Back Where He Started

by Jay Quinn

  “Yes, ma’am,” I said. “I go to my church twice a week and I try to do right.”

  “But do you love the Lord?”

  “Yes ma’am. I do. I can tell you that honestly.”

  “Well, I know you do, or you wouldn’t have the courage to be here today. All good things come from the Lord, and I believe the Lord sent you to our Steve. Ever since he come back down here with his mama and daddy, I knew he was trying to do right and take his place in this herd of mine. But he wasn’t ever going to be married.”

  “Grannie—” Steve began, but hung his head.

  With a smile, she continued, “No, son. I knew that.” Then she looked back to me. “There’s just some God makes that way,” She paused, and a sly grin spread across her face. “But he’s still pretty. His mama’s from way off somewhere, and that’s how come he’s so dark and light all at the same time. Pretty mama, pretty son.”

  She looked at me and pulled my hand to make me lean in closer. “He needs somebody to love him and look after him. These men that pulls their living out of the water, it makes them hard men. Hard to live with, bad for drinking. I tell you what—I know. You hear me?”

  “Yes ma’am. I hear you,” I replied.

  “Now, I’m too old to give a durn what any of them that’s here thinks. But they seem to put a lot of care into what I think, so I tell ‘em. If you’ll take care of my pretty baby right here—love him and look after him—I’ll not have one bad word to say, and none of them better not neither, or they’ll answer to me. You hear me, son?”

  She tightened her grasp on my hand. I rubbed my thumb gently over her bony knuckles. “I promise you, Granny Effie, I’ll do my best.”

  “All right, then,” she said. “Now one more thing. You got to get him going back to church like his mama worked hard and raised him to. You have to promise me that. His mama had that old kind of religion, and she kept it up down here, so far away from her own people. I don’t know nothing about Catholics, but I knew his mama, and she was a good woman. If you love the Lord like you say you do, you get Steve back to his mama’s church, now.”

  I lifted her hands and kissed them. Very gently, she let my hand go and touched my cheek. “Steve?” she said.

  “Yes, ma’am?”

  “You do right, you hear me? You look after this man, because the Lord sent him here to you. I’m watching you.”

  “I will, I swear,” he said.

  “Don’t you swear nothing, standing in the Lord’s house. Now go get this man something to eat. He ain’t bigger than a minute, and you’re a lot of work.”

  Stuffed to the point of bursting—with food and goodwill and the kind of pride I never thought I’d find in such a place—Steve and I finally took our leave. The day had dwindled to late afternoon when we’d said our rounds of good-byes and headed out into the church’s parking lot. I was heading for the Expedition when Steve caught me by the hand and swung me around. “C’mon, Little Bit, there’s somebody I need to talk to.”

  I almost groaned. I felt as if I’d just met and spoken with every person Steve knew or was related to in all of Carteret County. He let go of my hand as we reached a young couple with a toddler, just getting into their own Expedition. Everyone at this family gathering was driving a truck, a dual-ly, or an SUV. Even the younger kids and newlywed couples drove huge beast vehicles. In Raleigh my Expedition was a fashion statement; here, it was a way of life. I didn’t think my truck had ever been in four-wheel-drive mode, and I didn’t think any of the ones in the parking lot were ever out of it.

  “Chris, this is Monte and Eileen, good friends of mine from over in Back Beaufort.”

  Monte stuck out his hand for a shake, and Eileen gave me an open, sunny smile. She had a little boy who looked to be about 3 on her hip. The little boy turned his head away from us and wouldn’t look around. Monte shook my hand and said, “My son’s name is Miles—Miles Standoffish.”

  Eileen rolled her eyes and looked at me. “He thinks that’s the funniest joke. Miles Standoffish, Miles Standish, get it?”

  I gave Monte a grin. “I think it’s funny.” Then, to the little boy, I said, “I don’t think you’re Standoffish. You’re probably just sick of being around all these strange grown-ups, aren’t you?”

  The little boy turned around, gave me a bashful grin, then ducked his head into his mother’s neck.

