“Fine with me,” I declare.
“That works, I’m not wanting anything romantic either.” Maxum and I look at each other pondering if she’s really okay. That’s not like her to not want some sort of romance, even if it’s a Rom Com. I shrug my shoulders thinking that we shouldn’t bring it up. I’m not a shrink and am not in the mood to try and figure out the inner workings of her right now. I’m happy with just letting it be and pretending everything is fine in our world.
We just sat down, got the movie started and I have my fork to my mouth when we all hear a startling ‘No!’ shrieked out. I drop my stuff on the coffee table and run to her room. When I see her thrashing on the bed mumbling incoherent words, I crawl into the bed next to her and wrap my arms around her. “You’re safe, Rae. Listen to my voice, come back to us.” She continues to thrash a few minutes longer before she settles into the embrace of my arms. She begins to cry in her sleep and I look up at the doorway and see Lily standing there with tears streaming down her face and Maxum wrapping his own arms around her. He begins whispering in her ear and she nods her head yes and they leave.
“I swear to you on my life, you are safe. No one will ever make you scared or hurt you again, Rae. Sleep, sweet girl, let your demons rest, I’ll protect you from all of them.” And I will, I’ll slay all of her dragons and fight any unknown ghost who tries to invade her sleep. “I love you, Rae.”
“Love you too, Jaxson,” she mumbles while still asleep. My chest tightens and my heart beats faster. She may be asleep, but hearing those words gives me hope that I haven’t lost her.
I must’ve fallen asleep because I wake feeling someone’s eyes on me. “When did you crawl into bed with me, Jaxson? And why?”
“You had a bad dream, the only way you’d settle is with me here. How are you feeling?”
“Like I’ve been wrung dry.” I can only imagine the shit that’s stored in her head.
“You hungry?” Now that we’re both awake and face-to-face, I’m rethinking being in bed next to her because my body’s reacting to her nearness. My dick hasn’t been this hard since the first time I had sex with Laura Lee when I was fifteen and she sucked me dry.
“I could eat,” she replies. I roll away from her and get out of the bed, then go to her side and help her up. “I’m not an invalid,” she snaps.
“Let me help you, Rae, you just woke up. Your body is still healing and I know you must be sore. I’m just trying to be your friend, please don’t deny me this.”
“Fine.” Great, the other four-letter ‘f’ word that men around the world hate hearing from a woman’s lips. She stomps to the bathroom and slams the door behind her, causing a grin to form. There’s my girl. The sass is still around and I’ll take it if it means she’s on the road to healing.
I take the time she’s in the bathroom to adjust my dick so it’s less obvious and when I realize that I’m failing miserably, I head to the other bathroom to see if I can take care of the issue so she’s not uncomfortable. While I’ve never considered myself a two pump kinda guy, it doesn’t take long before I’m muffling my own groans as I come. Once I’ve cleaned myself up and taken the towel back into my room to dump in my dirty clothes, I head downstairs and into the kitchen. Maxum gives me a knowing smirk and I flip him off before I open up the fridge and pull out the food they picked up. I’m sure he’s stroked himself at thoughts of Lily on several different occasions so I’m not going to take his taunting to heart. Transferring it to a plate, I pop it into the microwave and get it reheated just in time for Rae to enter the kitchen. “Here, sit down. Whatcha want to drink?” I probe.
“Water’s fine, thank you.” She’s a bit quieter than she was a little bit ago and I wonder if it’s the stress from the day taking its toll. I’m trying to be as helpful as I can without overstepping and pissing her off.
“Rae, we found a hair salon when we went to town, do you wanna make appointments?” Lily asks.
“Are you subtly trying to tell me my hair needs work?” she jokes with Lily and I love to see the banter she has with everyone coming back.
