Chapter 61
Savah responded within a few hours, saying she would meet with the boy the following morning. Of course. What else did she expect? Savah had carefully planted the seed at the boy’s Signing and undoubtedly had been expecting a message to arrive about now.
As much as the young Allesha tried to prepare herself, the turmoil in her heart would not quiet. She couldn’t even decide which names to use in her mind for this meeting. Savah and Jinet, two women who had long ago learned to love each other, through their love of the same man? Peren and Rishana, two Alleshi dedicated to upholding and extending the Peace? Of course, neither was right; nothing she had once believed in was true. So why was it she always used the name Savah in her thoughts, and ached to be Jinet once more?
When the time came for the meeting, the young Allesha hesitated at the open outer door to the house that had once been a second home and safe haven. Now, she feared it as the lair of one who had betrayed her.
Dov squeezed her hand to lend her strength and support. She looked at him and couldn’t help wondering whose meeting this really was. The boy seemed so confident, ready to take on whatever lay ahead.
After they removed their boots and coats in the vestibule, she knocked on the inner door and entered.
Savah rose from the sofa to greet them. “Welcome. What a delight to have you visit me!” As was seemly, she embraced the young Allesha first.
Jinet could almost close her eyes and feel the same enfolding warmth that small round figure had always instilled. Instead, her muscles stiffened, and she withdrew from the older woman as quickly as propriety allowed. She could not avoid, however, Savah’s probing, pained look.
The older Allesha then turned to Dov. Striding forward, Dov opened his hands to her in the traditional gesture, but added a small self-aware nod to the ritual, not unlike that of a headman greeting an honored visitor. “I thank you, Allesha, for allowing us to visit.”
After filling his hands with hers in welcome, she walked to the greeting room sofa and chairs, and gestured for Dov to sit. But to Jinet, she said, “Please bring in the tea and sweets.”
It was a normal request, asked conversationally. How many times had Jinet taken care of such matters here in the home of her husband’s Allesha? Still, she didn’t want to leave Dov alone with Savah. Nor did she want to fall into the old relationship so easily. But she couldn’t refuse without appearing unreasonable and upsetting her Winter Boy.
Why was Jinet not surprised when she entered the kitchen to find that the water in the kettle was cold, with no fire burning under it, and that no tea service had been prepared?
Dov watched Tayar as she disappeared through the kitchen door, unexpectedly leaving him alone with the old woman. He wondered if their exchange had been as natural and unplanned as he was supposed to think.
Turning his gaze to the older Allesha, he couldn’t help but respond to her. What was it about her that made him feel so good inside? She wasn’t beautiful. Nor did her smile light up her face like Tayar’s. Small, round and grandmotherly, she exuded a deceptive softness.
“I never thanked you properly for your guidance at my Signing,” he said.
She nodded her acknowledgment.
“However, that isn’t why I’m here. I want to apologize for my harsh, thoughtless words.”
“You had already offered your apology, and I had accepted it.”
“That was before I really understood… or understand enough to realize how much I still have to learn and how much I never will.”
“Tell me what you understand.”
Dov paused, wondering exactly what she was asking him, uncertain what the undercurrents in her voice implied. “I used to say whatever words came out of my mouth. That got me into trouble more often than not. I’m sorry some of the words that poured out at my Signing were insulting. It isn’t enough that I didn’t mean them in that way. After we say our words, we have no control over them and how they may affect others. That’s why I have to exercise greater control.”
This time, her nod felt like a benediction. “Why did you feel it was important for you to come here today, in the middle of your Season?”
“Because it isn’t the middle of my Season. It’s coming to an end in just a few weeks, and I began it by insulting you. I wanted to make everything right. I know that simply saying ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t solve anything or make the hurt go away. I’ll have to spend a lifetime making up for a lot of things. But I wanted to begin with you.”
“I accept your apology as a very nice beginning, indeed.” The old Allesha leaned back into the sofa cushions, but Dov knew enough not to take it as a sign that she was relaxing her focus.
“You seem to mean something more,” he said. “I’m not sure what, but when you said ‘beginning,’ it sounded different to me.” He shook his head. “I guess you still plan on giving me quite a bit to think about.”
“Always.” She smiled.
No, it wasn’t Tayar’s sunshine smile, but it relieved the tension and made him realize how safe and good it felt to be with her. “I’m glad. I’ve learned to appreciate the enigmas that the Alleshi are.”
“Could you give me an example of the type of enigmas you feel we are?”
“Sure. Why is my Allesha so sad around you? Sad and angry.”
“Why do you think?”
“I think it’s because she loves you, and you did something that hurt her. But I look at you, and I can’t imagine you doing anything to hurt someone else. Not on purpose.”
“Just as you didn’t insult me on purpose?”
Dov started to shake his head to deny the comparison, thought about it, then said, “Yes, just like me. I said things for my own reasons, but the result was that I hurt you.”
“Sometimes, the only way we can grow is by working our way through pain to the other side, where the view is so different as to make the pain irrelevant.”
The old Allesha stared at him, and Dov knew she was waiting for him to sense something beyond her words. But it eluded him. “I’ll need to think about that one, too.”
