by N. Godwin
“I warned you,” Rawly says impatiently, waiting for my face to betray something so he can get annoyed with me all over again. “If they go a week without a juvenile practical joke they turn into raving lunatics.”
“Yeah, we steal their clothes, too,” Alvarez laughs. “Except alls we usually get are their pant and lots and lots of panties.”
“Hey!” Ken says angrily. “That was you guys?”
“When?”
“Wednesday, two weeks ago.”
They consult for a moment. “Yeah, that was us,” McBain replies.
“Man, I had to walk home in my boxers!” Ken moans. “My date wore my clothes because you stole her dress! Not cool, man!”
While everyone laughs, Rawly leans over and gives me a humorless grin. “Satisfied?” he asks. “Go ahead; tell them what deviants they are.”
Everyone seems to get quiet at once as they wait for my response.
“You guys—.” I say and stop myself. I close my eyes and inhale deeply. “Y’all are naughty!” I say on my exhale as I open my eyes and smile, “for shame!” I say and wag my finger at them, then I laugh good and strong because, face it, breeder patrol is funny.
Rawly and Ken are both staring at me with looks of concern.
“Yo, Ken, dude,” Washington says. “Want to see some pictures?”
“Damn it, Helen! What in the hell is going on with you? Look me in the eyes and tell me!” Rawly demands. “Don’t give me that insipid little look. You tell me now! First you show us your legs. My men! Are you nuts? Then you touch me. You touch me, Helen and you know what that does to me. Then just now these buffoons tell you their favorite practical joke, all the gory details, and you don’t blush or gag or even get angry and lecture them. Not once!”
“Yeah,” I giggle cupping my chin in my hands and staring him eye to eye.
“Stop it, Helen.”
“Stop what, Harold?”
“You know damn-good and well what!”
“Tsk, tsk, tsk. Don’t you know how to flirt?”
“Care to step outside? I’ll show you how to flirt!”
“Really,” I ask, “down in the sand on the beach? Well, that’d certainly make for some interesting Christmas postcards.”
Rawly’s mouth is hanging open and I reach over and push it closed.
“Oh lighten up, Harold. I’m only joking. I do know how.”
He sighs and buries his face in his hands. A moment later he spreads his fingers and regards me through them. “Just when I think I’ve got a solid handle on you, you go and shift--. Ah… You know this! You’re doing this on purpose, to make me crazy, aren’t you?”
“Maybe.”
“Nothing you ever do could surprise me for long, Helen.”
“Wanna bet?”
“You owe me two more secrets, you know. Why not cash one in while you have the advantage?”
“Hum? Alright,” I say and lean up to whisper in his ear. “I’ve been thinking,” I say keeping my head tilted so he cannot read my eyes, “all week long, I mean, about this…sex thing.”
“Go on.” His whisper is barely audible.
I sigh, thinking of how many broken hearted stories I’d heard over the years from working in the cafe. “Have you ever noticed how most people believe their desires are sinful, as though they actually want what they desire to be sinful? They equate lust with love and erotic with forbidden. I guess they must like thinking of it that way, barbaric or naughty or just flat-out gross. On the one hand, they insist sex is perfectly natural and on the other hand so many of them insist on turning sex into an unholy mess.
“So, this morning I was thinking that, maybe, being at the opposite end of their spectrum isn’t such a bad thing? Maybe I can balance my needs and my beliefs--”
“What do you believe, Helen?”
“Ssh,” I whisper feeling slightly light-headed from his scent. “That’s another secret. Understand? Anyway, this morning I discovered something, a concept really, but perhaps, it certainly is possible, my problem isn’t physical but philosophical. Maybe physically I am no different from any other woman? And maybe, just maybe, I really can—well; anyway, you catch my drift.”
“God, I hope so!”
“Like you and Horst have said--well I ’m not a nun and apparently I’m supposed to learn some important lessons about all--. Well, anyway, I’m not a nun.”
“Are you talking about sex or love, Helen?” His eyes are burning and I look down because their passion embarrasses me and I don’t want to lose this newfound edge.
