“What the hell do I do now?”
She turned to look at him. “Yes, it is difficult.”
“No, not difficult — impossible!”
“I don’t believe that, not for you. And I’m here. I’ll always be here whenever you need me.”
“Why? Because we have an Agreement, a contract?”
“No, because you’re my Winter Boy.”
“If you want, I’ll release you from the Agreement.”
“You don’t have the power to do so, Dov. No one does.”
“I bet that isn’t true. They’ve just never had anything like this before.”
“Don’t you understand? It isn’t about a contract; it never was. It’s us. Tayar and Dov. We’re a team. You’re now part of me, for the rest of my life.”
“But, hell’s fires, I’m Mwertik!”
“Yes.” She wanted to say so much more, but realized that her reassurances would sound hollow, meaningless to him. “I’ll be in the inner room. I hope you’ll join me.”
Dov didn’t answer; he didn’t even seem to hear her.
Chapter 64
Tayar waited for Dov in the inner room pool longer than was comfortable. Waterlogged and dejected, she toweled herself dry, climbed up to a low platform, lit a candle and tried a calming meditation. She didn’t expect it to work. The next thing she knew, she was struggling out of a deep, dark abyss of sleep. How long had Dov been sitting beside her, staring at her? Was it his presence that had awakened her? She closed her eyes and focused inward, clearing her mind for the ordeal ahead.
“Dov.” Tayar toned her voice to be a soft invitation, to speak or touch or do whatever he needed.
But Dov didn’t move, didn’t even acknowledge that she had spoken. She touched his arm, a single gentle stroke. His eyes followed her hand down his arm, grabbing it when she reached his fingers, pushing it with his full weight against the carpet, covering her body with his.
She lay still and passive under him, accepting the press of flesh pushing her into the deep pile of the carpet. With rough caresses, his one free hand stroked her body between them, probing and demanding. Not cruel, just thoughtless, an attempt to drive thought away while reasserting that he did indeed belong here, in the inner room, with his Allesha. All this she understood and accepted, even when he entered her with no preliminaries, ramming his need deep into her.
Suddenly, he pulled out, moving as far away as he could on that platform. He clutched his legs into his torso and dropped his head onto his knees, making a tight knot of his body. Then he cried, though the only sign of it was a soundless heaving.
Moving quietly to sit only inches away from Dov, Tayar watched him. She ached to reach out, to smooth away the anguish throbbing beneath his skin, to assure him that everything would be fine, that his world hadn’t suddenly collapsed, that the two of them could put his life back together. Instead, she disciplined herself, vowing to remain silent rather than offer false hope.
Eventually, his body stilled. He wiped his face against his knees and sat up. Seeing Tayar watching him, Dov straightened his back against the upcurve of the platform and returned her gaze with his old arrogance. “Gawking at a Mwertik? Is it a new experience for you? What do you think you see?”
Breaking eye contact just as she would with a wild animal she didn’t want to provoke, Tayar retreated to sit against the opposite wall.
“How long have you known?” He asked, but didn’t give her a chance to answer. “Oh, of course. That day you disappeared. No wonder you were so frightened. A Mwertik for your First Boy! Does Le’a know?” He slapped his head. “Of course she knows. She’s known from the beginning, hasn’t she? His Allesha. He tells her everything.” Dov’s eyes glistened with new tears that he angrily wiped away with the back of his hand.
“Dov…” Tayar tried to gentle him with her voice and demeanor, but he would have nothing of it, swatting the air between them as though he were physically pushing her away.
“And the old woman today… I bet she knows too. That’s what the both of you meant with your nonsense about different kinds of truth. Alleshine blather to make your lies palatable. Well, I don’t swallow that, either. Truth is truth. Skies! Mwertik!”
No, Tayar realized, Dov had a right to rant. Even if she could soften the blow, it would be doing him a disservice. She leaned back, took a deep breath and tried to let it flow over her. But it was difficult not to cringe in the face of his fury, not to absorb his pain into herself. To wait until he was ready for her to help him.
“Who else knew? Jared?”
Hearing Jared’s name used with such vehemence was a knife in her heart.
“That’s why he was so nice to me, so attentive. He was keeping an eye on me.” He expelled a lungful of air. “Damn. I thought Jared liked me just for me.”
“He did, Dov.”
If he heard Tayar’s whisper, he ignored it.
“What about that nosey old biddy? The one who found me that time I got lost. That’s why she hated me so much, wasn’t it?”
“She knows nothing of it.” Tayar enunciated each word, forcing him to hear what he must not forget. “We must keep it that way. She’s dangerous.” Tayar shuddered, picturing Kiv’s sharp-featured face and chill resolve. “She hates the Mwertik.”
“Who doesn’t?” Something deflated within Dov when he said it, rounding his shoulders and slightly softening the ridges of taut muscles in his legs, arms and neck.
“Until we can answer that with assurance, we must keep all of this a secret.”
“More lies?”
Tayar was relieved to hear the sharp edge of Dov’s disapproval, not unlike her own. No, he would not be defeated. Not now, not ever. Even in the midst of this night’s horror, he demanded, probed, refused to blindly accept. “No, not lies. Silence — for your protection,” she said.
