by Gerri Hill
“You came back,” he said, his voice raspy from coughing.
She nodded, noting how pale he looked today. He glanced at the nurse, motioning her away with a weak wave of his hand.
“My time is short,” he said. “I think they know.”
“The guys?”
He nodded. “They don’t come around so much anymore. I think dying is women’s work. Men aren’t strong enough.”
“No. Men aren’t strong enough for a lot of things,” she said. She moved to the window, staring out at the lake.
“Who was that woman you were with?”
She turned, a question in her eyes. Ah. He saw them at the lake. She cleared her throat. “Kerry Elder, the consultant your sons have hired.”
“The dude ranch thing,” he said, coughing again. “They’re trying to save the ranch.”
“What happened? Why is it losing money?”
He coughed again, turning his head into his pillow. When he turned back around, Carson saw sadness in his eyes. “My father—and his father before him—ran a tight ship here. They built this ranch. They had business sense. So did my brother,” he said, pausing to cough again. “If only he’d lived. He was meant to run the place, not me. The boys, for all their hard work, got my brains for business, not my father’s.” His breathing was shallow, and she wondered if he had the strength to continue. “Bad decisions over the years. Can’t change that now.”
“Well, this might work out. Bring in some cash anyway.”
She watched him, his eyes looking far away. There wasn’t a lot of life left in them, she could see that. It was as if he was ready to die, but his body wouldn’t let him. Not yet.
“Do you know why I sent you away?” he asked, surprising her.
“You hated me?”
“I looked at you and I saw her,” he said. “And I wished it was you that had died that day. Not her.”
“Don’t you think I wished the same? I would have gladly taken her place.”
“I needed to blame someone. I needed answers. I was hurting so much,” he said, his voice cracking. “I died that day too.”
“Don’t you think I was hurting too?” she asked as she moved closer to his bed. “I’m the one who had to bring her back here. I’m the one who had to see it happen. Yet no one seemed to care that I was hurting,” she said loudly, tapping her chest. “Everyone was so goddamned concerned about you.” She stood beside him, meeting his eyes. “I was hurting too. But I didn’t get any comfort. I got accused. I got blamed. I got ostracized from the family. I got sent away.”
“There was nothing else I could do.”
“Bullshit,” she said loudly. “You could have been a man and accepted it. I had to. It was an accident. That’s all it was. An accident. Not my fault. Not anyone’s fault. Yet you couldn’t handle it. You blamed an eighteen-year-old kid. You blamed your only daughter.” She paused, her voice thick with unshed tears. “And then you sent her away from her family.”
While her tears remained hidden, his did not. They streamed down his face, and she very nearly felt sorry for him. The nurse briskly pushed her aside.
“You should leave. I think you’ve done enough damage for one day,” she said as she held a cloth to her father’s face as he coughed.
Carson felt a stab of guilt as she watched her father cry, but she turned away without another word. As she walked back down the hall, Kerry stood in the doorway to her bedroom, her eyes filled with concern. No doubt she’d heard it all. Carson shook her head at Kerry’s unspoken question, moving on to her own room, but Kerry followed.
“Carson?”
“I’m okay,” she said. “Just working on that closure I thought I needed.” She went immediately to the window, keeping her back to Kerry as her tears threatened. She had cried so much after her mother died, after she got sent away, that she didn’t think she’d have any tears left to shed. And certainly none for him. But she’d been alone—and lonely—for so long, it just all hit her at once. He didn’t love her. Not then. Certainly not now. He blamed her. He wished her dead.
The gentle, tentative touch on her back only compounded her loneliness. She ducked her head, willing her tears to stop. They didn’t.
“Come here,” Kerry said, slowly turning her around.
It was absurd, this stranger offering her comfort, but she took it anyway. Her eyes squeezed closed as surprisingly strong arms held her.
“God, I’m sorry,” she whispered as she buried her face in Kerry’s shoulder. She’d never broken down before in front of anyone, not even Rebecca. Yet here she was, practically sobbing as she clung to Kerry.
“Shhh. No. I heard everything. You don’t have to be sorry.”
For the first time in years, Carson didn’t feel so terribly alone. She unburdened her soul, letting the years wash away along with her tears. Kerry held her while she cried, murmuring incoherent sounds as her hands moved soothingly against her back. Carson—as was completely natural for her—let her body sink against Kerry, not caring that their embrace was far more intimate than it should be. It felt too good to be held and comforted that she had no desire to pull away. But the slamming of truck doors broke the moment. Soon, male voices filled the downstairs, and she stepped out of Kerry’s arms, now feeling embarrassed for having clung to her so.
She cleared her throat, then went to the dresser and grabbed a handful of tissues, quietly blowing her nose and attempting to dry her eyes. She didn’t want her brothers to see her like this.
“Thank you,” she finally said. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything.”
Carson pointed to the wet spot on her shirt. “I—”
“It’s okay. I don’t mind.” She met her eyes. “When you’re ready to talk, I’ll be here.”
When, Carson noted. Not if, but when. She nodded, accepting the invitation. They both glanced at the closed door as they heard heavy footsteps on the stairs.