“I’m talking about sacred love between two people who are simpatico on every level; physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, even animal. Any thing less is an insult.”
“My God, Helen, did our last encounter have this effect on you, too? Did it shake you down to your core? Tell me yes, please.”
“Ssh,” I whisper softly and put my finger over his lips. “No more secrets for now.”
“No, please! I have to know where this came from.” Rawly insists. “Why today?” He boldly takes my hand and squeezes his fingers in between mine. “Pinch me, Helen, pinch me hard!”
“I said are you ready, Jimmy-Sue?” Horst asks as he steps into our conversation. I pull my hand out of Rawly’s and step back as Horst bends and nervously kisses my cheek. “These are for you,” he says handing me an aromatic bouquet of mixed white flowers.
“Horst?” Rawly asks in confusion.
“Rawly,” Horst acknowledges with a tight nod of his head.
“Horst, these are lovely,” I say checking out my bouquet and Horst’s clothes. He looks great. He’s dressed in his khakis with a navy sports coat and a Sigma Chi tie. I pull a white rose from the bouquet and twist off the stem then slide it in his lapel. “You look very collegiate,” I say patting his lapel.
“You two don’t have a—a date do you?” Rawly asks as he sits up straight, rigid.
“Yeah,” Horst tells him looking only at me and smiling. “I’m finally taking her home to meet my family,” he tells the room. “Wish me luck.”
“Hey!” McBain says angrily. “That’s Rawly’s girl!”
“What is this bullshit?!” Alvarez exclaims as he jumps up and slams his fist against the bar.
“Sit down, Gomez!” Rawly tells him.
I glance over at Rawly and see the cold glint of warrior burning deep in his eyes along with some hidden emotion so damning I can no longer see the man, only the beast. I feel unfocused, odd, and jerk my head back around to look at Horst. Horst appears not to notice the commotion and is intent on the lily he’s trying to pin on my breasts without benefit of a pin. His hands are moving all around my breasts trying to find a suitable place to put the flower and he is smiling like a nervous schoolboy.
“Here,” I offer taking the flower from his hand. I stick it in the back of my hair and turn for him to inspect.
“Wow,” is all he says. “Wow!”
“That was eloquent!” Washington scoffs.
“My grandmother will have a cardiac arrest but Uncle Poppy will love it. He’s been supervising all the cooking today,” Horst laughs.
“Oh, I almost forgot,” I say and pull a sheer black scarf out of my cleavage. “This is for your grandmother.” In a minute I have tied the scarf around the lower half of my face. “It’s no burqua but what do you think?”
Horst breaks out laughing and I follow his lead riotously. We are laughing so hard our heads fall together and we’re gasping for breath.
“I don’t think that’s the part you need to cover for her sake!” he laughs harder lifting the end of the scarf slowly to reveal my face. I can feel the room hold it’s breath as Horst slowly begins pulling the scarf off my face with a huge grin on his face.
I take the scarf from his hands and tie it around my neck, draping it over my cleavage. “See? Now everything’s covered.”
“Hey don’t cover up on my account,” he insists placing a protective arm around my waist and pulling me from beh
ind the bar.
“Such a perfect couple,” Eunice loudly informs the room.
“Hmm, maybe,” Sandy says cocking her head and studying me and Horst. “I’m not so sure.”
“My, my, my, don’t they look cozy?” Andrea taunts in Rawly’s ear. “Okay, so he’s not exactly who I envisioned when I heard she had a hot date.”
“I know I’m early, Jimmy-Sue,” Horst explains leading me around the bar, “but it’s a beautiful night and I thought maybe we’d go for a walk on the beach, maybe even work on your kissing lessons again? Or whatever,” he adds with a grin as I punch him on the arm.
I make certain not to look at Rawly as we go by. I don’t know why exactly except I think it might be real bad luck or something. Rawly holds out his hand to block my path.
“You’re not about to go out with him! Not tonight!”
“Ah, yes. I am.”
“Over my dead body!”
“May I borrow your gun?”
“I mean it! You’re in no condition to go out tonight.”
