I chuckle, but it sounds bitter. I feel angry and pissed off at the world. If I could burn everything down he holds near and dear, it would be a good payback as far as I’m concerned. “I fucked up, Mom. He ate out a lot and didn’t always get stuff for the house, so I ate when I could. Why was I so stupid as to let him crawl into my life and take control of everything! I was scared to talk to my own family due to the repercussions it might have.”
“I’m killing him myself,” she proclaims. “I know your dad wants that honor, but I’m calling dibs.” Not if I get my hands on him first. My plans also include his father, I want to be the one to take them both out. Not because I like physical altercations, but with those two I would do it with a smile on my face and a pep in my step.
She’s trying to keep my mind off what the doctor is doing and I’m so tired, I’ll give her that play. “Maybe y’all should just flip a coin,” I suggest. I want to close my eyes and sleep the rest of my life away and never have to feel anything ever again for the rest of my life. If my eyes are closed nothing can hurt me again.
“Pssh, I win, I carried you for nine months.” I look at her with shock, not understanding why she’d want to put herself through that...even for me. The one who hid and ignored her for months.
“Mom, I love you.” I need her to know that hasn’t ever changed. She’s my idol, my rockstar, who I want to be when I grow up.
“Ralynn, I love you more. Are you done yet?” she asks the doctor. I can see the pleading in her face. She can’t stand to see one of her cubs in pain and wants to protect me from everything. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way and I have to be present even though I’d like to lose myself to my imagination and make-believe world.
“I think she’s gonna need x-rays to figure out why she can’t fully raise her arms, but otherwise, yes. I’ll get with Axe and see if he’s good with her coming into the clinic after hours for those.” I wanna ask if he’ll prescribe me a magic pill, one that will make me forget...if even for a little bit. But I don’t want my mother to think that I’m in more pain than what I actually am. Don’t get me wrong it hurts like a motherfucker, but my mom doesn’t need that in her head. So, I’ll play the part of the dutiful and loving daughter and keep those thoughts to myself.
“Then let me help you into a shower and some clean clothes,” she says to me. Maybe this time, I’ll finally feel clean. That thought is dashed when Mom sees my lower back and goes flying out of the room. She’s going to flip her shit and I have a feeling she’ll be blabbing it to all the old ladies and my dad. Shit, he’s going to go to prison for murder if she shares everything she’s seen and heard.
By the time I finish my third shower of the day and get dressed in a clean nightgown, I’m exhausted. I head back out to the bed only to see the doctor standing there once again. “Let me see your low back,” he commands. How did he know? Mom! It was hidden by my panties and I was hoping they’d overlook it, but my luck’s just sucky right now. Sighing, I turn and pull up my nightclothes and then wince when I feel him palpate the bruised area. “I need a urine sample,” he states, handing me one of those tiny plastic cups. Huffing a bit, I go back into the bathroom to comply with his order and somehow manage to take care of things without peeing all over myself in the process. Something that was a work of hardheadedness because that was not an easy task. Once I’ve washed my hands, I grab a washcloth and wrap the specimen cup up because I don’t want everyone knowing what I just had to do, especially since I saw a tinge of red. That would truly freak my family out, Mom would be convinced I’m dying. She’s so overly dramatic sometimes, I think it’s her profession that comes out into her daily life. “Give me an hour or so,” the doctor says, leaving the room.
“Let’s get you settled,” Mom states, pulling the covers back. Looking at the bed I long to be in and lose myself, but I know crawling up on the mattress is going to be difficult. Another thing I’ve got to suck up and just do. “Your Dad is fixing you something to eat.” At her words, I giggle a bit, because Dad’s idea of cooking involves a grill and a microwave so no clue what he’s gonna be bringing me. Although, even I have to admit he makes a mean grilled cheese sandwich. Could be a bowl of cereal, could be a steak and baked potato, whatever it is, I’ll appreciate because he made it with love.
