Off balance, she fell against him, felt the hard wall of his chest, the comfort of his arm, the warmth of his breath, and felt her heart speed up.
“Now, Hannah-Anna, don’t tell me you wouldn’t love to have a little puppy,” he whispered. He was so close, she could feel a shiver race over and down her neck, starting an ache low and deep in her belly. It annoyed her to know she responded so quickly, so readily to him. She thought she was immune to this kind of feminine frivolity. She was a mother with enormous responsibilities and shouldn’t be reacting like a schoolgirl in the throes of her first crush.
Still scowling, Hannah glanced up at him and nearly growled. “Jesse, if I wanted to walk or feed something during the night, I’d have had another baby.”
“Mama, can I have a brother or sister now, too?” Riley asked hopefully, her face gleaming with excitement, making Hannah groan again. She shot Jesse a lethal look. In spite of his hand in this ploy, he managed to look perfectly innocent.
Struggling free of him, Hannah straightened her clothes and tried to gather her composure. “Now, Riley, let’s take one thing at a time.” Hannah dragged her hands through her hair, trying to figure a way out of this. “Remember what I said about a baby brother or sister?” She spoke directly to her daughter, trying to ignore Jesse’s obvious amusement over how she was going to explain the facts of life—or rather her life—to her daughter.
Riley’s head bobbed and the corners of her mouth drooped in disappointment. “That we can’t have a baby brother or sister because we can’t stay home to take care of it and stuff, right?” Riley said with a heavy sigh.
“Is that the real reason, Hannah-Anna?” Jesse asked with a wiggle of his eyebrows, causing Hannah to whack him on the arm.
“I don’t need any help here, Jesse,” she said, giving him a look. “I think you’ve helped more than enough for one day.”
“Anytime, darlin’,” he said with a grin, giving a pretend yelp when she whacked him again, loving the way her eyes were sparkling. Her day off had obviously done her a world of good. He hadn’t seen her look this carefree or relaxed since he’d arrived. It made his heart ache to look at her, starting a strange longing deep inside, a longing he didn’t understand. But with all the other emotions swirling around inside, he didn’t worry too much about this one.
“Now, sweetheart.” Hannah took a breath as Riley snuggled deeper into Jesse’s lap, resting her head on his shoulder. “You know we can’t have a baby brother or sister for you,” Hannah said, expecting the same pout and plea she always got from her disappointed daughter.
“But what about a puppy, Mama?” Rubbing her tired eyes with a fist, Riley tried unsuccessfully to stifle a yawn. “Uncle Jesse said—”
“Uncle Jesse, again,” Hannah muttered, giving him another look. He merely grinned, reaching out to ruffle her hair. She tried to glare at him, but simply couldn’t manage it.
“But Mama, Uncle Jesse said we could leave my puppy at his house ’cuz it will be too little to leave its mommy. And then when it’s big enough, we could bring it home.”
“But Riley—”
“Hannah.” Jesse’s touch on her hand stopped her. “Natalie is home all day, every day with the twins. She offered to keep the puppy there until it’s weaned, and train it along with the others before you bring it home.” Jesse grinned that heartbreaking grin, the one she never seemed to be able to resist. “That way Riley will be able to see it every day when you go to work, spend time with it, play with it and get accustomed to taking care of it.”
“I’ll take care of it. Honest, Mama.” Riley was on her knees, hands pressed together as if in prayer, ready to beg. “Please, Mama? Pul-lease?”
“Riley, wait.” She held up her hand and tried to sort out her thoughts. “Let me talk to Uncle Jesse for a minute.” Stunned by the generosity of Natalie’s offer, Hannah could only stare at him. “I can’t believe Natalie made such a generous offer. Jesse, that’s not really fair to her. I mean I have a lot of responsibility, but she has two sets of twins to take care of as well as a husband, two dogs and an assortment of other pets.”
Jesse shrugged his massive shoulders. “That’s what I said. But Natalie merely laughed and said she’d be glad to do it just to know she’d have a home for at least one of the pups.”
“So can I have a puppy, Mama? Please?” Riley reached out and hooked an arm around Hannah’s neck. “I promise I’ll take care of it.”
