A Family to Come Home To (Saddle Falls)

by De Vita, Sharon

  “Hannah,” he said carefully, not wanting there to be any confusion. “Make no mistake. Everything has changed.” His face slowly sobered as he took in his surroundings with an uneasy glance. “I’ve changed.” He brought his eyes back to hers. “I’m not Jesse Ryan,” he said quietly but firmly, sending a chill over her, dashing all the warm feelings. “At least not the Jesse Ryan you remember.” Frustrated, he dragged a hand through his hair and blew out a breath. “Hell, at the moment, I don’t know who I am.”

  “Mama, Uncle Jesse said a bad word.”

  “Uh, yes, honey, I know,” Hannah said, banking a smile.

  Riley turned to Jesse. “You’re not supposed to say bad words, Uncle Jesse. They’re not pul-lite.”

  “You’re absolutely right, Miss Riley,” Jesse said, struggling to smother a smile as well. He gave Hannah a quick, amused glance before bringing his gaze, somber now, back to the indignant imp. “I’m not supposed to use bad words. My mama taught me better than that, and I sure do apologize.”

  With a frown, Riley continued to study him before turning to her mother, her eyes clouded in confusion. “Mama, are you sure he’s not Uncle Jake?” Riley shook her head, setting her pigtails waving to and fro. “’Cuz Uncle Jake says bad words sometimes, too. And he really looks like Uncle Jake.”

  Hannah laughed at her daughter’s logic, completely understanding her confusion. “Well, honey, that’s because Uncle Jesse is Uncle Jake’s brother.”

  Riley’s face brightened. “So if we get a new baby sister or brother for me, will it look like me?”

  “That’s right, sweetheart,” Hannah said with a laugh, realizing Jesse was still studying her. Knowing those glorious, gorgeous blue eyes were appraising, measuring her, made her incredibly nervous. She shrugged to hide it. “Well, Jesse, I’m sorry, but you do look just like Jake.”

  He nodded, struggling to digest that information. “That’s what I’ve gathered.”

  She studied him for a moment, a flicker of something close to apprehension settling in. “You don’t remember?” she asked quietly. “You don’t remember your brothers?” she asked, trying to hide her horror at the mere thought.

  Jesse blew out a frustrated breath and shook his head slowly. “No, ma’am, I reckon I don’t.”

  A thousand questions suddenly sprang to Hannah’s mind. None of which had any answers. Where had he been?

  Where had he lived?

  Who’d raised him?

  What had his life been like?

  Why hadn’t he come home?

  Struggling to hide her concern, Hannah searched for a safer topic, something that would give her a moment to regain her footing. Realizing she’d introduced Jesse to Riley, but not vice versa, she forced a smile past her nerves as she continued the introductions. “Jesse, this is my daughter, Riley.”

  “Well, Miss Riley,” Jesse said. “I’m always happy to meet such a pretty little lady.”

  “I’m five,” Riley offered, holding up one sticky hand and spreading her fingers. “And I get to go to kindergarten in a few weeks.”

  “You do? Kindergarten?” Jesse drew back, pretending to be surprised. “Well, then, I reckon you’re a pretty lucky little lady, and almost all grown up too, aren’t you, darlin’?” He kissed one of her outstretched fingers.

  “Timmy and Terry said kindergarten isn’t so bad.” Fear clouded the child’s blue eyes and Jesse felt a tug at his heart. “I get to ride on a big yellow bus with all the big kids.” She glanced up at him, her eyes wide. “But Mama doesn’t get to go.” Fiercely she shook her head. “I get to go all by myself ’cuz I’m big now, right, Mama?”

  Hannah’s heart began to ache at the fear shadowed in her daughter’s eyes. Oh how she wished she could just wrap her daughter in her arms and protect her from anything and everything that would ever hurt her or be unpleasant.

  “That’s right, sweetheart,” Hannah said with a smile.

  He pressed another reassuring kiss to one of Riley’s sticky little fingers. “Well now, Miss Riley, I reckon you’re going to have a fine time on that big yellow school bus. Just think of all the new friends you’ll meet. And then when you come home you can tell your mama here all about your adventures each day.”