“Don’t worry. When you need to understand, the understanding will be yours.”
“That’s the kind of high language that used to make me angry.”
“And it doesn’t anymore?”
“Angry? Not really. Just annoyed.”
“Annoyed with what?” Tayar asked from the kitchen door.
Dov stood to take the heavy tea service tray from her. “Oh, those vague statements that you Alleshi spout when you don’t want to answer a question, but still want to sound all-knowing.”
“Is that what we do?” Savah asked.
“Sometimes,” Tayar answered. While she poured the tea, she studied them. Savah had already won Dov over. But Dov was holding his own, Tayar realized proudly.
“Why do you do it?” Dov asked.
“Because language is more than a tool of communication,” Savah said.
“There you go again,” he said.
“Think about it. We use language not only to convey what we know, but also to examine new ideas, unearth new perspectives.”
“And to avoid and twist truths,” Tayar interjected, staring at Savah over the cup she held out to the older woman.
“Or to control how and when truth is revealed.” Savah took the cup, sipped some tea, then placed it on the table in front of her, all the while holding Tayar’s eyes, until the younger woman looked away.
“Control the way truth is revealed?” Dov shook his head. “That sounds deceitful.”
“Yes, doesn’t it?” Tayar nodded sadly as she gave Dov his cup.
He put it down untasted.
“Not when the truth abides,” Savah said.
“But truth can’t abide if people twist it,” Dov insisted.
“Truth is as complex as words. How they are spoken is not always how they are heard. Isn’t that what you were saying to me just now?” Savah said.
Dov nodded.
�
��Tell me, what kind of Alleman would you like to be?” Savah asked. “What would you like to do with your training? Mistral is one of our best First Meet experts. Is it something that would interest you?”
The young Allesha watched silently, wary but fascinated. Where was Savah going with this? How close to the truth did she dare take it?
“I don’t know. He was away all the time,” the boy responded.
“You know how dangerous things have become with the Mwertik. How important would it be for you to protect your family and village from them?”
“It’s the most important thing,” he said, with a depth of sincerity that pulled at Tayar’s heart.
“Well, that’s part of what Mistral has been doing all these years. Protecting you and Shria, the Birani, and the rest of our people,” Savah said to the boy, but to Tayar it felt as though the older woman’s words were meant primarily for her.
“I know that. But it still hurt as a kid,” Dov paused. “You know, if I could do anything at all, I’d want to stop the hurting we do.”
“I’m not sure I understand what you mean,” Savah said.
“It’s like at my Signing. I hurt you because I didn’t think how anything felt to others. Only how it felt from inside me. Well, maybe everyone does that, seeing the world from a narrow viewpoint. Maybe, if we could understand the view from the other side, we’d be able to break the cycles. It’d be tough to fight someone you really know and understand, wouldn’t it?”
“What about the Mwertik?” Savah asked.
“You’re right. I guess sometimes understanding isn’t enough. Sometimes, you have to fight to survive.”
“But what if you could fight the Mwertik without violence?”
“That’s not possible,” he said.
“Have you ever fought with your mother?” Savah asked.
“Sure.”
“Did you ever hit her?”
“No! Never.” Dov huffed, offended at the idea.
“Exactly.” Savah stood as a signal that the meeting was over.
Dov and Tayar walked in silence, each wrapped up in his and her own thoughts. It was another bitingly cold day, with the sun a pale yellow blur behind grey clouds. No doubt it would snow again tonight. Though winter was drawing to a close, spring still felt far way.
In the distance, other Alleshi were out with their Winter Boys, walking and talking, working and playing. They passed a gate where one couple was leaving the house. Dov didn’t recognize the other boy. While no words of greeting were exchanged, the four of them nodded.
Dov was amazed at how natural it felt to be part of this Valley, hand in hand with Tayar, as so many other boys were right now, as so many Allemen and Alleshi had been through the generations. It rooted him, gave him a sense of belonging. But it also made him conscious of being just one among many. Would he ever be able to make a difference, do something that would make Tayar proud of him?
He replayed the meeting with the old Allesha in his mind. What was she trying to get me to think or do? Why couldn’t she just come out and say what was on her mind? Of course I would never hit Ma. Does she really think I could fight the Mwertik the same way? Skies! My ma loves me. The Mwertik hate everybody.
And what is it between Tayar and the old woman? So much tension and hurt in their gestures and voices, so much left half said.
“Tayar, I’m sorry, but I like her,” Dov finally said.
“Why are you sorry?”
“Because she hurt you. It’s something about me, isn’t it?”
Tayar stopped, looked at Dov, then resumed walking. “What did you think of her?”
“You’re evading my question.”
“Yes, but I do want to know your impressions.”
“She’s powerful, isn’t she?”
“Very.”
“But still soft.”
“That’s how she likes to think of herself.”
“No, I think she really is soft. Somehow that’s the source of her strength.”
“An interesting observation, Dov.”
“But her ideas about truth are another matter; I prefer your direct way. I always know where I stand with you.”
“Don’t ever forget. I am an Allesha,” she cautioned.
Dov wondered why Tayar’s warning sounded more like an admission she was making to herself.