“It will be a good way to teach her responsibility, Hannah, and it will also keep her company. I think it would be wonderful for her.”
With two pairs of pleading eyes on hers, Hannah felt her resolve cave in. Torn, she thought of every single reason why having a new puppy was not only not practical but downright illogical. She barely had enough time to take care of all of her responsibilities now. Where on earth would she find the time to take care of a puppy as well? She hadn’t a clue. She was about to decline, to go into a lengthy explanation of all the reasons why it just wasn’t feasible, but then she looked at her daughter’s face. And her resolve faltered as her heart melted.
“I know I’m going to regret this,” she muttered, giving Jesse another look.
“I can have it?” Riley turned to Jesse, her eyes sparkling in excitement. “Does that mean I can have one?”
“It does indeed, darlin’.” Jesse almost fell backward as Riley threw herself at him, winding her arms around his neck and bouncing up and down.
“Thank you, Uncle Jesse. Thank you.” She planted wet, sloppy kisses all over his face. “Thank you.”
“Hey, what about me?” Hannah asked with a grin. “Don’t I get any kisses or any thanks?”
Riley lunged at her, draping herself over her mother and hugging her tight. “Thank you, Mama.” She planted wet kisses all over Hannah’s face as well. “Thank you, thank you. I promise I’ll take good care of it. Honest.”
Hannah nodded, knowing that a five-year-old’s promises were about as good as the time it took to say them. She sighed. So she’d find some extra time somewhere to take care of the puppy. It was worth it if it made her daughter this happy.
“Okay, now that we’ve got that settled.” Hannah drew back and looked at her child. “Sweetheart, I want you to remember this is a real living creature with feelings and needs. He’s a baby really and he’ll need you to take care of him. He’ll be depending on you for everything. His food. His safety. His well-being.”
“Like you take care of me, Mama?”
Hannah grinned. “Yes, sweetheart, like I take care of you.” She pressed a kiss to her daughter’s freckled nose. “It’s a very big responsibility, honey.”
“I know, Mama, and I could do it. I’m big enough. Honest.”
“I’m sure you will.” Hannah sighed, wondering how on earth one man and a five-year-old had bushwhacked her. She didn’t know, but looking at the joy on her daughter’s face, it really didn’t matter. “Now, you have a very big day tomorrow, young lady—”
“Tomorrow’s my first day of school, Uncle Jesse.”
“Yes, darlin’, I know.”
“And I get to ride on a bus and everything.” Riley bit her lower lip and glanced away. “But I’m not afraid.”
Jesse didn’t have to hear the waver in Riley’s voice to know she was terrified. “’Course you’re not, darlin’,” Jesse said, scooping her into his arms and planting her on his hip as he stood up. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” He jiggled her as he started walking toward the back door with her. “You’re going to learn so many new and fun things, meet so many new friends. When you come home you can tell your mama and me all about your day, how does that sound?”
Riley grinned, winding her arm around Jesse and laying her head down on his shoulder. “Uncle Jesse, I’ll tell you everything.” Riley shoved her glasses up. “And maybe I could even draw you a picture.”
“Why, that would be wonderful, darlin’. Just wonderful.”
“Uncle Jesse, will you come tuck me in?�
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“Sure, darlin’.” He glanced back at Hannah. “You coming?”
Hannah followed, listening, watching, her heart caught in her throat. Jesse had said he’d be here tomorrow when Riley came home from school.
And her daughter was eagerly looking forward to it, as was she, Hannah realized. But Jesse wasn’t always going to be there when Riley came home from school. She knew that. But looking at her little girl’s face, so open, so filled with love, Hannah realized that her daughter didn’t.
And when that day came, when Jesse wasn’t there when Riley came home, when Jesse was back home in Texas, what would happen to Riley and the love and adoration she’d so freely and openly given to Jesse?
Hannah couldn’t bear to even think about that day.
Riley was only five and didn’t understand the rules of life; didn’t understand that just wanting something—loving someone—didn’t make things turn out all right.
Hannah knew it better than anyone, and had vowed to protect herself from ever being so naive again.