  “I swear, I don’t know why he’s so shy,” Eileen said. “Me and his daddy would talk to a stump, we’re so social.”

  I laughed.

  Steve said, “Chris, Monte is one of my hunting buddies. He’s going to take the two boy puppies off our hands and train them.”

  “Monte, I can’t thank you enough,” I said. “I’ve got one of the puppies myself, and with Petey and Mama-dog, my house is just about full.”

  “No problem. I’ll take two of Steve’s dogs anytime I can get them,” Monte replied.

  Eileen nodded. “Hell, I’ve always got room for a couple more. We have 10 acres, so there’s plenty of room to run them. I understand Steve’s over at your place for the time being.”

  I nodded. “I’ve got enough room for him—I’m lucky to have him as a stray.”

  Monte looked at Steve and grinned. “You’ve got this one fooled into believing that?”

  Eileen laughed. “Lord, you two are as good as married, now Granny Effie has blessed you. They don’t really give a damn about a preacher in this family—it’s Granny Effie that does the marrying. You’re stuck with him now, Chris.”

  “You know she’s right,” Monte said as he wrapped me in a bear hug, lifted me off my feet, and swung me around. “Welcome to the family, Chris.”

  “Damn, Monte!” Eileen said. “Put him down or somebody’ll think I’m in trouble.”

  “As if I’d ever leave you, my darling,” Monte rejoined.

  Steve shook his head. “My God, you all too noticed it too? I feel like I’ve just left my own wedding reception. Was it that obvious?”

  “Oh hell yeah,” Monte said. “You two were the most interesting thing about this whole shebang, weren’t they Eileen.”

  Steve groaned.

  “Come here and give me a hug, Chris,” Eileen said, “Every one of us was wondering if Steve would ever find somebody. He’s such a moody-ass loner. I hope you have a steady supply of Valium, you’re gonna need it.”

  I hugged Eileen. When I did, Miles kissed my cheek.

  “Oh hell, did you see that?” Monte said.

  Eileen laughed. “I sure did, I told you.”

  “See what?” I asked, suddenly alarmed by the little boy’s kiss.

  “Eileen swears this one’s going to grow up to be gay. He’s the baby of four. Look over yonder.”

  Following his pointed hand, I saw three other little boys, stair-stepped in ages from about 8 down to about 5. Two of them were rolling in the dirt in the middle of a fight while the youngest kicked dirt on both of them.

  “Those are my other three. Eileen’s been praying Miles would be gay.”

  Eileen hoisted the little boy up on her hip and said, “Don’t you want to go see Uncle Chris?” The little boy nodded and reached his arms out to me. “Take him, please. Maybe some will rub off on him.”

  I took the little fellow and put him on my nonexistent hip. “You want to come go home with me?” I asked.

  Miles looked from his mother to his father and back to me. He looked at me with his big brown eyes and simply said: “Help?”

  Steve, Eileen, and Monte all laughed uproariously. I looked back at his brothers rolling in the dirt and almost wished I could take him home with me. I looked at Miles and said, “You know something Miles?”

  Once again the little boy turned an enormous set of beautiful brown eyes at me, and said, “Whut?”

  “Your mama and daddy are pretty wonderful people did you know that?” I looked at Eileen and said, “Maybe you should bring him to visit one of these days, you know I have three grown ones of my own … well, not my own, but thr
ee I raised.”

  “Get out,” she said.

  “No you get out. You do not look old enough to have four children.”

  “Well, Monte loaded and pumped his first round of shot when I was 17.”

  “Oh man, listen to her,” Monte snorted. “Like she was a deer I was hunting with lights.”

  Steve laughed. “Listen to the both of you. I’ve known you for a long time. You both had each other in the sights when we were freshmen in high school. Chris, if you ever want to see two people who were made for each other, you’re looking at them.”

  I enjoyed the weight and heft of Miles in my arms and against my hip. On a day when a family of good country people from Carteret County, North Carolina, could meet a twink well past his expiration date and accept him with open hearts and arms, I almost wished I could have another child to raise. Anything was possible. I looked at Steve and smiled. If there was one man I felt like I was made for at this time in my life, I knew I was looking at him.

