by Monroe, Anya
Love Rewards the Brave
Anya Monroe
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, either living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2015 Anya Monroe All rights reserved.
ISBN:1511751975 ISBN-13: 978-1511751971
For the ones
from hard
places
for the ones
who are still
there
for the ones
who
believe
in
change
for the ones
willing to
fight
for the ones
who are
lost
for the ones
waiting to be
found.
1.
She keeps bringing this story up.
Every week I come here
it’s always the same.
Wanting the story
wanting my take
what’s she gonna do if I say
yes?
If I say
no?
I don’t answer at all.
There’s no way
to explain that I wasn’t
able to save us.
I tried.
But trying got us nothing but
a social worker, a foster mom
a CPS report a mile long.
I’ve kept my mouth shut for so long
not knowing it would cost me us
a lifetime of innocence
of providence
there’s no rainbow coming through my window.
Just one little girl tryin' to help
one little boy and at the end of the day
it don't matter
we're both of us
all of us
destroyed.
It started so long ago
an alter ego.
When I was little it didn't seem so bad.
Just help him stay
clean
warm
dry.
Stay out of the way of the tornado.
Don't make him mad
by making her mad.
Keep 'em happy
keep your head down
way down to the ground
and don't look up.
Just stay still.
Still frame life is what I've been livin'
eight years since the baby brother watchin'
TV, me keepin' him alive.
Now he's all grown, too, but he talks
talks a lot.
A lot more than me.
I'd whisper quiet in the dark
shush now
lullaby
goodnight.
But he won’t stay still
not when the boogieman comes out to play.
He says Louisa Stand Up.
He says Louisa Fight Back.
But I was always the
good girl
scared girl
scarred girl.
"Louisa, I need your help with these questions. You’ve been quiet for a really long time, do you realize that? Can you tell me about the first time you tried to protect Benji?" asks Terry.
How do you tell someone
anyone
the only one
the reason?
The truth isn't so black and white.
It’s only you and me in this room
and when it comes down to it
the shame of it
is too scary
too real
to admit.
"Okay, Louisa, I hope next week you’ll be ready to talk a bit because I want to help you out of this place you’re in right now, okay?
2.
I go down the hall
to the waiting room and find Ms. Francine
sitting in the threadbare chair
knitting a scarf
to wrap tight around my neck.
She'd said to me,
"Louisa what’s you favorite color, for the yarn?"
"Gray."
Gray like the sky
like the birds of a feather waiting to take flight
like the wings of a plane high in the night sky.
Gray is everything but black and white.
So Ms. Francine’s been waiting here for me
knitting my scarf while I
sit with Terry.
The lady paid each week to ask me questions
and tell me stories
and make me feel
less like
I
Am
Alone.
Terry’s such a dumbass.
Thinks I’m going to be her very best friend
like somehow me telling her
the bad
will make it all good?
It’s been two years already
why would I change now?
"Where's Benji? I thought he was getting dropped off here?" I ask.
"The house called and cancelled, he's had a bad day. I'm sorry, Louisa."
Always sorry
tryin' to make things right
nice and tight
Ms. Francine never saw a bad day in her whole life.
"It's cool, I mean, I didn't really care, you know how Benji gets when he comes over."
Like he wants to fight.
Before he comes he calls and says I miss you, sis.
I want things back like they were, sis.
Before the
mis-takes
mis-steps
mis-deeds.
Back in the day
when we'd lay
in the dark
sharing our heart of hearts.
But now when he comes over
Ms. Francine makes us something
good to eat.
Like banana bread or cherry pie.
He throws the plate
and yells at her
at me
runs away
far away
in the corner of the room.
He’s so close but goes so far away
deep inside.
"I know, Louisa. We both know he has a lot of stuff to work through. Still, I know how much seeing him means to you."
We walk out the doors.
My home away from home:
Child Services Office.
Missing Benji turns my heart stone.
3.
I've been living with Ms. Francine for almost
a year now.
Before that Benji and I were in a different
foster home,
together.
It got to be too hard
to take care of us him.
So they split us up
me with Ms. Francine
him in a facil
it
y.
A facility is a nice way of saying
'House for Effed Up Kids'.
Benji's twelve, still such a little boy.
A little boy who needs his family.
Needs me.
I go straight to my room when we get home.
I like Ms. Francine, she never yells
when I stay in my room for hours
or gets mad about the clothes I wear
or cares when I dye my hair.
It's not that she doesn't care
it's like she gets it.
Right now my hair is light with some purple streaks
bottom half of my head is shaved
and I got Jess to give me a nose ring.
My old foster mom –– she would have flipped out
&nbs
p; yelling all crazy and stuff
but Ms. Francine just kinda smiled and said, “It might look better with a purple stud.”
4.
Jess thinks Ms. Francine must be
a witch or
a hippie or
a communist.
She’s always having friends over for no reason.
They make weird food
like gluten-free egg rolls with seaweed
and talk about the War on Terror and
she has this book on the coffee table called
Palm Reading For Dummies.
I know Ms. Francine is just an
Organic Liberal Librarian
who’s into politics,
but Jess thinks there has got to be something more to it.
Like, why is she a foster mom anyway?
5.
In my room I pull out my phone.
Louisa: I'm bored. Benji cancelled. Come over.
Jess: My mom says I have 2b here 4 dinner 2nite.
Lousia: F that.
Jess: Can U come here?
Louisa: K. I'll ask Ms. F
I open my door, leaning over the banister, yelling, "Ms. Francine, can you drive me to Jess's for dinner?"
No answer.
