Before I can tell him as much, Josephina comes running back out of the bathroom with a smile on her face, forcing me to stay silent. I don’t want her seeing me fight with him, but I already know she’s not going to forget about his promise, and I have a bad feeling Josephina won’t be the only one left disappointed by Joseph when he leaves once more.
AS MARK DRIVES away, I see a saddened Josephina waving goodbye to me. Waving goodbye to her hurts. It’s the second hardest thing I’ve had to do in a very long time. The first was the morning I had walked away from a sleeping Kasey. That morning it took every ounce of strength I had inside of me to leave. I didn’t want to walk away from her that night; the night we had conceived our daughter.
Our daughter. It sounds so surreal.
That night I realized how hard I had fallen for Kasey Wilson. Before then, she’d always been the girl next door. The girl who I’d keep an eye on, knowing that because of her parents, I’d never have a chance at touching her. I wasn’t good enough for her. At least I’d always thought that, until the night she gave herself to me. It was then I knew I wasn’t going to let her go. I was coming back for her.
When I did come back for her though, she was already gone.
That day I felt like my heart had left with her.
Had I known I left her pregnant, I would’ve searched to the ends of the earth for her. But, it’s my own fault for not considering it. I should’ve known she could’ve been pregnant, but I was young and stupid. It never crossed my mind.
Still thinking about Josephina, I smile. Knowing I helped create that beautiful little girl brings me joy. I always knew I wanted kids, but I didn’t think I’d have to play the absent parent when it came to my children.
I push the thought from my head. I might not have been there for Kasey when Josephina was born, or the last four years for that matter. I do know one thing for sure, I wasn’t going to miss seeing Josephina grow up from this day forward. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but come hell or high water, I am going to be there for this little girl. I refuse to play the absent parent.
Ashley turns her body in the front seat to better face me. “So is what Mark told me today true?” I hear her ask, tearing my focus from the scenery outside the window, drawing my attention to her.
Kasey had offered to give me a ride back to Mark’s house, but Mark had been hounding me all afternoon with text messages wanting to know more details about this afternoon. I wasn’t going to have the detailed conversation he was expecting with a couple of text messages, so I asked him to come pick me up instead. Plus, I didn’t like the idea of Kasey going out late at night with Josephina.
“Yeah, she’s mine. There’s no doubt about it,” I admit to her, the guilt feeling like a weight on my chest.
Although it’s dark outside, with the help of the streetlights illuminating inside of the car, I can see her satisfied expression on her face. “Good, then when can we meet her? Because if you think for one second that you’re keeping that little girl from us, I’ll strangle you, Joseph Mitchell,” She is using her best stern voice, making Mark laugh.
“You know she’ll do it too,” Mark replies as he grabs Ashley’s hand to bring it up for a kiss.
“Why would I keep her from you guys? You’re my family,” I tell them, knowing it’s the truth, since I have no actual family left.
“Good, then you can invite them over for dinner tomorrow night. I really want to meet her. That way I can also get a feel for this girl that has been keeping your daughter from you,” Ashley says.
“She didn’t keep her from me,” I firmly argue, looking back out of the window, her resentment getting to me.
I can’t blame Ashley for thinking that way though. They don’t know Kasey like I do. Or at least the way I used to know her. Her actions today showed dramatic changes in her. The old Kasey never once stood up to me; this one did it without hesitation, which made me smile. She was confident and much more beautiful because of it.
Arriving at Mark’s house, we all head inside. I go straight to their couch to take a seat, leaning my head back as I close my eyes, trying to absorb the events of the day. Today has mentally exhausted me.
Hearing Mark near me, I open my eyes, seeing him already handing me a beer. Grabbing it from him, I open it and take one giant gulp. As he takes a seat on the couch across from me with Ashley, I see both of them anxiously waiting for me to say something. I don’t want to have this conversation right now, but I know they will continue hounding me until I tell them the details. Ashley’s hand goes to her swollen belly, rubbing it, making my thoughts drift to how alone Kasey must have felt when she was pregnant. I wish I had been there for her pregnancy.
Our earlier conversation comes back to me. It tears my heart apart knowing the entire time she was waiting for me to show up, but I never did. I must have been the biggest asshole in her mind.
“She didn’t purposely keep Josephina from me,” I say out loud, the thought rapidly coming out. I couldn't help the cracking in my voice as I said it. I feel like shit over the entire situation.
I see Ashley’s face light up. “She named her Josephina? How sweet,” she says with a smile.
“She was sent up here to live with her aunt when her parents found out she was pregnant. It’s why she was no longer living in Savannah when I got back from boot camp. She tried writing to me, but I never got the letters,” I explain to them.
Mark nods his head at me, most likely remembering when I had gone back looking for Kasey, but she was gone. He knew about my last night with Kasey and how much I couldn’t stop thinking about her. At the time, Mark told me it was for the best. She needed a better future. I had believed him. I didn’t have any other choice.
Ashley’s face grows curious, but confused. “What happened to the letters?”
Her question makes me wonder the same. My parents never mentioned a letter when I got back from boot camp. I never found any when I packed up the house. It’s a mystery I’m never going to solve with them now gone.
