Driving With the Top Down

by Beth Harbison

  Colleen listened and then looked thoughtful. “Why is everything different now?”

  “Because Vince is a scumbag—”

  “Vince was always a scumbag.”

  “Okay, truth, but I didn’t know it.”

  “Did you really not? When he took that video, had you trusted him completely, and he broke that trust?”

  “No. I was always afraid he would do something like this. Or. Exactly this.”

  “Did you trust him with other girls?”

  Tamara thought of her immediate instincts on the redhead. “No.”

  “Okay, so as far as Vince is concerned, it’s not like your life has been turned upside down. You just finally got to see the whole picture. Like that game where you see only one-eighth of a photo, and you try to guess what it is. Now you see.” She paused. “Turned out the picture was of a dick.”

  Tamara actually gasped. “Oh my god!”

  “Sorry, that wasn’t appropriate.” But Colleen looked pleased with herself.

  “Seriously, don’t apologize—that was hilarious. And true—”

  “Okay, so what else is so different from when you left?”

  “I guess … I don’t have any desire to smoke or do anything like that. That night was so bad—sorry again—that I can’t even imagine wanting to feel anything close to that ever again.”

  “So that’s good.”

  “I know. And I don’t feel like going to parties. I don’t like anyone I know.” That might not be entirely true. “Well, I did like one guy kind of.”

  “Oh yeah? Who?”

  “This guy Conor. I’ve known of him for a while, but I never met him until right before I left. He’s actually the one who told me about the video. Someone had sent it to him. He doesn’t seem to want to talk to me now. And I get why.”

  Colleen shrugged. “The thing is, Tamara, this is what a parent can’t do for you. We can’t punish you for something like this video.” She heard herself say “we” like she was the parent, but she didn’t correct herself. It felt right. “It is the punishment. You know it wasn’t something you should have let happen. Now you have learned the real-world result of your actions. I’m sorry, really, so sorry that you have to live knowing it’s out there. Why didn’t you stop Vince?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Sure you do.”

  “No, really I don’t.”

  “You were afraid of something, or you wouldn’t have let him do it. It obviously wasn’t because you trusted him or because you didn’t care.”

  “No.” When Colleen didn’t go on, it became clear she wasn’t going to speak again until Tamara did. “Okay, I guess I kind of live in a weird fear of upsetting people. I would always rather pay the price and be uncomfortable rather than make someone else uncomfortable.”

  “And? Are you glad now that you’re paying the price instead of temporarily pissing off this creep Vince?”

  “No, of course not.” She thought. “No. Definitely not.”

  Colleen nodded. “I’m sorry, honey, but that’s a life lesson learned. All you can do is look at this like that. Yes, it sucks. It’s embarrassing. And, yeah, it’s gross. But now rise above it. Look back on that as a person you once were. All of it, Tam. When you get home, you don’t have to feel like the same girl trying to fit into old shoes that don’t fit anymore. You can look back on that with a wiser eye and a roll of the eyes now. That lesson is learned.”

  Tamara pictured it: Her, at her best. Pretty, clean, her natural best, alert and never altered. Confident and smart. No longer looked at like a hood rat. Like some kind of an Audrey Hepburn or something.

  “That would be cool,” she said.

  “It will be. Seriously. We have all made mistakes.”

  “This is all pretty grimy, though.”

  “Yep, not going to deny that, chickadee. But it’s over. It happened already. You know that’s not going to change.”

  “Right. But still, so now I go home, and the only way to avoid all of it is to pull away from it all. To not talk to anyone I used to talk to. Which I can do—I’m not saying I’ll miss it or be tempted back into anything. I’m just saying it’s gonna suck. I’ll only be able to spend time at home, especially since my dad freaks if I do anything. I can’t even get permission to go to Starbucks and read a book or something at this point, because for one thing, he doesn’t trust me. For another thing, that’s how it all started. He didn’t let me do anything at all, so eventually I didn’t just do what I was allowed to because that was nothing. So I lied and did everything.”

