by Gerri Hill
“Maybe you and Chase could get something together,” she suggested.
“Oh yeah? Like play with horses?” She leaned closer, kissing Kerry softly. “Can I play with you too?”
A simple, teasing question, yet Kerry knew there was an undertone of seriousness about it. When her six months was up here—if she even made the six months—she had no idea where she’d go next. The potential client in Idaho? Or maybe hit some of the contacts she’d made while with Randall? She had no idea.
She decided to ignore Carson’s question behind the question and keep her answer light and teasing as well. She dipped her head, her mouth grazing across Carson’s nipple.
“I’ll play with you anytime, anywhere,” she murmured. She looked up, meeting Carson’s gaze, seeing a bit of her insecurities slip back into place. It was the wrong response, obviously. But God, what did she tell her? That she was in danger of falling in love with her? But she had no chance to change her answer. Carson pushed her back against the bed, settling her weight on top of her.
“Let’s play now.”
Kerry woke, feeling the coldness of the bed, knowing Carson had been gone for some time. It was dark out and she sat up, looking around for a clock. She found none. She lay back down, still exhausted. There had been no more discussion last night, not with words, anyway. But there was a depth, a fervor in their lovemaking that Kerry knew they would be hard-pressed to match. She wasn’t sure how it happened but they’d both ended up crying, the emotional give-and-take too much for them. She’d opened herself, letting Carson see everything. There were no words, no, but Carson had gathered her close, her gentle crying bringing on Kerry’s own tears when their bodies were finally sated.
Carson, most likely, was embarrassed by her emotional outpouring. She’d clung to Kerry, much like a drowning woman might cling to her capsized boat, fingers holding tight, Carson’s touch frantic on her skin. The next minute, she’d be in control again, her kisses nearly desperate, demanding things from Kerry that she didn’t think she had the energy to give. But give she did, her body no longer hers to control. She had never had anyone need her as much as Carson had and she’d certainly never experienced lovemaking like they’d shared.
She had no idea when Carson had left their bed. She didn’t remember falling asleep. Most likely, her body had simply collapsed from exhaustion. But she made herself move now, getting up, needing to find Carson. Her clothes were scattered about, but she spied Carson’s robe and she slipped it on, walking barefoot out into the hallway and down the stairs.
The house was dark but she found her sitting in the study, the bottle of scotch out beside her. She leaned in the doorway, watching. Carson looked up, the shadows making it hard to read her eyes. Then she said the very words Kerry knew she would say.
“I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?” Kerry asked gently, not sure how much she could push Carson into answering.
“It was...it was too much,” Carson said. “I had no right to—”
“If it was too much, I would have asked you to stop,” Kerry said, interrupting her. “And you would have.”
“Yes. But I’m just not used to this, I’m not used to needing someone like this, like I did tonight,” she whispered. “It’s frightening to know that I do.”
Kerry moved into the room then, going behind Carson and draping her arms across her shoulders. She bent down, kissing the top of her head, feeling Carson tremble from such a light touch.
“It’s okay when we both need like this,” she said softly. “I didn’t want you to stop, Carson. And when I needed, you gave to me. Isn’t that what it’s all about?”
“Yes.”
Kerry straightened, but did not move from behind her. She trailed her fingers through Carson’s hair. “Tell me what’s bothering you.”
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
Carson gave a gentle laugh. “Because it’s crazy.”
Kerry’s hand didn’t still as it continued threading through Carson’s hair. “Are you worried about your brothers coming back?”
Carson nodded.
“Worried that it’ll be different? That I’ll be different?” she guessed.
“Cody will want to talk. He...he thinks that there’s something between you. And you have the threat of the contract. It would be easier for you to just—”
“Stop it right there,” she said, finally moving, kneeling down in front of Carson’s chair. “Is that what you’re afraid of? That my curiosity has been satisfied? Jesus, Carson. After what we just shared, that’s what you’re thinking?” She stood quickly, her anger flaring. “You think this is some act? Some game I’m playing?” She tapped her chest. “I’m scared to death over what I’m feeling. Don’t you dare belittle this by thinking that all I care about is the damn contract.”