  The breeze off the ocean was still warm, even this deep into October. Halloween was so close it was scaring me. I had baby Chris’s christening in Raleigh the second weekend in November— time was moving far too fast for me to keep up anymore. I stuck my hands into my hoodie’s pouch and stretched until my toes came into contact with a dog’s back; it was too dark to tell which one. I looked over at Steve staring at the stars and reached over to take his hand. “It was a wonderful day, Big Man. Your family was wonderful.”

  Steve spared me a glance and smiled, then looked back into the stars overhead. He had been unusually quiet since we’d gotten home from the reunion. We’d walked on the beach to work off some of the big dinner, and I took his introspection as a consequence of being talked out. Even I was talked out and I was a far bigger talker than Steve. There was a lot for both of us to process from the day. I thought Steve was as taken aback by the open- hearted acceptance of our obvious coupledom as I was. It was a tender new thing and it was going to take some time to sink in, at least it did for me.

  “Little Bit,” he said. “I have something to ask you, and you don’t have to answer right away, but it’s something you need to think about.”

  I didn’t look at him, but shifted my position to stare up into the same stars he had been studying. “Okay, ask away,” I said.

  “Back in the spring, the first time we got together, you told me you weren’t willing to give up your life for me. I guess I need to know what you meant by that.”

  “I don’t know Steve. I’m not sure how I should answer. In many ways, I have given up parts of my life for you—and gladly. I’m in love with you.”

  “I know that. You show me that in a hundred little ways and some big ones. Hell, I’m living in your house. And I trust you. I mean, I know you’re not running around on me, sleeping with other guys—”

  “Well, you sure as hell don’t have to worry about that. My God, I couldn’t be more satisfied in that regard. I couldn’t even think about finding another lover like you, nor do I want to.”

  “Well, thanks. But that’s not really what I mean.”

  “Well, I’m listening, go ahead.”

  “Back then, you said you were the marrying kind, but you weren’t that person anymore. That you’d done that already. I guess what I’m asking you is: Do you still feel that way?”

  I felt myself grow tense. Honestly, I didn’t know how far I’d come from that person. I was hurt then, and Steve hadn’t begun the healing he initiated and both carelessly and carefully tended in my heart. I didn’t answer, but stayed quiet to see if he had more to say.

  Steve turned in his chair to face me and reached out to touch my cheek. “What I got to know is: If I asked you, would you marry me? Would you share your life with me, for real and for good?”

  I let out a long sigh. “Haven’t I proven I would? I don’t want to be three feet from you as it is. I don’t understand what you’re asking me.”

  Steve shifted uncomfortably. “I want us to live together in my house. In a house I’ll build for us, together. Could you give up this place to help me do that?”

  I got up and walked to the edge of my deck and looked out toward the ocean. The deck I was standing on was mine. It was something no one could take away from me. I flashed back to so many points of my life where I lived with no assurances that I couldn’t be told to pack up and move out, to be thrown out like the garbage. One misstep, one thoughtless act might mean the world beneath my feet could crumble and I could fall away into the unknown. My mother was always worried about being fired or laid off. Zack grew tired of me and put me out. The house behind me was every bit of security I had in the world. But it was so much more in my psyche.

  Steve could never live comfortably in my house. It was too much mine. There was no Steve to it except for an underwear drawer and a loft packed with the things that were salvaged from the fire. I had never told him—up to that moment, I don’t think I’d really admitted to myself—that even giving up that tiny swath of turf was hard for me.

  I simply hadn’t yet let go the primal fear that a traitor’s heart might beat in Steve’s broad chest. I didn’t know. That was the long and short of it. I was scared.