  Colleen took in a deep breath. “Right.”

  “So I’ll just hang out in my ugly stupid room. He doesn’t even pay for Internet, Colleen. I can’t even watch shows or anything. I’ll become so hopelessly bored. That was always the problem. I might not have liked what I was doing, but at least it was something. And weed or getting wasted made time pass more quickly.”

  “I can’t really tell you how to avoid that. That is something of a crap situation.”

  “Yyyyup.” Tamara looked back out the window, her momentary hopefulness squashed back down a little.

  “I’m sure you’ll figure something out,” said Colleen.

  “Me too.”

  It was sometime later that they stopped at another rest stop. Colleen always had to pee, but on her way out, she stopped and took out her phone. In the distance, Tam could hear her saying her name, and mentioning taking her home. She was probably telling her husband how desperate she was to get rid of the loser, take her home, drop her off, and never have to deal with her again.

  He probably owed her big-time for this.

  Tamara turned on her phone, hesitated, then went to the amateur porn site. After a moment, she clicked over to “her video.” Ugh. She didn’t want to watch it. She scrolled down quickly so she wasn’t looking at her messed-up face and started looking at the comments. Facing the music, kind of. To see just how bad it was going to be to return to all those same people.

  The first few comments she’d seen before. Congratulations to Vince from his lame buddies, virtually high-fiving him.

  But then she saw: Wow, you’re a creep!

  And: Good luck ever getting another girlfriend, slime ball.

  Why R U showing the world you have a tiny dick?

  Tamara read on, surprised and increasingly bolstered at how thoroughly the video had backfired on Vince. It was awesome. It didn’t lessen the humiliation for her, of course, but it made her feel better that he was being totally slammed for it publicly.

  As he should be.

  Maybe he’d see the comments and be humiliated enough to take the video down. Was that too much to hope for?

  Okay, say he didn’t. She still needed to own what she’d done. She needed to get past it, or make people think she had; she had to own it.

  She went to her messaging icon and pulled up Conor. Why not? She asked herself. What’s the worst he can do? Ignore me? That was about it. If he ignored her, she’d never know for sure what that meant, but it wasn’t the worst thing that could happen.

  Hey, she wrote. Trip’s almost over. What’s going on back home? She paused, then took a chance: Did the academy call about my award? She took a deep breath and watched the phone for a moment. Nothing. No ellipsis, no answer.

  There could be a million reasons for that. It wasn’t worth sweating it now. She put the phone aside and waited for Colleen.

  When Colleen got back in the car, she had a strange expression on her face.

  “What’s wrong?” Tam asked, instantly thinking of weird scenarios in which her text was such a colossal mistake that her dad had received a cease-and-desist letter in the past five minutes and told Colleen.

  “Nothing.” Colleen turned down the corners of her mouth and shook her head, then started the car, put it in gear, and started rounding the back of the building. She drove onto the exit and pulled smoothly onto the highway before taking a breath, starting to say something, then stopping.
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br />   Tamara’s nerves thrummed. Was she in trouble? Had Colleen told her dad what had happened, and was she heading home to a firing squad or maybe a dungeon?

  “Tam,” she said at last.

  “What?” Tam answered too fast.

  “I have a proposal for you, but I want you to think about it carefully before answering, okay?”

  What could this mean? Nerves fluttered in Tam’s stomach. “Go on.”

  “Your uncle Kevin and I were wondering if, by any chance, you might be interested in coming and staying with us for a while.”

  “Staying with you.”

  “Mm-hm.” Colleen nodded.

  She didn’t understand. “What, you mean, like, tonight?”

  Colleen glanced at her and smiled. “No, I mean maybe finish high school with us.”

  Silence.

  Was this true?

  “Are you serious?” Tam asked.

  “Very.”

  “Did my dad say this was okay?” She believed he’d want to scrape her off, but this would be such an admission of defeat, she couldn’t imagine he’d give permission for it. Her heart was racing with possibility. She didn’t want to sound too eager.