She spun on her heels, racing from the room and back up the stairs. She didn’t want to be angry with Carson, not after the beautiful lovemaking they’d shared. It was just hard for her to fathom that this was new to Carson too. She was the worldly one. She was the one with experience. Not Kerry. Yet Carson could be so vulnerable, so insecure.
She paused, letting her thoughts sink in. “Jesus, you’re an idiot,” she whispered. Of course she was vulnerable. Of course her insecurities showed. She’d been told she wasn’t loved, wasn’t wanted by her father. She’d been banished from her home. She’d been on her own for twelve years. Twelve years of being alone, being lonely. She hadn’t had love. She hadn’t had a home.
Kerry shook her head. Carson appeared so confident on the outside, so impervious to others, yet she was so very vulnerable on the inside. She knew she had to apologize. She’d accused Carson of thinking things that Kerry now knew were not true. Carson didn’t think Kerry was playing a game. She wasn’t that good of an actress.
She dropped the clothes she had picked up from the floor and turned, startled to find Carson standing in the doorway. She cursed herself for the tears she saw in her eyes.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. She went to Carson, into her embrace. They held tight, both of them pulling the other close. “I’m sorry,” she said again.
“Stop,” Carson murmured. “It’s just...I’m scared too, Kerry.”
“I know.” She pulled away, her eyes searching Carson’s. “I know you’re scared. You’re scared I’m going to break your heart,” she whispered, finally seeing the truth in Carson’s eyes.
“Yes.”
Kerry tried to smile. “Funny. I was thinking the very same thing about you.”
Chapter Thirty
Carson stared at her cell phone, startled by its ringing. A constant fixture before she’d come to the ranch—she’d simply plugged it in to charge and had forgotten about it. She picked it up now, seeing Rebecca’s name. She grinned, realizing she had missed her friend.
“I’ve been gone nearly a month, you just now decide to check on me?”
“The proper thing would have been for you to let me know you’re safe,” Rebecca said. “I assume you are?”
“Yes. But I’m glad you called.” She glanced at her opened door, knowing Kerry was at the bunkhouse, but she moved to close it anyway. “I need to run something by you,” she said.
“Okay. Then don’t keep me in suspense.”
Carson went to the window, staring out down the winding road and the valley beyond. She took a deep breath, already knowing what Rebecca’s reaction was going to be. “Do you think I’m capable of falling in love?”
Silence greeted her question and she could imagine Rebecca’s mind racing.
“In love? I thought I taught you better than that,” she said.
Carson noticed a strange hitch in her voice and she frowned. “Is that a yes or a no?”
“What have you done?”
“I met someone. She’s a consultant here at the ranch. And—”
“And you’ve slept with her. Good. That I did teach you,” Rebecca said with a laugh.
“That’s just it. I didn’t just sleep with her. I made love to her. That’s a first for me.”
“Oh dear God, are you serious? You really think—”
“Yeah. I do. Crazy, right?”
“I’ll say. What’s she like?”
“She’s not like anyone I’ve ever met. She wouldn’t fit in with our crowd, that’s for sure.”
“Then what’s the attraction?”
“Maybe that’s the attraction. She’s nothing like the women I’ve been with before.”
“Oh, Carson, do you have any idea what you’re saying?”
“Yeah. It’s different for me. It’s also really different for her.”
Silence again. Then, “Oh my God! She’s straight?”
“No, she’s not straight,” Carson said. “She’s just never been with a woman before.”
“Carson, sweetheart, listen to what you’re saying. That’s a classic line. You must know she’s only after your money.”
Carson laughed, although she realized the nervousness of it. “She’s not after my money. She doesn’t know anything about my finances. She thought I came here to claim part of the inheritance.”