“Well...now that you mention it,” Lily begins to tease, “your ends are rather split. Plus, they do nails there too!” I barely prevent the eye roll that wants to pop out. I hated it when I was a prospect and had to transport the girls and women to their ‘spa’ days. We’d sit outside for hours while they received the works, somehow, I doubt this time will be any different.
“That sounds good to me,” Rae states. “It’s been a long time since I’ve done any of that.” We all fall silent, to the point that you could hear a pin drop, because it’s probable that the last time she enjoyed such a normal activity was before douchebag entered the picture. My hatred for him grows by leaps and bounds every single time she mentions something she’s missed or not been allowed to do.
“Great! I uh, already made appointments for tomorrow.”
“Then why did you ask if I wanted to make one?” Rae questions.
“Because I was giving you the choice. If you’d have said no, I would’ve texted her and canceled,” Lily admits. “But I think it’d make you feel good.”
She’s got a point. Maybe if Rae does something like that, it’ll help her feel a bit more normal. “Guess we’re going to town tomorrow,” I assert, watching as Maxum is behind the girls waving his hands dramatically in the air. I hold in my chuckle at his humorous display. He really hates being on that detail.
“Why don’t I hit the grocery store while Jaxson takes you girls?” I give him a go to hell look when the girls turn to face him. My middle fingers on both hands may have flown in his direction. He gives me a shit-eating grin when they turn back away from him. Fucker. I’ll pay him back, though.
“That sounds like a plan, I have a list…” Rae’s eyes light up as she states this, and just like the snap of a finger, I’m happy that I’ll be with them and not on the store run. “Just be sure you get the brands I ask for and not some generic shit,” she tells Maxum. “The last time you picked up food, you got the no-name crap and it was awful.”
“When?” He counters with a question.
“When you went for the clubhouse two years ago.” Jesus, she’s got the memory of a savant. I can barely remember the day before yesterday and she remembers things from when she was six years old.
“Fuck, you still remember that?”
“My memory is long, mister, and don’t you forget it.” Laughter rings out in the kitchen as we settle in to eat and I’m once again glad that I’m here, keeping her safe and watching her come back into her own. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed her while she was away, but it’s coming back to me like a sledgehammer to the heart.
Eight
Jaxson
Two weeks at the cabin
Ralynn must’ve had a hard therapy session today because she’s sitting on the couch lost in the roaring blazes of the fire. Lily couldn’t stand watching her so Maxum took her into town to get some lunch and supplies we’re running low on. She didn’t want to leave Rae, but I convinced her I wouldn’t leave her side. I make us both a cup of hot cocoa and sit hers in front of her. She still hasn’t said a word and it worries me about how closed off she is.
Sitting down in front of the hearth and getting lost in the flames myself, I figure now is as good of a time as any to lay my heart at her feet. “I know you don’t wanna talk, but I need to get a few things off my chest.” I turn around looking at her, she still hasn’t moved. “I know what it’s like to be the victim of your circumstances, Rae.” Clearing my throat, I continue to talk, this is going to be hard to get out, but for her I’d slay myself wide open if it helped her move forward from her inner captivity. “My dad was a mean bastard. The first time I can remember him raising his hand to me I wasn’t much older than four years old.”
She turns her head in my direction, finally gathering her attention, I turn back and look at the fire. I can't look at her and see the disgust on her face while I share my shame. “He had bea
ten my mother something fierce. She was laying on the kitchen floor, coated in blood and I could see the bruises forming on her skin. I was petrified, she wasn’t moving and I thought for sure she was dead.”
I hear a whimper escape her mouth and continue on without acknowledging it. “I crawled to her from the living room, trying not to let him see me. He always got angry when he saw me, so I tried to blend in. I remember crying her name, shaking her, just wanting her to open her eyes so I knew she hadn’t left me.” The memory opens up and I tell the story as I’m reliving it.
* * *
“Momma, please wake up.” I silently beg her, I know I should stay locked in my room but I need to make sure she’s okay.