  “He did,” Colleen said. “And not because he doesn’t want you—so don’t even go there. He has a lot of travel for work coming up in the next year, and he needs to be sure you’re safe and sound.”

  He didn’t want her. She knew that. She couldn’t even take it personally, because he had not wanted her before he ever knew her. “What about Jay? Wouldn’t he be pissed if someone else moved in?”

  Colleen smiled. “Trust me, he needs a sister to torture him. I’d pay you to whip him into shape.”

  Tamara kneaded her hands in her lap. “Do I have to think about this?”

  Colleen’s face fell. “I guess not.”

  “Because the answer is yes. Absolutely. Yes, yes, yes. I don’t have to think for one second about this.”

  Oh great, more tears were gracing her Maybelline mascara’d eyelashes.

  Colleen smiled, then smiled broader. “You’re sure?”

  “Are you?”

  “Never more sure of anything. We’ll have a blast.”

  Tam tried to catch her breath. “I can’t even believe this—”

  “Okay, so now that we’ve got that piece of business out of the way, here are the rules: No smoking, no drugs, no drinking, no whipped cream alcohol exceptions, no Vince. No one even like Vince. Can you live with that?”

  Tam nodded. “I think I can. Except, maybe a little whipped cream on Christmas?”

  “We’ll see.”

  “Deal.”

  Tamara’s phone dinged. A message from Conor.

  Haha, nope, no calls. New pizza place came in, though, and it’s pretty decent. Hit me up when you’re back and it’s on me. Want to talk about the last ep of Breaking Bad. It was amazing!!

  And just like that, it was over. At least as far as Conor was concerned. And she wasn’t used goods, dirty, tainted, anything; she was still Tam, and he wanted to take her out for pizza.

  “Whatcha smiling about there?” Colleen asked.

  “Everything,” Tam said. “Absolutely everything.”

  Colleen pressed the accelerator and Tam tipped her head back, turning toward the sun. Bitty had been absolutely right: There was nothing better than opening up and driving with the top down.

  EPILOGUE

  Once upon a time, there were three happy girls, none of whom were born into easy, uncomplicated lives. They had each been through their own hell, and come out on the other side. Each one could look back on some moments in the past and shudder or cringe, hoping those memories never saw the light of day again, and each one could look back at other past moments with a smile and a coo of nostalgic wistfulness. Each one had a life that didn’t follow the yellow brick road they always hoped it would. But the road they ended up on had put them in a far better place.

  First, there was Bitty. Since the road trip that had changed the direction of her life, she had changed. When she looked in the mirror now, she didn’t see an extra ounce of fat on her hip bones or a wrinkle by her eyes that she really ought to take care of. Not because the ounces or wrinkles weren’t there, but because she saw herself. She just saw Bitty now. Ounces and wrinkles be damned.

  On this particular Saturday, Bitty was tossing on her favorite baggy red sweater, paired with a pair of simple black leggings, and black boots. Her hair was a little longer and less tamed than she used to wear it. She wondered now why she’d gone so long the other way—it looked way better this way.

  “Come on, babe, we’re gonna miss breakfast if you don’t hurry your cute ass up!” Blake shouted up the stairs.

  She laughed. A real laugh, not a polite one because someone had made a joke. He couldn’t hear her either way. “I’m coming!”

  “You wearin’ those leggings I like?”

  Screw makeup, she’d rather head down the stairs than even fuss with eye shadow. She left their room and stopped at the top of the stairs.

  “Are these the leggings you like?”

  He tilted his head and looked thoughtful. “I’m not sure if they are. Could you turn around for me?”

  She gave an indulgent roll of the eyes and turned.

  “Yup, those are the ones.”

  Bitty laughed again and went down the stairs. He gave her a wink as she walked past him and then a smack on the ass. “Let’s get moving.”