“Protection?” He rolled the word over his tongue, as though he were trying to digest it. “What is it you fear?”
“I can’t really say.”
“Damn it! After all this, you still won’t be honest with me.”
“Dov, you have to believe me. Your life depends on listening to me right now and doing as I say. You mustn’t tell anyone. No one. Definitely not that woman.”
“But she’s an Allesha.”
Tayar couldn’t fail to recognize the many conflicting undertones coloring his use of the title. Nor could she blame him. “Yes.”
“She’ll know the minute she sees me again.”
“You should know better than that by now. We have no magic, no ability to read minds. All we do is recognize and understand the signs in whatever is before us. But we’re not infallible. There are ways to dissemble.”
“But you haven’t said why. What exactly is it you fear?”
“Something’s happening. I can feel it brewing, boiling over, but I don’t know what it is. All I know is you’re in danger — very real danger. Just because I can’t read the future doesn’t negate that one horrible fact. Dov, please promise me you’ll lock this secret up tightly within yourself until we can find out more.”
“It isn’t like I’d want to brag about it.”
“I’m not talking about words alone. You must guard even your thoughts, so nothing becomes evident.”
“But—”
“Dov, you must listen to me. We both know there are those who hate the Mwertik so deeply they would attack, even kill, without thought.”
“Can you blame them? I don’t.”
“Even now?”
“Just because their blood runs in my veins,” he slapped his forearm, “doesn’t mean I suddenly no longer hate them. They disgust me. Animals!”
“Animals?” Tayar lingered on the word, lengthening it to give him time to make the connection.
“That’s why you kept harping on that idea, isn’t it? That only the unknown enemy can be seen as less than human.” He mouthed the dictum, twisting it with his revulsion.
“Does it no longer make sense to y
ou when it’s now so personal?”
“It’s always been personal.”
“In what way?” she asked, pushing him to think it out.
“They’re out to annihilate us. You can’t say you don’t hate them for that.”
“Dov, I’ve had more reason than you can imagine to despise them.”
“You mean you’ve met Mwertik? Before, I mean?”
“No, never.” She paused, not wanting to tell him, knowing she had to. “They killed someone I loved. My husband. They butchered him with no provocation just because he was where they were, I suppose.” Would there ever be a time when she would remember without dying a bit more inside?
“How can you stand to be here with me? A cursed Mwertik!” He choked on the name. “You didn’t know, did you? When you chose me, I mean.”
Taken aback by the abrupt swerve of his thoughts, Tayar didn’t have a suitable response.
“No,” he answered for her. “I know you didn’t. They tricked you, too — Mistral and Le’a, or whatever her real name is — and that old woman today. They tricked both of us. That’s why you were so uncomfortable about going with me to see her. Skies! I actually apologized to her.” Dov’s upper lip curled with dark irony. “Would you have even Blessed me if you had known?”
“I honestly can’t say. But if I hadn’t chosen you, it would have been a terrible loss never to have known you, never to have shared these months.” Tayar shook her head slowly, feeling the sadness as deeply as if she were about to lose Dov, just as she had lost nearly everyone else.
“So the only reason I’m here is because of a bunch of lies.”
Tayar fought to wrest control from his careening emotions. “You’re here because you belong here.”
“How can you say that?”
“Who is more suited to say it? I’m your Allesha.”
“Only because they lied to you, too. Wait a minute!” Dov leaned forward and poked his forefinger in her direction. “It was Jared, wasn’t it? The Alleman who was killed by the Mwertik? Your husband. I knew I’d heard you use the same tone before. That helpless anger with the pitch toward betrayal. It was when we were talking about Jared being dead and how I’d never see him again. When you read his journal to me.”
Tayar didn’t know how to answer, then realized that Dov had heard the truth in her voice. She lowered her head in a single nod.
“Hell, I don’t understand how you can stand to have me touch you.” Dov clutched his legs to his chest once more, but didn’t burrow into them. Instead, he stared into the space in front of him, not really seeing her or the room. “What does it mean to be a Mwertik?” He seemed to be asking himself as much as he was asking her. “All I’ve ever believed is dead.”
“Not the essentials.”
“I’m Mwertik. Everything I’ve ever hated, that anyone I’ve ever cared about hates.” He struck his chest with his fist. “Mwertik. It sickens me to think it.”
“I understand, but—”
“Don’t. Not now. I don’t think I could take it right now. That Alleshine thing you do that contorts everything into a lesson, into making me think the way you want me to think.”
Unable to deny that he was right about the Alleshi, about herself, Tayar didn’t respond. She felt his eyes on her and knew he was studying her, seeking the signs he’d learned to read so well.
“Damn! You agree, don’t you?”
She dared not be pulled by his questions into more dead ends. Of course, she agreed with him. But what value would there be for her to unburden herself when he needed her to be strong and sure, to be his Allesha? “Dov, you’re asking so many questions at once. Don’t you think it would be better if we followed one thought all the way through rather than scattering our energies?”
“Okay, tell me; why am I here? And don’t go into your litany about me becoming a great Alleman.”
