by David Safier
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For my mother and father and for my sister
1
They’d spotted me.
The hyenas had spotted me!
And they were out to get me.
I could tell by instinct. Without actually having seen or heard them yet. The same way an animal in the wilderness can sense when it is in imminent danger, before it has actually sighted the enemy. This market, this perfectly ordinary market, where the Poles bought their vegetables, bread and bacon, clothes, and roses, even, was the wilderness for people like me. A place where I was the prey. Where I could die if they found out who or, more importantly, what I really was.
Don’t walk any faster, I thought. Don’t slow down. Or change direction. And whatever you do, don’t look back. Don’t do anything to arouse more suspicion.
I found it incredibly difficult to keep moving, pretending to stroll through the market as if I was enjoying the sunshine on an unexpectedly warm spring day. Everything about me wanted to run, but then the hyenas would have known that they were right. That I wasn’t an ordinary Pole carrying groceries home to her parents; that I was a smuggler.
I stopped for a moment, pretended to admire an apple on a farmer’s stall and wondered if I could risk taking a quick look. After all, there was a chance that I was imagining that I was being followed. But every inch of my body wanted to flee. And I’d learned to trust my instincts a long time ago. Otherwise I would never have managed to survive till sixteen.
I moved on slowly. The old farmer’s wife was disgustingly fat. She obviously had more than enough to eat, far too much in fact. She kept on croaking, “These are the best apples in all of Warsaw.”
I didn’t tell her that every single apple looked amazing. For most of the people forced to live within the walls, even a moldy apple would have been a treat. Not to mention the eggs in my pockets or the plums or, best of all, the butter I was going to sell on the black market for a great deal of money.
I had to find out how many people were after me before I had the slightest chance of ever getting back behind the wall. They couldn’t be 100 percent sure yet, or else they would have stopped me by now. I needed to get a look at them without being noticed. Without causing any more suspicion.
I looked down at the cobbled street. The heels of my lovely blue shoes clacked on the stones. They matched my blue dress with the red flowers perfectly. My mother had given me these clothes when we still had some money, and I always wore them when I was out smuggling. All my other clothes were threadbare, and most of them had been mended again and again. If I had been wearing those, I wouldn’t have lasted two minutes at the market without being noticed. The pretty dress and shoes were my work clothes, disguise and armor all in one. I took great care of them.
I casually let my heel get caught between two stones. I buckled my ankle a bit and swore out loud, “Oh, crap!” Then I put my bags down, glanced over my shoulder and saw them: the hyenas. And they were smiling.
My instincts hadn’t deceived me. They never did, unfortunately. Or fortunately, depending on how you looked at it. There were three of them. A short, unshaven, stocky man with a brown leather jacket and a gray peaked cap was up front. He was about forty years old and was obviously the leader. He was followed by a big man with a beard who looked as if he could throw a rock or two, and by a boy about my age who was wearing the same leather jacket and cap and was like a mini version of the leader. Maybe they were father and son? At any rate, the boy didn’t go to school—otherwise he wouldn’t be able to hang around markets in the morning, looking for someone to hunt.
Behind the walls, we weren’t allowed to go to school anymore, because the Germans had banned all classes. There were illegal schools in the underground, but not everyone could go and I left ages ago. I had to feed my family.
This Polish boy could go to school and get educated, but chose not to. Of course, there was a lot of money to be made by a gang of szmalcowniks, or hyenas, as we called them—people who hunted Jews and then handed them over to the Germans for a bounty. There were loads of them in Warsaw, and none of them cared if the Germans shot every illegal person found on the wrong side of the wall.
It was spring 1942, and anyone found in the Polish sector of the city without a permit was sentenced to death. And that wasn’t the worst of it. There were the most awful rumors about how the Germans tortured prisoners before they put them to death. Men, women, and children alike. They actually tortured children to death! Just thinking about it terrified me, but I wasn’t dead yet. And I needed it to stay that way for my sister Hannah’s sake.
There was no one in the whole world I loved as much as that little girl. Due to the appalling food rations, Hannah was far too small for her twelve years, and pale as a shadow, except for her eyes. They were big and wide awake and inquisitive, and deserved to see something better than the nightmare behind the walls.
All the power of an endless imagination shone in those eyes. So what if she wasn’t very good at most of the subjects taught at the Szułkult underground school, like math, biology, or geography; when it came to telling the other children stories during the breaks, no one could do it better. She made up stories about a ranger called Sarah, who freed her beloved Prince Joseph from the clutches of the three-headed dragon; or about Marek the rabbit, who won the war for the Allies; and the ghetto boy Hans who was able to bring stones to life but never wanted to, because they were always so cross and grumpy. Anyone who listened to Hannah found the world a brighter and better place.
Who would take care of her if I let myself get caught here? Not my mother. She was so despondent that she never left the shabby hole where we lived anymore. And certainly not my brother. He was far too busy worrying about himself.