With a sigh, Hannah realized she couldn’t deny that her feelings for Jesse went beyond friendship. Up until now she hadn’t been able to acknowledge her own feelings, let alone accept them.
But now, watching him with her daughter, knowing he was leaving, knowing he would leave both her and Riley devastated, Hannah realized she had to do something.
Perhaps it was too late to rescue her own heart.
But she had to protect her daughter’s.
She was going to have to talk to him, she realized. She was going to have to tell him that as much as she loved having him spend time with her and Riley, as much as loved his presence, his touch, she didn’t think it was a good idea for him to spend any more time with them simply because of the situation.
He was leaving, there was no doubt about that. He’d reiterated that many times so there would be no doubt. She had no choice now but to tell him that he couldn’t spend so much time with Riley. Or with her.
The thought made Hannah’s wary heart ache in a way that almost brought on a physical pain unlike anything in memory. Watching Jesse with her daughter she realized that she was going to have to hurt the two people she cared about most in the world, and in the end, hurt herself as well.
Chapter Eight
Tommy glanced up from his morning newspaper. “Aye, Jesse, my boy, you’re up early,” he said with a slight frown as Jesse wandered into the kitchen.
“I couldn’t sleep,” Jesse admitted with a shrug, rubbing his tired, bleary eyes.
Setting his coffee cup down, Tommy carefully looked at his grandson.
“Something troubling you, lad?” He’d not pushed the boy, letting him adjust at his own pace, feeling that would be best if the lad was ever going to feel comfortable with the clan and his place in it.
Jesse shrugged, grabbed a coffee mug from the cabinet and poured himself some coffee, turning to Tommy with a sheepish grin.
“It’s Riley’s first day of school,” he admitted with another shrug of his shoulders. “I guess I’m as nervous as she is,” he said with a chuckle as he sat down at the kitchen table and took a sip of his coffee.
“Aye,” Tommy said with a nod and understanding smile. “Firsts are always a time for worry, Jesse.” He glanced at his grandson. “No matter your age, nerves flutter the first time you do anything.”
Jesse sipped his coffee, wondering if Tommy was only talking about Riley. Or about him as well. Obviously he’d been nervous coming here for the first time, but it was only natural, he supposed, considering the circumstances.
“But I’m sure the little lass will do fine.” Tommy picked up the cigar smoldering in the ashtray and took a puff. “You know, lad, Hannah’s done a fine, fine job with her little girl.” Tommy grinned as he took a sip of coffee. “Hannah’s like my own daughter, Jesse. Had I had a daughter, I would have wanted her to be just like Hannah. She’s a strong woman with a heart as big as the ocean.” Tommy chuckled. “And as proud and loyal as any of the Ryan clan, with a strong stubborn streak in the way that women have.” Tommy winked at him. “If you know what I mean.”
Jesse laughed. He thought about Hannah for a moment, and couldn’t help the smile that filtered over his face. “Hannah has that little feminine stubborn streak you’re talking about, I reckon.”
“Aye, I agree, lad.” Tommy hesitated, puffing thoughtfully on his cigar. “Being a single mother, Jesse, why, it’s a difficult chore at best. It’s not easy raising a child alone.”
“I know,” Jesse said, still thinking about Hannah and how incredible she was. In some ways she reminded him of Grace Garland in her devotion to Riley.
Leaning forward, Tommy laid a hand on his grandson’s arm. He’d not spoken to the boy about the woman who’d raised him as her own. He felt the lad needed some time to get used to the clan again, to find his footing and his proper place. And Tommy wasn’t certain yet that the lad had done that. But still, he felt the need to speak of things now.