She joins in before saying, “Nan and Gino cooked yesterday, so he’s reheating some of those leftovers. You’re safe this time.” I wanna take my hand and brush it over my forehead in a ‘whoo’ motion, but it’s not possible to be my smart-assed usual self.
Five
Jaxson
Waiting to hear about Ralynn’s condition is killing me. Time seems to be on standstill, patience has never been a strong virtue of mine. The doctor had come down once and was talking quietly to Axe and Hatch when DJ ran into the room and grabbed him and he followed her back. Now, I’m wondering how extensive her injuries are that DJ looked so frantic and ready to fuck someone’s life up.
And I can’t quite decipher the looks I’ve been receiving periodically from Hatch. He doesn’t look like he wants to kill me, but based on how emotional he was over the phone and how he reacted when he initially saw her, I don’t dare try to guess. Hatch is the type of man and father that’s hit or miss when it comes to his children. You’re either approved to be in their lives, or are on the outside looking in... wishing you were part of the fold.
All I know is shit has changed, it’s hit the proverbial fan so to speak. That thought causes my shoulders to slump because I suspect that woman is gonna make me pay for every snide comment and action I made against her for the last few years, ever since she became a legal adult.
Fuck.
My head is going to roll.
She’s going to serve it up on a silver platter for all to see and laugh in amusement at my distress. I deserve it so I won’t run from her...not this time.
Never a-fucking-gain.
How do you convince someone every mean and hateful thing you said for them was for their own good and mental well-being? How do you convince them it was to keep them safe and happy, as far away from you as possible? I’ve let the demons of my father control me and my future happiness long enough. It’s time to man up and answer all of her questions, it’s time she learns the truth of who Jaxson really is. I hope and pray that this time she isn't the one running for the hills and never looking back. Once I lay myself on the line, open myself up, she won’t ever look at me the same. I just hope she doesn’t fillet me to the point where I don't make it out unscathed.
No one, outside of Axe, knows how tragic my upbringing was. How much it has damaged me and fucked with my head. My gut sinks at the revelation that this is going to be one of the hardest battles I’ve ever faced, and it’s the most important one I’ll ever deal with.
Now, I need to figure out which of my brothers can help if needed because as close as I am to Maxum, he has less relationship experience than I do, and I may have to pull out the big guns in order to win her. Thinking on it more thoroughly, I may end up with better luck if I get one of her girls or her sister to help me. They’d have better advice as to what I can do to make it up to her for all the times I pushed her away. Confusion sets in and my mind is lost in darkness. I’m back in the place where my nightmares stem from.
I don’t escape that until I hear DJ and the doctor return again, another huddled conversation ensues, and I wish I had supersonic hearing or something so I know what is happening.
Axe breaks away from the doctor and walks toward me. “Need you to take these to the drugstore and get them filled.” I look at what he’s handed me and see my name on them. Giving him a questioning glance, I’m about to say something when he continues, “We put them in your name so that fucker can’t find her. I’m sure he knows she’s here, but we’re not gonna tip our hand.” The thought of Marcus finding her makes my blood boil in my veins. The anger must show on my face because Axe lays a soothing hand on my shoulder and gives it a slight squeeze. No words are spoken, but
the fact that he knows that my past is catching up with me and knowing that she’s just gone through what I’ve suffered my entire life hurts, my heart aches, and it feels as if it’s about to burst from my chest cavity.
“Got it, Pres.” I stand and head out to my bike.
Time to put ‘Operation Get, and Claim Ralynn’ into play.
The entire way to the drug store my mind is lost in ideas. My strength is waning in thoughts of opening up and sharing the gory details with her of why I am the way I am. I just know I’ll lose her before I even have her. She’ll look at me differently, the hero worship I’ve always seen in her eyes will turn to disgust and embarrassment. She’ll never want to be seen in public with me and I’ll never see her eyes light again when she spots me in a crowd.