“You don’t want Cody to catch you in here,” Carson said. “I wasn’t joking earlier when I mentioned he hates lesbians,” she said, trying to lighten the mood. “The fact that I’m his sister doesn’t matter in the least.”
“Then I better run,” she said, matching Carson’s smile. “See you at dinner.”
Carson turned back to the window when Kerry opened her door. She knew Cody would be in the hallway, and she didn’t want to see his accusing eyes on her. She’d had enough accusations for one day.
“What were you doing in there?” Carson tilted her head when she heard her brother’s voice.
“Talking,” Kerry answered.
“I need to tell you something about my sister.”
Oh, wow. Gonna drop the “she’s gay” bombshell now? She rolled her eyes.
“Too late.”
“You need to stay away from her.”
Kerry frowned. “Whatever for?”
“She’s...she’s gay,” he said as he twisted his hands nervously together.
Kerry smiled at him. “I know she’s gay. It’s not a contagious disease, Cody.”
“You can’t trust her, that’s all I’m saying. She doesn’t care if you’re not just like her. She’ll force herself on you.”
Kerry couldn’t believe she was hearing this. Or maybe she could. Cody was obviously insecure, but it definitely wasn’t her place to reassure him.
“I’ll take your concern under advisement, but I’m certainly not going to avoid her,” she said.
He stared at her, his eyes finding the wet spot on her shirt. “Why are you wet?”
“I...I spilled water,” she said evasively.
“Look, I don’t mean to sound so paranoid, but if she does anything, says anything, you let me know.”
“Cody, I can take care of myself. I’m not afraid of your sister,” she said. She pointed to her laptop. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to work. I believe you are paying me to produce a website,” she said with a smile, trying to soften her words. Unf
ortunately, he didn’t take her hint to leave.
“You know, we’re going to be gone with the herd in about a week,” he said.
“Yes. We’ll be starting on the bunkhouse then.”
“Well, before we go, I thought you might want to take a trip into town. We could, maybe, get dinner...catch a movie,” he said hopefully.
“Cody, as much as I enjoy spending time with you, I really can’t afford to go out,” she said, choosing her words carefully. “Six months may seem like a long time, but it’ll go by so fast. There is so much preparation to do to get us ready for guests.” She went to the door and held it open. “Now, let me get back to work. I’ll see you at dinner.”
She let out an exasperated breath when he finally left her, puzzled by the possessiveness he seemed to be showing. Why, oh why, did she ever flirt with him in the first place?
To get the contract, remember? “Oh, yeah,” she murmured. “The contract.”
She went toward the bed where she’d tossed her laptop earlier when she’d heard Carson’s loud voice. She caught sight of her reflection in the mirror, her gaze drawn to her shirt, still damp with Carson’s tears. She touched it, running her fingers over it. When Carson had come out of her father’s room, she had a look of pure agony on her face. Kerry didn’t care that they didn’t know each other very well, she simply couldn’t bear seeing the pain in her eyes.
She hadn’t met the father and knew nothing of the circumstances of their mother’s death—or Carson’s leaving, for that matter—but no one should have to suffer through the emotional abandonment that Carson obviously had. Emotional and physical. It seemed the most natural thing in the world to offer comfort and a shoulder to cry on. She’d been afraid Carson would resist but she didn’t pull away. Quite the opposite. She clung to her as if they were...lovers.
Kerry met her eyes in the mirror, wondering at the faint hum in her body, wondering at her fascination with Carson Cartwright.
Chapter Twelve
“You sure were quiet at dinner,” Chase said as they strolled along the road. Carson skipped their after-dinner drink in their father’s office and opted for a walk instead.
“I saw the old man,” she said. “After he told me he wished I’d died instead of her, he broke down in tears. I felt like an ass,” she admitted.
“Jesus. He cried? I haven’t seen him cry since, well, since we buried her.”
“Yeah. Some closure I’m getting, huh,” she said.
“You want to talk about it?”
She shook her head. “No. I’m tired of thinking about it.”
“Why the walk then?”
“Cody was giving me the stare down all during dinner. I needed to get out of the house.”
“I thought he was acting weird. What’s going on?”
She laughed. “He caught Kerry in my room.”
“Whoa, sis. What’s up with that?” He playfully nudged her arm. “You’re not thinking of—”
“No. She heard me talking to the old man and I was upset. So she was just—” Carson glanced at Chase, deciding not to tell him that she had broken down and cried in Kerry’s arms. “She was just checking on me, that’s all. Cody, of course, ran up the stairs as soon as he came in the house. I can’t believe the way he’s acting with her.”
Chase laughed. “It’s got to be déjà vu with him. Whenever Angie would be here at the ranch, all she wanted to do was follow you around, not him. He’s probably afraid Kerry will do the same.”
“No. All Angie wanted to do was get naked with me so I could give her what Cody couldn’t. An orgasm.”
“So they were sleeping together? I thought he was so upset because she was putting out for you but not him.”
“No. He was upset because he watched us and saw how... passionate she was,” Carson said with a grin. “He knew then that she’d been faking it with him.”