“I don’t know, but the last one was returned to her. It must have arrived after I sold the house,” I say, already reaching into my back pocket where I had placed the envelope. “It’s the one telling me Josephina was born. That’s also the last time she tried writing to me,” I add, removing the picture for them to view.
Mark reaches for it and holds it up for him and Ashley to view together. “It was taken right after Josephina was born,” I tell them, waiting for their reaction.
Ashley automatically smiles as she looks at the picture, but Mark narrows his eyes, looking as confused as I did when I first viewed it. “She had Josephina at her aunt’s house, in an Amish community.” I clarify to both of them.
Ashley’s smile quickly disappears, her eyes growing wide. Mark does almost the same. “Are you serious? As in the Amish that float around here, the ones that don’t believe in electricity or anything?” she surprisingly asks, just as shocked as I feel.
Ashley isn’t helping with the guilt I’m feeling, but I silently nod my head at her and keep thinking about what she’s said. I hate knowing Kasey had to endure being in that situation while she was pregnant. The realization only makes me angrier by the moment.
Taking in Ashley’s pregnant form, I know women are pretty much miserable while they’re pregnant. I heard about it all the time from my fellow Marines that had pregnant wives, but Kasey never once voiced her complaint of the conditions she was forced to endure. Although it must have been hard on her to go from having all the amenities of a normal life to having limited ones, she seemed appreciative instead, when she explained it to me.
Another thing to blame myself for. I was the one who got her pregnant. It is also the reason why she got kicked out of her parent’s house. Grimacing to myself, I sit there and start to think about the loss when Mark breaks my train of thought.
“See, honey, you should appreciate the things I’ve been giving you during your pregnancy. I bet your complaining about want
ing that new Kindle Fire is sounding a bit selfish right now, isn’t it?” he says to Ashley in a sarcastic tone.
From the look on her face, the comment only pisses her off and she elbows him to show it. He lets out a grunt as her elbow makes contact and all I can do is laugh at him. He is always being a smart ass.
Ashley looks down at the photo one last time before slowly handing it back to me. When I grab it, I bring it up to look at it again, smiling as I do. It may only be a photo, but it’s something I will treasure forever.
“So does she still believe in their ways, or is she back to being normal?” Mark asks, the hesitation of the question surprising me. Normally I wouldn’t expect it from him.
“She only went through that because she didn’t have a choice,” I tell him as I put the picture back into the safety of its envelope.
My phone starts ringing, the ringtone tells me it’s Elizabeth calling. Probably to remind me I haven’t called her at all today. I had texted her when I landed in Madison letting her know I had arrived, but I told her I would call her in a couple of hours, and I never did. I’m surprised this is the first time she’s calling. She usually gets upset if I don’t return her phone calls in a timely manner.
Obviously I don’t need to look at the screen to know who it is, but I still do, dreading answering the call. Holding up the phone, Mark nods at me as I excuse myself to their backyard to answer it. “Hi babe, what’s up?” I answer as I’m shutting the door behind me.
“What do you mean, what’s up? I should be asking you that, since you haven’t called me all day and I’m left drowning in wedding plans,” she whines into the phone. She also sounds angry, so I already know this conversation isn’t going to end well. It never does when she’s in this kind of mood.
“I’m sorry, babe. Something came up and I haven’t had a chance to call you.”
“What could have possibly distracted you enough to make you completely forget to call your fiancée?” she asks, her tone sounding far from being curious.
With that tone, I know I’m not risking mentioning Josephina. I know I have to tell her, but I’m not going to do it over the phone, especially to Elizabeth.
“Nothing much, just something with Mark,” I lie to her.
Knowing it’s best to distract her, I change the subject. “By the way, I asked Mark to be my best man today,” I tell her.
“I thought we agreed you were going to ask my brother. He is family, so he should be your best man,” she demands, taking my mind right back to the small argument we had the last time this conversation came up.
Sighing over her statement, I brace myself. “I told you I would think about it, which I did. Your brother is your family and Mark is mine, so I feel he should be my best man,” I inform her, trying to stay firm to my decision, but I already know that won’t win me the argument.
“My brother is going to be your family soon so I don’t see why he can’t be your best man,” she argues back. “My best friend, who happens to be his girlfriend, is going to be my maid of honor. It only makes sense that they are partnered together,” she claims.
I’m already grabbing the bridge of my nose to ward off my headache, as she adds, “He can be one of your groomsmen, but I’m not adding his pregnant wife. She’d be too fat by the wedding and I don’t want fat people in my wedding. It would make for ugly pictures.”
“Look, Elizabeth, I’m tired and I really don’t want to argue with you tonight,” I throw back at her, knowing if I don’t end the phone call soon, we’d only end up arguing about the subject all night.
She must have felt the same way, because we end the phone call with our usual goodbyes. I’m more irritated now than when I starting speaking with her. I turn around to head back into the house when I notice Mark standing inside the doorway, staring straight at me with a raised eyebrow. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s from hearing my conversation.
“Ashley is getting tired so I’m going to head to bed with her.”