  I turned back to him and said, “I want to live with you for the rest of my life, Steve Willis. I want to carry cakes and fried chicken to your family reunions and I want to sit next to you at Mass. I want to walk in rooms that smell of you while you’re out in the Caribbean somewhere on a boat. But I’m scared of you too. I’m scared you’ll wait until I’m 65 years old and you’ll say, ‘Hey, I’m only 55. I want to live a different life now! I don’t want you anymore Little Bit, so off you go! Good bye and good luck! Now fuck off.’ Will you do that to me? Or will you die on me? Will you fall off a boat and drown? Will you wrap your truck around a tree? Oh Jesus, Steve …”

  There were too many emotions welling up inside me. The day had been too full of people and warmth and food and everything I never dared to expect and everything I wanted. My stomach revolted. I made it to the side of the deck and threw up. After I threw up I began to cry. I cried for the first time since I’d sat on the tailgate of my truck and let Beau slip away from me, and with him, every last vestige of the life I’d known.

  Steve was behind me in a flash, holding me and wrapping his arms around my chest and pulling me back and away from the edge of my deck where every car on the bypass could see me puking and crying like a terrified little boy beat up again by bullies, just trying to get home. Just trying his damnedest to get somewhere safe.

  I straightened up and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. “Don’t promise me and then take it back. Don’t … Don’t …” I shrugged and twisted free of his arms and walked behind my chair, holding it between him and me like a cornered animal.

  “I could kill that bastard for doing this to you,” he said. “Don’t push me away, Chris. I’m offering everything I am, everything I have in the world.”

  I sighed and nodded tiredly. I knew that’s what he was offering. I released my death grip on the back of my chair and wiped my eyes on my sleeves. In a voice choked with snot, I said, “Don’t you know how bad I want you? Don’t you see how scared I am of losing you?”

  Steve stepped tentatively back to his own chair and waited while I sat back down in mine. Once I’d sunk into it, he said, “Are you okay now? Can I get you some water?”

  I nodded, and he walked into the house.

  Part of me wanted to take off down the stairs and into the street, running for the beach and then to … then to where? I had nowhere to go. I was exactly where I wanted to be. And that place still scared the shit out of me.

  Steve stepped back out onto the deck. “Here,” he said as handed me a bottle of water.

  I drank some thirstily and washed the stale taste of vomit from my mouth. “Thanks, Big Man. I’m sorry I freaked out on you like that.”

  Satisfied I was somewhat okay, Steve sat beside me and reached to take my hand. “It’s not about the m
oney, Chris. I have money. I can build the house, maybe not as nice as this one, but I can build us a place to live. You can keep this one and rent it out if you want to.”

  I looked at him, shook my head, and laughed. “No, no way. Out of respect for what you’re asking me to do, I owe you a real commitment.”

  Steve leaned back in his chair and looked up at the stars again. “That’s why I love you,” he said. “Think about it—there’s ain’t no rush. I have no place to go. And Chris, there’s no place I want to go. I don’t know how to prove it to you other than day by day. But I want you as part of my world. God knows, it seems like my world wants you to be a part of it.”

  I laughed. “Well, if Granny Effie has blessed it …”

  “Exactly.”

  I joined Steve looking at the stars. They were as inscrutable as ever. “I want to talk to Trey,” I said. “Can you hold on for a couple of weeks for my final answer?”

  “I’ve got the rest of my life to wait on you, Little Bit.” He looked at me and waited for me to look back. Under the meager light of the beach’s brightest stars, his eyes told me his mouth wasn’t lying.

  “I want a big-ass nice house,” I said. “Not no bullshit prefab house.”

  “Okay,” he said, acting serious but doing a poor job of hiding a smile.

  “I want it to be big enough for my kids and my grandkids to visit.”

  “That goes without saying.”

  “Okay,” I said.

  “Okay.”

  But it wasn’t okay. Not yet. The house wasn’t all of it. What I really had to tussle with and chew over was a different kind of gristle altogether. I had a harder question I needed to answer for myself because it had only to do with me.

  Part of me—a big part of me, I had to admit—had come to like who I was these days. I liked who I saw as I moved through my days. The fact that I liked who I saw in the mirror had more to do with self-respect than simple vanity.