  Out she trotted to his truck, and into the passenger seat. He climbed in himself, and they set off for breakfast. After, they were stopping at the hardware store. He had some tools to get of some kind, and Bitty had talked him into letting her paint the bathroom, and she was dying to look at the color swatches.

  An Eagles song played on the radio, Blake was singing along—badly—and they set off, the truck jostled by the uneven road. And Bitty had never been happier.

  * * *

  A FEW STATES north, Colleen was in the kitchen. A timer was going off, the sink was running, and everything was ready at once—which is not exactly the dream come true, because that means everything needs action all at once.

  “Tam, shut off the timer, will you?”

  “Uhhh—” She rushed over, her mismatched fuzzy socks almost making her slide into the wall. She looked at the microwave, and pressed a button. The fan came on, adding to the cacophony. She pressed more buttons until she got it.

  “Okay, now can you go outside and grab the tray that’s been cooling out there?”

  “Got it.” She went off to complete the task, clearly glad that this one made perfect sense.

  She heard the front door open, and Kevin came into the kitchen. Zuzu was all claws-on-hardwood as she scrambled to him. “Hey, there, Zuzu, let’s get you outside.” He did so.

  A moment later, Jay came in the back door, laughing at Tam, who was saying, “Don’t make fun of me!”

  “I’m not! Okay, no, I totally am.”

  Kevin shut the door on the dog and turned off the sink. “It smells incredible in here.”

  “Right?” agreed Tam. “It smells like a restaurant or something.”

  “All I can smell is me, and I smell like cats from the Shapiros’ house,” said Jay.

  “Gross! Go take a shower, nasty!” Tam said after getting a whiff. “And hurry, cuz, I am not waiting for you to eat.”

  She looked very seriously at him. Colleen smiled. Their interaction had surprised her. She had taken on a “responsible for Jay’s well-being, even if it means tough love” sort of attitude, and he had adopted one that said “I don’t have to listen to you, but it seems like it’s good for you when I do, so I will” attitude. It worked out.

  “I’ll go change really quick and come back down.” Kevin went off, and Colleen was left alone in the kitchen. Okay, finally everything was handled, everything was done.

  They sat at the table together, as they did sometimes nowadays. Tam had a boy she liked, Jay had met a teacher who seemed really on hi
s side, and Jay didn’t want to mess that up. Kevin was doing great at work. Colleen’s business was doing great with all her “domestic imports” as she was calling them.

  After dinner, once Jay had retreated to his room and Tam had gone upstairs to get ready for the movie she was going to with her friends and—ooh, the boy!—Colleen and Kevin were left alone. She stood at the sink doing dishes.

  “That dinner was incredible, Col, as always.”

  “Thank you, and I know, that seasoning I got in Georgia was really the—” She stopped as he kissed her on the neck from behind.

  “Colleen, I have something I want to tell you.”

  There was a small drop in her stomach as she turned. She didn’t even have to keep wondering or work up any fear, however. He was smiling at her when she looked at him. His hands were planted on the counter behind her. “What is it, Kevin?”

  “I know you said you’re almost out of stuff to sell. And I know how well you did with all of that. And … I was a little jealous last time that I didn’t get to go along.”

  Colleen laughed. “Oh, I’m so sure.”

  “Hey. I had a great time. But you weren’t trapped with a bunch of dudes and one cackling cougar-wannabe that whole time.”

  A small win for Colleen. “True.”

  “So.” He pulled out an envelope from his back pocket. “I was thinking maybe now that we’ve got the built-in babysitter”—he indicated upstairs, where Tam was—“maybe you’d be interested in taking a little you-and-me trip.”

  “Really?”

  He opened the envelope and handed it to her. “Really.”

  She pulled out two plane tickets. “Two one-way tickets to Portland?”

  He nodded. “I thought maybe we could start at the top and drive down the other coast. You can get some different stuff over there, and we can see some new sights together, and then get a flight back or drive back, whatever we feel like. Neither of us have ever been there. I thought it would be pretty cool. I remember in college you used to talk about some program in California you had considered.”