Josephina was very quiet on the way home, and I knew why. It was the same reason why my heart was weeping. We were both terribly missing Joseph. I wish I knew how to fix it.
JOSEPHINA IS SITTING on the couch playing with her iPad, a gloom of unhappiness on her face, which hasn’t disappeared since the day we left San Diego. The glee I was used to seeing on my little girl’s face was completely gone.
With every day that passed, it grew worse. No matter how hard I tried to cheer her up, it was hopeless. Her heart was broken, and to be honest, so was mine. I was doing a poor job at trying to conceal my sadness. It showed on my face every time I looked at her. It was a battle I was losing with myself every morning I awoke. I was mourning the loss of waking up in his arms. Some days I didn’t want to get up, but I forced myself to do so, for my Josephina’s sake.
The two weeks that have gone by have been hard on both of us. As much as I tried to occupy myself with work, Joseph was always on my mind, regardless of how hard I tried to push him away. If it wasn’t for the success of my website needing me to work harder and longer to fulfill the orders, I would have gone insane always thinking about him.
Ashley had kept her word in helping me create the website for my business and now I had to practically work around the clock to keep up with the demand I had on my hands. I couldn’t complain though, it kept me busy, but it didn’t help with Josephina. Ashley was a godsend in that department, though. She started coming by to pick her up every couple of days to spend the day with her, knowing Josephina needed the distraction to take her mind off of Joseph as well. Although it worked for those couple of hours, it didn’t take her heartache away.
Her continuous conversations via FaceTime with Joseph were helping, but not to completely take the sorrow away. Ironically, I was starting to look forward to his conversations as well. Hearing his voice in the background as they conversed was comforting, it helped sooth both our saddened state for those couple of hours, but I still wasn’t strong enough to face seeing him. The one and only time I found the courage to sit down with Josephina while she was having a conversation with him, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to cry. Seeing his face, hearing his deep voice, was a reminder of what I had walked away from.
Tonight during their usual conversation, Joseph mentioned a surprise he hoped to have ready for her soon. Upon hearing the remark, my eyebrows go up in curiosity, my body slowly gravitating in the direction where she was sitting on the couch.
Making sure to keep out of sight from Joseph, I listen as he speaks with her, explaining how his new surprise will allow her to see him again. Although I grow skeptical from his intentions, her eyes instantly light up with excitement. I know it’s from the thought of seeing him. Even I grew excited with the idea of seeing him, but I’m soon disappointed when Josephina asks him if he was coming to visit soon, and he replies with a simple, “No,” making my heart drop to the pit of my stomach, the tears already forming in my eyes. Getting up from the couch I head back to my workstation to help distract myself, the disappointment lingering with me for the remainder of the night.
It’s when I’m attempting to fall asleep that night that the disappointment takes over. The tears I was desperately trying to keep within myself uncontrollably stream down my face, releasing themselves against my will.
Losing the fight, I let them fall as I cry into my pillow, masking my sobs from Josephina to not wake her. The pain of wishing I was wrapped in Joseph’s arms courses all over my body as I lie in bed crying. It’s then I finally realize I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life and I have no one to blame but myself.
I’M CLEANING UP my pots after making another big batch, yet again, when I hear a knock at my door. I already know it’s Mark and Ashley. They said they were coming over tonight. I welcome their visits. They keep me distracted when they come over, which have been several times in the last couple weeks. They’ve been nothing but kind and helpful since I got back from San Diego. I no longer had a car and it was proving quite difficult at times. I often found myself depending on both of them when I either needed a ride somewhere far, or when I had a huge delivery to make. I don’t know what I would’ve done without them.
I needed a car and I needed one soon, but I was dreading having a car payment, which is the reason why I hadn’t bought one yet. Plus, it would be another bill I would have to add, and I can't afford much at this time.
Opening the door, I let Mark and Ashley in. “Hi Kasey,” Mark says, giving me a quick hug as he enters.
Josephina sees him from the living area, already running to him, making him scoop her up in his arms as he smiles back at her. The memory of all the times Joseph would do it with her tugs at my heart, making me briefly close my eyes to fight back the tears.