“Excuse me? Are you the same annoying man who told me to get a life? The same one who made fun of me because I couldn’t dance or--”
“Look, I’ll take you out if you need to go someplace and blow off a little steam,” he insists. “You’re way too revved up to—”
“Wait a second, Commander. Are you seriously asking me to believe that I would be safer with you than with Horst?” I start laughing.
He reaches out and grabs the back of my arm. “I’m not asking you anything! I’m telling you that for your own good you’re not going out with him or anybody tonight!”
“Let go of me, Harold,” I say sliding out of his grasp and trying to step over his legs as he blocks my path again. “You have no right to question anything I do.”
“Bullshit!” he hisses. “What exactly does he get to teach you, Helen?”
“Hey, Rawly,” Horst offers opening his hands wide and smiling. “Tonight she’s mine, all mine, you can have a crack at her later,” he jokes.
Except Rawly doesn’t think it’s funny and is off his stool and advancing toward Horst looking every bit like the deadly assassin he is: “You son of a bitch!” Rawly explodes as I quickly step between them. “You touch her and I’ll kill you!”
Washington grabs Rawly’s arms and struggles to pull him back. “Calm down, man,” he says to Rawly. “Don’t be stupid!”
“Why are you doing this? Horst is my—he’s one of the dearest—he’s wonderful! Stop this immediately,” I say pushing them apart because Horst hasn’t even bothered to take a step back and has a bewildered look on his face. “Stop this, Rawly!” I meet his eyes, feeling confused because I am mad and hot and tingly all over. I’m scared and exhilarated and I don’t know what to expect next in this dangerous game.
“Don’t do this, Helen!” Rawly implores. “I’m asking you, please don’t do this.”
“Calm down, man,” Washington soothes as he takes Rawly’s shoulders and pushes him back. “He’s only a kid, Mother! He’s only a kid. She’ll be safe.”
Horst and Rawly look one another over carefully as I pull Horst from the café. “Will you come on?” I say tugging on his sleeve.
“This is bullshit!” Alvarez hisses again.
Horst spins around with his back to them and tries to change the mood. I can see his cheeks are flushed and that he is mad and probably a little scared, too. Okay, probably a lot scared.
“Man, that guy is too friggin’ intense!” he says when we’re finally out of earshot.
“Tell me about it.”
“Okay, let’s forget all that. Come on, let’s go run on the beach!” he shouts grabbing my hand. “Let’s feel the wind on our faces and be silly!”
“In these shoes?” I laugh. “No way!”
“No problem,” he says and bends suddenly then throws me over his shoulder and begins running. “Hey, you’re light as a feather.”
“Put me down, Horst!” I say quickly as Rawly steps outside followed by his men. “Really, throwing me over your shoulder right now is not a good move!”
Horst sighs deeply then puts me back down. He takes the back of my elbow and leads me to his Volvo, sits me inside and closes the door. As he goes around to the driver’s side I can’t help but steal a quick glance at Rawly. He is standing apart, holding his fist in his hand and staring at me with what appears to be an emotion so intense he doesn’t even blink.
As we pull out of the driveway I feel enlightened by an overwhelming surge of brilliant brutal power, a power I alone controled. And I like it. I inhale deeply, sensing the advantage in this new and peculiar strategy, and it is intoxicating.
I tiptoe into my dark bedroom and light a candle on the window ledge as I listen for the steady breathing coming from Cecile and Kelly’s beds. I lightly touch Cecile’s head as I pass her then disappear with my candle into the bathroom to bathe. When I come back out all warm and toasty, dressed in my favorite thread-bare t-shirt, I notice it’s almost an hour later and smile as I sit on the edge on my bed wallowing in the peace and quiet. It’s 1:00 a.m. straight up and I lean forward and take my brush in my hands and begin to stroke my hair.
I can’t seem to control my mind tonight. It wants to bounce from idea to emotion and over through sensation then back again. I like how all this delicious weirdness feels empowering yet wicked and…something else. Something I can’t quite grasp. I let my mind wander to where it’s never been.