“Yeah, sure dude. Did you put my stuff in the extra room already?” I ask him, feeling tired myself.
“Yeah, it’s in there. I brought it in earlier. If you need anything get it yourself,” he says, as I follow him down the hallway to the rooms. He gives me one last wave goodbye with his hand above his head. I watch him disappear into his room, leaving me to make my way to mine. Reaching my room, I grab a pair of clothes and head to the guest bathroom to take a quick shower. Once done, I’m back in the room, heading straight to the dresser where I placed the envelope that Kasey gave me. Taking it with me to bed, I get comfortable to finally read it. I had wanted to be alone when I first read it. That’s why I waited until now.
Turning it over in my hands to fully take it in, I run my fingers along the front. It’s in a typical white envelope. The lettering now looking aged, making the envelope look distressed, as if Kasey had repeatedly held this letter.
The first thing I noticed, after she had handed it to me the first time, was that it was still sealed. It surprised me knowing she hadn’t opened it back up to remove the picture, especially since she said it was the only one she had of Josephina’s birth. It’s almost as if deep down inside she knew I’d eventually come to retrieve it.
Opening it back up, I take the letter out and gently unfold it, not wanting to damage it. I’m scared of what it’s going to say. Bracing myself, I begin to read as Kasey’s neat handwriting pops out at me.
Dearest Joseph,
I’ve tried several times to contact you, but haven’t received word from you. I hope you aren’t too upset with me. If you are, I truly am sorry for whatever it is I’ve done. I’ve missed you so, but I’ve already told you that before, so you must already know. I hope all is well and you are happy. As for me, things have been difficult, but I thank God everyday for my good health, and the blessings that I do have. I pray the same for you as well.
The reason for this letter is that I was blessed with a miracle from our one night together; a night I will forever hold dear in my heart. I never wanted to tell you this way, but being that you haven’t come or answered my letters, I am left with no other choice.
You now have a daughter, a little angel in my eyes, an angel that God has gifted me to always remember you by. She was born a little after midnight, on March 11th, and I’ve chosen to name her Josephina, to remind me of the person that helped create her. She’ll always have a part of you with her, in case she never gets the chance to meet you.
I’ve included the only picture I have of the night she was born. I feel you deserve it more than I do. I only hope you will treasure it as deeply as I treasure her.
I will pray for you every day, for your health and well being, in hope that God answers my prayers and looks out for you. I will wait every day, praying that you change your mind. Hoping someday you will wish to meet her, but until then, I vow to keep her safe.
Keep safe, my dearest Joseph, and remember that I will always be thinking of you.
Yours truly,
Kasey
Closing my eyes to try to ward off the tears, I fail. They begin to slowly trickle down my cheeks. Clutching the letter to my chest, I hold onto to it tightly, picturing it was Kasey I was holding instead.
As I read every single word, I could feel the pain coming through what she wrote. Even as she claimed she was being strong, deep down inside, I know she was hurting as she wrote the letter. I know I would be.
My heart feels as if it’s dropped into the pit of my stomach. No matter how many times I think about it, the regret of never showing up will live with me forever. When she needed me the most I wasn’t there. The guilt will stay with me, every day of my life.
I may not have been there to save her the first time, but I wasn’t going to leave her behind. I was going to make it up to her, somehow, someway. This time I was coming back for her and Josephina.
CHECKING THE ADDRESS on my smart phone one final time, I make sure it’s the right house I should be pulling up to. Confirming that
it is, I park on the street and put my SUV into park.
“That house is huge, right mommy?” Josephina exclaims from the backseat.
Unbuckling my seat belt, I respond, “Yes it is, sweetheart.”
I don’t want to be here, but I’m only doing it for Josephina. Joseph had called yesterday begging me to join him and his friends for dinner, but I had to decline the request due to a delivery I needed to make. It was to a local boutique that helps sell my soaps. Since those profits were the most important, when I wasn’t selling at the Farmers Market, I had to pass on the first request. The boutique’s sales are made year round. It was the monthly order that helped put food on my table. In my eyes, it was much more important than keeping dinner plans, even if they were with Joseph.
Of course he was disappointed, but he clearly understood when I explained. Although I managed to get out of dinner plans last night, I couldn’t escape them a second time, especially since Josephina overheard my conversation with Joseph. She was excited about the dinner. Actually, I think she’s more excited about seeing Joseph than anything else. That alone was the only reason why I’m here.
Taking a deep breath to calm my nerves, I open my car door to get out and I’m instantly frightened when I see a large man in front of me helping hold my door open. It takes a moment, but I finally recognize that it’s Joseph, and I am able to relax, but my heart still feels likes it’s racing from the sight of him. I don’t know if it’s from the fright or the fact that he’s smiling down at me.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” he apologetically says to me. “I saw you pulling up, so I thought I’d come help you with Josephina,” he says, looking at me with a smile as he shuts my car door. He quickly goes straight to Josephina’s to take her out.
Josephina’s face lights up at the sight of him as he opens her door to get her out. She’s already unbuckling herself, anxious to get out of her booster seat. “Hi Joseph, we’re here,” she excitedly shouts.
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