Ms. Francine has a few rules
one of them being talk in a quiet voice.
Maybe because she works at a library.
I walk downstairs to the living room.
Ms. Francine has her legs up
reading glasses on
knitting while watching the evening news.
"Hey, can you drive me to Jess's? Her mom said I can have dinner there."
"Not tonight, Louisa, I made us a nice dinner thinking Benji would be here. How about tomorrow?"
I hate that.
Her
saying no.
Not thinking about what I want need.
My brother has gone all crazy on me
I just want to see
a friend.
Someone who will make it all right
bright
make me feel less alone tonight.
"Whatever. I didn't want to go anyway."
I walk up to my room, put on my headphones,
and lay on my bed until
morning.
6.
My mind always goes back to the same
place when I’m alone.
Always back to a little girl
meeting her monster.
I go down the hall
the long dark hall
when I hear his call.
See, he’s done with her
and now he wants me.
Thinking if he gets what he wants
maybe he will somehow be
set free.
But it doesn't work that way.
You get what you pay for.
I paid nothing
yet the price is as high as my life
so I close my eyes knowing it’s always better me
than Benji.
He’s still so small
won't make the fall.
This has been my life for all of my days.
So I stand up tall
tall as I can in my nine-year-old frame
knowing that it won't last that long
won’t hurt so bad
that it’s always the same.
The same belt being pulled tight against my legs
my back feeling the brunt of his rage.
If there was a cage
I'd crawl so far inside
deep inside and hang up high.
Close the door swallow the key
only then would I feel free.
Free from him and the man he is.
Daddy is not a word in our little family vocabulary.
More like gravedigger
heartbreaker
beat me up and throw me down
the only way he treats me.
I figure
the only way he knows how.
So I walk down that hall
like I do so many nights
when her cries have stopped,
but his have not
and I don't want the bed bugs to bite.
Bite him,
my little Benji Boy.
He’s who will get the blow if I don't go.
I’ll always go
for him.
I would do anything
travel to the ends of the earth
the only family I know
one little boy and
one desperate girl
to keep the only thing I’ve ever known together
so it’s all chaos and cold and empty,
but it’s also my
family.
Down the hall I go
to the room that holds the night crawler
of a father
who finds what he wants in the dark
and the smell of his breath tells me it's time.
So I close my eyes tighter than I know how
and go to the place only I travel to.
A place that’s safe for me.
It’s full of princessdresses
fairywings
it’s princeinshiningarmordreams.
It’s my nine-year-old wishcometrue
escape from the truth
from the sucker punch
bombshell
blast in the face
a broken wrist on the bloodstained ground
that keeps me home for days.
It’s the meadow
brightwhite
blueskyplace
I go
when everything else becomes gray.
7.
The next morning in the
kitchen, I head back to reality.
"Louisa, when you do that, stay in your room and refuse to come out, the only person you’re hurting is yourself.”
I keep my eyes straight ahead
keep them frozen in time and space.
Ms. Francine thinks she has
a handle on guilt trip
thinks she’ll get to me because of it.
I don't want none of it.
"You can't shut the world out and then think things will go the way you want. That's not how the world works."
So then how does the world work, Ms. Francine?
Seems to me every goddamned day
of my life was ruled that way.
Treat me bad
break me down
then have me get up
stand up
keep me bound
to you.
"If this is going to go well, between you and me, there needs to be more respect. Are you even listening to me?”
8.
What me?
Not good enough
always messing it up enough?
What am I supposed to do here?
Laugh?
Cry?
Tell Ms. Francine it will all be A-OK?
"Look, all I’m saying, Louisa, is that when someone makes you a meal, it’s important to acknowledge that. When someone does something nice for you, you should thank them."
She’s up close now
wanting me to say something.
I’m doing my best to hold my breath
knowing that’s death
for people like Ms. Francine
who need to hear words to make their world make sense.
"Okay, Ms. Francine,” I say.
Smile big and pretty now.
Why can't I do the right thing now?
Say things that are true.
Tell Ms. Francine it's not you.
It never is.
It's about me
the girl without anything.
And now you tell me
again
how the things I do
are never right
and I know you aren't saying that,
but I swear when your lips move
all I think
is that once again
I’ve not measured up for
someone.
"Louisa, I just wish you’d say something about why you’re acting this way. It feels like you’re being mean on purpose and I’ll just chalk it up to missing Benji. But next time…there really shouldn't be a next time."
Her hands sit on heavyset hips,
black tunic over her black pants.
Black on black.
Breathe in deep
closes her eyes, thinks.
"You need to go or you’ll be late."
9.
So I run on the bus
knowing I don't want to cry.
I don't want to be that girl.
You know?
The one who cares.
Jess is waiting for me.
Pats the seat.
Jess is all-tough
just like me
we’re one in the same.
Gauges in her ears
head shaved bare
ink on her arm.
How she pulled off getting it at sixteen is beyond me.
An older boyfriend she said, at her cousin’s house.
She wanted to be a rock star then so
he said she needed to prove it.
Next thing she knew
she had a giant tattoo.
A star and a moon.
Far in the distance
like another galaxy.
"Sometimes I wish I could leave this place."
She said when I asked her why outer space.
We both knew we wished
we.could.go.away.
Her –– away from high school hell
Me –– away from all the things I
lived through
but promised not to tell.
10.
I get off the bus with my best friend forever.
My only friend in forever.
Why is it that a friend showed up when everyone else left?
I thought it was the other way around.
Friends will go, but family is forever?
It's all bullshit.
Her mom made a good dinner, I missed out, she says.
Ms. F was being a be-otch I say