I looked away from the szmalcowniks and let my hand rest on the cobblestones for a moment. Often, when fear gets too strong, I touch the surface of something to calm myself: metal, stones, cloth—it doesn’t matter—the main thing is to feel something else apart from fear.
The bright stones beneath my fingers had been warmed by the sun. I took a deep breath, grabbed my bags, and set off again.
The szmalcowniks were following me. I could tell. I could hear the sound of their footsteps speeding up, although the market was full of so many other sounds: the voices of the sellers praising their goods, buyers haggling over prices, birds chirping, or the sound of cars passing on the street behind the market. People strolled past at a leisurely pace. A young blond man wearing the same gray suit most of the Polish students wore whistled away to himself. I could hear everything, but the sounds were muted somehow. All I could hear properly was the sound of my breathing, which was getting hectic, although I wasn’t going any faster whatsoever, and my heart racing more and more from one second to the next. But the loudest thing was the sound of my pursuers’ footsteps.
They were getting closer.
And closer, and closer.
They’d catch me in a moment and would confront me. They’
d probably try to blackmail me, demand all my money for a promise not to hand me over. And then, when I paid, they’d do it anyway, and take the Nazis’ bounty, too.
I’d known that this was going to happen sooner or later, ever since I started smuggling. That was a few weeks after Papa abandoned us. We didn’t have any money left to buy food on the black market, and the food rations the Germans allowed us per person were only 360 calories a day. Most of the time, the food they gave to us Jews at the food dispensary was rotten. We got whatever was too lousy to send to the troops on the Eastern Front: spoiled turnips, bad eggs, or frozen potatoes that couldn’t be cooked but could be turned into a more or less edible patty with a bit of luck. Last winter, the whole ghetto smelled of those patties on some days. So if I wanted my family to eat, I had to do something about it. My friend Ruth sold her body at the Britannia Hotel and had offered to get me in, even though she did grin and say that my figure was a bit boyish, but I preferred to risk my life smuggling rather than doing that.
Just in case I did get caught by the szmalcowniks, I’d concocted a story: I was Dana Smuda, a Polish schoolgirl from another part of Warsaw, who liked to come to the market because it’s the only place you can buy a special sweet puff pastry cake with the most wonderful apple filling. It was important that my fake address was a long way away, because otherwise the hyenas would just walk me to my given address and find out that I was lying. I always bought a piece of cake every time I came to the market and put it in my bag to prove my story, just in case.
I also always wore a necklace with a cross. And I had learned a number of Christian prayers by heart, so that I could pretend to be a good Catholic if I had to. Prayers like the Rosary, Sanctus, or Magnificat: “My soul doth magnify the Lord, and my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Savior…” As if any sane spirit could rejoice in God these days.
If He were to appear in front of me, I’d throw eggs at Him for sure, even though they were worth a fortune in the ghetto. I didn’t believe in religion, or politics, or in grown-ups anymore. All I believed in was surviving.
“Stop!” one of my pursuers shouted. Probably the voice belonged to the leader of the gang.
I pretended that he couldn’t mean me. I was just an ordinary Polish girl; why should I turn around to a stranger’s command?
I went through everything in my mind one more time: My name is Dana Smuda, I live at 23 Miodawa Street, I love puff pastry cakes …
The hyenas blocked my path and crowded in on me.
“You can’t get rid of us that easily, you Jew-whore,” the leader said with a grin on his face.
“What?” I asked, acting angry. It was a matter of life and death not to look scared.
“Two thousand zlotys,” the leader demanded, while his son—it had to be his son, they both shared the same slightly crooked build—looked me up and down in a way that suggested that he was disgusted by me, the Jew, and that he was also using his dirty mind to picture me with nothing on.
“This is a one-time offer: two thousand and we’ll leave you alone.”
Suddenly I could feel sweat on the back of my neck. Not ordinary sweat caused by, say, the sun shining on a warm midday. No, this was sweat caused by fear. It smells terrible, and I had known nothing about it until a few years ago when my sheltered life ended.
As long as it stayed at the back of my neck and ran down my armpits, it wouldn’t betray me, but I had to keep it off my face. The hyenas were very good at registering the smallest sign of weakness.
“Don’t you understand, you Jew-whore?”
I couldn’t say a word.
I suddenly understood why people in my situation were prepared to give all their money to crooks and criminals, even when they knew they would be betrayed regardless. They clung on to the absurd hope that the szmalcowniks would stick to their side of the bargain. If I’d had the money, I might have confessed I was a Jew and given it all to them. But I’d never had that kind of money. So I forced myself to smile and said, “What are you talking about?”
“Don’t pretend we’re stupid,” the leader hissed.