Tayar lifted her face to the pale winter sun, seeking warmth that it couldn’t give her.
Before seeing Savah, she had wondered whose meeting it would be. Now she knew. Savah had controlled it — and her — throughout the visit, searing the lesson into her heart.
Yes, I am an Allesha. I withhold truth when it is to my advantage, when I feel it isn’t time to speak it. I am to him as she was to me. If I am correct to be angry with her, how much more right will he have to be angry at me?
I am an Allesha, no longer innocent or blameless. I am fully involved, and whatever I do will have implications for our future, for good or ill. You, my dear Dov, are only my First Boy, my first attempt to do it right. One of many to come, if I continue.
But damn it all, you’re my Dov, and I won’t let them devour you.
“You know, Tayar, the day’s still young. We could visit Le’a, instead of go right home,” Dov said. “What do you think?”
“Why don’t you go see her? I have things to do.”
“Are you sure? Do you think you should be alone right now?”
“Of course I’m sure. She’ll be delighted to see you.”
He embraced her, and she felt her body flow into his, finding the warmth the sun had denied her. Then she watched him as he tramped off. So confident and alive. At least she could take comfort in knowing she had achieved that much for the boy. If only she could be sure that he would feel the same way tomorrow. She considered going to see Caith, but rejected the idea because she knew she had much to do to prepare herself for the evening.
Dear sweet Dov, she thought, I hope you will forgive me. That you’ll be more generous with me than I could be with Savah.
Chapter 62
Tayar/Rishana opened her outer door and sank onto the vestibule bench, relieved to be home. Before removing her boots, she closed her eyes and retreated into the comforting quiet. Some calming breaths helped her focus and relax, but didn’t salve her anger or shame.
“Hello, Rishana.”
Rishana’s eyes flew open at the shock of hearing another person so close. Silently, Kiv had appeared in the open outer doorway.
“Kiv! You surprised me.” She heard the vibrato of fear in her own words and tried to soften it with a belated smile.
“May I come in?”
“Of course.” Rishana struggled to normalize her voice, to give the outward appearance of courteous welcome. When she leaned down to remove her boots, Kiv closed the outer door behind her, signaling passersby that Rishana wasn’t accepting visitors. How presumptuous! But Rishana refrained from objecting and suppressed the vague sense of threat that bubbled in her stomach. Better to see the moment out, observe and learn.
“Will your boy be at Dara’s long enough for us to have tea?” Kiv asked as they entered the greeting room.
Has Kiv been watching us? Is that how she knows Dov’s whereabouts? Or is she pointedly giving me the benefit of the doubt that my Winter Boy is under control, unlike the time she found him near the Communal Hall?
“He shouldn’t be back for about an hour.”
“Good.” Kiv led the way into Rishana’s kitchen, sat down and waited for the young Allesha to put the kettle on the stove, set the table, and arrange cheese and crackers on a platter. At no time did Kiv pretend to offer assistance. Nor did she say anything more until Rishana sat opposite her and poured their tea.
“What would you say if I offered you an opportunity to avenge yourself on the men who killed your husband?” Kiv asked calmly, as though it were an ordinary, everyday kind of question.
Rishana almost choked on the cracker in her mouth. “I don’t know how to respond.
I’m assuming you’re being rhetorical.”
“If I weren’t, would you want to know, to help?”
Kiv’s eyes drilled into Rishana so intensely that the young Allesha wondered what Kiv thought she could see. Was she that adept at reading the signs? Or that clumsy?
“What are you asking, Kiv? Do you want to know if I am willing to put my hand to a knife or a gun to kill another human being?”
Slowly, Kiv put down her mug, dabbed her lips with her napkin, then said, “You wouldn’t necessarily need to handle the weapon yourself, if that would be distasteful to you.”
“Kiv, I’m speechless. It’s all so inconceivable.”
“Beyond the shock, what’s your reaction? Not what you want to say, but how you feel. Deep down in that part of you that still grieves for Jared, do you hate the men who butchered him?”
“Of course I do, though I wish I didn’t,” Rishana reluctantly admitted.
“Yet, that hate is one of the truest things about you.” Kiv’s voice had a lilt, as though the words gave her joy.
“I hope not. I wouldn’t want to think the core of my being is rooted in hate.”
“No, not rooted — forced by circumstances and the Mwertik to face hard realities.”
“Yes,” Rishana said softly, feeling the weight of her own defeat. Unable to resist Kiv’s insistent, almost hypnotic gaze, she diverted herself by taking another cracker and a chunk of cheese. But she didn’t eat. Instead, she nervously arranged and rearranged the cheese, trying to center it on the cracker.
“Think back, Rishana, to when you first heard of Jared’s murder.”
Realizing what she was doing, Rishana withdrew her hands into her lap and stared at them. “If I had been there with Jared, in the Red Mountains, I’ve no doubt I would have shot, knifed, clawed, done anything to beat them off him.”
“Anything? Would you have killed them?”
“In the heat of that moment, what else could I have done?” Tayar’s fists twisted white-knuckled into each other, but she would not cry. She refused to give her tears to Kiv.
The Winter Boy Page 38