  “Can I tell you, too, Uncle Jesse?” Riley asked hopefully.

  “Absolutely, darlin’,” Jesse assured her, not wanting to disappoint the child by telling her he probably wouldn’t even be here by the time she started school.

  “You talk funny,” Riley blurted in response.

  “Riley!” Hannah almost groaned, but Jesse merely laughed at her daughter’s antics, plopping his Stetson on her golden head. It drooped down, covering her eyes, until she pushed it back so she could see.

  “Well, darlin’, I guess I do talk funny, but then again, where I come from I imagine they’d think you all talk a bit funny as well,” he said, punctuating his words by tickling her belly and making her giggle.

  “Where do you come from?” Riley asked, wideeyed, and Hannah wanted to groan again, but Jesse smiled indulgently.

  “Texas, honey. I’m from Texas.”

  “I don’t know where that’s at,” Riley said, pushing his Stetson back farther on her head.

  “Is that where you’ve been, Jesse?” Hannah asked quietly. “In Texas?”

  “For as long as I can remember,” he admitted with a shrug and a slow, sexy smile that made her toes curl in the small patch of grass she was standing in.

  “Do you remember anything, Jesse?” she pressed carefully. “Anything about your life here in Saddle Falls?” Her words caused her heart to beat in trepidation. “Before you went to Texas?”

  “You,” he said quietly, letting his gaze meet hers, making her heart tumble over again. “I remember you. And I don’t exactly reckon why.” Confused, he shook his head. “I hadn’t remembered anything until I was driving down the road, and then…” He glanced around, trying to absorb his surroundings. “I remembered this house—something about it…”

  She chuckled softly to hide her nerves. “That’s probably because you spent so much time here. Almost as much time as I spent over at the Ryans’.”

  He was still studying his surroundings, wondering if doing that would jog more memories. “I didn’t know what I remembered about this house. Except that as I drove by, I knew it, knew too that the third step on the back porch used to creak—”

  “Still does,” Hannah admitted with a laugh, surprised that he would remember something so insignificant.

  “And I remembered a little girl named Hannah-Anna,” he said quietly, tilting his head to continue to study her.

  She forced a smile past the sadness that had surfaced. “It’s been twenty years since anyone has called me that, and you, Jesse, were the only one who ever did.” Clearly, he didn’t remember her, not in the same way she remembered him. And it hurt, she realized. Very much.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, not certain he knew what he was sorry about. He only knew her eyes had shadowed at his words and he felt responsible somehow.

  “Oh, Jesse, don’t be sorry. It’s all right.” She pressed her hands to his chest again, wanting to touch him, to comfort and ease the pain and confusion she saw in his eyes. It only increased the ache in her heart. For him. For her. And especially for the Ryans.

  If it hurt this much for Jesse not to remember her, she couldn’t even imagine the pain Tommy would endure, knowing his own grandson didn’t remember him.

  And Jesse didn’t remember her, not really. And he probably didn’t remember the special bond that had always been between them, a bond that at one time she’d been certain would never be broken.

  Now she wasn’t certain of anything.

  “Do you remember the last time you saw me?” she asked, cocking her head to look at him curiously.

  He was thoughtful for a moment, and then images flashed before him and he saw her standing on the sidewalk looking lost and forlorn, crying. The memories flashed quickly, brightly, barely giving
him time to absorb them.

  “We were playing hide-and-seek out behind the main house here.” Lost in the images of his memory, he spoke by rote, not certain where the words or the memories were coming from. “It was summer and hotter than blazes. We were both running around barefoot. We’d run under the sprinkler just to cool off before we went on with our game.” He had to stop, to swallow because his mouth was so dry. “But I had to be home before dark. I was walking backward down the sidewalk toward my house, waving, and feeling bad because you were standing out front, crying because I had to go home.”

  The word slammed into him.

  Home.

  He’d had to go home.

  Absently, he rubbed his forehead where a dull ache had started. Apparently there were some long-buried memories deep inside the recesses of his mind.