Bringing them under control, I watch Mark head straight to the area with my TV with Josephina, while Ashley goes to my workbench to take a seat. Before long Mark is entertaining himself and Josephina by starting up the X-box, making me chuckle. I seriously believe he misses the thing more than he misses Josephina. The last couple of times they’ve come over it’s the first place he heads with her.
Going over to Ashley, I offer her something to drink before we spend the next hour going over the sales of the website, adding the new products I’ve created in the last month. It’s a routine we’ve been doing once a week since I returned and something I look forward to. It gives Ashley and I a chance to catch up at the same time. I take in the amount of orders I already have since my last shipment I sent out, which was only two days ago, and I’m already feeling a little overwhelmed.
“How is it I keep getting all these orders when I’ve only had the website up for less than a month?” I skeptically ask her, my eyes still wide as I look at the request on the screen. “I wouldn’t have thought I’d be doing this good right away.”
“What can you expect? They only have to read the reviews to know how good your soaps are,” she explains to me with a smile.
Confused, I look at her. “What reviews? I don’t remember getting any reviews?” I question, wondering what she meant.
Her lips go up into a mischievous smile, which tell me she had something to do with the reviews. “Okay. I might have had my sister and mom write a review each,” she tells me already bringing up the proof. “Plus, I had their friends write some as well. I posted them on the main page when you first open up the website, see?” she says, pointing to the side of the page, where sure enough, there were currently six written reviews, all in italics. “That way potential customers will read them and want to buy the product. It’s working, isn’t it? You already have more orders than you thought you would to process,” she says, making me smile.
“True,” I tell her, already remembering the last large load I had to take to the UPS store.
“It’s the first time I’ve seen you smile since you’ve been back,” she tells me, making my frown return. She’s right, I haven’t smiled at all until now and I hadn’t realized it until she mentioned it.
Glancing over to where Josephina is dancing away with Mark, their laughter radiates throughout the room, as I take in how silly they both look. “Yeah, it’s kind of hard to smile when you’re sad most of the time,” I sadly tell her.
She reaches over to grab my hand, gently giving me a reassuring squeeze. “You miss him, don’t you?” The question a reminder of how I fell asleep last night, making me nod as I fight back the tears which are now clouding my vision.
“He called Mark last night,” she quietly states, quickly glancing over in Mark’s direction. “By the conversation I heard from our end, he’s up to something. I just don’t know what it is because Mark wouldn’t tell me,” she says smiling. “I think it’s because he knows I’ll tell you anyway, but by the sounds of it, it has something to do with you. Have you spoken with him?” she curiously asks.
I have to swallow the lump in my throat before I answer. “No, he only speaks to Josephina.” With the words said, the tears start to fall from my eyes when I make
my confession. “Oh, Ashley. I think I made the biggest mistake of my life by walking away. But, I couldn’t stay and keep thinking I was his back up plan. I just couldn’t,” I finish saying as she embraces me in her arms, crying onto her shoulder, letting it all out. “He asked me to marry him at the airport,” I say in between my sobbing cries, making Ashley yank her body back with her eyes wide in shock.
“What?”
Wiping my nose with the back of my hand before telling her. “I know he was only asked because he wanted us to stay. He wasn’t asking because he loves me,” I explain, sniffling again.
“Oh, Kasey. Of course you would’ve thought that, but let me tell you something, you might not think Joseph loves you, but deep down inside I know he does.”
I’m about to argue her point, but she continues, “I know because of the way he is with you and by the way he looks at you. Kasey, a while ago when Joseph came home on leave, he brought Elizabeth to visit us. The difference of how he acted with you, compared to how he was around her, was completely night and day,” she says, with a heavy sigh, her eyebrows going up. “Yes, he might have given his attention to her, but when he looks at you…it’s with admiration and desire. He never did that with her. Never. So to me, it shows me he does love you.”
I sit there, taking in her words as I listen to her, shocked by her declaration. It’s the words I needed to hear to help make the decision I’d been contemplating lately. One I hope I wouldn’t regret making.