“Boy! What the fuck are you doing out of your room? You know better than to come out until I say it’s okay!” The anger and hatred he exhibits towards me scares me, but I still can’t force my tiny body to move and run from him. He didn’t used to be like this but Momma says it’s because he got hurt and can’t work anymore. I wish Uncle Benny was here.
“Is Momma going to be okay?” I know better than to ask him any questions, I’m not supposed to speak to him unless he’s spoken to me first. He tells me all the time that I’m supposed to be seen and not heard. My daddy’s brother has tried to help me and Momma, but Daddy makes him leave every time he comes to visit. He won’t take any money...says we don’t take no hands out from anyone. I wish he’d take some of the money so my tummy doesn’t get so hungry all the time. I don’t know why he says hands out, because he never does it, never accepts it.
“Get your ass to your room!” The thunder from his voice makes me jump. Nobody is as scary as Daddy is when he’s been drinking his special medicine. Momma says he drinks it to help him, but I don’t think it’s working. He’s even started smoking special cigarettes, but they make him extra hungry and he gets mad that there’s not much food in the house. I finally find my legs and get up to scamper out of the room.
“Yes, sirs,” I say in an attempt to get on his good side. Momma says he has one, but all of his sides look the same to me.
* * *
“He followed me into the bedroom and that’s the first time I felt his belt break open my flesh.”
“Oh God, no...no, no, no, no, no,” she whispers. Still not having the strength to look at her, I keep going.
“The next time that’s clear as day is the time I brought a C home on a book report. I must’ve been about nine years old.” I’d worked on it by myself because I was too scared to ask for help. I was proud of my accomplishments because I had a hard time reading and spelling. The counselor at school had tried to get my parents to get me tested, but my dad didn’t want the world to know how stupid his son was and declined. “He took me out to his woodshed and this time got creative with his punishment. He pulled a strap from the wall, I can still remember the way it looked in his hands. It was long, dark brown and looked rubber, I learned with the first strike that it wasn’t. It was leather, real leather, not that fake shit. I bore the marks from that day for two months. I had a hard time walking and getting out of bed. But I did, going to school was my only escape from him.”
I hear her get off the couch, but don’t comprehend that she’s come up behind me and wraps her arms around my waist. “Years, Rae. I had years of watching him torture and beat my mother. Years of hiding, ducking and praying that he’d be so drunk that he wouldn’t remember I existed. I’ve got more scars physically, emotionally and mentally to fill the entire population of the US of A. What you suffered, I know all about it. Feeling dirty, useless, unloveable, unwanted...all of it. I feel it every single day of my life. It’s the reason I pushed you away and said those things I’ve always told you. It wasn’t because I didn't want you. The opposite in fact, I didn’t just want you, I needed you and that scared the everloving shit out of me, still does. But I’m not good, what if I become him? It’s all I can think about. You deserve so much more than a man can offer you, more than I can give you. But I love you, Rae. I love you so fucking much that it hurts and terrifies me. I know you must be disgusted by me, never wanna be with me. I don’t blame you, not really. I know you should run as far away from me as you can, but I’m not sure that I can let you go ever again. I think I’d chase you to the ends of the earth if you’d just look at me and want me the way you used to.”
The back of my shirt is soaked from her tears and her hands haven’t quit running over me in a soothing gesture. “What,” she starts but I quickly interrupt.
“I need to get the rest out.” I know she has questions and wants to talk, but the worst has yet to be shared. “He kicked me out when I was eighteen, telling me I was a man now and needed to make my own way in the world. What he meant was that I was bigger and stronger than him and had started standing up to him. He hated it, he needed to have complete control of his family and have us petrified of him. I would go visit my mother when I knew he wouldn’t be home. I was sitting at the kitchen table speaking to her one afternoon when I heard the front door crash open. I knew...knew he was drunk. I looked at my mom across the table and I swear the fear in her eyes captivated me, I couldn’t move. Something hard hit the back of my head and I remember falling out of my chair.”