“Oh, Carson, don’t be naive. Women are manipulative. They’ll tell you whatever you want to hear. You’ve got to be careful, Carson. Didn’t I teach you anything?”
“Yes, you taught me plenty,” she said. “But this is different, Rebecca.”
She laughed and Carson wished she’d never brought it up. Carson was scared of what she was feeling and who better to bare her soul to than Rebecca. Her friend. But she should have known better. Rebecca would never understand. She wouldn’t even try to. She’d preached to Carson for years how she didn’t need love, she only needed the physical act to be satisfied. Carson had believed her for a while. Until the emptiness of it all outweighed the pleasure.
“Do you really need this, Carson? You said yourself, she’s not going to fit in. What’s she going to do around our friends here?”
“No. She won’t fit in,” she said quietly. But then, Carson didn’t think she fit in either. She wondered if she had ever fit in. So she changed the subject. “So, you’re back in Manhattan?” she asked.
“Yes. I spent three weeks in San Francisco. I thought maybe you’d come back after your little trip.”
“No. Sorry.”
“Well, I had a good time on my own. Just let me know when you’ll be coming home. I’ll have a party.” Rebecca laughed, the sultry laugh Carson always associated with her. “With lots of ladies for appetizers, of course,” she added.
“Yeah. Okay, sure. I’ll be in touch.”
Carson ended the call, her jaw clenched tight. A party? Not just a party. One of Rebecca’s sex parties. That only added to her conviction of how truly empty her life has been, how she only pretended it was full by keeping busy, by jetting off to Europe on a whim, by trying to follow in Rebecca’s footsteps...by attending her sex parties and feigning pleasure. She tossed the phone on the dresser and shoved her hands into her pockets, her gaze still fixed on the road outside the window. Her life didn’t have to be empty. She’d bought into Rebecca’s reasoning because she’d needed to. That was the only way she could survive.
Not any longer. She was tired of that life. Tired of the empty feeling she had night after night, no matter how many of those nights women shared her bed. Because she was different now. She felt different. She wasn’t the same woman who left Rebecca in San Francisco. She didn’t want to be that woman ever again.
It occurred to her that her relationship with Rebecca was nothing more than superficial. Had it always been that way? She’d lived with her for two years before getting her own place, but their friends were mutual. Well, they were mostly Rebecca’s friends, Rebecca’s lovers. Carson had only collected Rebecca’s castoffs. They spent time together often but their conversations only grazed the surface. She knew nothing of Rebecca’s past, and until recently, Rebecca hadn’t known much about Carson’s. Hell, Rebecca hadn’t even asked if her father was still alive. Most likely because she had forgotten the reason Carson was in Montana in the first place.
She turned from the window, her gaze settling on the bed. The covers were still rumpled, despite Kerry’s attempt to straighten them. It was the most incredible night she’d ever spent with someone. It was so intense between them, so emotionally draining. She’d never needed like that before. She had no explanation for it.
Yes, she did.
But after Rebecca’s reaction, Carson didn’t want to give voice to it. Not yet.
She found Kerry sitting under the trees near the bunkhouse, her laptop balanced on her knees. She looked up when she heard Carson approach, a smile lighting her face immediately.
“Hey.”
“Hey yourself,” Carson said. She sat down beside her, folding her legs under her. “Busy?”
Kerry shook her head. “Distracted.”
“Oh?”
“When do you think they’ll be back?”
Carson shrugged. “Another couple of hours, I’d think.”
“Is it terrible of me to say I don’t want them to come back?”
Carson laughed. “Not terrible, no. Cody’s not stupid. He’ll get a clue eventually. And he won’t be happy.”
“Do you think I should talk to him? I mean, just be up front with him?”
“You’re determined for them to void your contract, huh?”
“Like I told you last night, the contract is not my biggest concern,” Kerry said. “If they void it, they void it. I’m more concerned with you and...well, all the drama that could happen when he finds out.”
