by N. Godwin
By ten I realize he’s right, I’m becoming acquainted with muscles I never knew how to hurt before. By nineteen I’m moving stiffly and very slowly but I’m into a rhythm now. By twenty-nine I almost like the resistance. Rawly is standing over me critiquing my every move and counting pointedly slow.
“Thirty,” he says finally as I collapse into the grass. I can tell by his voice that he’s somewhat surprised. “Impressive what you can do when you push yourself, isn’t it?”
I flip over on my back and lie there a moment. I stretch my fingers out tall over my head and stretch down to my toes. I stare at the moon feeling incredibly satisfied with myself.
“Get up now, Helen,” Rawly says in a tight voice.
“Ah, no, I’ll think I’ll gloat an extra minute or two,” I say as I open my eyes to see Rawly towering over me with an odd expression on his face. His hands keep clenching and unclenching by his side.
“You don’t want to make me say it twice,” he threatens and lightly kicks the bottom of my sneaker.
Something in his voice, in his clenched fists, makes me stand quickly. I look away, at anything at the far end of the stadium as he composes himself.
“Okay,” Rawly sighs after a long pause. “Let’s work on some foot action. Come here and stand next to me.”
“Said the spider to the fly,” I can’t help but say as I oblige.
A moment later he deftly swings his right foot around and sweeps my legs out from under me. I fall back into the grass in surprise.
“Ouch!” I shout up at him.
“What did you say?” He curls his eyebrow at me.
“Wow, I said wow!” I shout back ignoring his proffered hand and standing quickly.
I rub my sore behind a moment and fake a smile until he surprises me again and repeats his gesture. I once again fall, this time not as smoothly though. He offers me his hand again and I give in deciding it was going to be a long night.
“Notice how important the element of surprise is with this movement. Grounding you the second time was harder. If your opponent knows you’re coming for him, Helen, this probably won’t work.”
“Yeah,” I say rubbing my butt again.
“Notice this. Watch my hip action,” he instructs and sweeps his body around in slow motion. “Tilt your pelvis until its one solid sweep with your leg. Let’s see you do it.”
I feel a little stupid because this massive soldier knows exactly what I’m going to do and is ready and waiting. As I make my sloppy attempt he sweeps around with his left leg this time and I hit the ground again.
“Just don’t tell me that was your best shot.” He scowls standing over me surveying me critically as I climb clumsily back up on my feet. “Forget I asked,” he sighs. “Again!” he insists.
He is just too powerful and I am a klutz so he grounds me again and again. By my eleventh try I’m breathless and pretty well on my way to completely frustrated.
“It’s your hip action, Helen,” Rawly offers. “It’s practically nonexistent. Just pretend you’re having really great se--. Hum..? Let’s try another tack. Do you know how to dance?”
“Of course I can dance!”
“Indeed? When was the last time?”
“Ah, May 5th.”
“Of what year?” he laughs. “No, don’t say it; your senior prom two years ago, right?” He groans when I nod. “Helen, Helen, Helen, you’ve got to get a life.” He is laughing as I stand. “So, what’d you do on May 5th, Helen, dance with the girls?”
“So?!”
“Have you ever danced with a man?”
“Ah, sure, I guess so.”
“Uh huh, and when you were dancing with this man remember his hip-action when he placed his hands behind your hips and pulled you into him? Remember the grinding sensation and you have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.” He breathes out hard with a loud sputter. “Have you ever actually danced with a guy?”
“Well, yeah. Hobie had to be taught and --”
Rawly looks up at the stars and shakes his head. “Can’t dance, can’t scre--”
“Are we here to be soldiers and fight or are we here to dance?”
“Hell, woman, I’m not sure you know the difference!”
“You’re mocking me again!”
“Damn straight!”
I twist my leg around suddenly, smoothly before he realizes what I’m doing and I clumsily miraculously sweep his legs out from under him. He comes toppling down hard on top of me and we hit the ground with a solid thud. His legs are sprawled all across me and he’s almost winded me, but I can still laugh, and I do, oh yes I do.