“Oh no,” she mumbles into my neck.
“He continued to beat me with the object he’d had in his hands. I didn’t know what it was at the time, but it was a two by four he’d picked up from the front yard when he saw me through the window. When he saw me, he decided that he was tired of us and wanted to take us out. He wanted the freedom that he thought we’d taken from him for years. He hated us so much that he wanted us both dead. I couldn’t move, he cracked my ribs, broke my right leg and bashed my head so many times that I couldn’t see. He’d ruptured my eye socket so everything was blurry and I was dazed and confused. As I laid there on the ground bleeding out, I watched as he beat my mother to death with the same piece of wood. There was nothing I could do, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t help her. I had to lay there immobile while he murdered her. When he thought he’d killed the both of us and left, I finally gathered enough strength to crawl over to my mom. I grabbed her hand in mine and watched the life fade from her. I passed out and woke up with EMT’s, police and the fire department surrounding us. I had, during that time, taken my mother’s hand in mine and had a death grip on her. They had to pry my hand from her lifeless one. To this day, I wake up from the nightmares and remember the feeling of her cold hand gripping mine. Even in death, she wanted to comfort me.”
By now, my hands are gripping hers that are around my waist. I don’t want to see the look on her face, but her sobs are breaking my heart. “Rae, please don’t, I’m not worth your tears.”
“You stupid foolish man,” she sobs out, “how can you think you’re not good enough? How can you believe that no one would want you? Or that you’d be like him? How? Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve always protected me, protected us. Even when we likely drove you crazy, you still looked out for us kids and did whatever we wanted as long as we were safe. Please don’t tell me you’re not good enough, because you’ve always been good enough for me. It’s me that’s not.”
I turn at her words and pull her into my arms. We’ve hugged in the past but this time, it feels monumental, like something huge has shifted between us. “Rae, the first time I met you, you were like a drink of water to a thirsty man. I was still so upset about my mom and everything that had happened and there you were, pigtails flying, declaring you were gonna marry me someday. I still felt like I had her blood all over me and you were like a bright shiny penny. I wasn’t attracted to you like I am now, so don’t think I’m some kind of a creep or pervert, but I could tell you were serious and it scared the fuck outta me. Hell, how I feel still scares me half to death and probably always will.”
“Can I ask you something?” Her words are broken and clogged.
I’m still shocked that she’s even willing to talk to me let alone let me hold her after my confession, so
all I can do is say, “You can ask me anything.” And for the first time in a really long time, I’m not scared of someone asking deep, dark, personal questions. I want her to know everything about me.
“What about your uncle you mentioned? Why couldn’t you go live with him?”
“He lived in one of those tiny houses and didn’t have the room. He was as involved as he could be given the circumstances. In fact, he taught me how to do woodworking and let me help him on various construction projects he had. He was a good man, Rae, but his hands were tied in a lot of ways. He had a past of his own and felt that he wouldn’t be given the chance to take me in and he didn’t want me going into the system. That’s why he started sneaking money to my mom and why he would do shit for me when he could without my father knowing. He did his best.”
“And what about...him?” she questions. “I don’t want to say your dad because well, no dad treats his child, his own flesh and blood like that, but whatever happened with all of that?”
“He’s on death row. A neighbor heard all of the yelling and cussing and called the authorities. That’s how they found out and came to the scene. I remember one of the EMTs getting sick outside in the bushes. He was new and it was the first time he’d seen anything of that caliber. It’s one of the memories that’s stuck in my mind. Anyways, I believe he’s going through the last of his appeals, but honestly, he died in my eyes that day when he killed my mom.”
“How did you end up in Corinth? With the Rebel Guardians?” When I told her she could ask me anything, I wasn’t expecting so many different subjects, I thought we’d be talking strictly about my parents and childhood. I’m relieved that we aren’t stuck on that subject.
Jaxson & Ralynn Page 7