him? He was always there in college. Whenever we went out. Didn’t you see him for a while? Before Tom. What happened there?”

  Windy takes a big sip this time, puts the glass down on the table. “Bryan was great. I think he was in love with you and only went out with me because you didn’t seem to know he was alive.”

  I should be having guilt feelings at this moment. At least that’s what I remember about such situations. Okay, why should I feel guilty? Because I was oblivious to guys in college even though I slept with more than my share. Never a relationship. Just something to do since everyone else was doing it. But I was emotionally shut down in college. Rocky was scared to death I was going to come home pregnant and drop out of school. He never said anything, but the questions he would ask were clear indicators. And amazingly enough I never got pregnant, even though I didn’t take any precautions. That was the guy’s responsibility. You want to fuck me, there better be a condom between us. How many times did I say those exact words? “Bryan never asked me out. So why do you think he was in love with me?”

  “You never went out with a guy.” Windy reminds me. “You’d just come to the parties by yourself and hang with whoever was there. Generally, it was the five of us and a bunch of others who came and went. But Bryan was at most of them as I remember. Always by himself, just like you. Hanging and getting high. It suited him. I think it was like you described Delilah. You can see it in her, but you are totally unaware of the effect you have on guys.”

  “Effect?” I’m not certain I understand what Windy is trying to tell me.

  “Look at you. If I had to find only one word to describe you it would be… hmmm … formidable.”

  I shake my head, “That’s not me.”

  “That’s not how you see yourself, but that’s exactly how others see you.”

  She hits me with facts I’ve not considered until now. I’m listening to the conversation we’ve been having. The Windy I see is not the Windy she has been describing. “I see you as having it all, at least I did until now. I had no idea things were so difficult for you at home. Why didn’t you tell me about how you were feeling and how you were dealing with the situation? I want to help. You’re absolutely my best friend in the whole world. I don’t want to see you hurting like this. Trying to navigate your family between feelings of abandonment and a desire to roam free like their father. What can I do to help you?”

  “You’ve had your own issues to deal with.”

  “And you were there when I transitioned.” I shoot back. “You were the only one who knew. I brought you in when I was in crisis. I’m just sorry you didn’t feel you could bring me in to help you in yours.”

  “You and the others. You’re just such strong women. You all work so hard to be absolutely the best at what you do. I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t strong like you.”

  “But you are strong. Look at what you’ve been dealing with for more than a decade. Only a strong woman could have kept it together like you have for so long.”

  Windy finishes her glass of wine and indicates to the waiter that she’d like another. Guess we aren’t done yet. “Let’s talk about something else. How are you doing?”

  “Every day is a struggle,” is all I can think to say, not sure if she wants to talk about A’zam or not.

  “Are you upset with me for sleeping with A’zam?” she finally comes to the reason for the second glass of wine, which arrives now and is placed before her. She looks at it, but doesn’t pick it up, waiting for my response.

  “Now that I have a better understanding of what you’re going through. Have you slept with anyone else before? Were you as active as Tom?”

  Windy reaches for the glass. Apparently, she was waiting for this question. “A few times. I was trying to get his attention more than anything. None of them were more than a single night and I regretted it each time. The sex was never good. Rushed. Guilty. Unfamiliar with what turned him on and in most cases the guy could care less about whether it was good for me.”

  “And then A’zam filled you up and carried you across.”

  Windy blushes with me quoting her. “He did.”

  “You met him where?”

  “Charity event. We ended up going outside for fresh air at the same time. He noticed that Tom was trying to pick up some young girl and he asked me what I was going to do about it. On an impulse I said that I would go home with him and fuck his brains out. I was mad, embarrassed, ashamed to be there with Tom, and also slightly inebriated.”

  “Have you seen A’zam since?” Playing the detective to get to the important piece of information I don’t think she has.

  “We’ve talked a few times, but have we been together since? No.”

  “Great sex. You’re about to kick your husband out of your house. So, is this a casual relationship or are you looking for more? I’ve known A’zam for a long time. He’s not unmarried for no reason.”

  “I thought you were going to give me this speech the other night when we were all together, but you didn’t. Why?”

  “You weren’t ready to hear it then. I’m still not sure you’re ready.”

  “Ready for what? I’m a big girl, Sage. I don’t know what you’re trying to protect me from, but I’m not about to walk into a situation I can’t handle, again.”

  “What if I told you A’zam is like me? An immortal. That’s why the sex was so good.”

  Windy is bringing the wine glass to her mouth, but she stops part way. “Immortal?”

  “We need to talk about where you fit in his plans before you make yours.”