Rawly rolls over on his side and studies my satisfaction as I tell him how funny he looked and how good if finally felt to bring his condescending butt crashing to the ground. He doesn’t bat an eye, just listens to me triumph. Suddenly he springs like a viper, rolling over on top of me and pinning my arms up over my head as he balances over me.
“What are you doing?!”
“Play stupid games, win stupid prizes!” he hisses through clenched teeth. “Now, go ahead, genius, try to get yourself out of the stupid situation you’ve gotten yourself into.” He forcibly pushes my legs apart with his knees and straddles me as his hips fall roughly against mine while I sputter in anger and struggle. “Come on, Helen,” he taunts, “you just foolishly taken your adversary down to the ground with you, now try to stop him from doing as he damn well pleases.” He smiles brutally and begins to slowly gyrate his pelvis against mine with his eyes trained on my face.
I am so surprised by the sensation of his grinding that I’m barely coherent. Every fiber of my being is tensed almost to the point of spasm. His weight is oppressive and I try to move but can’t because I am pinned to the ground. All I can do is feel as he thrusts his body faster and faster against me with glazed eyes that scare me.
“No, Rawly! You--you better stop right now!”
He doesn’t relent, just holds my arms on the ground as he leans down to speak gruffly in my ear. “There are only two reasons to get your opponent on the ground in hand to hand combat. The first is to kill or immobilize. If you can get him down chances are pretty good you can kill him in the next move.” He lifts his head up and stares down at me. “The second reason deals with carnal pleasures. Is that what you have in mind, Helen? Do you want to rape me?” He leans down and sucks on my neck, then ends on a bite.
“I hate you!”
“Good, hate me. At least it’s an emotion!”
“Please stop this, Rawly!” I beg. “Please!”
He relents a little and stops grinding his hips against mine. He takes my face in his hand. “Stop this nonsense and just kiss me, Helen. Please. Just kiss me. Kiss me and see what happens,” he pleads softly as he lowers his face down to mine and I jerk my head to the side. “Listen to me, Helen. Listen,” he whispers with the wind. “Take a leap of faith. Just kiss me and all this will all make sense.”
I turn my face towards his, and lick my lips, watching as he closes his hooded eyes and lowers his mouth down to mine. As his lips brush mine I sink my teeth into his bottom lip and bite down as hard as I can, breaking his skin. His eyes flash open wide in surprise and I let go of his lip as he pushes up on his hands balancing over me while his pelvis slams mine against the ground and I groan loudly. He stares down at me silently, blood dripping from his bottom lip.
“Not a wise choice, Helen. See, you’ve only made me mad. Never make your opponent mad,” he ends in whispers.
As he grinds into me it feels like someone is trying to ram a Billy-club up inside me because there is a hard and painful throbbing pulsating between my legs. Blood drips from his bottom lip as he stares into my horrified eyes and pounds me against the ground rubbing his body desperately against me, and he begins to tremble violently. His erection throbs between my legs and thighs separated only by the textures of the fabrics between us as he leans down to whisper in my ear.
“Come on, finish what you started!” he insist
s. “Is this how you want it to be, baby? I hope you like it rough because your opponent won’t be gentle. Once he’s down on the ground with you all he’s going to be able to think about is fucking you, hard, like this!” Rawly insists and slams me back hard against the damp grass as I cry out. “And apparently you’re just going to lie back and take it. Tsk, tsk, tsk; you didn’t think your options through, again,” he says in a husky voice as he closes his eyes as he moans.
“Damn you!”
“Damn you!” he hisses back. “Aah!”
His hips are grinding against me as my legs flail in the air while he transfers both of my hand into one vice grip then slowly begins to move his free hand down over my stomach and side grabbing my hips up off the ground and wiggling his pelvis around against me until I’m afraid he might be able to penetrate inside me fully clothed.
He rubs me against him as he whispers in my ear: “Put your legs around my waist, baby. Squeeze me tight,” he says as I try to shove him away with all my might.
“Stop it! Please, Rawly, stop!” I can’t breathe. I can’t! This has to stop!