I knew that my innocent little story wouldn’t work with him. I might have been able to trick his son and the coarse-looking thug, but not him. He’d probably tracked down loads of Jews in the past few years and heard many stories better than the one about the girl who liked puff pastry. Way better. And he wasn’t going to be tricked by a cross necklace, either.
My lies would be useless, worth less than nothing. How could I be so stupid, so badly prepared? It would be my fault if my mother died in our room at 70 Miła Street in a couple of weeks’ time, and Hannah wouldn’t survive much longer. Maybe she’d get by, begging on the streets of the ghetto. That could work for a bit, but the beggar children would freeze to death in the night when the next winter came, at the latest.
I couldn’t allow that to happen to Hannah. Never.
I concentrated on the fact that the necklace and my lies weren’t the only things I had going for me. There was one more thing I could bank on: I didn’t really look Jewish. My hair was dark, like most of the Jews but also like many Poles. And I had a little snub nose and something that didn’t fit the picture of a Jew at all: green eyes.
In one of his rare romantic moments, my boyfriend, Daniel, told me that my eyes looked like two mountain lakes, sparkling in the sun. I hadn’t actually ever seen a mountain lake, so I had no idea if they could sparkle green and would probably never find out now.
The color of my eyes made me unusual on either side of the wall.
I fought back my fear and looked the leader of the szmalcowniks straight in the eye. The green got to him. And then without planning to, I burst out laughing. The few people who really know me, know that I hardly ever laugh. And when I do, it’s never like that. But it sounded real to the szmalcowniks, and it disconcerted them.
“You are so wrong,” I said, and pushed past the dumbfounded men who obviously had never been laughed at by someone they thought was Jewish. Then I walked away, carrying my bags. It was incredible—my audacity had paid off. I nearly grinned.
But then the stocky leader charged after me, followed by the other two and blocked my path again. I caught my breath. I wouldn’t manage another bold laugh.
“You’re a Jew. I can smell it,” the man barked, and pushed his cap back. “I’m an expert at rooting out vermin.”
“The very best,” the boy said proudly.
Really? He was proud of a father who blackmailed Jews and then sent them to death?
It was all so unfair: My father had healed people, Poles and Jews. He’d even helped a young German soldier shot in our street during the last days of the invasion. But no matter how many people he had saved or how respected he had been as a doctor, now, when we really needed him, my father was not there.
“Stop bothering me,” I threatened angrily, “or I’ll call the police!”
The boy and the bearded man were impressed by my hollow threat. The Polish police didn’t like the szmalcowniks. They were rivals when it came to earning money with the Jews found on the Aryan side. And if the szmalcowniks were caught harassing innocent Polish girls, then they’d be in real trouble, and they knew it.
But their leader wasn’t going to be intimidated by me. He stared at my eyes, looking for a trace of insecurity somewhere, some sign no matter how small; my green eyes hadn’t dislodged his suspicion.
I met his gaze. With all my might.
“I mean it,” I repeated.
“No, you don’t,” he said quietly.
“You bet I do!”
“Well, then, let’s go to the police together,” he suggested, and pointed to a policeman wearing a blue uniform standing at the fat old woman’s stall. He had just bitten into an apple and was pulling a sour face because it didn’t taste anywhere as good as he’d expected.
What was I going to do now? I was done for, either way, whether I went to the police or not. There were beads of sweat on my forehead all of a sudden, and th
e leader noticed and started to smile. There was no more point in lying.
I could hear the student whistling again. I was going to die. Tomorrow at the latest, they’d put me up against the wall. My mother and my little sister wouldn’t survive without me. And this guy was whistling a merry little tune!
Should I run? There was no real chance of getting away. Even if I was able to outrun the szmalcowniks with my heels on, they would start shouting and calling to people, and there’d be enough Jew haters in the market to catch me. So many Poles despised us. They hated being occupied by the Germans, but they didn’t mind if they got rid of the Jews in the process.
And what if I did actually manage to flee from the market? I would never make it to the wall unseen. Not in a million years! I’d never get back into the ghetto. Running away was hopeless. But it was my only chance. I was about to drop the bags with all my precious goods and run for my life when I suddenly found myself staring at a rose.
It was a real rose!
Right in front of me.
Its strong scent actually replaced the bitter smell of my own fear for a moment. When was the last time I’d smelled a rose? There weren’t any in the ghetto. Whenever I went to the Polish market to buy goods, I never had time to look at the flowers. I’d never even thought of it. And suddenly, when I was just about to be handed over to the Germans, somebody offered me a rose?
It was the student.
He was standing beside me, beaming at me with his bright blue eyes, as if I was the most amazing and beautiful thing he had ever seen.
Close up, he looked younger than a student; more like seventeen, eighteen than in his early twenties. Before either the szmalcowniks or I could say anything, he laughed and took me into his arms.
“A rose for my rose!”
It was the most ridiculous thing to say, but he was so obviously in love that it didn’t sound a bit silly the way he said it.