“HERE ARE YOUR keys, Mr. Mitchell. Congratulations on your purchase. If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to call me, but I believe you’ll be extremely happy here,” the real estate agent tells me as he hands me my keys, walking over to the door before he leaves.
I take one final turn around the empty living room, beaming from ear to ear. It’s the first time I’ve really smiled since Kasey left, it’s only because I don’t have her by my side.
It kills me to know she doesn’t want to speak to me. I hadn’t pushed for it, but only because I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing her saddened face, the same one I already see when I talk to Josephina on FaceTime every night. It would’ve only made me run back to get her. Even against her protesting, I wouldn’t have given her a choice, but I didn’t go after her because I wanted to make sure I had secured buying the house before I did so.
Although I had wanted to tell Kasey about the house the day she left, I didn’t, already knowing she’d say it wasn’t meant for her. Plus, I had wanted it to be a surprise, which it was going to be, just like I kept telling Josephina.
The night Kasey left I kept going over all the words she said during her visit and it finally hit me, it was my fault she’d left. If I‘d just told her I loved her from the beginning, maybe she would have stayed.
Taking in the house once more, I think of why I didn’t tell Kasey about it. She would’ve easily figured out I had put an offer on it while I was engaged to Elizabeth. Yes, it was supposed to be the one I was going to live in after we got married, but I was no longer marrying Elizabeth because I found Kasey again. Life has a way of showing you what is really meant to be.
With the smile still on my face, I know the house was really meant to have Kasey and Josephina living in it with me. I remember when I had first seen the house. I had fallen in love with it instantly. Elizabeth may not have liked it, being she wanted a brand new house, something by the beach, but that wasn’t me. Against her protest, I still put an offer on it, regardless of what she said. At the time I had a gut feeling this was the house I needed. Now I know why. It was never meant to have Elizabeth in it, but Kasey instead. The problem I was now facing was trying to convince Kasey of that point.
Somehow I was going to convince her, though. This house was perfect for her. It came with a large garage that had been used as a workshop for cars. Originally I had planned on working on my own cars in here, but that was something I was willing to sacrifice for Kasey. It could easily be converted into a studio for Kasey. It was the perfect size for Kasey to work. I already knew when I showed her she would be sold on moving here. Shit, I would get down on my knees and beg if I had to.
When I had told Mark about my plan, he said I was taking a big risk, but one that may just work, which made me happy knowing I had a chance. With his help of keeping me up to date with Kasey’s business, I already knew it was taking off online, and she would need a bigger space. Mark’s updates were the only thing keeping me sane nowadays since she didn’t really want to talk to me. I know she was pretty pissed about the way we left things. I couldn’t blame her, but I was planning on making it up to her.
I’m locking up the house when my phone starts to ring. Digging it out of my pocket, I look at the phone, and see Kasey’s name on the screen. It’s strange to see it, especially knowing she doesn’t call me at all anymore. I’m usually the one who has to call them via FaceTime and even then, it’s only to speak to Josephina.
“Kasey, is everything okay?” I ask, worried something might have happened to Josephina.
“Well, I do seem to have a little problem,” she says, a hint of laughter in her voice, confusing me, but the words alone make the panic build up inside of me. I hate knowing she’s still clear across the country and I wouldn’t be able to get to them fast enough if something was wrong. I need to get them both back on the west coast fast because I can’t take this shit any longer. “Kasey, what’s wrong? I can call Mark or Ashley. They can get to you in a couple of minutes,” I frantically say in a panic. My heart is racing, my mind building with the scenarios of what could’ve happened. It’s driving me insane.
I hear her chuckle, confusing me, as she says, “I really doubt Mark or Ashley can help me today. Actually, I’d really hate to have them fly to San Diego just to help me this time.”
I hear the rustling of the phone, as if it’s being passed to someone else before I hear Josephina say, “Daddy, when are you coming home? Because I really need to pee, and your door is locked,” she whines.
My eyes go wide, my heart feeling as if it’s stopped. I stand rooted to the spot in shock from the words, wondering if I heard her wrong. I don’t want to get excited thinking they are here in San Diego again.