I try to scream but his weight is oppressive, his musky scent, all his grunts and groaning are too oppressive, too much and I have foolishly lost control. He has lost control and is going to hurt me! My mind is spinning, my body hurts and is vibrating intermittent shudders and gasps. “Help!” I finally manage to shout. “Help me!” I cry.
I can’t help it. I hear a sob escape my lips as I struggle against him, trying vainly to move away.
“Damn it, Helen, put your fucking legs around my waist. And do it now!”
“I hate you!”
He grinds my body into his faster and faster. “Do it now!”
I can’t stop myself. I can’t, and I hear a sob escape my lips as I struggle against him, trying vainly to move away from the rock hard giant straddling me and demanding my submission.
Before I can respond we are suddenly surrounded by an endless sea of headlights and noise. I look over and am flooded by a wave of relief as I recognize their faces while their motorcycles encircle us. They drive around and around us honking their horns and hollering at the top of their lungs.
“Thank God!” Rawly groans into my neck. He lies against me for a moment longer then pushes off and drops to his back on the grass beside me. “Fuck!” he gasps covering his eyes with the back of his wrist.
I sit up and notice Salazar, Washington, Edwards, Alvarez, all eleven of them are here, and I have never been so pleased to see so many hormonally imbalanced men in my entire life!
“Just for the record, Helen,” Rawly says moving his hand away from his eyes and staring up into the stars, “bring your pretty little ass over here and climb on top of me.”
“You’re insane!”
“Probably, but if you want to learn the correct move to counter your rapist then you need to come over here and climb on top of me. I’ll teach you. I must be fucking nuts but, I’ll teach you!”
“Id rather kiss Alvarez!”
“That can be arranged. Now, get over here!”
“I must be completely insane,” I growl as I cautiously move over to him and carefully position myself over his body.
“Legs inside mine,” he goads, “I’m the girl, remember? Now bend your knees together and push against me hard, pretend you’re having your way with me. Move your hips into mine damn it! Just shut up and do it! There!” he orders in my ear as the SEALS circle and honk and laugh. I push against him lightly and turn my face away. “Feel what I’m doing, feel how my muscles tense around you,” he whispers as he wraps his thighs around my waist and squeezes me extremely hard. “Feel this!” he pants and gives a powerful jerk to the left, flipping us over on our sides.
I land in the grass and sit up in surprise and immediately cover my eyes in embarrassment and groan.
“God, I’m so sorry! I thought you were really trying to—I thought you wanted to—God! I’m just so embarrassed and sorry!”
“Don’t be!” he says scowling as he sits up and wipes his lip on the back of his hand. “What the fu-- maybe I should just give you a gun?” He stares at me shaking his head back and forth as if just realizing the full extent of my idiocy.
“Your mouth is bleeding,” I offer biting my bottom lip. “I hurt you.” I wipe my hand across my lips and notice his blood on my hand. “I am so sorry!”
“Helen, look at me. Look at me, damn it! Why do you think these men are here right now at precisely 2200 hours?” He wipes his mouth and looks at me incredulously.
“How do you know it’s precisely 2200 hours?”
“Because I gave them a specific order to—ah! God help me! Look, I wasn’t sure I was able…Well, yes I was sure I wasn’t able…Look…My want has turned to need, Helen. I’ve entered into no man’s land and my objectivity is gone. My heart is telling me the logical, that you’ll be mine, you have to be, but my head is telling me to run like hell.
“You’re still not getting this…” He sighs deeply. “Look, Helen, do you understand the basic concept of fight or flight, when to fight or when to run?” He looks deeply into my eyes and moans, “Ah, hell, baby-girl!”
He stands awkwardly and balances his hands on his knees, breathing erratically and throwing daggers at me with his eyes. I look away and stand waving at the SEALs while they run onto the field tossing a rugby ball between them.
“Washington!” Rawly yells still hunched over. “Front and center!” Washington sprints over to us.
Washington surveys the both of us critically. “Nice touch. Someone drew first blood I see. Smooth,” he deadpans to Rawly. “Impressive,” he says to me and nods with a giant smile.