“Oh. Low blow,” Chase said.
“Yeah. His sixteen-year-old sister could get her off but he couldn’t.”
“Okay, okay. Let’s stop talking about Cody’s sex life,” he said.
“Does he have a sex life? Do any of you?”
“Like I said, there aren’t—”
“That’s just crap, Chase. It’s not normal for the four of you to be bachelors. Hell, meet someone online, if nothing else,” she said.
“I think Colt has tried that.”
“And?”
“Some chick from Billings. One date. That’s it. But even in high school, he didn’t really date.”
“And you?”
“And me what?”
“Damn Chase. You’re cute as hell. You should have women all over you.”
He stopped walking and turned to her, their eyes meeting as darkness settled around them.
“What if I don’t want them?” he asked quietly.
She stared at him. “What does that mean?”
He shook his head and turned to go, but she stopped him with a touch on his arm. “Chase?”
“I don’t...I don’t date women, Car.”
“Okay, baby brother, what are you saying?”
“Do I have to spell it out for you?”
She stared at him, still frowning, then her eyes widened. “Oh, my God!” She slapped her thigh, nearly roaring with laughter. “You’re gay?”
“Will you keep it down?” He tugged her arm, leading them farther from the house.
“They don’t know?”
“Of course not. After what he did to you, you think I was going to come out to him?”
“Oh, man. How long?”
“Always.”
“Always? Then why didn’t you tell me? I told you.”
“I was scared.” He laughed quietly. “Actually, I was hoping it would just go away.”
“Yeah. Funny that it doesn’t, huh?”
“Yeah.”
They stared at each other, smiles playing on both their faces. Then she grabbed him, pulling him into a tight hug.
“God, my baby brother is a queen,” she teased. She leaned back, grinning. “That would send him to his grave for sure.”
“It’s funny, you know. When I saw how well mom handled things with you, I wanted to tell her too. I’d finally worked up the nerve to talk to her. But...” he said, his voice trailing away.
“Yeah. There were a lot of things I didn’t get to tell her either,” Carson said. She shook her head. “I just can’t believe you never told me.”
“It all happened so fast there at the end, there was never a good time. And then you were gone, and I was left here with my secret.”
She stopped walking as full dark was upon them. She looked to the sky, seeing a million stars overhead. Oh, how she missed the night sky. Cool and quiet, nothing but stars.
“So what do you do?” she asked. “I mean, for entertainment.”
“When it’s slow here at the ranch, I take off for long weekends,” he said.
“You don’t cruise the bars, do you?”
“I used to. But I’ve met a handful of guys online. It’s been enough years that we’ve become friends.”
“Friends with benefits?”
“Oh yeah,” he said.
“But no one special? No one you’re in love with?”
He shook his head. “I only get off the ranch four or five times a year. You can’t fall in love like that,” he said. “Maybe someday,” he said wistfully. “What about you?”
“No. There’s been no one.”
“Why not? You have the looks and money.”
“Yeah. That’s why. The crowd I hang with, money is all that matters.” Of course, it was her choice to hang with them. Rebecca taught her well. Sex, fun...no complications.
“Maybe you need a new crowd,” he suggested.
“Oh, I don’t know. It’s what I’m used to, I guess. I never had any intention of settling down. Love hurts.”
“Yeah. But that’s what makes it real. I don’t want to shun love. I just haven’t found it yet.”
“So what do you guys do at night? You just retire to your own suites?”
“Pretty much. We split up after dinner and meet up again at breakfast.”
“Strange.”
“Not really. We work together. We see each other all day long. I look forward to my alone time,” he said.
“And that big ass TV.” She bumped his shoulder when they reached the porch. “So, you ever going to tell them?”
“Maybe when I leave.”
“You have plans? I thought you loved it here,” she said.
“I do. For the most part. But I feel stagnant. I’ve been saving. You know the old man gives us a salary, right? Crazy money considering we live for free, but he always has.”
“Maybe that’s why the ranch is going under.”
“No. It’s not like we’re operating in the red,” he said. “At least not according to Chance. But I’ve saved up quite a bit. I think I’d like to breed horses full time. What with Windstorm and all, I’ve made a lot of contacts.”
“Buy you a little ranch somewhere?”
He nodded. “Idaho, just across the border. I’ve got my eye on some land there. Just gorgeous.” He smiled. “I can see calling that home.”
“You need some money? Because I can—”
“No, sis. I got the money. But they’re asking above going rate. I love it, but I’m not willing to pay that much. He’ll come down eventually.”
“I think that’s great. I’m shocked though. It never occurred to me that you’d want to leave here.”
“Oh, hell, Car. You’ve been around a week. There’s not a whole lot of fun happening here. And once the old man dies, well, there’s nothing to hold the place together.”
“Then why are you doing this conversion?” she asked. “Why not just sell?”
“I mentioned it once and Chance nearly had a coronary. It’s been in the family a hundred and fifty years.”
“Yeah, but none of you are married. There are no sons to pass it on to. What the hell are you working for?”