I hear the rattle return, most likely Kasey taking the phone back from Josephina, because I hear her voice say clearly into the phone, “What time are you coming home?”
“Kasey, where are you guys at?” I force myself to ask, trying to calm my excited state of mind.
“We’re actually sitting on the steps outside your door at this moment. I wanted to surprise you, but it back fired on me being that you’re not home,” she declares, sounding disappointed.
I quickly start walking to my truck as fast as I can. Practically jogging to it. “Kasey, you see the box with the fire extinguisher inside it, in between the two apartment doors? There is a key above it to my apartment. I’ll be home in fifteen minutes, baby,” I tell her, smiling from ear to ear as I’m jumping into my truck.
“Okay. We’ll be inside waiting for you,” she calmly says before hanging up the phone, leaving me listening to dead silence.
Taking every back street that would allow me to break all the traffic laws possible, I can only think about getting to them. I California rolled through more stop signs than I should have, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t get to my girls fast enough.
I’m finally back at my apartment, my heart racing with excitement to see them. I’m barely able to get the truck in park before jumping out and taking the stairs two at a time to get to my apartment. Rushing through the door I see them, going straight towards Kasey to pick her up, eagerly kissing her lips.
Her arms wrap around my neck, pulling me tighter to her body as she laughs against my mouth. I take advantage of her laughter to push my tongue forward, deepening the kiss. She has never tasted so good. When I hear her moan into my mouth it makes me close my eyes and thank my lucky stars she’s here.
“Daddy,” I hear Josephina say as she tugs at my pant
s.
Opening my eyes, I pull my lips away from Kasey’s, and look down at Josephina. Slowly I lower Kasey down to the ground. Just as quickly I lean down to pick Josephina up, hugging her tightly in my arms to place a kiss on her head, inhaling her sweet smell.
“Were you surprised, daddy?” she enthusiastically asks, as she pushes herself away to look at me, “We wanted to surprise you by knocking on your door, but you weren’t home,” she says with a frown.
I smile at her. “Of course I’m surprised. It’s the best surprise in the world,” I say to her, telling her the truth.
Looking over at Kasey, the doubt hits me in the pit of my stomach. “Please tell me you’re not just visiting?” I beg her, already dreading the fear of watching her leave.
She smiles up at me, shaking her head. “Nope,” she says before taking her bottom lip as she shyly smiles at me. “We’re here for good, but Joseph, there’s something I want to talk to you about first,” she says, making me frown. The expression on her face is worrying me. It’s the same one she had the day she left. I don’t want to see it again.
Placing Josephina back down on the ground, I go to turn on the TV. “Princess, your mommy and I are going to the room to talk. Will you be a good girl and watch TV for a while?” I tell her, as she is already lying down on the couch. The yawn she gives me as she nods her head indicates she’s going to fall asleep soon, which is good. It will give Kasey and I time to talk.
“I think she’s going to take a nap,” Kasey whispers up to me. “We had to get up pretty early this morning and the excitement of coming here has kept her awake. I think it’s finally catching up to her.”
Grabbing the blanket at the end of the couch, I cover Josephina up with it, giving her a kiss on her head as I watch her drift off into sleep.
Reaching out to pull Kasey’s hand into mine, I lead her to the bedroom as she follows closely behind. I already fear what she’ll say, but regardless, it’s my chance to finally tell her how I feel. Once inside, I shut the door behind us, turning to face her before I take her in as she’s standing in front of me. It’s clear she’s lost weight since she left. Her eyes are darkened with shadows, as if she hasn’t slept, making her look exhausted. I hate seeing her like this. Stepping up to her I grab onto her waist, pulling her towards me, close enough that I’m looking directly down into her eyes. She places her hands on my arms as she begins to speak. “Joseph, the reason why I left the first time was because I felt like there wasn’t any reason for me to be here. I felt like there was no real future between us,” she says to me. “I’m not going to demand you make any promises, but I need to know if I’ve wasted my time by coming back.”
With Me Page 20