  “That’s right, Jesse,” Hannah said, encouraged. “That night I was standing on the front porch waving and crying because you had to go home.” She had to swallow around the sudden lump in her throat at the painful memory. “That was the last time I saw you. You disappeared that night.” She brushed a fresh tear from her cheek, the loss as fresh today as it had been twenty years ago. “Jesse,” she began carefully. “Do you remember anything else? Anything about your family?”

  How could he tell her he knew who Jesse Garland was, who Jesse Garland’s family was, knew who he was supposed to be, knew what was expected of him, and knew too how he’d act or react in any given situation.

  However, he didn’t remember anything about Jesse Ryan.

  And he didn’t know if he truly wanted to know because then if he knew, he might have to deal with it and accept it, and accept all that went along with becoming Jesse Ryan—Tommy Ryan’s youngest grandson.

  And that meant turning his back on who he’d been his whole life, as well as the woman who’d loved him, raised him as her own. Love and loyalty weren’t just words to him, but something a man—an honorable man—never turned his back on.

  He was still reeling from his mother’s death, her confession, and then all these months trying to absorb the information he’d learned once he’d found out about Tommy Ryan and his missing grandson.

  It was far too much for him to take in and accept right now. It was coming too fast, without enough time for him to absorb it or put into perspective.

  Maybe coming here had been a mistake, he thought, staring at Hannah. Maybe he hadn’t really been ready for what he might learn or have to face.

  And he was certain he hadn’t been prepared for her, nor for the gut-level male reaction he was having to her.

  Just another emotion to add to the confusing mix.

  He shook his head. “No,” he said firmly, not certain of much at the moment, but certain of this if nothing else. “I don’t remember anything about them.”

  “Them?” One eyebrow rose and Hannah watched him carefully, not certain what it was in his eyes. Wariness, of course, a hint of fear, and something else she couldn’t read. It sent a chill through her. “You don’t remember your grandfather, Tommy, or your brothers, Jake, Jared or Josh?”

  He shook his head, then blew out a breath. “Hannah, the only family I ever had was my mother, Grace, and she passed away going on three months back now.”

  Hannah couldn’t help it, her temper flared, fueled by fear and frustration. “Jesse, I don’t know who this Grace person was, but your family is the Ryans. You’re a Ryan,” she insisted, temper in her words. Unconsciously, her hands fisted in his shirt as she struggled to contain the floodgate of emotions his words had opened.

  Tommy Ryan had spent twenty years praying—waiting—for the day when Jesse would be found, would come home. How would he handle knowing Jesse didn’t even remember him?

  Or worse, far worse, wouldn’t accept him?

  She loved and adored her godfather. He was the finest man she’d ever met, the kind of man she’d always wished had been her father. She wouldn’t want anything or anyone—not even his youngest, beloved grandson—to hurt him.

  A strong streak of protectiveness rose in Hannah and she wanted to shake Jesse, shake him until he realized what his lack of acceptance of Tommy might do to the man. And to the entire Ryan family, who had spent twenty years grieving for him, searching for him, loving him.

  She knew firsthand how the rejection of your family—for any reason—hurt, cutting a path through your heart that never truly healed. She knew because she’d lived with it for as long as she could remember, even before her daughter’s birth.

  She wanted to protect Tommy and all the Ryans from ever feeling such heartache and despair.

  “No,” Jesse countered quietly but just as firmly. “I’m a Garland. Jesse Garland,” he emphasized. “My family was Grace Garland, and she’s gone.”

  Hannah forced herself to take a slow, deep breath because emotion had her words and voice shaking. “Your mother’s name was Janice and your father’s name was Jock. Your parents were killed in a plane crash almost fifteen years ago.”

  He merely stared at her, realizing her words meant nothing. He shrugged. “I’m sorry, but I don’t remember anyone named Janice or Jock.” He shrugged again at the look on her face. “Sorry.”

  “Jesse,” she said, trying again. “Your father, Jock, was your grandfather Tommy’s only son, his only child.” The strength of her words surprised her. She hadn’t realized how desperately she wanted him to remember his life and family here. Or how desperately she wanted things to be the way they once were. Not for her sake, but for Tommy’s. “You don’t remember Tommy, your parents or your brothers or anything else?” she asked, thoroughly frustrated.