When the prescriptions are filled and I am on my way back to the clubhouse I have a hard time catching my breath. I pull my bike over in fear that I’m having a heart attack. Shit! I lean over and clutch my chest, no... suddenly, I realize what’s happening. I’m having a panic attack, I haven’t had one of these since Axe found me and rescued me all those years ago. I used to wake up with nightmares and have this same exact feeling.
It’s been brought up by Axe and Maxum before that I should seek help. They think I have a form of PTSD and survivor’s guilt.
Mom.
The thought of her makes my eyes swell. “God! I miss you and could really use you and your advice right about now.” My biggest fear in the world is that I could become my father and Ralynn would suffer and be buried six feet underground at my hands, just like my mother is from my father. Thinking about that son-of-a-bitch makes me happy that he’s on death’s row and suffering the fate of his own making.
If I’d had the capability and know how, I would’ve doled out my own version of justice on him. I was too young and had zero street smarts on how to commit and get away with murder. I would’ve gladly done time to avenge her, but I was in shock and hurt so badly I could barely lift my own head the night he took her life. That motherfucker took the only comfort and love I’d ever known away from me, and my heart filled with hate and longing that day. Something that I’ve never shaken and has been buried deep in my bones ever since.
What the hell am I thinking? I was right initially, I’ll never be good enough for her, she deserves so much better than me and what I have to offer her. Maybe I should just stick with being her friend. That’s something I am good at, being there for others in their time of need. The thought sucks, I don’t know whether I’m coming or going at this point. Friendship sounds like a good way to get whatever will happen between Rae and me off the ground.
* * *
Ralynn
* * *
I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep for when Mom wakes me up by gently shaking the bed. “Rae, sweetheart, it’s time to take the meds the doctor gave you.”
“Mom, I just want to sleep,” I all but beg her to not wake me from my escape from reality. It’s a pain-filled sleep, but at least my nightmare isn’t slapping me in the face.
“Baby, you need to take this antibiotic and the pain meds. It will help you sleep more peacefully, it’s breaking my heart to see the grimace on your face every time you inhale.” I didn’t even realize I was doing that. Not wanting my parents to suffer any more for my bad decisions, I gently sit up with her assistance and pop the pills into my mouth that she’s holding out with her hand. When she places the glass of water to my lips, a thirst that I wasn’t aware I had takes hold and I try to gulp it all. “Easy,” Mom whispers.
Slowing down, which is harder to do than one would imagine, I begin taking slow steady gulps. The ice-cold water tastes so good as it begins to soothe the ache in my throat. “Thank you,” pushing the nearly empty glass away, I slowly lay back down on the bed. My body feels as if it’s been in a collision with an eighteen-wheeler. When I close my eyes, almost ready to drift off, that last night comes crashing down on me.
* * *
“You fucking, no good, bitch. I’m so tired of coming home to a house that should be spotless! All you do is sit around here on your ass all day! Explain to me why it’s so hard for your itty-bitty brain to acknowledge the concept that I need a clean house! And fuck, why is it so hard to throw together a decent meal...do I need to send you to cooking classes? You’re so fucking pathetic, it’s a good thing I love you because no other man would put up with your stupidity!” Smack. “Pay attention to these lessons I teach you in how to be a good housewife, because you will be needing them! Punch.
“Please, please stop. I’ll do better, I swear it.” Begging him to stop has become an everyday occurrence in my life.
“You’ll do better! That’s what you always say, and yet, you’ve never accomplished that. Why do you think that is?” Kick. “I can tell you why, it’s because you’re a spoilt little bitch! You’ll never be enough! Ever!” Lights out.
* * *
“No! I’ll be better I swear it! I’ll be enough!” I sit up screaming. My throat feels raw with how powerful I exclaim those words. Breaking down into sobs I feel my parents wrap their arms around me. Mom’s sobbing and Dad’s growling deep within his chest.