“I chose to Bless you with this Season because I believed in you and your potential.” Tayar raised her hand to forestall his protest. “But, yes, there is more to it. Dov, did you mean what you said about what you want to achieve as an Alleman?”
“You’re evading me again.”
“No, I’m going right to the heart of your question. You said you wanted to end the pain, to find a way to stop the cycle of anger and hatred. You’re here because you, more than anyone else, may be able to do just that, by taking advantage of your rights and heritage as the son of the Mwertik headman.”
“And you think they’ll just let me walk in and take over? I won’t even get near enough to speak to them before they kill me.”
“Then we’ll have to find a way for you to approach them safely.”
Dov stood abruptly. “You’re all lunatics! There’s no way I’m going to just put my head on the chopping block.” He towered over her, a shadowy figure with only parts of his face and body illuminated by the single candle
“I agree,” she said softly.
“What?” Dov stared down at Tayar.
“I agree with you, Dov.”
“Then what’s all this about?” He sat down heavily on the edge of the platform. “What am I supposed to do?”
“I don’t really know. Not yet. But we’ll figure it out together.”
“Together?”
“Dov, the only course we have is the one we’re already on. But we can focus the rest of your Season to give you the training you need to protect yourself and find your own path.”
Dov rubbed his face vigorously. “I’ve complicated everything for you, haven’t I? It would have been better if I’d never come here. Better for both of us.”
“But if we can find a way for you to help heal our Peace…”
“Yes, you’re right. What does one life mean compared to that?”
“Everything.” The single word encompassed so much, she couldn’t find the energy to follow the many directions her thoughts tugged her. “One life means everything.”
“You’re being sentimental again.”
“No, just hopeful.”
“Even now?”
“Especially now, because you are here with me, in our inner room. It’s a beginning.”
“And an end,” he said bitterly.
“Yes,” Tayar sighed, feeling worn thin.
“There’s no doubt, is there?” he asked, his voice low, almost inaudible.
“About you being Mwertik?” She shook her head. “None.”
“You should have told me sooner, Tayar.”
“Perhaps.”
Exhausted, they eventually ran out of words and sat in the silence of their thoughts. Tayar didn’t know which one of them fell asleep first, collapsing where they sat. But some time in the night, they ended up curled into each other. Whether it was because their bodies drifted together out of habit or because Dov had pulled her toward him, she wasn’t sure.
Chapter 65
“I’ve decided I won’t visit Le’a today,” Dov said as they sat down at the breakfast table.
“What?” All morning, the boy had been saying and doing things that had caught Tayar off balance.
“I don’t want to see her right now.” After placing choice bits of his food onto their offering saucer, he poured apple juice into her glass, then his. “These eggs smell delicious.” He placed a forkful onto his tongue, closed his eyes and savored the flavors.
It wasn’t just Dov’s words or actions. He still filled the room, but no longer rippled the very air with his energy. Instead, he now harnessed that energy, drawing it inward, as quiet as a sheathed knife.
“Le’a is an important part of your Season.” She added her offering to his and began to eat, putting effort into making the meal and their discussion seem effortless.
“I don’t trust her.” Not a complaint or question. A simple, forceful statement of fact.
“You don’t have to, but she has knowledge and skills you will need.”
“How can I be sure she’ll teach me true and not sabotage me?”
“Because she
thinks you’re her creation and will be her tool.”
“Yes, that makes sense. But not today. I’ll go tomorrow… maybe.” He looked up from buttering his toast. “What are your plans for me?”
Tayar would not allow herself to pause before answering; he’d become too skilled at reading her fears and concerns. “To continue your training, but to add more survival skills. I don’t think we can wait for your apprenticeship for you to learn how to protect yourself.”
“You mean I’m still going to have an apprenticeship?”
“Of course.” Sipping her juice, she studied him over the rim of the glass, giving her eyes a twinkle of familiarity to disarm her intensity.
Dov acknowledged her warm gaze with a half smile that came more from his mind than his heart. “But I’m Mwertik. What Alleman would be willing to take me?” He picked up his fork, then put it back down on his plate without using it. “Oh, of course! But is it within code to assign me to my own father, or the man everyone thinks is my father?”
Tayar was disconcerted by how quickly his mind grasped what she was just beginning to understand. “We don’t know that’s what they plan.”
“He’s the obvious choice. The only one who makes any sense. Bet they were planning to put me with Jared before he was killed. I would have liked that. But Mistral…”
Tayar clamped her mind against the might have beens — of growing old and comfortable with Jared, surrounded by their children and grandchildren, and welcoming apprentices such as Dov into her home.
“Maybe Tedrac. He is the third of their Triad. He’s a respected scholar, and you’d do well to learn from him, especially about strategy and long-range planning.” She pictured Tedrac, with his fine pale face, massive body and incisive mind. “But, no, he doesn’t have the skills you’ll need beyond our borders. Nor, as far as I know, does he have Mistral’s expertise regarding the Mwertiks. The more I consider it, no other Alleman I know would be as suitable as Mistral for your apprenticeship. He has knowledge and skills you’ll require, and a father’s need to see you succeed. Besides, you’d be safe with him.”
The Winter Boy Page 40