I brush my hair seeing Rawly holding his fist in his hand burned into the back of my eyelids. I had the power to hurt him and something had altered between us because of it. I smile seeing his insatiable dark eyes, how his black hair curls just over his left eye instead of thinking about tomorrow’s menu change or Andrea’s social phobia. I blow out my candle then stand and stretch luxuriously. I begin to slowly brush my hair and almost purr from the simple pleasure it invokes. I bend over and brush underneath.
The cell phone rings and I straighten up immediately. I stare as it rings softly into the dead quiet inside my room and look at it suspiciously as I take it in my hand.
“Hello?” I whisper. “Hello?”
I listen to the disturbing silence coming from the phone.
I can hear the soft breathing on the other end. I sit for a time; a minute, an hour? I sit holding the phone and listening to the steady breathing. Blue suddenly begins to howl somewhere outside my window and I twist my blinds open and look out into the night just as I realize that not only can I hear the cat outside I can also hear Blue’s mournful howl over the phone!
“Blue?” I ask, momentarily confused.
A moment later I hear Blue’s long screech as if falling from out of a tree. I shake my head because I know this breathing, the decibel and intensity and it shocks me to realize how often I confuse the obvious! I sigh angrily over my stupidity.
“How long have you been calling me?” I ask. “Which one of my new summer paranoia can be directly attributed to you? What, you didn’t think I had enough?” I laugh and sigh. “God, you are one scary piece of work.” Dead quiet. “Oh, for pity sake, you might as well say what’s on your mind. I already know what your voice sounds like, you know. I know it well in fact.” Still there is no sound. “No eloquent disclosures tonight intended to stun your adversary? No insightful analysis or annoying innuendo?
“Ah, you’re trying to read my mind, huh? Or hoping I’ll read yours? Interesting…
“Want to know what’s really on my mind?” I give in and ask because I could go for a little feedback about now.
“You think you know me, don’t you? You think I’m only some simpleton who’s ignorant about life and men, a pawn easily manipulated into a corner. Oh, yes you do, dear, enemy mine. Hmm? I wonder if you can really handle my honesty. Tap the phone or show me a sign, either one or else I’m hanging up. I’m used to getting no response, remember? And I’m sick of static. It gets old talking to the air and never getting one intelligent answer.”
I can hear a faint tap.
“You said you could handle it if I played with your mind, yet you’re surprised I can be mean. Okay, I guess I’m surprised I could be mean, too, because, obviously, I can be, but the point is you couldn’t handle it,” I chuckle. “Fascinating… Tsk, tsk, poor baby, you do so hate to fail, don’t you?
“Want to really hear what I did tonight, Commander Strategist, or are you afraid of what you might hear?” I hear urgent tapping. “I cast my caution to the wind and let my ancient feminine advantage take control. It was like a whirlwind from out of nowhere… and it consumed me.” I laugh softly then sober in reflection. “You know what the biggest surprise of all was?” I ask as he taps. “I liked it! I liked watching the effect it had on you. I brought you to your knees and I liked it.” I pause and breathe in deeply. “It felt so good that if you don’t go away and leave me alone I will do it again tomorrow and the next day and the next until you do.”
I let us sit silently and breathe across the static air between us. As I think on the static my words suddenly tumble out spinning and exploring their very nature, and I don’t even attempt to rein them in this time.
“Do you know that I’ve lived in fear of my own sexuality my entire life? I always felt clear down into my soul that if I ever gave into this primitive base emotion that I would be punished, for being human and all, I mean… I believed in my heart that someone I loved would suffer. I believed that someone I loved would be punished. Can you imagine the absolute vanity in that thought alone?”
I pause and listen beyond the silence. I think about what I know, and don’t. I think about the moon and the darkness. I think about images capable of being burned behind my eyelids. “I think I may be human after all,” I say softly.
“Do you love him?!”
The sudden intensity of Rawly’s voice startles me so much that I almost drop my phone. Yet, the confirmation that it’s him does not surprise or frighten me now.
“Love who?”
“You know who!” he demands.
“Possibly, but that’s really none of your business, is it?”
“Damn you, Helen!” I listen as his breathing calms and I can detect a slight chuckle. “I think you’re enjoying every minute of this torture, aren’t you?”