  ORIANA’S COMPLAINT

  Oriana comes by my office shortly after I return from my extended discussion with Windy, who went on to a third glass of wine before we finished. I put her in a Googlecar and sent her home as I knew she was in no condition to drive herself, even though she insisted until I took her keys away. I gave her house key back as she was convinced if she showed up without it Tom would never let her in.

  It’s hard to know what to do to help Windy. I remember feelings I should have about the situation. I’m trying to act as I think I would have before I transitioned. But it is so hard to know what I should do since I don’t feel anything. I’m still mulling Windy, who was kind of freaked about A’zam being an immortal. She kept coming back to that.

  “I know you’re real busy, but do you have a minute for me?” Oriana asks from my office doorway.

  “Always, and more than one if you need it.” I smile to hopefully put her at ease.

  “Why did you change your mind?” Oriana asks timidly, as if she really doesn’t want to ask this question.

  “About?”

  “The teams.” She’s confused. “You said that everyone who transitions first gets their own team. But everyone who went through with Jermaine is now just a coder. What happened? Why did you change your mind after you convinced them to transition expecting one thing and now no, that’s not what you’re going to be?”

  I sense Oriana is not here to discuss the teams but her own transition. “They will get their teams. Just not right now. We have a problem I’ve asked them to address. When more have transitioned, then we will move people to pick up their new teams.”

  “But that won’t be for a while. I heard no one is transitioning this week. What happened?”

  “Dr. Woodall is transitioning his own team this week.”

  Oriana thinks about that for a moment, “His own team? So, the docs who transition us are all going to be immortals, not regular doc
s.”

  “Think about it. If all his docs are immortal and they can work much faster, he can transition more people in the same time. He has a huge waiting list. He’s just doing what we would do on our own production line to increase production if demand is there.”

  “Do we really need everyone to be immortal?” Oriana asks. This is the heart of her question.

  “Why don’t you sit down? This is going to take more than a few minutes.”

  Oriana acts on my request and sits down across from my desk. “I don’t know what to think. I look at Jermaine’s team. I used to be able to run circles around all of them together. And now…”

  “And now what?”

  “They treat me like I’m inferior, that I can’t possibly do what they do.”

  “Do they speed up their conversations so you can’t keep up?” I wonder what’s going on.

  “It’s their way of excluding me.”

  I hadn’t foreseen this side effect of my decision to enable the team. I only looked at it from the perspective of an immortal, not the mortals who still have to work with them. “I hear you. I can see why you would think their behavior is aimed at you, but let me assure you it isn’t.”

  “It’s deliberate. They taunt me, tell me to keep up or go away.”

  I have to talk with Jermaine. I can’t let them behave this way or I’ll have to isolate the team, but I can’t do that. I’ll have so many teams coming through in the next few weeks that I’ll have no place to house them that’s away from the rest of the employees. I don’t like that term, employees. I like to think of everyone who works at AppleCore as part of the team, but I have to differentiate between Jermaine’s team and the next teams and the rest of the company. The haves and the have nots. I have to figure out how I’m going to manage the integration. I just hadn’t considered the kind of behavior Oriana is describing, but then again, we’re transitioning people who are much earlier in their careers here. That implies a different maturity level. I need to go spend some time down there and convey my expectations. Maybe that will help.

  “I’ll have a talk with them.”

  “Talking is fine, but they won’t include me, work with me, or let me be part of the team.”

  “You’re not part of the team. You’re the SVP of software. They report to you, actually through Jermaine to you. I know I used to spend a lot of time with the teams, listening to them, trying to figure out what wasn’t in the reports. But the situation was reversed. I was the one who was much faster than you. You were trying to keep up with me.”

  “Are you saying I have to transition to be able to get their respect?”

  “Respect is earned. It’s not occupying a position.”

  Oriana is silent for a long moment. She shakes her head and rises, looking at the door but not ready to leave. “I can’t come running to you every time someone gets impatient with me because I don’t run at your clock speed.”

  “Can you help me with a dilemma I have? Maybe it will help you put some of this into perspective.”

  Oriana glances back at the seat, but doesn’t move to sit. “I’m listening.”

  “Think for a moment about what you would do if you no longer had any constraints on your behavior.”

  “Is that a question?” Oriana is confused, and I worded my question poorly. Start over.

  “Okay, what would you do?”

  “Run naked through the streets? Stay up all night watching porn? Eat all those things I always see as just fattening, even though they taste good? I don’t know. Why?”

  “Being part of our society puts restraints on your behavior for the common good.” I postulate.

  “Yes, I follow that.”

  “Is being part of society what makes us human?”

  “Being human was an evolutionary process. It evolved over millions of years, didn’t it?”

  “I agree with that, but I’m trying to understand what makes us human? Is it the binds of society, or is it based on our biology? Do feelings make us human, caring for others, having relationships, loving someone else? Where does family fit into the equation? I’m trying to figure this all out.”