“Jesse, in spite of what you think, I’m heartily indebted to Grace Garland for taking care of you for so many years.” Stunned by the abrupt change in subject, Jesse’s gaze shifted to Tommy’s. “A woman alone, I’m sure it wasn’t an easy time for her. I was sorry to hear of her passing, son. Truly. And I want you to know I understand the love and loyalty you feel toward her.” Tommy smiled at Jesse’s look of surprise. “Without her, who knows how things would have turned out.” Tommy hesitated, then shrugged. “And I hope, lad, you know that coming back here to your clan, your family, well, it has nothing to do with the love you have for Grace Garland. Aye, nothing at all. The love in your heart is that of a son for a mother, as it should be,” Tommy said. “She was your mother during the years it most mattered.” Tommy hesitated, watching his grandson carefully. “But love is a funny thing, Jesse, as is loyalty. It’s like when you have a second child. You can’t possibly imagine loving another wee one as much as you love the first, and you wonder at times how you’ll do it, fearing you’ll be unfair to the new addition.” Tommy grinned. “But aye, when that new babe is born, it’s as if the love in your heart grows and multiplies so there’s always plenty enough to go around.”
Jesse searched his grandfather’s eyes. “Tommy, I don’t reckon I’m sure what you’re saying,” he admitted, wanting, needing to understand.
Tommy blew out a breath, then set his cigar in the ashtray so he could meet his grandson’s intense gaze. He laid his hands over Jesse’s. “What I’m saying, lad, is not to feel guilty for loving Grace Garland, or for feeling loyalty toward her. It’s a natural thing, considering. And don’t think that if you love her, you can’t love us.” Tommy shrugged again. “We’re all your family, Jesse. All of us. Me, Grace Garland, your brothers. A family isn’t just about blood ties, lad. Look at Hannah. I couldn’t love her more if she were my blood. Love is what makes a family, Jesse, my boy. And I would never want you to forsake your feelings for Grace because of us. Nay, that’s not expected at all,” Tommy said with a firm shake of his head. “It’s not a question of choosing one over the other, lad, or loving one over the other, but more a question of simply sharing your love and your loyalty with all those who love you.”
Jesse couldn’t hide his surprise. He’d been absolutely certain that by coming here he would somehow be forced to distance himself from the only mother he’d ever known or remembered. He knew that he could never do that, not without feeling disloyal, something which he didn’t think he could bear.
Now Tommy was telling him it was okay to keep his memories and his love of his mother and yet still be a Ryan.
He could be exactly who he needed to be, whoever he truly was, without forsaking his feelings for anyone.
He felt a burden lift off his aching heart and every muscle in his body, every muscle that had been tensed since he began this journey, finally, blissfully relaxed. The ache he’d carried in his heart from the moment Grace had told him the truth seemed to heal over. Yes, there were still sc
ars, there probably always would be, but they would heal as well he knew.
In time. As Hannah had told him. He just needed to give things time.
“Thanks, Tommy,” Jesse said, his voice husky with emotion. “I…I want you to know how much that means to me. Love and loyalty aren’t just words to me, but part of me, like the blood running through my veins. And for whatever Grace Garland did or didn’t do, she loved me more than anything in the world. And I know that. I always knew it. In her heart I was her son.”
“And she was your mother, lad. I understand that.” Tommy’s smile was wistful. “There’s something fierce about a mother’s love, and a mother isn’t only one who gives birth, lad. Nay, a mother is one who loves and cares for a child without selfishness, who does what’s best for the babe no matter what the situation.” He shrugged. “Grace Garland did what she thought was best.”
“You’re not angry with her?” Jesse asked in surprise.
Tommy’s smile was slow. “Angry? Nay, lad. I can’t say that anger’s the right word. Grateful she took care of you, raised you as she did. She had other choices, lad. Good choices and bad choices, but she chose the only one she could live with, the one that was best for her. It’s all each of us can expect from ourselves, and when we make our choices, aye, we’ve got to live with them. And I’ll be eternally grateful that she made the choice she did.” Tommy shook his head. “If she’d chosen not to keep you, son, the outcome could have been far different had you been left with that scoundrel brother of hers. You could have been in a great deal of danger, but Grace loved you enough to protect you, to keep you safe, to love and raise you as her own. So how could I be angry?” Tommy patted Jesse’s hand. “Nothing is more important than family, Jesse. Nothing.” Tommy smiled, then cocked his head to look at his grandson. “Now, if I can pry into my grandson’s life…?”
A Family to Come Home To (Saddle Falls) Page 15