Rawly meets his eyes and straightens up slowly. “Take her home,” he says.
“Too hot to tango?” Washington chuckles.
“Wait? What? Why?! I need to learn how to--”
“Get on that bike, Helen,” Rawly pants looking over my head. “Get away from me now.”
“Why?”
Rawly meets my eyes. “Because if you don’t obey me right now I’m going to throw you over my shoulder and carry you kicking and screaming—God help me, I think I might even enjoy the screaming part right now— under the bleachers to continue this lesson in a very messy, less civilized fashion. It is time for you to run. Do you understand now?”
I jerk my eyes away from his face quickly and study Washington’s vacant expression. “I don’t know,” I finally offer and frown. “I’ve never been on a motorcycle before.”
I jump when Rawly arches his back and raises his fists to the sky, erupting into a gut-busting frustrated battle cry to the moon. I step closer to Washington because Rawly looks like a maniacal Indian warrior the moment before he kills you. His howl is long and loud and dangerous, and every muscle in his body tenses as he bellows on and on and beats his chest with his fists. When he finally stops he doesn’t look at me again, just runs beyond me shouting orders, weaving around his men and knocking down anyone who happens into his path.
“Will one of you pussies tackle me and kick the living shit out of me!” he angrily commands.
Washington laughs and closes his eyes as every man on the field piles on top of Rawly, hooting and hollering like crazed teenagers. I look back at Washington and he is surveying me with a humorous smile.
“Man oh man,” he says, “I can’t wait to see your kids!”
“It’s exciting, Kelly!” I say showing her the photograph. “They’re Gene and Aretha Claude. They have an elephant preserve on their property in Live Oak and also an ostrich farm. How cool is that? And they have four other kids from--”
“Where’s Live Oak?” she asks again looking at the map and frowning.
“Right here,” Ken tells her smiling. “Close enough for us to come and party often,” he insists.
“They’re really awesome people,” I tell Kelly proudly. Ken and I both feel we’ve struck the mother-load with the Claude’s.
“Yeah, she’s a black anthrop
ologist and he’s a white French transplant, some kind of animal environmentalist,” Ken explains. “Man, these people are killer, Kelly! I like them a lot and they can’t wait to meet you.”
“They live on ten thousand acres, Kelly. That’s plenty of room for you and the babies to run and play. Cecile will love having the other kids to play with! And they have horses and--”
“Cecile loves you,” Kelly pouts and pushes the photograph away. “This is her home!”
Ken and I exchange glances. “Kelly,” I explain again, “the Claude’s are wonderful people who want to adopt you and give you a real family of your very own. You know Cecile needs more than this. You know this baby does too. You’ve got to think about what’s best for all of you.”
“Cecile’s happy here! What if she can’t be happy anywhere else?”
“Kelly, you know I don’t want Cecile to ever leave here, either,” I say. “Nothing’s more precious to me than she is. But that’s why we’ve got to think about what’s best for her, too, even though it hurts.”
Kelly’s face is twisted up in pain and I hug her into me and laugh when the baby kicks. “Sometimes doing the right thing hurts,” I tell her softly as Ken pats both our backs.
We have a moment hug in silence and Kelly shakes her head with resolve. “I’m going do the right thing,” she finally agrees and wipes her eyes with a napkin.
“Aw, hell,” Ken moans. “Here comes that blowhard HRS dude from hell!” We both moan and pat Kelly’s back before we jump into battle stations as Levi Washington bangs inside the quiet of our afternoon.
“It’s just so disturbing,” Eunice says. “I tell you, Jimmy-Sue the whole world is going straight to the devil!”
“It’s okay,” I say stroking her back and trying to calm her, thinking that Eunice’s new found quasi-sobriety has a sobering effect on her and she’s not sure what to make of all she’s begun to notice.
I am alone with Eunice and Andrea and Rush Limbaugh today because the surf is up and all the dudes and Halflings have taken the rest of the day off to soak up some sun and R&R. I push another box of chocolate covered cherries at Eunice and smile before I move on to wash the pots and pans.