“You’re perfect just the way you are. You don’t need to change for no motherfucker. Do you hear me, sweetpea? You are perfect!” Dad’s choked up voice breaks another piece of me.
I just want to be normal again. I want to feel anything other than numb, fear and anger. Is this what my life will be? How long will I be this pathetic version of a human walking through life? I need more! I need...I need, fuck! I have no clue what I need.
I never want to walk around on eggshells again.
I never want to cower down to another individual again.
I never want to feel pathetic.
I never want to feel unlovable.
I never want to feel weak.
I never want to be vulnerable.
I never want to love.
I just want to be alone.
Six
Jaxson
The next day
We’re sitting in church hearing all the information Bandit and Jonas Nelson have been able to piece together on Marcus and his father and the news is anything but good. If Nan hadn’t put a moratorium on us destroying any more furniture, I’m positive that there would be nothing but kindling left of our chairs.
A dirty district attorney. One with so many skeletons in his closet it would take decades to sort them all out. Thanks to Bandit and Jonas, however, we’ve got the Cliff notes version, which still fucking sucks.
“Tig called in just before church and as we expected, our house is now trashed. Windows are broken, trash thrown throughout the yard, furniture is slashed and stuffing from the furniture is missing. He destroyed her electronics, they’re smashed beyond recognition. Twisted has arranged for folks to go up and make it secure again,” Axe states.
When I look at him, I ask the question, “What about me and Capone?”
He continues by saying, “We need you two here. Better to pay for someone they don’t know than to send our company up there. Trust me.”
If there’s anyone I do trust, it’s Axe. If he verbalizes we’re needed here, then I’ll wait for my assignment.
Axe nods at Bandit, who reiterates what we know so far about Marcus’ father because we missed a lot hollering. “Okay, it seems that Marcus’ mother disappeared under somewhat suspicious circumstances. She hasn’t been seen in years, her credit cards haven’t been used and there’s no social media ‘footprint’ to trace her on. I reached out to Jonas Nelson because he has sources I don’t, and he said that while they suspect the husband, with no proof, he has been able to remain the district attorney. During his last election, his opponent came down with a life-threatening illness and had to withdraw. He was apparently poisoned but it triggered organ failure and he spent a month in the intensive care unit and is now in a nursing home, unable to care for himself. Again, word on the street according to Jonas is that Welch had someth
ing to do with it, but he was never anywhere near where his opponent was. He’s got deep pockets that extend to several offshore accounts where his illegal monies are deposited. This is just the thin layer of things we’ve been able to trace. I have a feeling we’ll find more, but right now, these are the things we’re concentrating on and trying to prove. Law and Chief are assisting us in the investigation.”
If the wife ‘disappeared’, we need to make sure Rae is hidden because Marcus’ mother had a social presence and Rae is in college, and lately her professors wouldn’t even miss her because she’s been working online. Plus, it took us awhile to go down and check things out. We wanted to give her the freedom that Maysen had while away. The only ones who would miss her would be us, her family. My thoughts are swirling with ways to keep her safe without taking away her identity.
“How are we gonna protect my daughter from that motherfucker while taking him down?” Hatch asks. Seems we’re on the same mental wavelength.
“Working on that, Hatch. Bandit is upgrading the security here at the clubhouse and will be working at all of our places to do the same in case she is visiting one of the old ladies or kids.”
“I have an idea,” Smokey speaks up causing me to internally groan.
“What’s that?” Twisted asks him, guess his curiosity is piqued. I’d prefer not to suffer through another one of his comedy acts, but I’m not in charge here and am forced to go with the flow.
“The cabin,” he states, surveying the room.
“What about it?” Axe questions.
“It’s not in the club or members’ names. We could send her there with a brother or two for protection and she’d be safe to heal. While she’s doing that, we could all keep going forward and do what needs to be done with the Welch’s.” Color me dumbfounded, he actually has a brilliant idea for once.
Jaxson & Ralynn Page 5