  He shook his head, still studying his surroundings because looking at her made him feel things he wasn’t certain he understood. Male feelings, feelings that had nothing to do with who he was or who she was. Feelings that were purely male responding to female.

  And there were far too many emotions swirling around inside his mind, his heart, to add any more to the mix. Emotional overload his mother would have called it.

  He glanced at Hannah again. She was the most incredibly beautiful woman he’d ever seen in his life. But she was someone from his past, someone from Jesse Ryan’s life.

  Not his.

  He was Jesse Garland.

  Jesse Ryan wasn’t someone he knew or understood, nor was he certain he wanted to know or understand who he’d been. Nor did he like the emotions that this woman aroused in him. They were far too strong and just as frightening. But he couldn’t deny there was some kind of emotional connection, something that seemed to be drawing him closer to her, wanting to be closer to her.

  And it scared the hell out of him.

  He knew he couldn’t allow his emotions free rein. He was here for one reason and one reason only: to honor his late mother’s wishes.

  Jesse Garland was who he knew. He understood Jesse Garland, knew his history, his past, knew everything about him. Jesse Garland was who he was comfortable with, and that wasn’t about to change now, not because of a few remembered memories.

  Or a childhood friend.

  He’d do well to remember that.

  Besides, he wasn’t here for the long haul. A short visit and he was on his way back home. The thought helped to soothe some of his emotional turmoil.

  “I’m thirsty, Mama.” Riley rolled her eyes. “Real thirsty. And you said we could have some ice cream before we went to Uncle Tommy’s.” Riley bent and scratched a mosquito bite on her knee.

  At Jesse’s surprised look, Hannah felt the need to explain. “I work for Tommy. As his cook,” she clarified, lifting her hands out of her shorts pockets to wipe them on the jean material. She hadn’t realized how nervous she was until now. “Mrs. Taylor, Tommy’s cook, finally retired, and he offered me the job. So I took it,” she added with a shrug. If she expected some hint of recognition at the mention of Mrs. Taylor, she was disappointed. Jesse gave no reaction.

  “Well, I guess I’d better get going then,” Jesse said with a
slow, lazy smile that sent her pulse scrambling. As much as he’d dreaded the actual meeting with Tommy Ryan, meeting Hannah had stirred him up just as much and he felt the need to leave, to take some time to put things in perspective. “I’ve taken up enough of your time.”

  “Wait, Jesse.” Hannah touched his arm before turning to her daughter, indicating she wanted to speak to him. Alone. “Sweetheart, why don’t you go inside and get yourself some of the cookies Mama baked this morning?”

  “Can I have three?” Riley asked, holding up three fingers and making Jesse smile.

  “Yes, honey, but only three. Remember, we’re going to take them over to Uncle Tommy’s with us, and besides, I don’t want you to ruin your dinner.” She gave her daughter’s backside an affectionate pat. “Go on now, I’ll put your bike away for you.”

  “Thanks, Mama.” Riley lifted her face to Jesse’s and gifted him with a brilliant smile. “Bye, Uncle Jesse.” She waved several fingers at him. He waved back.

  “Bye, Miss Riley,” he said with a smile. “It sure was a pleasure meeting you.”

  She giggled again, then skipped off toward the back porch. Hannah waited until the door shut behind Riley before turning to Jesse.

  “She’s a beautiful little girl,” Jesse said, surprising her. “Her daddy must be real proud of her.”

  Hannah stiffened. “Riley doesn’t have a daddy. She has me, and I’m all she needs.”

  Well now, Jesse thought, glancing at Hannah curiously. There was more than a little resentment laced through those words, he thought. It was curious. What kind of man walked away from a beautiful child like that? he wondered. Certainly no man he’d ever known. Or wanted to know.

  “Jesse, please, listen to me.” Unconsciously, Hannah wrung her hands together to gather her thoughts. The last thing she wanted was to get into a discussion of her personal life—or, rather, lack of it. Or her marital status or lack of it. Or Riley’s parental situation—or lack of it, realizing that in spite of the years that had passed she still felt a bit of shame at having been so young, so stupid and so very duped. Her personal life was not the point. Right now she wanted—needed—to talk to him about Tommy.