“Don’t worry about me. My relationship with Cody is not going to improve or worsen. It is what it is.” That much was true. Her relationship with all of her brothers wasn’t going to be impacted by the fact that she and Kerry were sleeping together. “Let’s just see how it goes, okay?”
Kerry took a deep breath. “I’m nervous, I don’t mind saying.” She reached across the short distance separating them, lightly rubbing Carson’s thigh. “No matter what happens, I don’t regret anything,” she said. “I feel like a completely different person than the one who first came here. I feel like this is me, finally.”
Carson covered her hand, pressing it hard against her leg. “I know what you mean. I’ve been pretending to be someone I’m not, pretending that I didn’t need anyone. I’d convinced myself that I was happy, but I didn’t really know what that word meant. Not as an adult, anyway.” She wrapped her fingers around Kerry’s, squeezing. “I never knew what it felt like to truly make love with someone. To really open myself up, to give more than just sex. I never knew what it was like to give emotionally, not just physically.” She brought Kerry’s hand to her mouth and kissed it gently. “I felt raw and exposed after we made love,” she confessed. “I was terrified, really. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to put all these feelings I was having.”
Kerry leaned closer—apparently unmindful of Mr. Burris or his crew—and kissed her softly on the lips, lingering for long seconds before pulling back.
“You don’t have to be terrified of this, Carson. I just want to embrace these feelings, because it fills me up so,” Kerry said, her eyes smiling into Carson’s. “You’ve touched a place in my heart where no one else ever has. I can’t explain it any more than you can, but it’s there. So I don’t want to be terrified of it.”
Carson didn’t want to be scared of the feelings. That didn’t mean she wasn’t. If she were completely confident, she would have told Kerry she’d fallen in love with her. But to say those words out loud frightened the hell out of her. And really, she didn’t know why. She could see her feelings mirrored back at her, could see that in Kerry’s eyes. Maybe Kerry was a little bit scared too.
So she changed the subject, her glance going to the bunkhouse. “How’s it going?”
Kerry smiled quickly, acknowledging that the conversation had changed. “They’re making good time. There’s only
four of them so I thought it would drag out, but they’ve got the plumbing all in and they’ll start on the framing next.”
“Another six weeks?”
“To be totally finished, floor and all, probably. I’m still debating on only one pier and using those extra funds for the deck and sitting area. I guess I should really run it by the guys,” she said.
Carson nodded. “If you want it to pass, run it by Cody first,” she said with a wink.
Kerry laughed. “I think I’ll do a group pitch of that. No more one-on-ones,” she said.
Carson got to her feet and offered her hand, tugging Kerry up beside her. They were close but refrained from touching.
“I think I’m going to take Windstorm out,” she said. “Maybe ride up the mountain and see if I can meet them. Give them the heads-up on the old man,” she added. “But I don’t think it’ll be a surprise.”
“No. The service will be Sunday?”
“Maybe tomorrow. I saw the Hanes truck go out to the family plot,” she said. “I gave him the letter like Chance asked so it must have had instructions about the gravesite. Hanes is the one who buried my mother.”
“Who else is buried out there? I mean, I know your mother—”
“It goes back to my great-grandparents,” Carson said. “My grandparents, obviously. There are two of my father’s uncles and my father’s brother,” she said. “There are thirteen graves total, I believe. My great-grandparents lost two children when they were babies.”
“That’s kinda interesting,” Kerry said. “I mean, having a family cemetery like that. There’s so much history.”
“It’s also kinda creepy,” Carson said with a laugh. “Especially when you’re a kid and your brothers convince you of ghosts.”
Kerry laughed too, bringing her closer to Carson. This time Carson didn’t refrain from touching. It was the most natural thing in the world to wrap her arms around Kerry and hug her, their quiet laughter ceasing as soon as their bodies made contact.
“God,” Kerry murmured, burrowing her face against Carson’s neck. “How are we going to do this? I just want to touch you.”