  “Because?”

  “Because once there are a whole lot of us, the ties that bind will break down.”

  “Is that what I’m seeing?” Oriana puts two and two together. “The ties breaking down. The disrespect of a second-class citizen?”

  “I don’t know, but I’m worried about how I instill humanity into someone who is no longer able to guide their behavior through feelings and relationships and expectations. We are all afraid of dying. When it was imminent for me I sure was. Drove me to taking extreme chances. But when the fear of dying is gone, what restrains your behavior?”

  “Different question.” Oriana notes. “What would I do if I was going to live forever? Invest in the stock market and let it ride? That’s a hard question. I really don’t know.”

  “I don’t either and I am going to live forever. But I’m afraid. Afraid that those who are coming over will lose their humanity. Only I don’t know what it is, humanity. I can’t define it. I can’t say these three things are what make us human. I’ve been trying to identify what needs to be put in place, so immortals don’t lose their sense of the rest of the world. Begin to operate apart from it. Change such that their humanity is unrecognizable to everyone who is not immortal.”

  “You’re really wrestling with some difficult questions,” Oriana comes to realize.

  “And I need help, because I’m not coming up with satisfactory answers, even though I’ve been thinking about this for a month now.”

  Oriana smiles, “Doesn’t sound so long until you realize you’ve been going at it 24 x 7 with a little time spent on AppleCore business.”

  “Would you give it some thought? I need as much input on this as I can get.”

  Oriana seems to brighten, realizing that I still value her intelligence and insights even if she isn’t an immortal. “Why are you willing to slow down for me?”

  “Because I value you as a person, what you bring to every discussion, and the insights. You often have insights the rest of us don’t. And we only get to good decisions when we have a range of inputs, thoughts and recommendations. We need to weigh them against each other and collectively decide how we progress. And the immortals aren’t going to have any better insights until they get comfortable processing huge amounts of data.”

  “So, you’re telling me I need to transition because at some point no one is going to slow down for me.”

  “What have you seen when you talk with the members of Jermaine’s team? Are they fully up to speed or are they struggling with the changes?”

  “I’d say they’re struggling. Even Jermaine. But you know him. He always finds a way even if things are falling apart around him.”

  “How are they struggling?”

  “It’s like everyone is trying to show up the others.” Oriana reflects. “No one wants to accept what another has found. Thinks they’re smarter or faster or whatever. It’s like they’re trying to prove they’re better than the other immortals. And if a mortal shows up, well, it’s time to party. Demonstrate how much better they have now become.”

  “And you’re a prime target, because you were the one who would always call bullshit when someone hadn’t done the math, or the homework, or really dig for a solution.”

  Oriana seems to see the truth to that statement with a grimace.

  “So, when are you going to make your decision about transitioning? The week is almost up.”

  Oriana finally sits down because we have come around to her. “On Friday.”

  “Why the last day under my deadline? You must have some idea of what you’re going to do.”

  Oriana looks past me to the Japanese Garden beyond. “You’ve just made the decision harder with the little task you asked me to help you with.”

  “No, I haven’t. I’ve shown you the issues are being identified and dealt with to make the transition as
friendly as possible. And those that aren’t right now will be right as more and more of us face the issues and work them together.”

  “But what if they don’t turn out as you want them to?” Oriana asks. “You’re only one person.”

  “I expect there will be differences of opinion. You put any two people into a box and ask each one how they get out, there will be a difference of opinion.”

  “And if I transition I’ll be part of that conversation?”

  I shake my head, “That will depend on you and what you decide to do. If being part of the conversation is important to you, I’m sure you will find a way to join it. That’s been your history. At the moment Immortals are such a new phenomenon there are no rules, there are no interested parties, there is no definition about how we will decide what our existence will be like.”

  “But you’re pushing that it be much like what we’ve known.”

  “To humanize it as much as possible, yes.”

  “Who would oppose that?”

  How do I answer this question? Do I tell her the truth that A’zam has a very different perspective of what immortals should be? Even though I’m trying to figure out a means of taking us in a more humane direction. Only a fool would bet against A’zam. He always gets what he wants. Including me. And Windy. I must have known when he transitioned that he would have me at some point. Was that just a logical deduction my mind performed, or did it rely on fuzzy logic, the kind of deduction that is not linear? Mortals have been unable to follow machine learning solutions completely. How the machine learns is not linear and not easily followed. Is it a logic leap? How does the machine learn to do things that are not intuitively obvious to people who have programmed the machine? I rely on that machine learning now, accept what it tells me, and yet I don’t know or in most cases care how it got the answer it presents me as long as I can validate the conclusion is accurate. But all this is a long way to answer Oriana. Who would oppose humanity?